Am new to this

[Guest guest]

Hello everyone

Am new to this, not just to this group, but also to finally knowing

what is wrong with my mother. Is there anyone here who like me took

about 50 years to find this out? My nada is 80, never officially

diagnosed with BPD. I could deal with her reasonably well, as long as

I did not have to see her every day. Well, 2 months ago she was taken

to hospital with heart problems so I had to visit her every single

day. There is no one else, my younger sis died last year, so that

leaves just me and my husband... Anyway, after three weeks we could

take her home. When we wanted to leave she started yelling " not very

nice things " at me, so we left. I told her that this time I more than

likely would NOT come back anymore. I was literally shaking inside,

my stomach in a knot, and sort of gasping. Needless to say I also

could not sleep anymore. So i went to see my doctor. After hearing my

story she said " I am no expert, but this does sound like borderline

to me. Your mum is too old for therapy, but you should seek

professional help. I am amazed you coped for so long without having a

breakdown! " Then she gave me pills: antidepressants, tranquilizers,

sleeping pills plus the name of a therapist. But, when I got home I

was SO relieved: finally a label, finally not my fault, finally not

me being mad. (Is that the Light Bulb Effect I saw in the

Abbreviations?)So no pills for me, I felt so much better!

Now I am seeing this therapist, and thank heaven she reacted the same

way my doctor did. Both told me that it probably was best for me not

to see my mother. at least for a while. First I have to find out if i

ever want/will be able to see her again. I have begun reading up on

the subject, just finished " Understanding the Borderline Mother " .

There was so much I recognised, I almost started to think the author

knows me and my mother personally!

But in the meantime I am still sort of torn: I know my mother is

finally taken care of (she has daycare now), and my sweet husband

phones her or visits her now and again. But.... but..... And in a few

weeks it will be Christmas, and, and... Actually I feel like I have

to make a decision right now, but I cant. Not yet. And then there are

our friends, am so afraid I will loose them cause no one apart from

my husband seems to be able to fully understand what this has been

like for me. They keep saying things like: But she still is your

mother...

On the other hand I feel so relieved, I feel like I am getting my

life back, bit by bit.

I do hope this was not too long a post, and not too confusing. Am

just hoping that by writing about this and hearing from other people

with similar experiences I will be able to really get all my life

back. Cause my nada really took to much of me, and I have not

mentioned my " father " yet...

Thanks everyone for reading this:) am really looking forward to

participate in this group.