Re: accepting presents

[Guest guest]

Yes I know that I have that feeling every year. I feel guilty recieving gifts,

like they put so much effort in, and i do not feel i am responding to the extent

that they deserve. it is hard to explain, but i do feel that way, and am

depressed after i open gifts. i do not know if that matches how you feel at all

or not.

Sorry to ask more from this group, but i am going through this pretty roughly.

I just got home from work, and got the mail. My wife and I had decided that we

were not going to send them a xmas card, since we had asked to have space from

them before the letter was written, so they obviously are not honoring our

request. They now sent a xmas card, and I do not know if we should stick one in

the mail for them. I feel guilty not sending them one when they sent us one,

and with xmas and the xmas spirit i do not know if i should or not. what do

others think? we also didnt get them gifts either, and i am not sure if they

got us gifts. we are avoiding seeing them for xmas, and going to the opposite

side of the family that they are attending. but i would feel really guilty

again if they some how got us gifts and we did not have some for them. what is

everyones thoughts on that.

thanks again for all of your support, it has been amazing.

Tony

accepting presents

Does anyone out there besides me have trouble accepting presents? I

usually get no joy from receiving tangible items. I love to buy for

the people I like, and I often pick up little things on the spur of

the moment if someone I know is having a difficult time. But I have a

really hard time accepting gifts and feeling the joy that someone

thought enough of me to give me something. I especially hate to have

to give a " want " list.

Do you think this is a KO thing, or am I just weird? I would be fine

with nothing for me under the tree. I don't know if I feel like I

don't deserve things or what, but lately I've been more aware of the

feeling. Nada has always turned gifts into proof of love, demanding I

acknowledge that her gift to me is the best thing available and that

she spent soooo much money (even though she couldn't afford it) and

looked sooooo many places to find the absolute perfect present. I

resent that so much that I wonder if I've turned it around on myself

somehow.

Wisteria

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[Guest guest]

That's an interesting thought. I just won a couple of small prizes

in a raffle and I immediately gave most of them away. It was drilled

in my head early on how " selfish " I was. When I would come home with

all A's, my mom would disgustedly say " why didn't you get A

pluses? " . As an adult, in the middle of dealing with yet another

huge rage, I said " Do you expect me to be perfect? " and she

screamed " you damned right I do. "

For me, that has almost exclusively meant that I heard the message

loud and clear that I didn't deserve anything unless I performed up

to expectations...and think about it, what split black child of a

BPD performs to expectations? I was the poster child for

performance...lots of achievements in high school and college, a

successful career, and a ministry that others affirm me for.

However, my mother did not affirm any of those life stages for

me...it seemed that none of them were enough to satisfy her.

All of that to say, yes, it means that I still to a large extent

don't think of myself as someone who deserves what she gets...or

deserves any time off to rest or recuperate or care for myself. I

hear very loudly the rages upon rages upon rages about how bad I

was. I remember the incessant " word bombs " ...how she'd walk past me

and under her voice say " selfish! " or etc., over and over and over.

All the achievements I have piled up (often in a mistaken attempt to

measure up to her standards somehow) often shrink to a thimble and

are overwhelmed by such vivid memories of her screaming at me, or

even worse, ignoring yet again what I had done. It was normal

(normal?) for me to bring home another trophy or win an award and

receive NO comment whatever from her, let alone something positive.

That reinforces that whatever I got, I didn't deserve...that

fundamentally, at my core, in her estimation, I didn't measure up.

It wasn't a surprise that I went looking for other sources of

affirmation, and thank God I received them.

Thanks for your post as it brings up things I need to work on.

>

> Does anyone out there besides me have trouble accepting presents?

I

> usually get no joy from receiving tangible items. I love to buy

for

> the people I like, and I often pick up little things on the spur of

> the moment if someone I know is having a difficult time. But I

have a

> really hard time accepting gifts and feeling the joy that someone

> thought enough of me to give me something. I especially hate to

have

> to give a " want " list.

>

> Do you think this is a KO thing, or am I just weird? I would be

fine

> with nothing for me under the tree. I don't know if I feel like I

> don't deserve things or what, but lately I've been more aware of

the

> feeling. Nada has always turned gifts into proof of love,

demanding I

> acknowledge that her gift to me is the best thing available and

that

> she spent soooo much money (even though she couldn't afford it) and

> looked sooooo many places to find the absolute perfect present. I

> resent that so much that I wonder if I've turned it around on

myself

> somehow.

>

> Wisteria

>

[Guest guest]

My thoughts, Tony, are to wait before you do ANYTHING including the

card. You have every right to be in an isolationist mode after that

email your mother sent. In many respects, SHE essentially asked that

ties be cut through that email, IMHO, (unless you of course reverted

to the little boy who takes all her crap because you don't have any

other choice) and to send a card seems a lot like just putting out

some bait to see if she can get you to do what she wants. It would

make a lot of sense to be extremely cautious right now, at most, and

possibly consider whether limiting or ceasing contact is your best

bet. Obviously I don't know your family situation, but the card

doesn't sound a whole lot like love or caring, but in the context

you have already shared smells a whole lot like an attempt at

control. Just my 2 cents.

>

> Yes I know that I have that feeling every year. I feel guilty

recieving gifts, like they put so much effort in, and i do not feel

i am responding to the extent that they deserve. it is hard to

explain, but i do feel that way, and am depressed after i open

gifts. i do not know if that matches how you feel at all or not.

>

> Sorry to ask more from this group, but i am going through this

pretty roughly. I just got home from work, and got the mail. My

wife and I had decided that we were not going to send them a xmas

card, since we had asked to have space from them before the letter

was written, so they obviously are not honoring our request. They

now sent a xmas card, and I do not know if we should stick one in

the mail for them. I feel guilty not sending them one when they

sent us one, and with xmas and the xmas spirit i do not know if i

should or not. what do others think? we also didnt get them gifts

either, and i am not sure if they got us gifts. we are avoiding

seeing them for xmas, and going to the opposite side of the family

that they are attending. but i would feel really guilty again if

they some how got us gifts and we did not have some for them. what

is everyones thoughts on that.

>

> thanks again for all of your support, it has been amazing.

>

> Tony

>

>

> accepting presents

>

> Does anyone out there besides me have trouble accepting presents? I

> usually get no joy from receiving tangible items. I love to buy for

> the people I like, and I often pick up little things on the spur of

> the moment if someone I know is having a difficult time. But I

have a

> really hard time accepting gifts and feeling the joy that someone

> thought enough of me to give me something. I especially hate to

have

> to give a " want " list.

>

> Do you think this is a KO thing, or am I just weird? I would be

fine

> with nothing for me under the tree. I don't know if I feel like I

> don't deserve things or what, but lately I've been more aware of

the

> feeling. Nada has always turned gifts into proof of love,

demanding I

> acknowledge that her gift to me is the best thing available and

that

> she spent soooo much money (even though she couldn't afford it) and

> looked sooooo many places to find the absolute perfect present. I

> resent that so much that I wonder if I've turned it around on

myself

> somehow.

>

> Wisteria

>

>

>

>

>

>

_____________________________________________________________________

_______________

> Be a better friend, newshound, and

> know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

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>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I feel the same way. My Nada holds everything over my head so I feel very

uncomfortable receiving gifts from them.

Kelley

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: fuzzycorgi@...: Tue, 18 Dec

2007 23:54:05 +0000Subject: accepting presents

Does anyone out there besides me have trouble accepting presents? Iusually get

no joy from receiving tangible items. I love to buy forthe people I like, and I

often pick up little things on the spur ofthe moment if someone I know is having

a difficult time. But I have areally hard time accepting gifts and feeling the

joy that someonethought enough of me to give me something. I especially hate to

haveto give a " want " list.Do you think this is a KO thing, or am I just weird? I

would be finewith nothing for me under the tree. I don't know if I feel like

Idon't deserve things or what, but lately I've been more aware of thefeeling.

Nada has always turned gifts into proof of love, demanding Iacknowledge that her

gift to me is the best thing available and thatshe spent soooo much money (even

though she couldn't afford it) andlooked sooooo many places to find the absolute

perfect present. Iresent that so much that I wonder if I've turned it around on

myselfsomehow.Wisteria

_________________________________________________________________

Don't get caught with egg on your face. Play Chicktionary!

http://club.live.com/chicktionary.aspx?icid=chick_wlhmtextlink1_dec

[Guest guest]

Yes! Asking for help, accepting presents, anything to do with “me”, seems to

be a shadow from the Years of the Yeti.

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9:40 PM

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9:40 PM

[Guest guest]

Wisteria,

Could it be that gifts were more like bombs or booby traps that might go off at

any minute?

So many things from a BP parent come with so many strings attached that we were

never able

to enjoy them the way that we should have been. We never knew when they would

be

" thrown at our heads " as guilt or recriminations of some kind. You know your

own nada/fada

and what their favorite thing was. Just fill in the blanks.

" wisteria455 " wrote:

>

> Does anyone out there besides me have trouble accepting presents?

> Do you think this is a KO thing, or am I just weird?

[Guest guest]

For me - as a KO - I don't dare accept a " gift " or money or a loan.

She thinks she REALLY owns you then.

>

> Does anyone out there besides me have trouble accepting presents? I

> usually get no joy from receiving tangible items. I love to buy for

> the people I like, and I often pick up little things on the spur of

> the moment if someone I know is having a difficult time. But I

have a

> really hard time accepting gifts and feeling the joy that someone

> thought enough of me to give me something. I especially hate to

have

> to give a " want " list.

>

> Do you think this is a KO thing, or am I just weird? I would be

fine

> with nothing for me under the tree. I don't know if I feel like I

> don't deserve things or what, but lately I've been more aware of the

> feeling. Nada has always turned gifts into proof of love,

demanding I

> acknowledge that her gift to me is the best thing available and that

> she spent soooo much money (even though she couldn't afford it) and

> looked sooooo many places to find the absolute perfect present. I

> resent that so much that I wonder if I've turned it around on myself

> somehow.

>

> Wisteria

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I hate accepting presents......and really don't like Christmas

much either. Birthdays are horrible, and I would rather just hide

under a bed, or skip it all together. My son's Birthday is the day

after mine....I'm sure God planned it this way so I would be forced

into being celebratory!!!

Go figure.....another flea!!!

Good topic......drlingirl

>

> Does anyone out there besides me have trouble accepting presents?

I

> usually get no joy from receiving tangible items. I love to buy

for

> the people I like, and I often pick up little things on the spur of

> the moment if someone I know is having a difficult time. But I

have a

> really hard time accepting gifts and feeling the joy that someone

> thought enough of me to give me something. I especially hate to

have

> to give a " want " list.

>

> Do you think this is a KO thing, or am I just weird? I would be

fine

> with nothing for me under the tree. I don't know if I feel like I

> don't deserve things or what, but lately I've been more aware of

the

> feeling. Nada has always turned gifts into proof of love,

demanding I

> acknowledge that her gift to me is the best thing available and

that

> she spent soooo much money (even though she couldn't afford it) and

> looked sooooo many places to find the absolute perfect present. I

> resent that so much that I wonder if I've turned it around on

myself

> somehow.

>

> Wisteria

>

[Guest guest]

Tony,

I am struggling with this same issue, and I have decided, even

though it might hurt my nada " feelings " , I am sending back any, and

all presents for me, and a note reminding her of my NC wishes. Even

though I have made her a Christmas present, and have a Birthday

present for her as well, (which I plan on keeping them in a closet

in hopes of her going to counseling). I will also be sure to thank

her for being her so generous to my kids.....and that should take

care of that. I hope!!!

Your case seem so easy......just coming off of that horrible letter,

I would not respond to a Christmas card that she sent.

Don't do it!!! Just let it go....the ball is in your court, and I

would keep it there for as long as possible.

Enjoy your holiday with your new wife, hang in there, drlingirl

>

> Yes I know that I have that feeling every year. I feel guilty

recieving gifts, like they put so much effort in, and i do not feel

i am responding to the extent that they deserve. it is hard to

explain, but i do feel that way, and am depressed after i open

gifts. i do not know if that matches how you feel at all or not.

>

> Sorry to ask more from this group, but i am going through this

pretty roughly. I just got home from work, and got the mail. My

wife and I had decided that we were not going to send them a xmas

card, since we had asked to have space from them before the letter

was written, so they obviously are not honoring our request. They

now sent a xmas card, and I do not know if we should stick one in

the mail for them. I feel guilty not sending them one when they

sent us one, and with xmas and the xmas spirit i do not know if i

should or not. what do others think? we also didnt get them gifts

either, and i am not sure if they got us gifts. we are avoiding

seeing them for xmas, and going to the opposite side of the family

that they are attending. but i would feel really guilty again if

they some how got us gifts and we did not have some for them. what

is everyones thoughts on that.

>

> thanks again for all of your support, it has been amazing.

>

> Tony

>

>

> accepting presents

>

> Does anyone out there besides me have trouble accepting presents? I

> usually get no joy from receiving tangible items. I love to buy for

> the people I like, and I often pick up little things on the spur of

> the moment if someone I know is having a difficult time. But I

have a

> really hard time accepting gifts and feeling the joy that someone

> thought enough of me to give me something. I especially hate to

have

> to give a " want " list.

>

> Do you think this is a KO thing, or am I just weird? I would be

fine

> with nothing for me under the tree. I don't know if I feel like I

> don't deserve things or what, but lately I've been more aware of

the

> feeling. Nada has always turned gifts into proof of love,

demanding I

> acknowledge that her gift to me is the best thing available and

that

> she spent soooo much money (even though she couldn't afford it) and

> looked sooooo many places to find the absolute perfect present. I

> resent that so much that I wonder if I've turned it around on

myself

> somehow.

>

> Wisteria

>

>

>

>

>

>

_____________________________________________________________________

_______________

> Be a better friend, newshound, and

> know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

>

>

>