The Hardest Thing Is Acceptance

[Guest guest]

I am the daughter of a borderline mother. I always knew something

was not quite normal, if you will, with our family. My mother always

had conflicts with everyone. At any given moment, she would not be

speaking with a friend or family members. I was truly the " good

child. " The hardest thing is to come to terms that my mother will

never change. In her words, " if I am wrong, I am going to my grave

wrong. " She is always a victim; everyone " abandons her " and your

feelings do not matter at all.

I realize that I am afraid of her and her wrath. I have been most of

my life. But I am changing. I am not giving into guilt or threats

or nasty messages left on my voice mail. I moved recently and rather

than give her all of my contact information, as I ususally would, I

decided that she and my step-father, who does not see anything, no

longer have the privilege of having all of my contact information.

They have my cell number and post office box for my address. About

the only place she can call me, off-guard, is at work and then I can

always tell her, I can't talk, I am at work.

I am having a hard time getting thru the holidays. Their is a

tremendous toll that my relationship with my mother takes on my

relationship with my spouse. Its very hard to not allow my family of

orgin ruin the best loving relationship that I have ever had. My

mother and stepfather are rude to my spouse and refuse to acknowledge

our relationship.

I am open to any suggestions the group may have about getting on with

my life and accepting that there is nothing I can do to fix or change

this situation. I am very, very close to eliminating all contact

with them. As it is now, I only return their phone calls.

[Guest guest]

" Its very hard to not allow my family of orgin ruin the

best

> loving relationship that I have ever had. " My dear, you CAN'T

allow

> it! How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Your

> family of origin has CHOSEN to be a hindrance to your happiness and

> has CHOSEN not to give your home the respect it deserves. THEY are

> the ones who are choosing the consequences: You can't let them

> selfishly trample all over the life you're building.

>

> If your parents have decided to disrespect him, they've made their

> choice, and I'm afraid it's not you. It hurts, but they're FORCING

> you to choose your husband.

>

> Hang in there -- look for the blessings this holiday, and don't

> dwell on the loss. These days will pass, and you'll be stronger

for

> it.

>

> -Kyla

>

Kyla:

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. They are truly a

Godsend. I am especially grateful for your comments on my marriage.

I have allowed my parents to become a strain between me and husband -

but no more. Thank you again, and happy holidays to you.

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I just wanted to say that you've done a great and brave thing by not

giving them all your contact information. You are looking after

yourself by doing this, nutruring yourself by protecting yourself and

your family. Well done. I imagine this wasn't easy and involved a

certain amount of guilty feeling. As for how they treat your spouse,

what would you do if it was a friend who behaved this way towards your

spouse? You wouldn't stand for it, right? What have your parents done

to deserve special treatment that you wouldn't afford to a friend? If

they don't behave as they should in your home, with your family, don't

give them the privilege of being there. You and your life and your

marriage are the most important things here, you are the future, look

after yourself.

Titania

>

> I am the daughter of a borderline mother. I always knew something

> was not quite normal, if you will, with our family. My mother always

> had conflicts with everyone. At any given moment, she would not be

> speaking with a friend or family members. I was truly the " good

> child. " The hardest thing is to come to terms that my mother will

> never change. In her words, " if I am wrong, I am going to my grave

> wrong. " She is always a victim; everyone " abandons her " and your

> feelings do not matter at all.

>

> I realize that I am afraid of her and her wrath. I have been most of

> my life. But I am changing. I am not giving into guilt or threats

> or nasty messages left on my voice mail. I moved recently and rather

> than give her all of my contact information, as I ususally would, I

> decided that she and my step-father, who does not see anything, no

> longer have the privilege of having all of my contact information.

> They have my cell number and post office box for my address. About

> the only place she can call me, off-guard, is at work and then I can

> always tell her, I can't talk, I am at work.

>

> I am having a hard time getting thru the holidays. Their is a

> tremendous toll that my relationship with my mother takes on my

> relationship with my spouse. Its very hard to not allow my family of

> orgin ruin the best loving relationship that I have ever had. My

> mother and stepfather are rude to my spouse and refuse to acknowledge

> our relationship.

>

> I am open to any suggestions the group may have about getting on with

> my life and accepting that there is nothing I can do to fix or change

> this situation. I am very, very close to eliminating all contact

> with them. As it is now, I only return their phone calls.

>

[Guest guest]

> >

> > I am the daughter of a borderline mother. I always knew

something

> > was not quite normal, if you will, with our family. My mother

always

> > had conflicts with everyone. At any given moment, she would not

be

> > speaking with a friend or family members. I was truly the " good

> > child. " The hardest thing is to come to terms that my mother

will

> > never change. In her words, " if I am wrong, I am going to my

grave

> > wrong. " She is always a victim; everyone " abandons her " and your

> > feelings do not matter at all.

> >

> > I realize that I am afraid of her and her wrath. I have been

most of

> > my life. But I am changing. I am not giving into guilt or

threats

> > or nasty messages left on my voice mail. I moved recently and

rather

> > than give her all of my contact information, as I ususally would,

I

> > decided that she and my step-father, who does not see anything,

no

> > longer have the privilege of having all of my contact

information.

> > They have my cell number and post office box for my address.

About

> > the only place she can call me, off-guard, is at work and then I

can

> > always tell her, I can't talk, I am at work.

> >

> > I am having a hard time getting thru the holidays. Their is a

> > tremendous toll that my relationship with my mother takes on my

> > relationship with my spouse. Its very hard to not allow my

family of

> > orgin ruin the best loving relationship that I have ever had. My

> > mother and stepfather are rude to my spouse and refuse to

acknowledge

> > our relationship.

> >

> > I am open to any suggestions the group may have about getting on

with

> > my life and accepting that there is nothing I can do to fix or

change

> > this situation. I am very, very close to eliminating all contact

> > with them. As it is now, I only return their phone calls.

> >

> Thank You so much for your kind and very supportive words. Its

been one of the hardest, most difficult times in my life, but I know

if I don't make some changes for me, my life will be consumed by

her. And at 46 years old, I think it time for me to be a little

selfish and care about me for a change. Thank you again.!

[Guest guest]

d.harris -- Have a wonderful, loving, positive holiday, too!

Isn't this board wonderful? I pay for therapy, but I really think

this board lends the most support in my struggle. To know that we all

have basically the same struggle is such a comfort.

{hugs}

Kyla

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

What an encouraging response!!! When my nada called my MIL over a year

ago, she was complaining that I really pulled away from her when I

married my husband. My MIL explained that we are to " leave and

cleave. " Her response was that only applied to men. Nuts!!! I love,

honor and respect my husband. Nada would want me to disrespect him to

her, to make fun of him... this is the example she set for me with her

own husband(s).

Sometimes it's hard for me when my husband expresses his lack of hope

for any relationship with nada. I want to hope, or at least a part of

me does. I really look to my husband as the leader of our family, and

I respect him as the head of our family. He feels a strong need to

protect me and our two little girls. It's encouraging to read your

post, in that you are right - my husband is my family now, and this

unit, the four of us (my kids, my DH and me) are my family. It IS sad

that nada made me choose him, that I was in that position. She started

getting weird on me when I married him, and it only became worse when

I had my first child.

Thanks for the encouragement... I find particular strength and support

when I read your posts and responses.

Grace

" Its very hard to not allow my family of orgin ruin the best

> loving relationship that I have ever had. " My dear, you CAN'T allow

> it! How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Your

> family of origin has CHOSEN to be a hindrance to your happiness and

> has CHOSEN not to give your home the respect it deserves. THEY are

> the ones who are choosing the consequences: You can't let them

> selfishly trample all over the life you're building.

>

> If your parents have decided to disrespect him, they've made their

> choice, and I'm afraid it's not you. It hurts, but they're FORCING

> you to choose your husband.

>

> Hang in there -- look for the blessings this holiday, and don't

> dwell on the loss. These days will pass, and you'll be stronger for

> it.

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

I think it's so powerful that this community exists, and that we can

find that we're not alone, and that our nadas aren't isolated cases

of bad behavior when we bring " outsiders " around.

My nada was disturbed by my getting engaged and married, too.

Didn't want to be bothered to meet and get to know my husband's side

of the family. I thought it was just me -- that I had chosen badly

again.

It's so refreshing to know that we aren't alone, that this behavior

of nada's is straight from the BPD playbook, and that we can choose

our new family without feeling pulled by some self-serving, twisted

expectation of total loyalty.

Yes, our husbands and children are our family now. (My dad betrayed

their mindset when he wrote a mean e-mail in response to me spending

Thanksgiving with hubby's side of the family. He wrote " You know,

you could have asked YOUR OWN family about plans for Thanksgiving. " -

- that tells me right there that he and nada still think they're #1,

and that they still see me as their little child, their possession

and admonished me as disloyal for daring to make plans with

husband's family. The difference this time, is that I didn't play

along. Went right back to my plans and had a wonderful time.

They're probably still seething now. Let 'em.)

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

Good for you - I am so glad you stood strong and had a great

Thanksgiving. I can relate. My nada is SO jealous of my in-laws.

" Possession " is a good word to describe how we are viewed sometimes.

Good for you for staying strong.

Grace

>

> I think it's so powerful that this community exists, and that we can

> find that we're not alone, and that our nadas aren't isolated cases

> of bad behavior when we bring " outsiders " around.

>

> My nada was disturbed by my getting engaged and married, too.

> Didn't want to be bothered to meet and get to know my husband's side

> of the family. I thought it was just me -- that I had chosen badly

> again.

>

> It's so refreshing to know that we aren't alone, that this behavior

> of nada's is straight from the BPD playbook, and that we can choose

> our new family without feeling pulled by some self-serving, twisted

> expectation of total loyalty.

>

> Yes, our husbands and children are our family now. (My dad betrayed

> their mindset when he wrote a mean e-mail in response to me spending

> Thanksgiving with hubby's side of the family. He wrote " You know,

> you could have asked YOUR OWN family about plans for Thanksgiving. " -

> - that tells me right there that he and nada still think they're #1,

> and that they still see me as their little child, their possession

> and admonished me as disloyal for daring to make plans with

> husband's family. The difference this time, is that I didn't play

> along. Went right back to my plans and had a wonderful time.

> They're probably still seething now. Let 'em.)

>

> -Kyla

>