Re: Christmas

[Guest guest]

wisteria --

This is a doozy, but we are NEVER as helpless as we sometimes think

we are....

If she follows you around -- turn around and politely tell her you

need her to stop that. If she's talking nonstop and it's rattling

you, tell her you need to not talk for awhile.

Make plans with SOMEONE ELSE during the long visit and go do

something without her. Give her jobs to do --

If you don't make your needs clear, (and yes, I mean you risk

pissing her off -- TOO FREAKIN' BAD) then you're just lining up to

be a victim and letting her trample all over you however she wants.

If she starts in on her love life (or anything else) and you don't

want to hear it, let her know " I think we've talked about this

enough -- I'm going to read for a little while. "

These are just examples -- you can tailor them to fit your

particular situation. The point is: remove yourself from the

environment periodically, make your needs known and then stick to

it. If you just give her carte blanche to do whatever she wants

with no rules or boundaries of your own, OF COURSE she wants to come

and spend tons of time there!

If not allowing her to come isn't an option, then you HAVE to draw

the line. Split up the time with activity, planned disappearances

by you, boundaries for the nonstop talking and following you around,

etc. She's a grown woman and ought to know how to amuse herself by

now. You don't exist solely for that purpose, especially in your

own home. That is YOUR house -- make it known what you will and

will not tolerate.

If you don't, then of course you're going to be a panicked, helpless

victim.

-Kyla

>

> I think I have things under control, then she totally flips me

out.

> Nada has had another fight with her boyfriend and wants to come to

our

> house Friday for the Christmas holidays because she isn't going to

> spend another long weekend by herself. " Is that too early? " She

> caught me unawares, and all I could think to say was " Well, a

little.

> Saturday would be better. " I had myself mentally prepared for her

> arrival Sunday, and leaving Wednesday, as she usually does. (she

> lives 3 hours away.) Then she started in on another of many

stories

> about the boyfriend, and I practically hung up on her. Oh, and the

> beginning of the conversation was her irritation because I hadn't

> given her explicit instructions on what to buy me for Christmas. I

> asked for a donation to charity last year and she acted like I

wanted

> her to throw her money in a well.

>

> I got off the phone 3 hours ago and I still want to throw up.

She's

> 73 and thinks of herself as the hottest thing around. She has to

have

> a man on the string, and he must look and dress like he has a lot

of

> CLASS. That's her big word. She's dumped really nice guys for

> obnoxious jerks who don't have a penny to rub together, like the

> current old goat. She could have remarried several times after she

> divorced my father, but she'd rather stay single and have herself a

> pity party on every holiday. Oh, and every Sunday, too. Did you

know

> that every other person in Dallas has family that they go to church

> with? She's the only person in the whole city who doesn't spend

every

> Sunday with her children. It's a fact. She tells me so every few

> months.

>

> How do I get through this visit? She lives alone, in a city with

no

> relatives, and I'm the only child. We left town Thanksgiving, in

part

> to keep her from visiting. Only one of my sons will be here this

> year, and he and my husband just disappear into another part of the

> house and only surface for meals. She is constantly in my face.

She

> has to be in whatever room I'm in. She has nothing to talk about,

> because I put a stop years ago to listening to her mean stories

about

> her sisters. She doesn't read, barely watches TV, and will have

her

> horrible dog with her. She bites verbally; he bites literally.

>

> For years I alternated Christmases with her and my father; once he

> passed away she expects to be here every year. She doesn't ask if

> she's invited, she just asks if we're going to be here. And even

> though they think she's crazy, my boys would think I was awful if

she

> wasn't included. Nobody understands how awful a NADA makes her

child

> feel except another kid of. Even my husband, who thinks she's a

crazy

> bitch and who first told me he thought she was BPD, doesn't really

> understand how upset I am.

>

> Coping strategies, anyone? I would be very happy if I never ever

saw

> her again, never listened to another lie, to another story about

how

> all the men at the senior center think she's beautiful, or

listened to

> another veiled criticism of me.

>

> What can I do now to calm myself down? I cannot tell her not to

come;

> that isn't an option.

>

> Thanks for any ideas,

> Wisteria.

>

[Guest guest]

Kyla, this is good. I never looked at it like this:

>If you just give her carte blanche to do whatever she wants

with no rules or boundaries of your own, OF COURSE she wants to come

and spend tons of time there!

That makes so much sense. I need to stop my automatic hospitality and

not view her or treat her as a guest.

As far as pissing her off, I'm dangerously close to erupting with her,

and I know from experience that accomplishes nothing. She has to be

aware that I don't want her here, but she views it as her right. In a

normal family, I think that would be a reasonable assumption, but

there's never been anything normal about our relationship.

Maybe I can find her something to do outside. And I'll make sure the

heat doesn't get turned up above 68. She hates that, and my hot

flashes keep me warm.

Thanks---

Wisteria

> >

> > I think I have things under control, then she totally flips me

> out.

> > Nada has had another fight with her boyfriend and wants to come to

> our

> > house Friday for the Christmas holidays because she isn't going to

> > spend another long weekend by herself. " Is that too early? " She

> > caught me unawares, and all I could think to say was " Well, a

> little.

> > Saturday would be better. " I had myself mentally prepared for her

> > arrival Sunday, and leaving Wednesday, as she usually does. (she

> > lives 3 hours away.) Then she started in on another of many

> stories

> > about the boyfriend, and I practically hung up on her. Oh, and the

> > beginning of the conversation was her irritation because I hadn't

> > given her explicit instructions on what to buy me for Christmas. I

> > asked for a donation to charity last year and she acted like I

> wanted

> > her to throw her money in a well.

> >

> > I got off the phone 3 hours ago and I still want to throw up.

> She's

> > 73 and thinks of herself as the hottest thing around. She has to

> have

> > a man on the string, and he must look and dress like he has a lot

> of

> > CLASS. That's her big word. She's dumped really nice guys for

> > obnoxious jerks who don't have a penny to rub together, like the

> > current old goat. She could have remarried several times after she

> > divorced my father, but she'd rather stay single and have herself a

> > pity party on every holiday. Oh, and every Sunday, too. Did you

> know

> > that every other person in Dallas has family that they go to church

> > with? She's the only person in the whole city who doesn't spend

> every

> > Sunday with her children. It's a fact. She tells me so every few

> > months.

> >

> > How do I get through this visit? She lives alone, in a city with

> no

> > relatives, and I'm the only child. We left town Thanksgiving, in

> part

> > to keep her from visiting. Only one of my sons will be here this

> > year, and he and my husband just disappear into another part of the

> > house and only surface for meals. She is constantly in my face.

> She

> > has to be in whatever room I'm in. She has nothing to talk about,

> > because I put a stop years ago to listening to her mean stories

> about

> > her sisters. She doesn't read, barely watches TV, and will have

> her

> > horrible dog with her. She bites verbally; he bites literally.

> >

> > For years I alternated Christmases with her and my father; once he

> > passed away she expects to be here every year. She doesn't ask if

> > she's invited, she just asks if we're going to be here. And even

> > though they think she's crazy, my boys would think I was awful if

> she

> > wasn't included. Nobody understands how awful a NADA makes her

> child

> > feel except another kid of. Even my husband, who thinks she's a

> crazy

> > bitch and who first told me he thought she was BPD, doesn't really

> > understand how upset I am.

> >

> > Coping strategies, anyone? I would be very happy if I never ever

> saw

> > her again, never listened to another lie, to another story about

> how

> > all the men at the senior center think she's beautiful, or

> listened to

> > another veiled criticism of me.

> >

> > What can I do now to calm myself down? I cannot tell her not to

> come;

> > that isn't an option.

> >

> > Thanks for any ideas,

> > Wisteria.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah -- she can be put to work if she really wants to be included as

a member of the family! You're not running a hotel there!

I remember whenever my husband and I would visit his brother and

sister-in-law. We'd stay with them a couple of days, usually. My

sister in law has a full life, and she'd still bustle around and

sometimes they even had a party to go to, and would let us have some

time alone at their house! Nothing rude, or anything, she would

still make sure that the first night or day, we'd sit around the

table or the couch and have a nice long catchup session -- and we'd

have most meals together, etc. (and they are two WONDERFUL people --

good hearted, loving people)

My sister in law would make you welcome, but wouldn't expect you to

be attached to her leg. They'd even bid everyone goodnight and go

to bed with a book -- and you know what? It was nice to have our

own time without feeling guilty! I would go back to my book, or go

upstairs and lay there and watch TV -- guilt free!!

Maybe step outside the box you've normally drawn for how you picture

these loooooooong visits to go. Break it up in your mind, kind of

like " OK, after breakfast, I'm going to go do some last minute

Christmas shopping.....or Starbucks with Susie......or a

bookstore......etc., etc.

Hand your mom some presents and ask her to wrap them!

Give her a recipe and the ingredients and ask her to make the

pumpkin pie....

Does she drive? Teach her where the store is, and then say " OK,

you're my last-minute store runner! " ......or better yet, YOU go to

the store to get away from her!

If you break it up with big breaks from her, you'd be surprised how

fast the weekend goes! Announce you're going to the bedroom and

locking the door to do some last minute wrapping -- then keep her

out! Rent her some movies, or whatever she might like to do on her

own....

Or YOU could rent a movie and go into your room and watch it. If

she tries to interrupt, say " I'm watching this movie now -- I'll

talk to you later. "

If you can't escape the house that close to Christmas, keep her

busy, tell her you need some quiet time, or change the subject, etc.

Be creative -- remap how you're going to spend time with her -- DRAW

YOUR BOUNDARIES -- politely, of course, but draw them nonetheless --

and if she gets a shocked look on her face, say nothing while

looking her straight in the eye.

Again, be creative -- you're the one who knows YOU and knows your

mom best. You know what buttons she pushes and what your time limit

is before you start going crazy at something she's doing -- those

are the critical times you need to address with an action plan.

Being prepared and ready with some memorized phrases is 80% of

conquering it.

Then come back and tell us what you came up with! I'm sure you could

help a LOT of people here with your strategies. Especially the ones

that work!

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Wysteria,

If the son(s) think it would be so awful to NOT invite their granada then

perhaps they could

be tasked with doing something with her while she is there. In addition to all

the wonderful

suggestions Kyla recommended.

xoxo Carla

[Guest guest]

Wisteria,

My nada is only 60 and has been married for 9 years, THANK GOD!!! I

might think she is bad now, but she is uncontrollable when she is

single. She is like a freakin cat in heat......and her prey is

usually married or taken. This is no matter to her......I think she

prefers the " hunt " and the catch of her " prey " . Not only has she

ruined our family, but she has ruined many more with the married men

she has " caught and released " . She leaves them dazed and

confused....and most of the time with empty wallets. She has gotten

cars, free construction for her house, jewelry and has even gotten a

freakin HOUSE from an ex (so nice of her to offer a balloon payment,

he only had to sign the house over to her ;0) ( " it was for his own

good don't cha know!?!? " ). She has had 1 job, that maybe lasted 2

years, since divorcing my father 20+ years ago, and quit that after

she landed her latest husband.

I had to laugh at the temperature of your house.......my nada will

sit on my couch with a blanket, in horror, to how cold it is (69-70)

and even is so dramatic as to shiver. At her house she has the

freakin heat set to distroy, and you wake up, desperate to find the

vent, to then shove a pillow in it......otherwise you can't even

breathe. This from the nada who made us quit electric heat growing

up, to switch to wood.....although she had a nice, warm, cozy HEATED

water bed, that the heat from it would steam the windows of the

whole house when you opened the door!!! She would always tell

us..... " if you are cold put on a sweater or get an afgan " . I would

love to tell her the same when she is here.....HAG!!!

I am sorry you are stuck.......you are a brave woman to have to

endure this. Listen to Kyla, and make sure you have an errand

everyday, a massage, teeth cleaning, manicure, pedicure, hair

appointment, feed the pigs, sheer the sheep, swim to India to pick

up some gifts.....drive to France to get some wine......plant the

fields....

Try to see the humor in your situation, and post here often to let

us know how it goes.......drlingirl

>

> I think I have things under control, then she totally flips me

out.

> Nada has had another fight with her boyfriend and wants to come to

our

> house Friday for the Christmas holidays because she isn't going to

> spend another long weekend by herself. " Is that too early? " She

> caught me unawares, and all I could think to say was " Well, a

little.

> Saturday would be better. " I had myself mentally prepared for her

> arrival Sunday, and leaving Wednesday, as she usually does. (she

> lives 3 hours away.) Then she started in on another of many

stories

> about the boyfriend, and I practically hung up on her. Oh, and the

> beginning of the conversation was her irritation because I hadn't

> given her explicit instructions on what to buy me for Christmas. I

> asked for a donation to charity last year and she acted like I

wanted

> her to throw her money in a well.

>

> I got off the phone 3 hours ago and I still want to throw up.

She's

> 73 and thinks of herself as the hottest thing around. She has to

have

> a man on the string, and he must look and dress like he has a lot

of

> CLASS. That's her big word. She's dumped really nice guys for

> obnoxious jerks who don't have a penny to rub together, like the

> current old goat. She could have remarried several times after she

> divorced my father, but she'd rather stay single and have herself a

> pity party on every holiday. Oh, and every Sunday, too. Did you

know

> that every other person in Dallas has family that they go to church

> with? She's the only person in the whole city who doesn't spend

every

> Sunday with her children. It's a fact. She tells me so every few

> months.

>

> How do I get through this visit? She lives alone, in a city with

no

> relatives, and I'm the only child. We left town Thanksgiving, in

part

> to keep her from visiting. Only one of my sons will be here this

> year, and he and my husband just disappear into another part of the

> house and only surface for meals. She is constantly in my face.

She

> has to be in whatever room I'm in. She has nothing to talk about,

> because I put a stop years ago to listening to her mean stories

about

> her sisters. She doesn't read, barely watches TV, and will have

her

> horrible dog with her. She bites verbally; he bites literally.

>

> For years I alternated Christmases with her and my father; once he

> passed away she expects to be here every year. She doesn't ask if

> she's invited, she just asks if we're going to be here. And even

> though they think she's crazy, my boys would think I was awful if

she

> wasn't included. Nobody understands how awful a NADA makes her

child

> feel except another kid of. Even my husband, who thinks she's a

crazy

> bitch and who first told me he thought she was BPD, doesn't really

> understand how upset I am.

>

> Coping strategies, anyone? I would be very happy if I never ever

saw

> her again, never listened to another lie, to another story about

how

> all the men at the senior center think she's beautiful, or

listened to

> another veiled criticism of me.

>

> What can I do now to calm myself down? I cannot tell her not to

come;

> that isn't an option.

>

> Thanks for any ideas,

> Wisteria.

>

[Guest guest]

Darlingirl, you're so lucky! I just know my life would be easier if

nada married one of these dumbos! She can't give up on the idea that

there's a better one just around the corner, on the next church bench,

or maybe at the dominos table at the senior center. And she does so

love to alienate them from their children. Oh, and she told the

minister stories about one of them after she dumped him so that he

would discourage him from coming to church. (Do you think the Devil

made her do it?)

I'm going to write down a plan and post it in my closet so I can refer

to it in private. I'll let you know how it goes.

Wisteria

>

> Wisteria,

>

> My nada is only 60 and has been married for 9 years, THANK GOD!!! I

> might think she is bad now, but she is uncontrollable when she is

> single. She is like a freakin cat in heat......and her prey is

> usually married or taken. This is no matter to her......I think she

> prefers the " hunt " and the catch of her " prey " . Not only has she

> ruined our family, but she has ruined many more with the married men

> she has " caught and released " . She leaves them dazed and

> confused....and most of the time with empty wallets. She has gotten

> cars, free construction for her house, jewelry and has even gotten a

> freakin HOUSE from an ex (so nice of her to offer a balloon payment,

> he only had to sign the house over to her ;0) ( " it was for his own

> good don't cha know!?!? " ). She has had 1 job, that maybe lasted 2

> years, since divorcing my father 20+ years ago, and quit that after

> she landed her latest husband.

>

> I had to laugh at the temperature of your house.......my nada will

> sit on my couch with a blanket, in horror, to how cold it is (69-70)

> and even is so dramatic as to shiver. At her house she has the

> freakin heat set to distroy, and you wake up, desperate to find the

> vent, to then shove a pillow in it......otherwise you can't even

> breathe. This from the nada who made us quit electric heat growing

> up, to switch to wood.....although she had a nice, warm, cozy HEATED

> water bed, that the heat from it would steam the windows of the

> whole house when you opened the door!!! She would always tell

> us..... " if you are cold put on a sweater or get an afgan " . I would

> love to tell her the same when she is here.....HAG!!!

>

> I am sorry you are stuck.......you are a brave woman to have to

> endure this. Listen to Kyla, and make sure you have an errand

> everyday, a massage, teeth cleaning, manicure, pedicure, hair

> appointment, feed the pigs, sheer the sheep, swim to India to pick

> up some gifts.....drive to France to get some wine......plant the

> fields....

>

> Try to see the humor in your situation, and post here often to let

> us know how it goes.......drlingirl

>

>