New here (VERY LONG)

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

Sorry for not using the abbrev's, terms...will in future.....Sorry for this

very long post, alot to say first time, future letters will be short. I've

come here to help me deal with my mother, not let her upset me, with her

roller coaster emotional dramas. I believe my mother has BPD. I am 45 years

old, living in Newfoundland, Canada. It's a long story of her many dramas,

angry outbursts and hurt feelings, I recall since childhood. There are 6

daughters, 3 of us live home and and 3 live away. About a month ago my

mother, age 71, once again created another drama scene. They usually start

out where she is upset with one of her daughters or with Dad (eg: if she

feels ignored, jealousy), then she may redirect her anger to someone else

over something totally different, maybe something from anytime in

past, 35, 15 years ago or recent. She gets very hurt, outraged with anger,

calling each sibling up on phone, trashing the other daughter or my father,

from everything she can think off that ever happened in the past to

offend/hurt her, etc....I call it " divide and conquer " ...

This last scene started where she was upset with a cousin of mine,

redirected to my sister over something else and then it landed with me, her

main target, all created by her and her pain. No longer mad at anyone else,

just good old me. I finally spoke to her on the phone after me calling her

several times, about 2 weeks later she answered her phone and we talked

about other stuff but when I invited her to visit me, she said she would

because she wanted to " have a CHAT with me " about something. I

immediately proceeded to tell her I would not be discussing what happened

prior..On the phone she decided right then to have her CHAT " I TOLD YOU NOT

TO BLA, BLA.... " ..so I hung up when when she ignored my wishes and started

in on me. Her chats are all one sided, all about her pain, her hurt, where

if I say how I feel, she can't handle it and will go off her head, so I

refused to discuss it with her. More importantly, I know this all truly

has nothing to do with me, or anyone else, none of it, as it really is

about her illness and I refuse to make it about me. Hanging up on my

mother, INFURIATED her for sure!!! I'm sure she said to herself

afterwards....How dare you, I am your mother, I am in charge!!!!!!!!She

once again called all her children (5 daughters) and once again trashed me

lots....with her twisted truths...One sister told me, you are the first to

stand up to her. Usually they all try to fix it, say whatever they think

mom wants to hear to make mom FEEL better. Tell her they are sorry,

whatever....I don't take that approach as I feel this is all a form of

control, getting others to do what she wants and I won't play that game and

she knows it and thus I am and never will be one of her favorites. I

usually just avoid her for a while until she settles down...this time it

may carry all the way into Christmas, another drama I expect in store ahead

over the holidays .....

Although we have since talked on the phone, it is strained and

uncomfortable at times, as she can be cutting with her words, little digs.

I have made a real effort to be pleasant and move forward, let it all blow

over " . I have not seen her since and she has not been to my house since,

repeatedly turn down my invites. I can tell she is up to something, phony

nice, plotting how she is going to get her way, and MAKE me listen. Some of

my sisters, believes she is just " really sensitive " all stemming from

childhood (her mother died when she was 6), other siblings like myself

believe she has BPD. Thus siblings contribute to the problem by listening

to her trash the other sibling or Dad, and " trying to fix " the problem, to

make mother happy, and some even encourage her to create more drama.

Mother and sister both each called me suddenly today, to say they are

coming for a visit together tomorrow. Mother says it is because she wants

to drop off Christmas cards with gifts, and see some new things I bought. I

am guarded and suspicious. This will be the first time Mother has visited

in my home since the drama scene, with me and others. I know she can't let

anything go, so I expect she will want to corner me and chastize me, how

she is mad at me for bla, bla, bla, .... So today I called back my sister,

who enables mother, encourages the drama, who contributes to the problem,

mothers favorite, the spy ( " Spy Sister " ), mother feeds off her...and I told

her that when her and mother come to visit, " please I do not want to

discuss last month with mom, if mom is planning anything please tell her

not to do so, as I can not handle it " .....She denied mother was up to any

thing but I know better. I'm sure she ran back to mother and told

her " She's knows what you are up to " . I figure mother now may have since

changed her plans and may now have decided to write me a long lengthy

letter about every thing she feels I have ever done wrong to hurt her, or

anyone else, all my sins, etc...and it will be included in the Christmas

cards, which she may now just drop off at my door. Or she may come in the

house and just before she leaves, after a pleasant visit, let me have it

(chastising me like I am a child). In the past when mother was on one of

her drama kicks I would avoid her for 3 days (golden rule) and that seemed

to help, if I wasn't the target and I never had to listen to her drama, or

get involved in it....Avoidnace is how I like to handle her.....This recent

drama I got unknowingly cornered into something and couldn't avoid her and

thus directed her anger towards me...

So tomorrow, Friday, not sure how the day will go with her and sis, if she

visits. If she starts in on me in my home, I plan to politely excuse myself

from the room, tell her I am taking a shower and lock myself in bathroom

door and take a shower and turn radio on to drown her out, until she

leaves. If I get a letter enclosed with Christmas card I will throw it in

garbage and not read it.....what else can I do, expect? I don't like having

to think ahead, what is she up to, what is she planning, trying to be

prepared for the unexpected but then it helps me handle it better when I

know whats probably ahead. If I throw letter away I will not tell " Spy

Sister " , as she will just run back to mother and they will just go on doing

more plotting on how mother can have her rant with me. One sister who as

well knows mother is ill, said " she will never let it go! " ........if you

read to the end, thank-you, appreciated,...any words of wisdom

appreciated?....Broomie