Guest guest Posted December 18, 2007 Report Share Posted December 18, 2007 I did something today that I hope I won't regret. I sent my nada an email explaining why I am NC. I explained it wasn't punishment, but that I was removing myself from her pattern of behavior towards me (and gave some general examples). I also told her I thought she was Borderline. I had been wanting to let her know more about my actions...and after talking to my sibling, I felt it was the right time. She has the resources to get help, if she chooses to do so. I do not believe that she will. But I feel better knowing I put all of the information out there in a peaceful, non-angry way. Of course, how it will be perceived is another story. I guess recently I have been thinking about nada's life and how horrifying her childhood was. I do not want to cause her more pain - it makes me feel sad to do so. I know that limiting contact is best, but for the first time, I am starting to really imagine it from her viewpoint. This is a rambling thread, but I was just wondering if anyone has felt similarly and would share about it. ER Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2007 Report Share Posted December 18, 2007 I have similar feelings about going nc from my mum. I haven't spoken to her for over a year and haven't seen her for about 17 months. Like yours, my mum had quite a sad childhood (most borderlines probably have - that's why they've developed the disorder). However, as my therapist once said to me " it's you or her " . I've spent more than 40 years trying to make the relationship right - trying to make her into the " good " mother, and it's never going to happen. I find when I start doubting what i've done and start feeling guilty i just remind myself of why i went nc in the first place. There comes a point where you have to say to yourself " i want a life " - and you can't let your mum or " nada " take that away from you anymore. When my Dad died, i felt guilty for not seeing him more often (him and my mum were still together). But now i realise it was for the best and i don't feel guilty anymore. I sometimes think the fear of bereavement, and the accompanying feelings, was more scary than the actual bereavement itself. I sometimes wonder how i will feel when my mum eventually dies, but i know i'm doing what's best for me now and trying to avoid becoming a bitter and twisted old woman. Good Luck! Jeanie jeanie Will I regret this? I did something today that I hope I won't regret. I sent my nada an email explaining why I am NC. I explained it wasn't punishment, but that I was removing myself from her pattern of behavior towards me (and gave some general examples). I also told her I thought she was Borderline. I had been wanting to let her know more about my actions...and after talking to my sibling, I felt it was the right time. She has the resources to get help, if she chooses to do so. I do not believe that she will. But I feel better knowing I put all of the information out there in a peaceful, non-angry way. Of course, how it will be perceived is another story. I guess recently I have been thinking about nada's life and how horrifying her childhood was. I do not want to cause her more pain - it makes me feel sad to do so. I know that limiting contact is best, but for the first time, I am starting to really imagine it from her viewpoint. This is a rambling thread, but I was just wondering if anyone has felt similarly and would share about it. ER ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page. http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2007 Report Share Posted December 18, 2007 You wrote: " But I feel better knowing I put all of the information out there in a peaceful, non-angry way. " I think that best states why I support people telling the BPD once why they are pulling away. It seems only fair, and gives them the chance to examine their behavior and the consequences of it. Generally, a BPD doesn't admit wrongdoing, but we should always give people the chance to know where we stand. I support what you did -- I don't think YOU need to regret it. What she does with the information is up to her, so you can't " regret " it based on her reaction. I wouldn't regret what you did -- it shows a respect for yourself AND for her! Don't expect any sea change in her (although you never know!), and keep working your program no matter how she reacts. -Kyla Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2007 Report Share Posted December 18, 2007 I can relate to this, as I have been basically NC since April. My mother has sent me a letter explaining why she blew up (that time) and reducing our lack of contact to that one episode. However, it is of course WAY more than that for me...the long, long history of emotional/verbal abuse that all the folks on this group know too well. However, I don't want to add pain to her life if I can help it. That's a pretty impossible thing to do, I think. Right now I am vacillating about responding to her letter, because frankly it was pretty evenkeeled even if it was off base. Yes, I would say that I am thinking about writing my mom too...not going into a lot of detail but spelling out some things. My sister (who supports me very well on this now that she has been the target of my mom's rages in my absence--yep, sis was split white and you can guess which side of the coin I was, despite my squeaky clean lifestyle) has asked me to wait until after the holidays and I am more than willing to do that, especially since I'm still trying to figure out how to handle it. If I DO write my mom, it will be to try to be gracious (even though it won't be taken that way), firm, and communicate things for ME, not because I think she'll change. She WON'T change, unless God intervenes in a supernatural way. The letter would be for my sake and not hers, although I would want to stay away from any unnecessary pain. As you have probably experienced, the odds of her taking it the right way aren't good, but there are many reasons to write a letter--and not to write a letter. If you do it for YOU (and in my case, also God) then you will have achieved something no matter how she responds, IMHO. > > I did something today that I hope I won't regret. I sent my nada an > email explaining why I am NC. I explained it wasn't punishment, but > that I was removing myself from her pattern of behavior towards me > (and gave some general examples). I also told her I thought she was > Borderline. > > I had been wanting to let her know more about my actions...and after > talking to my sibling, I felt it was the right time. She has the > resources to get help, if she chooses to do so. I do not believe that > she will. But I feel better knowing I put all of the information out > there in a peaceful, non-angry way. Of course, how it will be > perceived is another story. > > I guess recently I have been thinking about nada's life and how > horrifying her childhood was. I do not want to cause her more pain - > it makes me feel sad to do so. I know that limiting contact is best, > but for the first time, I am starting to really imagine it from her > viewpoint. > > This is a rambling thread, but I was just wondering if anyone has felt > similarly and would share about it. > ER > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2007 Report Share Posted December 18, 2007 I am not sure sending the email will change anything in my situation. I think my dad is filtering my mom's email and is not going to let her read it. I am frustrated because he has been telling me, " well, your mom is really upset because she doesn't understand what she's done to make you pull away from her. " I finally try to tell her, and I think he is keeping it from her. I think he just does not want deal with her reaction. At least I tried. Right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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