Re: Kids

[Guest guest]

Writermanque,

I've had the same questions through the years, and still worry about

how my kids feel about their childhoods. (Haven't all of us been well

schooled in guilt? And inadequacy? Oh, don't forget incompetence.)

I've tried so hard to conjure up some good memories about my nada, and

it's almost impossible.

I think it helps so much that you're aware of the possibilities for

screwing up. I certainly didn't have a role model other than my

father's mother, but I knew what kind of family I wanted, and that it

would be up to me to create it. My husband is great and comes from a

semi-normal family, but it's easy for one of the parents to whack

things up, as we all know.

Spend lots of time just having fun with your kids. Get down in the

floor and play games with them. Read to them at night. Do one on one

activities. Volunteer at their schools if you have time. Heck, just

take a book and sit in the room where they're playing. It's good for

them to realize you like to spend time with them just because. To

HELL with the housework. I work at a children's hospital, and even

when they're sick, kids are fun to be with. If you find yourself

getting angry or tense, take a mental time out. I can remember

leaving the room after telling my boys that I was just too mad to talk

to them right then.

Since you're aware that sarcasm might be a problem, try to be very

conscious of what you say for a few weeks. You can train yourself not

to respond like that. I sent my magic magnet to my sister-in-law when

she was having a stressful time with her kids. It was a quote from a

Ricki Lee song that said " You never know when you're making a

memory. " Print it out in big letters and tape it to the bathroom

mirror. I honestly tried to live by it. You want those memories to

be good.

I used to freak out about the example I was setting for my kids with

my relationship with nada. I was afraid they'd grow up and think it

was normal not to want to see me or to dodge my phone calls. My good

friend made me see that I'd not followed the path my nada set out, and

that my boys actually liked me. So don't be too hard on yourself.

Tell them at least once every single day that you love them and know

that you're going to screw up sometimes. Forgive yourself when you

do, and try to do better next time. And yes, you can apologize later

if you lose your temper/say something sarcastic, or whatever. That's

better than pretending it never happened.

The cliche is true: they do grow up so incredibly fast, and you'll

never have this time again. Kids are not just miniature adults; they

think differently and see things through a different filter. They

want to be loved, and you obviously love yours very much. You can be

the mother that you want to be. Don't allow your relationship with

your parents to take that away from you. Don't let that be one more

way they screw you over. Build a wall if you have to. Be that mother

tigress.

I hope this is helpful. Mine have turned out great, and they enjoy

spending time with us. The older one is in England doing a graduate

degree at Cambridge (brag brag, I JUST CAN'T HELP IT) and the other

one is a junior at a wonderful college. They're bright and damn it,

they're happy. And NORMAL, by any definition of the word. And they

don't hate me.

If you had asked me when I was in high school, I never woulda thunk it

could have happened.

Wisteria

-- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " writermanque "

wrote:

>

> I have three kids ages eight, six, and four. Of course I'm biased,

> but they are just about the greatest people I've ever known. I

> recently realized that I'm scared to death that I'm messing them

> up. I've had a particularly bad year so maybe I'm feeling

> especially vulnerable, but it struck me that although I'm doing what

> I *think* healthy parents do, I have no realistic basis for

> comparison. My oldest is just getting to the age where she's

> starting to push back, and when she does, I'm finding myself

> reacting internally with: Oh God! What did I do? As I type this

> I'm realizing that this is at least partially the result of my

> learned reaction of assuming the problem in any given situation is

> somehow me. I also think one of the fleas I've picked up is a nasty

> case of sarcasm, which I try desparately not to unleash when it

> comes to my kids but I know it comes out at least once in a while.

> When I catch it, I try to apologize, but I worry that it's pervasive

> enough that I don't always catch it. I have told my kids what

> sarcasm is, and that if they catch me doing it, to call me on it and

> I promise I won't be mad. But honestly, I can't reasonably expect a

> kindergartener and a preschooler to appreciate and identify the

> subtleties of sarcasm. I'm sure from their perspective they just

> feel hurt but can't quite put their finger on it. And maybe I'm

> just needlessly worrying and feeling guilty because I'm not speaking

> with my parents at the moment. I keep telling myself that I'm

> probably doing okay, they still seem to want to hang out with me,

> they're doing fine in school, etc., etc. but then I look back at my

> own childhood and see that by external measures, there was no way of

> seeing how messed up I was getting. I mean, I wanted to hang out

> with my mom (at least when I was young, mostly to see if I could

> somehow be the child she wanted me to be), I did well in school (in

> an attempt to be the child she wanted me to be), I was clean and

> well-groomed (to be the child she wanted me to be), and if she had

> asked me how I was feeling I would have told her that I was doing

> great, because I knew if I said otherwise I would not be the child

> she wanted me to be. How can I tell if I'm messing up my kids????

> How do I make sure I'm not being inadvertently sarcastic????

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Wisteria,

Those were good words to read. I go through cycles of panic that

I'm turning into my mother. Your sons sound like wonderful people.

Writermanque

> >

> > I have three kids ages eight, six, and four. Of course I'm

biased,

> > but they are just about the greatest people I've ever known. I

> > recently realized that I'm scared to death that I'm messing them

> > up. I've had a particularly bad year so maybe I'm feeling

> > especially vulnerable, but it struck me that although I'm doing

what

> > I *think* healthy parents do, I have no realistic basis for

> > comparison. My oldest is just getting to the age where she's

> > starting to push back, and when she does, I'm finding myself

> > reacting internally with: Oh God! What did I do? As I type

this

> > I'm realizing that this is at least partially the result of my

> > learned reaction of assuming the problem in any given situation

is

> > somehow me. I also think one of the fleas I've picked up is a

nasty

> > case of sarcasm, which I try desparately not to unleash when it

> > comes to my kids but I know it comes out at least once in a

while.

> > When I catch it, I try to apologize, but I worry that it's

pervasive

> > enough that I don't always catch it. I have told my kids what

> > sarcasm is, and that if they catch me doing it, to call me on it

and

> > I promise I won't be mad. But honestly, I can't reasonably

expect a

> > kindergartener and a preschooler to appreciate and identify the

> > subtleties of sarcasm. I'm sure from their perspective they

just

> > feel hurt but can't quite put their finger on it. And maybe I'm

> > just needlessly worrying and feeling guilty because I'm not

speaking

> > with my parents at the moment. I keep telling myself that I'm

> > probably doing okay, they still seem to want to hang out with

me,

> > they're doing fine in school, etc., etc. but then I look back at

my

> > own childhood and see that by external measures, there was no

way of

> > seeing how messed up I was getting. I mean, I wanted to hang

out

> > with my mom (at least when I was young, mostly to see if I could

> > somehow be the child she wanted me to be), I did well in school

(in

> > an attempt to be the child she wanted me to be), I was clean and

> > well-groomed (to be the child she wanted me to be), and if she

had

> > asked me how I was feeling I would have told her that I was

doing

> > great, because I knew if I said otherwise I would not be the

child

> > she wanted me to be. How can I tell if I'm messing up my

kids????

> > How do I make sure I'm not being inadvertently sarcastic????

> >

>