Re: The final blowup - I HATE nada

November 26, 2007

More ridiculous, self-serving blather from a hysterical BPD.

I'm sorry she's twisting the facts all over the place, but I believe

you -- you don't have to justify yourself. She's purposely twisting

things so that it reflects better on her, so, hard as it is, you'll

have to just let her think what she thinks.

Oh, and I made the same mistake of confiding in my mother, too. You

can forgive yourself for that -- there are those pockets of time

where we told ourselves " Hey, she's not THAT bad! " Then we get

burned later. Again, forgive yourself.

I wouldn't argue point by point with her, and I don't like how she's

manipulating you into calling her back, either (We won't stop

calling until you tell us to!). That's just a trap to get you to

call her back and then she'll pounce.

You could do one of several things:

1) Have your husband call back and briefly ask her to honor your

wishes and not call and leave messages anymore;

2) Have your husband call, acting like HE got the message off

voicemail, asking you to indeed honor your wishes and not call --

you'll call when (and if ever!) you're ready. Thanks so much, BYE.

CLICK.

3) You can decide you're not going to give in to her demand

of " Tell us you don't want us to call or we won't stop. " , and you

can hit delete and just forget about her until she calls again.

4) You can call her and say " Yes -- I don't want you to call

anymore. " IGNORE whatever she throws at you (her REAL goal -- to

get you on the line), and say politely " Here's your notice: please

don't call and leave long messages on our phone. Don't call. Bye.

CLICK. " (or whatever words that apply -- you know what you want to

say). Hang up EVEN IF SHE'S STILL TALKING. If she furiously dials

you back, have your husband answer it. He can talk over her

ranting, too -- completely ignoring whatever blather she's putting

out, while he says " That's right -- we'd like you to respect our

wishes. Thanks. Bye. " CLICK.

The important part of ALL of your options is this: don't give her a

forum. That's what she wants -- and you CAN'T argue or reason with

a hysterical BPD.

This really isn't about each issue she's bringing up, point by

point -- it's about denying her the right to screech at you. She

doesn't have that right. Continue to politely and calmly hang up.

Remove the payoff.

After having said all that -- I'm sorry you're going through this.

Tough it out -- you'll be glad you did. Enlist your husband --

change your number -- do whatever you need to do to let her know

you're not going to take this anymore. Alway polite but firm and

resolute.

-Kyla

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> Sorry to post on here so much today, it just seems like the demon

in

> my mother has been unleashed and is showing no mercy. I thought if

she

> was faced with the possibility of cancer, she might improve. WRONG!

> Things have gotten so much worse...

>

> Nada called again this morning, and I didn't answer. A couple of

> minutes went by and no beeping to signify a voice mail, so I

figured

> there wasn't one. Wrong again! It was a FIVE minute message, and so

> terribly harsh, I feel like I never even knew her. But it was so

> familiar, that I know that it's the same nada it's always been.

>

> She said several terrible things, but here's the gist of it: She's

> very hurt I haven't called, she still doesn't know the test

results,

> why can't I put things aside while she's having such a hard time?

She

> wanted me to know that there are consequences for my actions (but

> apparently she thinks this doesn't apply to her?) and that someday

> I'll have kids and they'll do things to intentionally hurt me and

be

> mean to me, they'll want nothing to do with me. (Hurts even worse

> because we've been trying for a year and still haven't gotten

> pregnant.) She said she " knows about the sweet litle (note mocking

> tone here) letters you've been sending to your grandparents "

(fada's

> parents). She says I'm only doing this to hurt her because I wanted

> nothing to do with my grandparents when I lived near them, and now

I

> do. Newsflash: I started sending letters back and forth with my

> grandparents right after we got married a year and a half ago, and

I

> only started standing up to nada in early August. And every time my

> grandparents came to visit, I talked to them the entire time,

instead

> of hiding in my room like my younger brother did. But he's the

angel.

> Also, I listened to nada rant and rave about how terrible my

> grandparents were since a very young age, probably 6 or 7, maybe 8,

> and when you're enmeshed, you can't see that the BP is the one with

> the problems, everyone else is (supposedly).

>

> The real clincher was when she said, " I don't know how else I'm

> supposed to feel about your husband when all you used to do was

call

> me and keep me on the phone for 2 and 3 hours at a time complaining

> about how miserable you were. " (I guess she felt she needed to say

> this because I accused her of not liking my husband, and that's

what

> made me finally stand up to her. So she's admitting that she

doesn't

> like him and, basically, that she wasn't trying to get to know him

> better and like him more, though I doubt she realizes it. I should

> also add that she used to call ME and complain to me about how she

> didn't feel good, or had another fight with my dad, is mad at my

> grandparents, ask 20 gazillion nosy questions, etc., and I never

could

> get her off the phone. One time when I wouldn't answer the phone,

she

> threatened to call the police and have them come make sure I was

okay.

> I wouldn't answer the phone because I was PAINTING the house. For

> crying out loud.) Yes, I made

> the mistake of talking to her about my husband and I's arguments

for

> the first six months or so after we got married (a year and a half

> ago), but after Thanksgiving of last year, I stopped because I

> realized she was trying to hurt my relationship with my husband.

Ever

> since then, except for a possible slip like 8 months ago, if I

> " complained " about anything, it was that I was lonely because I

have

> had a really hard time meeting people in this area. So to top

> everything off, I think she's trying to break up my marriage.

>

> After she says all this crap, she says, " You know, I don't want to

say

> anything I'll regret in a voice mail. We can't work this out if we

> can't talk. " And ends the conversation with, " I love you. "

>

> She's half crying, half yelling through all of this. I just hate

her.

> I said this morning I want her to go away, well now, I am done. She

> just told me that she doesn't like my husband and doesn't see how

> she's supposed to, doesn't see a reason to. Well, fine.

>

> She says that if we want her and my dad to leave us alone, we just

> need to tell them. But we have to tell them, or they won't leave us

> alone. That's what she SAID. Can you believe it?

>

> Please help me. If I was within physical distance right now, I

think

> I'd shake her.

>

November 26, 2007

Oh, and next time, hit delete without listening to the message!

-Kyla

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> Sorry to post on here so much today, it just seems like the demon

in

> my mother has been unleashed and is showing no mercy. I thought if

she

> was faced with the possibility of cancer, she might improve. WRONG!

> Things have gotten so much worse...

>

> Nada called again this morning, and I didn't answer. A couple of

> minutes went by and no beeping to signify a voice mail, so I

figured

> there wasn't one. Wrong again! It was a FIVE minute message, and so

> terribly harsh, I feel like I never even knew her. But it was so

> familiar, that I know that it's the same nada it's always been.

>

> She said several terrible things, but here's the gist of it: She's

> very hurt I haven't called, she still doesn't know the test

results,

> why can't I put things aside while she's having such a hard time?

She

> wanted me to know that there are consequences for my actions (but

> apparently she thinks this doesn't apply to her?) and that someday

> I'll have kids and they'll do things to intentionally hurt me and

be

> mean to me, they'll want nothing to do with me. (Hurts even worse

> because we've been trying for a year and still haven't gotten

> pregnant.) She said she " knows about the sweet litle (note mocking

> tone here) letters you've been sending to your grandparents "

(fada's

> parents). She says I'm only doing this to hurt her because I wanted

> nothing to do with my grandparents when I lived near them, and now

I

> do. Newsflash: I started sending letters back and forth with my

> grandparents right after we got married a year and a half ago, and

I

> only started standing up to nada in early August. And every time my

> grandparents came to visit, I talked to them the entire time,

instead

> of hiding in my room like my younger brother did. But he's the

angel.

> Also, I listened to nada rant and rave about how terrible my

> grandparents were since a very young age, probably 6 or 7, maybe 8,

> and when you're enmeshed, you can't see that the BP is the one with

> the problems, everyone else is (supposedly).

>

> The real clincher was when she said, " I don't know how else I'm

> supposed to feel about your husband when all you used to do was

call

> me and keep me on the phone for 2 and 3 hours at a time complaining

> about how miserable you were. " (I guess she felt she needed to say

> this because I accused her of not liking my husband, and that's

what

> made me finally stand up to her. So she's admitting that she

doesn't

> like him and, basically, that she wasn't trying to get to know him

> better and like him more, though I doubt she realizes it. I should

> also add that she used to call ME and complain to me about how she

> didn't feel good, or had another fight with my dad, is mad at my

> grandparents, ask 20 gazillion nosy questions, etc., and I never

could

> get her off the phone. One time when I wouldn't answer the phone,

she

> threatened to call the police and have them come make sure I was

okay.

> I wouldn't answer the phone because I was PAINTING the house. For

> crying out loud.) Yes, I made

> the mistake of talking to her about my husband and I's arguments

for

> the first six months or so after we got married (a year and a half

> ago), but after Thanksgiving of last year, I stopped because I

> realized she was trying to hurt my relationship with my husband.

Ever

> since then, except for a possible slip like 8 months ago, if I

> " complained " about anything, it was that I was lonely because I

have

> had a really hard time meeting people in this area. So to top

> everything off, I think she's trying to break up my marriage.

>

> After she says all this crap, she says, " You know, I don't want to

say

> anything I'll regret in a voice mail. We can't work this out if we

> can't talk. " And ends the conversation with, " I love you. "

>

> She's half crying, half yelling through all of this. I just hate

her.

> I said this morning I want her to go away, well now, I am done. She

> just told me that she doesn't like my husband and doesn't see how

> she's supposed to, doesn't see a reason to. Well, fine.

>

> She says that if we want her and my dad to leave us alone, we just

> need to tell them. But we have to tell them, or they won't leave us

> alone. That's what she SAID. Can you believe it?

>

> Please help me. If I was within physical distance right now, I

think

> I'd shake her.

>

November 26, 2007

You've got to be ready for it, but here's a " script " that could

work, too:

You dial her up to let her know you don't want her to call anymore...

Her: " Hello? "

You: " Hey mom, just calling to let you know I don't want you to

call and certainly don't want 5 minute messages left on my phone... "

Her (launching into the script she wants b/c she's got you on the

phone, finally!!!): " Well, I don't know what's so hard about you

calling me every once in awhile. I might have cancer you know....

(still talking......) blah, blah, blah... "

You (interrupting her): " So, you said you wanted me to call and let

you know I don't want you to call anymore -- and certainly not to

leave these long messages anymore. So, here's the notice you asked

for....And according to what you said, you won't call if I ask you

not to. So, just doing like you asked. Thanks, Bye "

CLICK

Even if she's still talking, don't let her bring up another subject -

- the subject of your call is the " notice " she asked for. Keep it

on the subject, then hang up -- yes, even if she's still talking.

If that pisses her off enough to get her to harrass you by

telephone, consider changing your number.

-Kyla

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > Sorry to post on here so much today, it just seems like the

demon

> in

> > my mother has been unleashed and is showing no mercy. I thought

if

> she

> > was faced with the possibility of cancer, she might improve.

WRONG!

> > Things have gotten so much worse...

> >

> > Nada called again this morning, and I didn't answer. A couple of

> > minutes went by and no beeping to signify a voice mail, so I

> figured

> > there wasn't one. Wrong again! It was a FIVE minute message, and

so

> > terribly harsh, I feel like I never even knew her. But it was so

> > familiar, that I know that it's the same nada it's always been.

> >

> > She said several terrible things, but here's the gist of it:

She's

> > very hurt I haven't called, she still doesn't know the test

> results,

> > why can't I put things aside while she's having such a hard

time?

> She

> > wanted me to know that there are consequences for my actions (but

> > apparently she thinks this doesn't apply to her?) and that

someday

> > I'll have kids and they'll do things to intentionally hurt me

and

> be

> > mean to me, they'll want nothing to do with me. (Hurts even worse

> > because we've been trying for a year and still haven't gotten

> > pregnant.) She said she " knows about the sweet litle (note

mocking

> > tone here) letters you've been sending to your grandparents "

> (fada's

> > parents). She says I'm only doing this to hurt her because I

wanted

> > nothing to do with my grandparents when I lived near them, and

now

> I

> > do. Newsflash: I started sending letters back and forth with my

> > grandparents right after we got married a year and a half ago,

and

> I

> > only started standing up to nada in early August. And every time

my

> > grandparents came to visit, I talked to them the entire time,

> instead

> > of hiding in my room like my younger brother did. But he's the

> angel.

> > Also, I listened to nada rant and rave about how terrible my

> > grandparents were since a very young age, probably 6 or 7, maybe

8,

> > and when you're enmeshed, you can't see that the BP is the one

with

> > the problems, everyone else is (supposedly).

> >

> > The real clincher was when she said, " I don't know how else I'm

> > supposed to feel about your husband when all you used to do was

> call

> > me and keep me on the phone for 2 and 3 hours at a time

complaining

> > about how miserable you were. " (I guess she felt she needed to

say

> > this because I accused her of not liking my husband, and that's

> what

> > made me finally stand up to her. So she's admitting that she

> doesn't

> > like him and, basically, that she wasn't trying to get to know

him

> > better and like him more, though I doubt she realizes it. I

should

> > also add that she used to call ME and complain to me about how

she

> > didn't feel good, or had another fight with my dad, is mad at my

> > grandparents, ask 20 gazillion nosy questions, etc., and I never

> could

> > get her off the phone. One time when I wouldn't answer the

phone,

> she

> > threatened to call the police and have them come make sure I was

> okay.

> > I wouldn't answer the phone because I was PAINTING the house. For

> > crying out loud.) Yes, I made

> > the mistake of talking to her about my husband and I's arguments

> for

> > the first six months or so after we got married (a year and a

half

> > ago), but after Thanksgiving of last year, I stopped because I

> > realized she was trying to hurt my relationship with my husband.

> Ever

> > since then, except for a possible slip like 8 months ago, if I

> > " complained " about anything, it was that I was lonely because I

> have

> > had a really hard time meeting people in this area. So to top

> > everything off, I think she's trying to break up my marriage.

> >

> > After she says all this crap, she says, " You know, I don't want

to

> say

> > anything I'll regret in a voice mail. We can't work this out if

we

> > can't talk. " And ends the conversation with, " I love you. "

> >

> > She's half crying, half yelling through all of this. I just hate

> her.

> > I said this morning I want her to go away, well now, I am done.

She

> > just told me that she doesn't like my husband and doesn't see how

> > she's supposed to, doesn't see a reason to. Well, fine.

> >

> > She says that if we want her and my dad to leave us alone, we

just

> > need to tell them. But we have to tell them, or they won't leave

us

> > alone. That's what she SAID. Can you believe it?

> >

> > Please help me. If I was within physical distance right now, I

> think

> > I'd shake her.

> >

>

November 26, 2007

Kyla,

Thanks so much for your encouraging words. They remind me that I'm not crazy,

that there really is something wrong with her. A big something! I thought about

deleting the message without listening, but I actually am glad I listened to

this one. I needed to actually hear her say that she doesn't like my husband.

We've suspected it all along, confronted her about it, and told her that her

actions don't reflect what she says, but ultimately, I needed her to just admit

it. And she did, and I guess that helps me feel better about feeling the way I

do. It helps me know even more that all of this isn't some big confusing mix-up,

like fada keeps saying. And it just showed the extent of how much she does not

care about either of us, only about herself.

I didn't think of, " You have to tell us you want nothing to do with us, " as

manipulation, but once you said that, I can totally see how it is. Thanks for

telling me. I agree- she's just trying to get me on the phone so that she can

carry on, make me feel FOGgy, and manipulate me into being " normal " again. No

thanks.

I'm contemplating sending a letter or email, a very brief and curt one, stating

that I don't wish to have contact with them anymore. I'd also like to stand up

for my husband and for my grandparents. It's not fair to either of them the way

she's treated them. I know it's not fair to me either, but she has put down all

of us and I have had it. I know that I don't owe her any explanations, and I

don't plan to. However, I have tried stating over and over again, " Make me

choose you or him, and I choose him, Mom. I'm NOT choosing you. He is my

HUSBAND. " But she still doesn't get it. And she comes back and says she's not

making me choose. I feel that if I ignore all of this, she'll just keep on, but

if I tell her I don't want anything to do with her anymore, I'm honestly afraid

she won't quit then either. And I feel a deep need to stand up for my husband.

He never did a thing to them besides marry me, and apparently, that's the

world's greatest sin. I feel a

need to stand up for my grandparents too, because I love them, and they're the

only " normal " extended family I have on my side. Nada actually threatened my

grandmother several months ago that she wouldn't let them see me because my

grandmother said something she didn't like. Like that's for her to say, and how

dare she say that to an 80-year old woman? Why not just say, " I don't appreciate

the way you're talking to me, and if you don't stop, you'll need to leave. " ?

Thanks for letting me know you've been there too. I do feel so guilty for ever

telling her a single thing, and I'm afraid she'll use every last ounce of it to

try to break my husband and I apart. That's what makes me hate her so bad. I

know it's wrong and I shouldn't hate, I'm a Christian for crying out loud, but

how dare she do that to another human being? She's so angry that honestly it's

scaring me. I'm glad we don't live close because I'm afraid of what she might

do. I was never physically abused as a child, but I remember a few times where

she was a little more forceful than was probably necessary. I think it was my

first day of high school, would have been 7 years ago now, she was running late

and I was really nervous and was trying to talk to her about something. I was

14, so maybe I was being a pain, I don't remember. All I remember is that she

grabbed me by the shoulders, pushed me up against the wall, and shook me and

screamed in my face. Then

she just walked off. No apology or anything. She sounds so angry and like she

hates me so much on the phone that I'm scared of what she'd try to do in person.

And saying that someday my kids will hurt me intentionally and be mean to me and

hurt me too, what would she do to make them hate me if she was ever allowed to

be around them? It terrifies me.

I guess I'm just terrified that now she's going to try to make my life hell, in

the parts that she hasn't already, and get to me where she can hurt me even more

deeply. I won't let her do that. And my husband knows what a crock she is, he'd

stand by me. It just hurts and scares me.

I'll try to stop blaming myself. I know that if I hadn't ever told her anything

about my husband and I's personal business, she would've found something else to

use as ammunition. I just gave her a little extra, and now I'm paying for it.

But I didn't know at the time what I was doing. At least now I know, right?

I think I may just change my phone number.

Thanks for all the encouragement and enlightenment.

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November 26, 2007

Don't be sorry ,

We are all in this same boat with you,

The final fight for me and that made me go NC was exactly what you

have written here.

My nada accused me of avoiding her phone calls and having my boys

lie to her on the phone....both which were not true....but because I

didn't call her back and because my son told her I was in the

shower, I was having them lie and was avoiding her phone calls. Ok

mom!?!?

Unlike the truth.....which was I WAS IN THE SHOWER and I forgot to

call her back because I WAS BUSY with 3 kids and all that. She

called me and told me that " you are having your kids lie to me "

and " one day your kids will lie to you and then you will see what it

feels like " ....because..... " turn around is fair play " . All this and

with the ugliest, nastiest, scariest voice ever.

What garbage.....its the same garbage she has been cramming down my

throat for years, its called FOG......fear, obligation, and guilt.

And what do you know.......it has worked!!!

That is until now.......

Sorry that you are going through this . Call her back and

tell her NO MORE CALLS MOTHER, and cut your loses, she is doing all

this for face and so she can say she " tried " .....if she was normal

she would let you work it out and hope and pray that you would come

back to her, she would also apologize......but she isn't

normal......and you and I both will never get that apology we are

warranted.

Let us know what you decide, drlingirl

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> Sorry to post on here so much today, it just seems like the demon

in

> my mother has been unleashed and is showing no mercy. I thought if

she

> was faced with the possibility of cancer, she might improve. WRONG!

> Things have gotten so much worse...

>

> Nada called again this morning, and I didn't answer. A couple of

> minutes went by and no beeping to signify a voice mail, so I

figured

> there wasn't one. Wrong again! It was a FIVE minute message, and so

> terribly harsh, I feel like I never even knew her. But it was so

> familiar, that I know that it's the same nada it's always been.

>

> She said several terrible things, but here's the gist of it: She's

> very hurt I haven't called, she still doesn't know the test

results,

> why can't I put things aside while she's having such a hard time?

She

> wanted me to know that there are consequences for my actions (but

> apparently she thinks this doesn't apply to her?) and that someday

> I'll have kids and they'll do things to intentionally hurt me and

be

> mean to me, they'll want nothing to do with me. (Hurts even worse

> because we've been trying for a year and still haven't gotten

> pregnant.) She said she " knows about the sweet litle (note mocking

> tone here) letters you've been sending to your grandparents "

(fada's

> parents). She says I'm only doing this to hurt her because I wanted

> nothing to do with my grandparents when I lived near them, and now

I

> do. Newsflash: I started sending letters back and forth with my

> grandparents right after we got married a year and a half ago, and

I

> only started standing up to nada in early August. And every time my

> grandparents came to visit, I talked to them the entire time,

instead

> of hiding in my room like my younger brother did. But he's the

angel.

> Also, I listened to nada rant and rave about how terrible my

> grandparents were since a very young age, probably 6 or 7, maybe 8,

> and when you're enmeshed, you can't see that the BP is the one with

> the problems, everyone else is (supposedly).

>

> The real clincher was when she said, " I don't know how else I'm

> supposed to feel about your husband when all you used to do was

call

> me and keep me on the phone for 2 and 3 hours at a time complaining

> about how miserable you were. " (I guess she felt she needed to say

> this because I accused her of not liking my husband, and that's

what

> made me finally stand up to her. So she's admitting that she

doesn't

> like him and, basically, that she wasn't trying to get to know him

> better and like him more, though I doubt she realizes it. I should

> also add that she used to call ME and complain to me about how she

> didn't feel good, or had another fight with my dad, is mad at my

> grandparents, ask 20 gazillion nosy questions, etc., and I never

could

> get her off the phone. One time when I wouldn't answer the phone,

she

> threatened to call the police and have them come make sure I was

okay.

> I wouldn't answer the phone because I was PAINTING the house. For

> crying out loud.) Yes, I made

> the mistake of talking to her about my husband and I's arguments

for

> the first six months or so after we got married (a year and a half

> ago), but after Thanksgiving of last year, I stopped because I

> realized she was trying to hurt my relationship with my husband.

Ever

> since then, except for a possible slip like 8 months ago, if I

> " complained " about anything, it was that I was lonely because I

have

> had a really hard time meeting people in this area. So to top

> everything off, I think she's trying to break up my marriage.

>

> After she says all this crap, she says, " You know, I don't want to

say

> anything I'll regret in a voice mail. We can't work this out if we

> can't talk. " And ends the conversation with, " I love you. "

>

> She's half crying, half yelling through all of this. I just hate

her.

> I said this morning I want her to go away, well now, I am done. She

> just told me that she doesn't like my husband and doesn't see how

> she's supposed to, doesn't see a reason to. Well, fine.

>

> She says that if we want her and my dad to leave us alone, we just

> need to tell them. But we have to tell them, or they won't leave us

> alone. That's what she SAID. Can you believe it?

>

> Please help me. If I was within physical distance right now, I

think

> I'd shake her.

>

November 26, 2007

-- you wrote:

" It helps me know even more that all of this isn't some big

confusing mix-up,like fada keeps saying. "

My fada does that, too! He kept saying " We've got to solve these

problems! " Like it's something you hash out over the dining room

table, or something. And I noticed he doesn't say ANYTHING like

that to the real source of the trouble: Nada. The REAL translation

of that is " Just shut up and get with the program, like I've always

done! "

I'm glad you listened to that message, too. If you need to, keep it

around for awhile to remind you of the woman from Oz that you're

dealing with. In the same vein, I'm actually glad my dad wrote that

nasty e-mail last week -- it FINALLY relieved the escalating

tension, and showed what REALLY lies beneath the surface. Like I've

shared here, I tend to feel sorry for him -- I'm now learning (from

that fabulous book " Leaving Home " ), that feeling sorry for him is a

defense mechanism I developed to feel that he's my ally -- when he's

not. He's HERS. But as a kid, you tell yourself things to survive.

My mom was a total shit about my husband, too -- and the boyfriends

that came before him. (They're probably STILL thanking their lucky

stars they dodged that bullet!) My husband was a prime candidate --

someone every parent would want their daughter to marry. And he's

been a great, loyal, steadfast husband for 20 years. I'm sure yours

is great, too -- especially for hanging in there with a nada like

yours!

Stand up for whomever you want -- I think that's a great idea.

Then, at a time of your choosing, clamp the communication shut. And

so she knows a few things you shared in confidence about your

husband -- just shrug your shoulders and say " Oh well. Live and

learn. " Forgive yourself.

Oh, and the first day of high school -- shoving you against the wall

and screaming at you? Yes -- she's definitely not mentally stable.

I guess, in hindsight, I was lucky: My mother never dragged her

lazy butt out of bed to be with us in the morning. I still remember

getting ready in the stillness of the morning. I had been doing

that for years. How nice it would have been to have a " normal "

mother who cared about sending me into the world with a warm, full

belly and kind words.

Anyway -- your post sounds like you're coming around. Your pistons

are firing again, and you're making action plans. We knew you

would -- Good for you!

Love,

Kyla

>

> Kyla,

>

> Thanks so much for your encouraging words. They remind me that I'm

not crazy, that there really is something wrong with her. A big

something! I thought about deleting the message without listening,

but I actually am glad I listened to this one. I needed to actually

hear her say that she doesn't like my husband. We've suspected it

all along, confronted her about it, and told her that her actions

don't reflect what she says, but ultimately, I needed her to just

admit it. And she did, and I guess that helps me feel better about

feeling the way I do. It helps me know even more that all of this

isn't some big confusing mix-up, like fada keeps saying. And it just

showed the extent of how much she does not care about either of us,

only about herself.

>

> I didn't think of, " You have to tell us you want nothing to do

with us, " as manipulation, but once you said that, I can totally see

how it is. Thanks for telling me. I agree- she's just trying to get

me on the phone so that she can carry on, make me feel FOGgy, and

manipulate me into being " normal " again. No thanks.

>

> I'm contemplating sending a letter or email, a very brief and curt

one, stating that I don't wish to have contact with them anymore.

I'd also like to stand up for my husband and for my grandparents.

It's not fair to either of them the way she's treated them. I know

it's not fair to me either, but she has put down all of us and I

have had it. I know that I don't owe her any explanations, and I

don't plan to. However, I have tried stating over and over

again, " Make me choose you or him, and I choose him, Mom. I'm NOT

choosing you. He is my HUSBAND. " But she still doesn't get it. And

she comes back and says she's not making me choose. I feel that if I

ignore all of this, she'll just keep on, but if I tell her I don't

want anything to do with her anymore, I'm honestly afraid she won't

quit then either. And I feel a deep need to stand up for my husband.

He never did a thing to them besides marry me, and apparently,

that's the world's greatest sin. I feel a

> need to stand up for my grandparents too, because I love them,

and they're the only " normal " extended family I have on my side.

Nada actually threatened my grandmother several months ago that she

wouldn't let them see me because my grandmother said something she

didn't like. Like that's for her to say, and how dare she say that

to an 80-year old woman? Why not just say, " I don't appreciate the

way you're talking to me, and if you don't stop, you'll need to

leave. " ?

>

> Thanks for letting me know you've been there too. I do feel so

guilty for ever telling her a single thing, and I'm afraid she'll

use every last ounce of it to try to break my husband and I apart.

That's what makes me hate her so bad. I know it's wrong and I

shouldn't hate, I'm a Christian for crying out loud, but how dare

she do that to another human being? She's so angry that honestly

it's scaring me. I'm glad we don't live close because I'm afraid of

what she might do. I was never physically abused as a child, but I

remember a few times where she was a little more forceful than was

probably necessary. I think it was my first day of high school,

would have been 7 years ago now, she was running late and I was

really nervous and was trying to talk to her about something. I was

14, so maybe I was being a pain, I don't remember. All I remember is

that she grabbed me by the shoulders, pushed me up against the wall,

and shook me and screamed in my face. Then

> she just walked off. No apology or anything. She sounds so angry

and like she hates me so much on the phone that I'm scared of what

she'd try to do in person. And saying that someday my kids will hurt

me intentionally and be mean to me and hurt me too, what would she

do to make them hate me if she was ever allowed to be around them?

It terrifies me.

>

> I guess I'm just terrified that now she's going to try to make my

life hell, in the parts that she hasn't already, and get to me where

she can hurt me even more deeply. I won't let her do that. And my

husband knows what a crock she is, he'd stand by me. It just hurts

and scares me.

>

> I'll try to stop blaming myself. I know that if I hadn't ever told

her anything about my husband and I's personal business, she

would've found something else to use as ammunition. I just gave her

a little extra, and now I'm paying for it. But I didn't know at the

time what I was doing. At least now I know, right?

>

> I think I may just change my phone number.

>

> Thanks for all the encouragement and enlightenment.

>

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November 26, 2007

Thank you, thank you, thank you Kyla! That's all I can say. I'm so fuming mad -

thanks for reminding me that's a GOOD thing. I needed to hear that.