Re: Need Someone to Understand

May 26, 2008

happy2bmomincali --

Welcome to our little lifeboat! So glad to see another person

awakening from the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that keeps us from

getting our lives back in order.

Sounds like you're putting it all together and it makes sense. My

mom is a Waif/Hermit. Still married to my dad, but LIVES for

attention. Loves drama, too. Isn't interested in my life and

family enough to expend any effort our way. She just sits in her

garage and smokes (can't smoke in the house), and laments what a

victim she is. Thinks I'm awful for finally calling bullshit on her

yo-yo tendencies with me. (We'd make plans then she'd assign my dad

the task of letting me know she wouldn't be there -- even though she

was in the same house and could have called herself.)

You've done a lot of good work on your family dynamic, and I hope it

helps you get on with your own life. In my case, I can definitely

tell that in the areas where my selfish parents fell short, it gives

me great pleasure and healing to make sure my kids have the

nurturing and attention that I didn't get.

And I am sorry that this therapist of your friend's boiled

everything down to the maniac in Fatal Attraction. Obviously, this

therapist over-generalized and blew that call. It happens.

Sometimes the people that I think would understand the most either

call it wrong, or get a glazed, disinterested look as I go into

detail. Everybody just isn't interested in all the same things we

are -- it happens. People go through life their own way. You have

found support here. And I've found plenty of people going through

the same things with their families, and I bond with them quite

quickly. You will find them, too.

Again -- welcome!

-Kyla

>

> I'm so happy to have found you all! I just finished

> reading " Understanding the Borderline Mother (UBM), " and I'm

amazed

> at the revelations I've had. A couple months ago, I would have

said

> that my mom had tendencies toward anxiety, depression,

> impulsiveness, additive behavior, and compulsive lying . . .

today,

> I call her borderline. I'm finally writing because I feel like I

> have no one to talk with about my mom and my upbringing. I talked

> to a friend about my mom, and she talked with her therapist, and

her

> therapist told her that an example of someone with BPD is the

woman

> in the movie Fatal Attraction. I guess it made me feel

invalidated;

> I'm starting to feel like no one understands what I'm going

through.

>

> My older half brother recently told me some very shocking things

> about my mom, shocking enough for me to see a therapist about it.

> After one session, she told me that my mom has BPD and possibly

> histrionic personality disorder, which is why I decided to read a

> few books. From what I've read, she is a classic Waif type, with

> some hermit tendencies. I have had a lot of anger toward my mom

for

> many, many years, but I never knew exactly why: I knew I didn't

> respect her; I knew she lied; I knew she made me feel guilty. I

> just never put it all together until I read about BPD. The abuse

> (and I hesitate to call it that) wasn't as obvious as most I have

> read about. I was the " all good " child. As a matter of fact, I

> always thought my dysfunctional family was caused by my troubled,

> disobedient younger brother and my alcoholic father.

>

> My dad died when I was in high school and my younger brother

> committed suicide when I was away at graduate school. Reading

about

> the " no good " child in UBM and the typical scapegoat in alcoholic

> families makes me cringe. Everyone in my family said that my

> brother was never quite right—-chemically imbalanced-—but now I

> wonder if that is the whole story. Being the parent and amateur

> psychologist (ha!) of our family, I had diagnosed him with

> antisocial personality disorder. For the last few years of his

> life, he would not leave the house and had severe body image

issues

> (agoraphobia and body dysmorphic disorder, though not formally

> diagnosed). I wonder now if my mom somehow helped create those

> problems to keep him at home with her. She seemed to be in

complete

> denial about the severity of his problems.

>

> After my dad died, my mom became quite depressed, so I became the

> adult in many ways. I was the only one with a driver's license,

so

> I went grocery shopping, drove my mom and brother places, etc. I

> ended up staying at home with her when I attended college, mostly

> out of guilt, I think. I remember her major guilt trips my whole

> life, but they became really severe after my dad died. She'd cry

if

> I wanted to go anywhere. I did end up moving several hundred

miles

> away after getting my bachelor's degree, but the guilt was almost

> unbearable.

>

> I have much older half brothers from my mom's first marriage to an

> abusive alcoholic. She has a tendency to attract alcoholics (very

> similar to the Waif described in UBM). My dad came next, and

about

> 10 years after he died, she found a horrible guy online—-20 years

> her junior and a full-fledged drooling alcoholic with liver

damage.

> Prior to her relationship with him, she would call me every day,

> sometimes several times a day. After he moved in, she stopped

> calling me and hardly took my calls. She was completely absorbed

> with their relationship, and I finally understood how my older

half

> brothers felt when she met my dad. I think she abandoned the

oldest

> two, who were in their mid teens at the time. Needless to say,

they

> don't communicate with her now.

>

> Her current SO is a classic NPD. Her relationship with this man

> has made me realize even more how she has no identity of her own.

> She literally changes herself to be like the person she's with.

> It's quite sad.

>

> She seems to need major turmoil in her life to feel complete or to

> fill her void. She creates these unhealthy, dramatic, violent

> relationships with men, and she forgets that her children exist,

> unless it's to make us feel guilty when we decide to interact with

> her. When I bring up anything that makes her feel uncomfortable,

> her hand gets tired or numb from holding the phone

> for five minutes and she has to hang up on me. I've read about

> object constancy as it relates to BPD, and that seems to fit my

> mom. I have lived far away for a long time, and it's like I

hardly

> exist in her mind anymore. I call her a couple times a week, but

> she almost never calls me. Odd.

>

> My mom is so messed up right now. Her behavior is very strange

and

> manipulative, and I'm not sure how to handle it. She is

> establishing relationships online, making promises, telling lies,

> while at the same time reading the Bible and watching Christian

> programs with her SO. She doesn't know I know about her double

> life, but my older brother talked to her about it a while ago,

after

> one of her " victims " called him, and my mom basically said she'd

> stop and offered my brother a bribe to keep him from telling her

> SO. She didn't stop, from what we've learned. I think she has

> redirected her need for attachment and her fears of abandonment

onto

> these online relationships. Whatever it is, it is very strange

and

> disturbing to me.

>

> I could go on and on about my crazy family. I just want to make

> sure I don't make the same mistakes with my wonderful children. I

> know my mom had a very rough childhood, to say the least. She was

> physically abandoned by both of her parents when she was nine, but

I

> think they were never really emotionally present for her. I have

so

> many memories coming back to me that it is hard to process it

all.

> I am really thinking that I need to go to therapy to get a better

> understanding of my childhood and how I can become a better

person.

>

> Thanks for reading all that! It feels good to let it all out.

>

May 26, 2008

Thank you so much for responding, Kyla. It is so reassuring to hear

other people have had similar experiences--it helps validate my own

experience. You mom does sound similar to mine. My mom hardly

leaves the house, and she used to be a chain smoker before she

acquired emphysema many years ago. I often feel so guilty having

these feelings and realizations about her, because I know she won't

be around much longer, and because I almost always experience guilt

when it comes to her. That is something I'm slowly getting

through. Thanks again for your thoughtful reply!

Kim

> >

> > I'm so happy to have found you all! I just finished

> > reading " Understanding the Borderline Mother (UBM), " and I'm

> amazed

> > at the revelations I've had. A couple months ago, I would have

> said

> > that my mom had tendencies toward anxiety, depression,

> > impulsiveness, additive behavior, and compulsive lying . . .

> today,

> > I call her borderline. I'm finally writing because I feel like

I

> > have no one to talk with about my mom and my upbringing. I

talked

> > to a friend about my mom, and she talked with her therapist, and

> her

> > therapist told her that an example of someone with BPD is the

> woman

> > in the movie Fatal Attraction. I guess it made me feel

> invalidated;

> > I'm starting to feel like no one understands what I'm going

> through.

> >

> > My older half brother recently told me some very shocking things

> > about my mom, shocking enough for me to see a therapist about

it.

> > After one session, she told me that my mom has BPD and possibly

> > histrionic personality disorder, which is why I decided to read

a

> > few books. From what I've read, she is a classic Waif type,

with

> > some hermit tendencies. I have had a lot of anger toward my mom

> for

> > many, many years, but I never knew exactly why: I knew I didn't

> > respect her; I knew she lied; I knew she made me feel guilty. I

> > just never put it all together until I read about BPD. The

abuse

> > (and I hesitate to call it that) wasn't as obvious as most I

have

> > read about. I was the " all good " child. As a matter of fact, I

> > always thought my dysfunctional family was caused by my

troubled,

> > disobedient younger brother and my alcoholic father.

> >

> > My dad died when I was in high school and my younger brother

> > committed suicide when I was away at graduate school. Reading

> about

> > the " no good " child in UBM and the typical scapegoat in

alcoholic

> > families makes me cringe. Everyone in my family said that my

> > brother was never quite right—-chemically imbalanced-—but now I

> > wonder if that is the whole story. Being the parent and amateur

> > psychologist (ha!) of our family, I had diagnosed him with

> > antisocial personality disorder. For the last few years of his

> > life, he would not leave the house and had severe body image

> issues

> > (agoraphobia and body dysmorphic disorder, though not formally

> > diagnosed). I wonder now if my mom somehow helped create those

> > problems to keep him at home with her. She seemed to be in

> complete

> > denial about the severity of his problems.

> >

> > After my dad died, my mom became quite depressed, so I became

the

> > adult in many ways. I was the only one with a driver's license,

> so

> > I went grocery shopping, drove my mom and brother places, etc.

I

> > ended up staying at home with her when I attended college,

mostly

> > out of guilt, I think. I remember her major guilt trips my

whole

> > life, but they became really severe after my dad died. She'd

cry

> if

> > I wanted to go anywhere. I did end up moving several hundred

> miles

> > away after getting my bachelor's degree, but the guilt was

almost

> > unbearable.

> >

> > I have much older half brothers from my mom's first marriage to

an

> > abusive alcoholic. She has a tendency to attract alcoholics

(very

> > similar to the Waif described in UBM). My dad came next, and

> about

> > 10 years after he died, she found a horrible guy online—-20

years

> > her junior and a full-fledged drooling alcoholic with liver

> damage.

> > Prior to her relationship with him, she would call me every day,

> > sometimes several times a day. After he moved in, she stopped

> > calling me and hardly took my calls. She was completely

absorbed

> > with their relationship, and I finally understood how my older

> half

> > brothers felt when she met my dad. I think she abandoned the

> oldest

> > two, who were in their mid teens at the time. Needless to say,

> they

> > don't communicate with her now.

> >

> > Her current SO is a classic NPD. Her relationship with this man

> > has made me realize even more how she has no identity of her

own.

> > She literally changes herself to be like the person she's with.

> > It's quite sad.

> >

> > She seems to need major turmoil in her life to feel complete or

to

> > fill her void. She creates these unhealthy, dramatic, violent

> > relationships with men, and she forgets that her children exist,

> > unless it's to make us feel guilty when we decide to interact

with

> > her. When I bring up anything that makes her feel

uncomfortable,

> > her hand gets tired or numb from holding the phone

> > for five minutes and she has to hang up on me. I've read about

> > object constancy as it relates to BPD, and that seems to fit my

> > mom. I have lived far away for a long time, and it's like I

> hardly

> > exist in her mind anymore. I call her a couple times a week,

but

> > she almost never calls me. Odd.

> >

> > My mom is so messed up right now. Her behavior is very strange

> and

> > manipulative, and I'm not sure how to handle it. She is

> > establishing relationships online, making promises, telling

lies,

> > while at the same time reading the Bible and watching Christian

> > programs with her SO. She doesn't know I know about her double

> > life, but my older brother talked to her about it a while ago,

> after

> > one of her " victims " called him, and my mom basically said she'd

> > stop and offered my brother a bribe to keep him from telling her

> > SO. She didn't stop, from what we've learned. I think she has

> > redirected her need for attachment and her fears of abandonment

> onto

> > these online relationships. Whatever it is, it is very strange

> and

> > disturbing to me.

> >

> > I could go on and on about my crazy family. I just want to make

> > sure I don't make the same mistakes with my wonderful children.

I

> > know my mom had a very rough childhood, to say the least. She

was

> > physically abandoned by both of her parents when she was nine,

but

> I

> > think they were never really emotionally present for her. I

have

> so

> > many memories coming back to me that it is hard to process it

> all.

> > I am really thinking that I need to go to therapy to get a

better

> > understanding of my childhood and how I can become a better

> person.

> >

> > Thanks for reading all that! It feels good to let it all out.

> >

>

May 27, 2008

>

> I'm so happy to have found you all! I just finished

> reading " Understanding the Borderline Mother (UBM), " and I'm amazed

> at the revelations I've had. A couple months ago, I would have

said

> that my mom had tendencies toward anxiety, depression,

> impulsiveness, additive behavior, and compulsive lying . . . today,

> I call her borderline. I'm finally writing because I feel like I

> have no one to talk with about my mom and my upbringing. I talked

> to a friend about my mom, and she talked with her therapist, and

her

> therapist told her that an example of someone with BPD is the woman

> in the movie Fatal Attraction. I guess it made me feel

invalidated;

> I'm starting to feel like no one understands what I'm going through.

>

> My older half brother recently told me some very shocking things

> about my mom, shocking enough for me to see a therapist about it.

> After one session, she told me that my mom has BPD and possibly

> histrionic personality disorder, which is why I decided to read a

> few books. From what I've read, she is a classic Waif type, with

> some hermit tendencies. I have had a lot of anger toward my mom

for

> many, many years, but I never knew exactly why: I knew I didn't

> respect her; I knew she lied; I knew she made me feel guilty. I

> just never put it all together until I read about BPD. The abuse

> (and I hesitate to call it that) wasn't as obvious as most I have

> read about. I was the " all good " child. As a matter of fact, I

> always thought my dysfunctional family was caused by my troubled,

> disobedient younger brother and my alcoholic father.

>

> My dad died when I was in high school and my younger brother

> committed suicide when I was away at graduate school. Reading

about

> the " no good " child in UBM and the typical scapegoat in alcoholic

> families makes me cringe. Everyone in my family said that my

> brother was never quite right—-chemically imbalanced-—but now I

> wonder if that is the whole story. Being the parent and amateur

> psychologist (ha!) of our family, I had diagnosed him with

> antisocial personality disorder. For the last few years of his

> life, he would not leave the house and had severe body image issues

> (agoraphobia and body dysmorphic disorder, though not formally

> diagnosed). I wonder now if my mom somehow helped create those

> problems to keep him at home with her. She seemed to be in

complete

> denial about the severity of his problems.

>

> After my dad died, my mom became quite depressed, so I became the

> adult in many ways. I was the only one with a driver's license, so

> I went grocery shopping, drove my mom and brother places, etc. I

> ended up staying at home with her when I attended college, mostly

> out of guilt, I think. I remember her major guilt trips my whole

> life, but they became really severe after my dad died. She'd cry

if

> I wanted to go anywhere. I did end up moving several hundred miles

> away after getting my bachelor's degree, but the guilt was almost

> unbearable.

>

> I have much older half brothers from my mom's first marriage to an

> abusive alcoholic. She has a tendency to attract alcoholics (very

> similar to the Waif described in UBM). My dad came next, and about

> 10 years after he died, she found a horrible guy online—-20 years

> her junior and a full-fledged drooling alcoholic with liver

damage.

> Prior to her relationship with him, she would call me every day,

> sometimes several times a day. After he moved in, she stopped

> calling me and hardly took my calls. She was completely absorbed

> with their relationship, and I finally understood how my older half

> brothers felt when she met my dad. I think she abandoned the

oldest

> two, who were in their mid teens at the time. Needless to say,

they

> don't communicate with her now.

>

> Her current SO is a classic NPD. Her relationship with this man

> has made me realize even more how she has no identity of her own.

> She literally changes herself to be like the person she's with.

> It's quite sad.

>

> She seems to need major turmoil in her life to feel complete or to

> fill her void. She creates these unhealthy, dramatic, violent

> relationships with men, and she forgets that her children exist,

> unless it's to make us feel guilty when we decide to interact with

> her. When I bring up anything that makes her feel uncomfortable,

> her hand gets tired or numb from holding the phone

> for five minutes and she has to hang up on me. I've read about

> object constancy as it relates to BPD, and that seems to fit my

> mom. I have lived far away for a long time, and it's like I hardly

> exist in her mind anymore. I call her a couple times a week, but

> she almost never calls me. Odd.

>

> My mom is so messed up right now. Her behavior is very strange and

> manipulative, and I'm not sure how to handle it. She is

> establishing relationships online, making promises, telling lies,

> while at the same time reading the Bible and watching Christian

> programs with her SO. She doesn't know I know about her double

> life, but my older brother talked to her about it a while ago,

after

> one of her " victims " called him, and my mom basically said she'd

> stop and offered my brother a bribe to keep him from telling her

> SO. She didn't stop, from what we've learned. I think she has

> redirected her need for attachment and her fears of abandonment

onto

> these online relationships. Whatever it is, it is very strange and

> disturbing to me.

>

> I could go on and on about my crazy family. I just want to make

> sure I don't make the same mistakes with my wonderful children. I

> know my mom had a very rough childhood, to say the least. She was

> physically abandoned by both of her parents when she was nine, but

I

> think they were never really emotionally present for her. I have

so

> many memories coming back to me that it is hard to process it all.

> I am really thinking that I need to go to therapy to get a better

> understanding of my childhood and how I can become a better

person.

>

> Thanks for reading all that! It feels good to let it all out.

>

This group is a blessing....I'm new to the group,but found it just in

time...anyway...you have been thru so much...what touches me about

you is your concern for YOUR kids....I regret every minute my BPD

mother spent with my 3 boys,but that was then and this is now...I

have worked so very hard in therapy..unfortunately it took my oldest

son's death in 1997 to get my full undivided attention towards my own

mental health...I went to grief counselling first then joined a

suicide survivor group that led me to find survivor of incest

survivor group,and on and on....but I was determined to not allow my

son's death be in vain...and my sons who were 15 and 9 at the time

needed me so much,and I saw my mom getting her claws into them in

my " absence " ...and that fueled my desire to get my head together

ASAP...she blamed me for my sons death and told me I would not kill

my other 2...she promised me that....ugh....she damaged my middle

son....despite my protests,by age 18 I had no say over my son seeing

her..she gave him money hand over fist and of course his self esteem

was part of the price he paid...he's 26 now and lives 1000 miles

away..I miss him but am so proud of him finally running far from her

bad influence...my youngest now 20 is aware of her being off the

air...keep your children safe from the pain that they would otherwise

experience...I have 3 half brothers...one 2 years younger than me has

little contact with her but NEVER permitted her to know his 2

daughters(both now in college),one is 4 years younger and he ditched

the whole family after my mom called his boss saying he was

suicidal..that was in 1997 after my son's funeral....he has a lawyer

who will enforce a restraining order against my mom if she even

attempts to contact him or anyone who knows him... my youngest half-

brother is 12 years younger than me and has 2 children ages 2 and

5...she can see them only at their home for short amounts of time,but

they are always right there and she has been warned no cussing,no

inappropriate comments...or no further visits. I wish I knew then

what I now know...but can't change the past,so I've made a sort of

peace with that...I call it stinkin thinkin....anyway,hang in there...

May 27, 2008

Yes, it is such a relief to have a label for my mom and some

validation. I'm looking forward to the possibility of starting

therapy to work on my own issues.

And like you said, it's scary how this online world lets its users

become anything they want to be. I don't know all the details about

my mom's behavior, but what I do know worries me. I know talking

with her won't help or change her.

Thanks for writing.

>

> Thanks for sharing that so much, I'm sorry that you have had so

many

> losses. I hope this will be the beginning of some healing for you

> now that you have a label to affix to her behavior so that it

> doesn't feel so crazy-making and you don't get swept up into it.

> It's hard for me to see myself getting better and realize that

while

> I'm happy about that I have to accept that the other party is not

> going to get better, no matter what. It is so healing just to come

> here and post that initial post in which you just let it all out,

> like you said, and there are people that understand. I am really

> sorry to hear about your brother; I have been on the brink of

> suicide several times in my life from being the 'painted black'

> child, and when I read that it made me wonder just how many

children

> of bpd parents have fallen victim, fatally, to this disease. You

> will find alot of empathy and support here.

>

> It was interesting what you said about your mom's online behavior,

I

> have found (the hard way) that the internet is absolutely swarming

> with people who have one disorder or another, as it is mitigating

> somehow for them to have 'companionship' without seeking valid

> intervention for their problems. I am extremely careful about what

I

> take in via the internet now, because of several 'friends' I met

on

> a political site a couple years ago that all turned out to be some

> flavor of borderline/narcissist in the end. I think the internet

is

> a perfect haven for people like this who are good at fooling

others

> and have no conscience to impede them from doing so, so it doesn't

> surprise me that someone here has a bpd that is doing that, it's

> probably alot more common than people think. That is something

that

> my own fada, who is the bpd in my family, did as well, a few years

> ago, and my mom put it to him that he'd either give up the

computer

> or give up her, so he isn't allowed online anymore.

>

May 28, 2008

Mayalisa728,

I forgot to mention how I'm so sorry that you have dealt with

recurrent thoughts of suicide. My whole revelation about my BPD mom

has made me wonder so much about mental illness and suicide. I,

too, wonder how many adult children of BPD commit suicide; I bet

it's more than we could imagine. I'm glad you are finding support

here, too.

It is interesting for me to hear about your fada using the internet

similar to the way my mom does. I have been trying so hard to think

of a way to find people who have been through my family has been

through, so it is such a relief to hear your story and everyone

else's stories. Of course, I'm not happy you had to go through any

of the pain, but I am relieved to learn that I'm not the only one,

if that makes sense.

>

> Thanks for sharing that so much, I'm sorry that you have had so

many

> losses. I hope this will be the beginning of some healing for you

> now that you have a label to affix to her behavior so that it

> doesn't feel so crazy-making and you don't get swept up into it.

> It's hard for me to see myself getting better and realize that

while

> I'm happy about that I have to accept that the other party is not

> going to get better, no matter what. It is so healing just to come

> here and post that initial post in which you just let it all out,

> like you said, and there are people that understand. I am really

> sorry to hear about your brother; I have been on the brink of

> suicide several times in my life from being the 'painted black'

> child, and when I read that it made me wonder just how many

children

> of bpd parents have fallen victim, fatally, to this disease. You

> will find alot of empathy and support here.

>

> It was interesting what you said about your mom's online behavior,

I

> have found (the hard way) that the internet is absolutely swarming

> with people who have one disorder or another, as it is mitigating

> somehow for them to have 'companionship' without seeking valid

> intervention for their problems. I am extremely careful about what

I

> take in via the internet now, because of several 'friends' I met

on

> a political site a couple years ago that all turned out to be some

> flavor of borderline/narcissist in the end. I think the internet

is

> a perfect haven for people like this who are good at fooling

others

> and have no conscience to impede them from doing so, so it doesn't

> surprise me that someone here has a bpd that is doing that, it's

> probably alot more common than people think. That is something

that

> my own fada, who is the bpd in my family, did as well, a few years

> ago, and my mom put it to him that he'd either give up the

computer

> or give up her, so he isn't allowed online anymore.

>

May 28, 2008

unbrokenfaith49--

Thank you so much for writing and sharing your story with me. I'm

so sorry about your son, and that was just awful for your mom to

blame it on you. It sounds like you are doing all the right things

to make a better life for you and your children. You sound very

proud of them! You have been through so much; I hope you can be

proud of yourself, too. Your whole family seems to have figured out

your mother's ways, and self-preservation is keeping them far, far

away.

My brother played the role of scapegoat in our family, which has a

higher-than-average incidence of suicide attached to it. I still

don't blame my mom for it. I'm just starting to put the pieces

together to understand the dynamics of my unique dysfunctional

family. This stuff can be so complicated, I guess. The BPD label

definitely makes it easier to understand.

Thank you again for replying.

> >

> > I'm so happy to have found you all! I just finished

> > reading " Understanding the Borderline Mother (UBM), " and I'm

amazed

> > at the revelations I've had. A couple months ago, I would have

> said

> > that my mom had tendencies toward anxiety, depression,

> > impulsiveness, additive behavior, and compulsive lying . . .

today,

> > I call her borderline. I'm finally writing because I feel like

I

> > have no one to talk with about my mom and my upbringing. I

talked

> > to a friend about my mom, and she talked with her therapist, and

> her

> > therapist told her that an example of someone with BPD is the

woman

> > in the movie Fatal Attraction. I guess it made me feel

> invalidated;

> > I'm starting to feel like no one understands what I'm going

through.

> >

> > My older half brother recently told me some very shocking things

> > about my mom, shocking enough for me to see a therapist about

it.

> > After one session, she told me that my mom has BPD and possibly

> > histrionic personality disorder, which is why I decided to read

a

> > few books. From what I've read, she is a classic Waif type,

with

> > some hermit tendencies. I have had a lot of anger toward my mom

> for

> > many, many years, but I never knew exactly why: I knew I didn't

> > respect her; I knew she lied; I knew she made me feel guilty. I

> > just never put it all together until I read about BPD. The

abuse

> > (and I hesitate to call it that) wasn't as obvious as most I

have

> > read about. I was the " all good " child. As a matter of fact, I

> > always thought my dysfunctional family was caused by my

troubled,

> > disobedient younger brother and my alcoholic father.

> >

> > My dad died when I was in high school and my younger brother

> > committed suicide when I was away at graduate school. Reading

> about

> > the " no good " child in UBM and the typical scapegoat in

alcoholic

> > families makes me cringe. Everyone in my family said that my

> > brother was never quite right—-chemically imbalanced-—but now I

> > wonder if that is the whole story. Being the parent and amateur

> > psychologist (ha!) of our family, I had diagnosed him with

> > antisocial personality disorder. For the last few years of his

> > life, he would not leave the house and had severe body image

issues

> > (agoraphobia and body dysmorphic disorder, though not formally

> > diagnosed). I wonder now if my mom somehow helped create those

> > problems to keep him at home with her. She seemed to be in

> complete

> > denial about the severity of his problems.

> >

> > After my dad died, my mom became quite depressed, so I became

the

> > adult in many ways. I was the only one with a driver's license,

so

> > I went grocery shopping, drove my mom and brother places, etc.

I

> > ended up staying at home with her when I attended college,

mostly

> > out of guilt, I think. I remember her major guilt trips my

whole

> > life, but they became really severe after my dad died. She'd

cry

> if

> > I wanted to go anywhere. I did end up moving several hundred

miles

> > away after getting my bachelor's degree, but the guilt was

almost

> > unbearable.

> >

> > I have much older half brothers from my mom's first marriage to

an

> > abusive alcoholic. She has a tendency to attract alcoholics

(very

> > similar to the Waif described in UBM). My dad came next, and

about

> > 10 years after he died, she found a horrible guy online—-20

years

> > her junior and a full-fledged drooling alcoholic with liver

> damage.

> > Prior to her relationship with him, she would call me every day,

> > sometimes several times a day. After he moved in, she stopped

> > calling me and hardly took my calls. She was completely

absorbed

> > with their relationship, and I finally understood how my older

half

> > brothers felt when she met my dad. I think she abandoned the

> oldest

> > two, who were in their mid teens at the time. Needless to say,

> they

> > don't communicate with her now.

> >

> > Her current SO is a classic NPD. Her relationship with this man

> > has made me realize even more how she has no identity of her

own.

> > She literally changes herself to be like the person she's with.

> > It's quite sad.

> >

> > She seems to need major turmoil in her life to feel complete or

to

> > fill her void. She creates these unhealthy, dramatic, violent

> > relationships with men, and she forgets that her children exist,

> > unless it's to make us feel guilty when we decide to interact

with

> > her. When I bring up anything that makes her feel

uncomfortable,

> > her hand gets tired or numb from holding the phone

> > for five minutes and she has to hang up on me. I've read about

> > object constancy as it relates to BPD, and that seems to fit my

> > mom. I have lived far away for a long time, and it's like I

hardly

> > exist in her mind anymore. I call her a couple times a week,

but

> > she almost never calls me. Odd.

> >

> > My mom is so messed up right now. Her behavior is very strange

and

> > manipulative, and I'm not sure how to handle it. She is

> > establishing relationships online, making promises, telling

lies,

> > while at the same time reading the Bible and watching Christian

> > programs with her SO. She doesn't know I know about her double

> > life, but my older brother talked to her about it a while ago,

> after

> > one of her " victims " called him, and my mom basically said she'd

> > stop and offered my brother a bribe to keep him from telling her

> > SO. She didn't stop, from what we've learned. I think she has

> > redirected her need for attachment and her fears of abandonment

> onto

> > these online relationships. Whatever it is, it is very strange

and

> > disturbing to me.

> >

> > I could go on and on about my crazy family. I just want to make

> > sure I don't make the same mistakes with my wonderful children.

I

> > know my mom had a very rough childhood, to say the least. She

was

> > physically abandoned by both of her parents when she was nine,

but

> I

> > think they were never really emotionally present for her. I

have

> so

> > many memories coming back to me that it is hard to process it

all.

> > I am really thinking that I need to go to therapy to get a

better

> > understanding of my childhood and how I can become a better

> person.

> >

> > Thanks for reading all that! It feels good to let it all out.

> >

> This group is a blessing....I'm new to the group,but found it just

in

> time...anyway...you have been thru so much...what touches me about

> you is your concern for YOUR kids....I regret every minute my BPD

> mother spent with my 3 boys,but that was then and this is now...I

> have worked so very hard in therapy..unfortunately it took my

oldest

> son's death in 1997 to get my full undivided attention towards my

own

> mental health...I went to grief counselling first then joined a

> suicide survivor group that led me to find survivor of incest

> survivor group,and on and on....but I was determined to not allow

my

> son's death be in vain...and my sons who were 15 and 9 at the time

> needed me so much,and I saw my mom getting her claws into them in

> my " absence " ...and that fueled my desire to get my head together

> ASAP...she blamed me for my sons death and told me I would not

kill

> my other 2...she promised me that....ugh....she damaged my middle

> son....despite my protests,by age 18 I had no say over my son

seeing

> her..she gave him money hand over fist and of course his self

esteem

> was part of the price he paid...he's 26 now and lives 1000 miles

> away..I miss him but am so proud of him finally running far from

her

> bad influence...my youngest now 20 is aware of her being off the

> air...keep your children safe from the pain that they would

otherwise

> experience...I have 3 half brothers...one 2 years younger than me

has

> little contact with her but NEVER permitted her to know his 2

> daughters(both now in college),one is 4 years younger and he

ditched

> the whole family after my mom called his boss saying he was

> suicidal..that was in 1997 after my son's funeral....he has a

lawyer

> who will enforce a restraining order against my mom if she even

> attempts to contact him or anyone who knows him... my youngest

half-

> brother is 12 years younger than me and has 2 children ages 2 and

> 5...she can see them only at their home for short amounts of

time,but

> they are always right there and she has been warned no cussing,no

> inappropriate comments...or no further visits. I wish I knew then

> what I now know...but can't change the past,so I've made a sort of

> peace with that...I call it stinkin thinkin....anyway,hang in

there...

>

May 28, 2008

Yes, there was a book I was going to suggest in my previous post but

didn't and the name of it is similar to what you said in your post,

it's called " Anyone You Want Me To Be " and I think the sub title is 'a

tale of sex and death on the internet'. It's about a serial killer who

met his victims online, he was an antisocial personality and just

progressed and met victims online and wooed them to come live with him

and eventually killed them after getting access to their bank

accounts, pensions, what have you. That is the main story-line but it

goes into detail about internet crime and how the internet has really

enabled people with a criminal psychology a virtual playground in

which to ply their trade, which doesn't even account for the npds/bpds

trolling around the internet looking for friendship/companionship/etc

after having run everyone they can out of their 'real life'. I learned

the hard way that 'seems normal/sounds sane' online is not the same

as 'seems normal/sounds sane' in real life, by a long shot.

May 28, 2008

you are far from the only one, so many of our stories overlap here.

I 'believed' my family for so long only because I couldn't understand

why they would lie and scheme the way that they did. I was also

chemically dependent in my late teens and early twenties so that was

when alot of the suicidal urges were, although I've had some pretty

bleak times here in the last five years. ((hugs))

May 28, 2008

Right back at you sugar. I know that the pain of your son's death will remain

with you, but I admire your strength to come back and battle through the BS to

keep them as safe as possible. I hope you maintain your relationships with your

siblings and that you heal just a bit more every day.

Be strong