Re: Please Help me by giving your opinion of an Email recieved from my mom.

[Guest guest]

Kyla, your nada sounds like a SEA HAG.......and I have never seen a

bible thumpin, sea hag.

2 times a year, she is the one the preacher, preach's about at

Christmas and Easter.

;0) drlingirl

>

> Along those lines -- my nada didn't know how to quit worrying so

much

> and just do what she could and give the rest to God. She was scared

> of EVERYTHING -- no faith that God was in control and that she could

> trust Him. She would rather rail at everybody with crazy emotions,

> smoke like a fiend, cuss like a sailor, run everybody down, etc.

She

> deluded herself that she was in control of everything, and had to

> worry about it all the time.

>

> In a way, nada had more " faith " in her way of dealing with things,

> than to trust God to help her. (But she showed up in church twice a

> year, regardless! LOL....)

>

[Guest guest]

LOL!!

> >

> > Along those lines -- my nada didn't know how to quit worrying so

> much

> > and just do what she could and give the rest to God. She was

scared

> > of EVERYTHING -- no faith that God was in control and that she

could

> > trust Him. She would rather rail at everybody with crazy

emotions,

> > smoke like a fiend, cuss like a sailor, run everybody down,

etc.

> She

> > deluded herself that she was in control of everything, and had

to

> > worry about it all the time.

> >

> > In a way, nada had more " faith " in her way of dealing with

things,

> > than to trust God to help her. (But she showed up in church

twice a

> > year, regardless! LOL....)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Great advice, greatest book ever!!! Mine is on loan, and I'm wiggy

with out it.

When you read that book, be prepared to scream out loud, it is so

validating!!! So you might want to give the neighbors a heads up!!!

My dad was a definite King to my nada the Queen (book talk), she

cheated on him many times.....and his EGO had enough. He gave her

the boot, the house, the money, the cars, the stuff, etc, etc.

Which was a small price for his freedom.

Get the book, it will be the best Christmas gift you can give

yourself.......drlingirl

> > >

> > >

> > > I love the family means I love you no matter what part. That

is

> so

> > true.

> > >

> > > To: WTOAdultChildren1@: vegdeanna@: Mon, 17 Dec 2007 23:53:48

> > +0000Subject: Re: Please Help me by giving

> your

> > opinion of an Email recieved from my mom.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Tony, you've been split black. This letter is way too long, so

> > I'vecondensed it and translated it for you.> > > You have some

> nerve

> > using YOUR parent's friend to still do your job > on your

> apartment!

> > What a hypocrite you are.***When mama's mad, everyone's gotta be

> > mad.*** However, our friend Homer is too nice of a > guy not to

> work

> > something out for you simply because YOU ARE OUR > CHILD!!!!

***I

> own

> > you***> > Hypocrite of the year award is granted Tony. YOUR

> selfish

> > parent's do > and have done nothing for you in all area's of

your

> > life but your > still continue using us to your advantage now

> don't

> > you?***You are a bad little boy.***> > What have your wife's

> parent's

> > friends done for you? Or for that > matter what has you wife

done

> for

> > you except leave you in anguish > because she can't be

satisfied.

> > ***We like it when we buy you stuff, because then you owe us. We

> > buynot out of love, but a need to control.***> > What a cop out

> your

> > phony complaint list was***Your feelings are irrelevant to me.

> Plus,

> > you're stupid.***what it was all really about! What is she a 3rd

> > grade > mentality now, and we have to spoon feed her to take

part

> in

> > a > general conversation? ***I can't accept responsibility and

> > apologize when I've hurt someone,so I project.***> I think Homer

> will

> > enjoy hearing what > you said to us and how you've kicked your

> > parent's around and treated > us like the morning trash.***I

will

> use

> > all the people in my life to control you, cut you off,and make

you

> > feel like a bad little boy.***> > You think that paying us off

> means

> > your not indebted to us too? ***You have always been a burden to

> > us.***> your wife put you up to it***I am so jealous that you

> married

> > another woman and left me allalone. I hate her for taking you

away

> > from me.***Gee, didn't she just switch pills (or at > least you

> told

> > me she did.) ***I feel I have the right to know every detail of

> your

> > life, nomatter how personal. And I will use those details

against

> you

> > later.***> I could see a day or two max at being down about

> possibly

> > miscarrying ***She should get over it. I have determined that 2

> days

> > is maximumgrieving time and any more than that just makes you

> > weak.***What ever > she saw was a figment of her imagination, or

> > worse an excuse for her > behavior on the trip. ***I am calling

> your

> > wife a liar.***> But see, I would have known it was ruse so she

> > couldn't talk to me. ***I have very low self esteem.***> It was

> all

> > about defending her moods and the sooner you face that the >

> sooner

> > you can manage your wife.***I don't like your growing

> > independence.***I told > you that that was your decision to make

> but

> > that everyone is entitled > to make one mistake! ***This is the

> one

> > time I tried to let you make your own decisions.***> She's in

> > complete control of you Tony, you don't speak for yourself >

> anymore.

> > ***I've lost control of you, and it is very frightening.***but

> your

> > pussy whipped. ***I talk like a 14 year old boy.*** (sorry,

> couldn't

> > resist that one)> just like a little namby pamby teen age girl

> would

> > cry. Did you know > that's what you sound like? ***Your pain

both

> > disgusts and amuses me, because it is only my ownpain that I

care

> > about.***> > Why do you think she won't change her email name to

> > Messina? ARE YOU > THAT NAIVE?***Everyone lies to you except me.

I

> am

> > the only one you can trust.***We don't know or recognize you

> anymore

> > as our son > Tony, the loving, generous, honest boy we raised.

The

> > boy that > grandpa doted over.***If you don't do as we wish, we

> will

> > not love you anymore.****How ashamed would grandpa be now if he

> could

> > see > you tony??!!!!!***Here is my attempt to control you with

> > shame.***Macho, macho man....I just want to be.. a macho man!!!

> ***I

> > like to hurt you.***> no kid born to you will change the

marriage

> you

> > > have. ***I want you to be as unhappy as I am.***> children and

> if

> > you do it is purely narcissism on your part.***If you have

> children,

> > I will be even less of a priority and may bepushed further from

> your

> > life. This terrifies me. Maybe I can shameyou and cut you down

> enough

> > to stop you.***> > What type of therapist do you have that gives

> you

> > the type of advice > your getting? ***Your therapist is also

> stupid

> > and out to hurt you. Only yourmother can be trusted.***But, then

> > again if > your mind is as twisted as it appears now you may

> believe

> > that you > are telling the truth when in reality it's becca's

> > truth.***I am a gifted spinmeister.***> > There was time tony

that

> I

> > respected you enough to have you give me > advice that would end

> the

> > life of my father. ***Remember your grandpa? He is gone. I hope

> you

> > feel bad about thattoo.***> the real tony who everyone loved

> ***You

> > have become a bad little boy, and now I don't love you

> anymore.***>

> > Tyler, Danny, me, dad and now your grandmother is getting

worried.

> If

> > > you think we don't rely on family to help us through this

crisis

> > with > our son then you are sadly mistaken. ***I will turn the

> whole

> > family against you.***Why is it just your > peers you listen to?

> > ***It's easier for a family to be dysfunctional when everyone

> > agreesto hide the truth.***then you better think about your

> actions

> > that would cause such > embarassment.***You are a bad little

> boy.***>

> > > Love,***Family means you love me no matter how I treat

you.***>

> >

> > Mom>

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

_________________________________________________________________

> > > The best games are on Xbox 360. Click here for a special

offer

> on

> > an Xbox 360 Console.

> > > http://www.xbox.com/en-US/hardware/wheretobuy/

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Tony,

Give yourself a break. You've been through a lot. Your mother is

out of control, and there is not much you can do about it -- there

never was. The part about her panicking when you got engaged is

an indicator that she is borderline. That's your mother's (your

nada's) fear of abandonment -- although she will never admit it.

The fact that she gave you no notice, and that she liked your

fiancee is further evidence of how unstable she is. She is not

aware of how illogical she is being. Her screaming at you in

emails is called 'raging' or 'acting out' -- very common with BPD,

although your example is pretty extreme. Still, there are worse

examples of child abuse, sadly, as you will read on the WTO boards.

The fact that your father (aka your 'fada') is not protecting you

means that he is psychologically 'enmeshed' with her, and he is

an 'enabler' -- meaning that he helps to nurture her dysfunction,

for reasons that we may never fully understand. We usually think

of substance abuse, where one spouse 'enables' the other's drinking,

for example. There's a good chance that your fada has some problems

of his own, but BPs are typically so wild and unpredictable that

their illness eclipses the others in the family. I know, my friend,

because my fada was the same way as yours. He didn't protect my

brother and me from our nada's outrages. He 'protected' her.

You didn't cause any of this, Tony, and you can't fix your parents.

BPD is difficult even for the best professionals. You are actually

luckier than most, because you found yourself in one of the best

places on the Internet for you to be right now. Get yourself the

books that Kyla recommends, and take good care of yourself.

Make this New Years, 2008, the start of a new happier life for you

and your wife.

Happy New Year to both of you, and to everyone on the WTO boards!

[Guest guest]

I second that -- Sara Jo, you go, girl!

-Kyla

>

>

> Atta girl Sara Jo, you've come along way baby;0).......good

> advice!!!

>

> drlingirl

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow. I bow at your pumpitude. :-)

>

> Tony, you've been split black. This letter is way too long, so

I've

> condensed it and translated it for you.

> >

> >

> > You have some nerve using YOUR parent's friend to still do your

job

> > on your apartment! What a hypocrite you are.

>

> ***When mama's mad, everyone's gotta be mad.***

>

> However, our friend Homer is too nice of a

> > guy not to work something out for you simply because YOU ARE OUR

> > CHILD!!!!

>

> ***I own you***

> >

>

> > Hypocrite of the year award is granted Tony. YOUR selfish

parent's do

> > and have done nothing for you in all area's of your life but

your

> > still continue using us to your advantage now don't you?

>

> ***You are a bad little boy.***

> >

> > What have your wife's parent's friends done for you? Or for that

> > matter what has you wife done for you except leave you in

anguish

> > because she can't be satisfied.

>

> ***We like it when we buy you stuff, because then you owe us. We

buy

> not out of love, but a need to control.***

>

> >

> > What a cop out your phony complaint list was

>

> ***Your feelings are irrelevant to me. Plus, you're stupid.***

>

> what it was all really about! What is she a 3rd grade

> > mentality now, and we have to spoon feed her to take part in a

> > general conversation?

>

> ***I can't accept responsibility and apologize when I've hurt

someone,

> so I project.***

>

> >

> I think Homer will enjoy hearing what

> > you said to us and how you've kicked your parent's around and

treated

> > us like the morning trash.

>

> ***I will use all the people in my life to control you, cut you

off,

> and make you feel like a bad little boy.***

>

> >

> > You think that paying us off means your not indebted to us too?

>

> ***You have always been a burden to us.***

>

>

> > your wife put you up to it

>

> ***I am so jealous that you married another woman and left me all

> alone. I hate her for taking you away from me.***

>

>

> Gee, didn't she just switch pills (or at

> > least you told me she did.)

>

> ***I feel I have the right to know every detail of your life, no

> matter how personal. And I will use those details against you

later.***

>

>

> > I could see a day or two max at being down about possibly

miscarrying

>

> ***She should get over it. I have determined that 2 days is

maximum

> grieving time and any more than that just makes you weak.***

>

>

> What ever

> > she saw was a figment of her imagination, or worse an excuse for

her

> > behavior on the trip.

>

> ***I am calling your wife a liar.***

>

>

> > But see, I would have known it was ruse so she couldn't talk to

me.

>

> ***I have very low self esteem.***

>

> > It was all about defending her moods and the sooner you face

that the

> > sooner you can manage your wife.

>

> ***I don't like your growing independence.***

>

>

> I told

> > you that that was your decision to make but that everyone is

entitled

> > to make one mistake!

>

> ***This is the one time I tried to let you make your own

decisions.***

>

>

> > She's in complete control of you Tony, you don't speak for

yourself

> > anymore.

>

> ***I've lost control of you, and it is very frightening.***

>

> but your pussy whipped.

>

> ***I talk like a 14 year old boy.*** (sorry, couldn't resist that

one)

>

> > just like a little namby pamby teen age girl would cry. Did you

know

> > that's what you sound like?

>

> ***Your pain both disgusts and amuses me, because it is only my own

> pain that I care about.***

>

>

> >

> > Why do you think she won't change her email name to Messina? ARE

YOU

> > THAT NAIVE?

>

> ***Everyone lies to you except me. I am the only one you can

trust.***

>

>

> We don't know or recognize you anymore as our son

> > Tony, the loving, generous, honest boy we raised. The boy that

> > grandpa doted over.

>

> ***If you don't do as we wish, we will not love you anymore.****

>

>

> How ashamed would grandpa be now if he could see

> > you tony??!!!!!

>

> ***Here is my attempt to control you with shame.***

>

> Macho, macho man....I just want to be.. a macho man!!!

>

> ***I like to hurt you.***

> > no kid born to you will change the marriage you

> > have.

>

> ***I want you to be as unhappy as I am.***

>

>

> > children and if you do it is purely narcissism on your part.

>

> ***If you have children, I will be even less of a priority and may

be

> pushed further from your life. This terrifies me. Maybe I can

shame

> you and cut you down enough to stop you.***

>

> >

> > What type of therapist do you have that gives you the type of

advice

> > your getting?

>

> ***Your therapist is also stupid and out to hurt you. Only your

> mother can be trusted.***

>

>

> But, then again if

> > your mind is as twisted as it appears now you may believe that

you

> > are telling the truth when in reality it's becca's truth.

>

> ***I am a gifted spinmeister.***

>

> >

> > There was time tony that I respected you enough to have you give

me

> > advice that would end the life of my father.

>

> ***Remember your grandpa? He is gone. I hope you feel bad about

that

> too.***

>

> >

> the real tony who everyone loved

>

> ***You have become a bad little boy, and now I don't love you

anymore.***

>

> > Tyler, Danny, me, dad and now your grandmother is getting

worried. If

> > you think we don't rely on family to help us through this crisis

with

> > our son then you are sadly mistaken.

>

> ***I will turn the whole family against you.***

>

>

> Why is it just your

> > peers you listen to?

>

> ***It's easier for a family to be dysfunctional when everyone

agrees

> to hide the truth.***

>

>

> then you better think about your actions that would cause such

> > embarassment.

>

>

> ***You are a bad little boy.***

> >

> > Love,

>

> ***Family means you love me no matter how I treat you.***

> >

> > Mom

> >

>

[Guest guest]

thanks drlgirl and Kyla.

I think I have come a long way. you all have helped me so much.

I've decided not to take it anymore. If my mother wants a

relationship with me she will have to admit she has a problem and

seek professional help for it. Since admitting she has a problem

will never happen, I will probably no longer have a relationship

with her. But it is definitely more her loss than mine.

More than anything I am worried about my sister. NADA is still

guilting her into things. She knows it, but still doesn't feel

comfortable taking the extreme that i am taking with the NC. I know

how hard it is though.

Thanks to everyone for your continuing support.

> >

> >

> > Atta girl Sara Jo, you've come along way baby;0).......good

> > advice!!!

> >

> > drlingirl

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Then you'll have to role model for your sister what it looks like to

walk away from nada's overbearing influence. Just go about your life,

and she'll see. Give it time. This is now your sister's battle --

you've already saved yourself. She'll catch on eventually.

-Kyla