Re: Another newbie - introduction

[Guest guest]

You've got my support! How nada was treating my daughter &

grandchildren was sort of where " the rubber hit the road " in what I

would & would not accept from her. You have your priorities exactly

right in protecting your daughter from craziness - theirs or anyone

else's.

I too have more than one family member with BPD, another I think is

NP, as well as my BPD ex-husband. Most people cannot conceive of

the type of multiple flipouts which you describe - I remember one

Thanksgiving week we left Arizona Monday to spend the holiday with

my aunt in Texas. As tempers flared & tears were shed (besides the

cigarettes smoked with the windows up) we turned around & went back

in the opposite direction like 6 times, zigzagging all over New

Mexico & west Texas before finally making it all the way to my

aunt's in northeast Texas at some godforsaken hour early T-day

morning.

I don't really get any understanding from the

> people around me because they see me as either " the problem "

or " part of the problem " .

This is because the people around you are nuts. Do what you can to

get other types of people around you. I was sad & frustrated so

long because my parents & bro seemed to think I was a fool or sucker

for getting an education, playing by the rules, working every day,

etc. They were not going to validate me or my decisions in any way;

but after a point it became my problem that I was still expecting

them to do so given their track record.

You're unquestionably doing the right thing. We're glad you're here

& glad to listen.

[Guest guest]

Thanks! That is exactly what I needed to hear. Since my family acts

like it is normal to have " multiple flip outs " I need to constantly

remind myself that it is not normal. This is because when you think

it is normal you accept their behavior and you participate in it -

either because you want to protect/defend yourself or somebody else.

When you realize it is not normal you are then able to take a stand

and say either your respect me or you have nothing to do with me. To

make a long story short, I feel that I was never really able to take

stand for myself because I could not really get a grip on what was

going on. However, I will take a stand for my daughter and make sure

she is not around this craziness. Basically my game plan is that as

soon as people start to act crazy, I am out of there. If my mom can

behave herself in front of my daughter then I have no problem. At

least my own home, with my husband and my daughter, is a safe haven

for me. That is something that I never had before. My mother

divorced my father (she has said many times that she didn't like him

because he wouldn't fight with her - he would just lock himself in a

room - I can see why in retrospect). My father married an 18 year old

on the rebound, who just happens to be borderline herself, but in a

different way than my mom (she constantly claims that she is the

victim of some imaginary abuse - very very very long story with her).

So when my mom would kick me out of the house as a teenager, about

once a month, because I left a spoon in the sick or spilled coffee on

the counter, I really had no where to go. Anyway, now I have a haven

so I have much better standing.

It is all painful nevertheless. I have a thousand stories of craziness.

What I think is really interesting are all of the common themes in

peoples stories - especially the fact that many BPD people accuse

others of sexual abuse. This is a recurring theme among my mother,

aunt, grandmother and stepmother.

Thanks for letting me vent and participate.

Kristie

>

> You've got my support! How nada was treating my daughter &

> grandchildren was sort of where " the rubber hit the road " in what I

> would & would not accept from her. You have your priorities exactly

> right in protecting your daughter from craziness - theirs or anyone

> else's.

>

> I too have more than one family member with BPD, another I think is

> NP, as well as my BPD ex-husband. Most people cannot conceive of

> the type of multiple flipouts which you describe - I remember one

> Thanksgiving week we left Arizona Monday to spend the holiday with

> my aunt in Texas. As tempers flared & tears were shed (besides the

> cigarettes smoked with the windows up) we turned around & went back

> in the opposite direction like 6 times, zigzagging all over New

> Mexico & west Texas before finally making it all the way to my

> aunt's in northeast Texas at some godforsaken hour early T-day

> morning.

>

> I don't really get any understanding from the

> > people around me because they see me as either " the problem "

> or " part of the problem " .

>

> This is because the people around you are nuts. Do what you can to

> get other types of people around you. I was sad & frustrated so

> long because my parents & bro seemed to think I was a fool or sucker

> for getting an education, playing by the rules, working every day,

> etc. They were not going to validate me or my decisions in any way;

> but after a point it became my problem that I was still expecting

> them to do so given their track record.

>

> You're unquestionably doing the right thing. We're glad you're here

> & glad to listen.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Kristie --

Welcome -- and good for you for standing up for your daughter. (You,

too, !!)

So many times I see parents unwilling to stand up for their kids

around the grandparents, because the parents are still afraid of

them. (I know one mom -- possibly a borderline -- who won't stand up

to her husband's parents' disrespect of her children

because " They're millionaires! " I want to say " Gee -- I didn't know

your childrens' dignity was for sale. " Her kids have had so many

trials and instances of acting out, it's sad. The mother's an

alcoholic now.)

Anyway -- it's good to see you exercising your right to remove

yourself when a situation becomes disrespectful to you. And your

daughter!

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Kristie,

Not only was your message coherent but it makes good sense. Way to go--

you did a great job communicating and defending your boundary. Your

baby is fortunate to have a mother who is willing to protect her so

well.

This made me chuckle:

Sure

> enough later that evening we find a message from my BPD aunt accusing

> my BPD mother of telling my BPD grandmother to cut her out of the will

> (this is complete nonsense). So now my mother is fully in brawl mode

> and calls my non-BPD aunt to get her involved.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. You will know what to do about

Christmas. It sounds like it might be liberating for you to consider

having a nice cozy holiday on your own. If you do choose to do

Christmas with the BPD clan, I hope it will not be because you feel

obligated to...but because you actually WANT to.

[Guest guest]

Thanks for reading my post. It looks like threatening to take people

out of the will is another BPD theme.

To be fair, my grandmother and my aunt are much worse than my mom. By

grandmother is about as BPD as it gets. She will threaten to hit you

(and she is 82 years old), leaves long crazy messages, calls you at

5:00am to catch you off guard, calls 911 at the drop of a pen. I

could go on an on. My mom is o.k. about 50% of the time (being

generous) and then other times she has a whole range of moods. So I

would like to spend Christmas with my mom, but I still want to enforce

my boundaries. The problem is her house where we would spend Christmas

is about 6 hours away from my house. She probably thinks she can get

away with yelling at me because she thinks I won't leave because we

are further away. She is like a toddler constantly testing your limits.

Anyway, she hasn't called me and I haven't called her. I am waiting

for her to decide that agreeing to not yell at me or argue in front of

my daughter is an acceptable request. She is probably moping around

the house dwelling on my BPD aunt and BPD grandmother and still mad

because I " insulted her house " .

Thanks again,

Kristie

>

> Kristie,

>

> Not only was your message coherent but it makes good sense. Way to go--

> you did a great job communicating and defending your boundary. Your

> baby is fortunate to have a mother who is willing to protect her so

> well.

>

> This made me chuckle:

> Sure

> > enough later that evening we find a message from my BPD aunt accusing

> > my BPD mother of telling my BPD grandmother to cut her out of the will

> > (this is complete nonsense). So now my mother is fully in brawl mode

> > and calls my non-BPD aunt to get her involved.

>

> Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. You will know what to do about

> Christmas. It sounds like it might be liberating for you to consider

> having a nice cozy holiday on your own. If you do choose to do

> Christmas with the BPD clan, I hope it will not be because you feel

> obligated to...but because you actually WANT to.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

If it helps...

We have finally decided that on the rare occasion we actually make the

500 mile trek to visit my parents, we will be staying in a hotel. We

did this for the first time last summer (our most recent visit, for a

reunion). It took me a while to figure that one out, but boy is it

worth it! So much better than being " trapped " in the hell-house.

Plus, you have to keep the visit short or else go broke =)

[Guest guest]

Great idea! Gives you some space of your own, and you can truly

unwind. It's good for your hosts, too! Reduces wear and tear on

their nerves as well....

Some things -- like hotels -- are just simply worth the money!

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

I will definately spend the next Thanksgiving in a hotel, given my

families Thanksgiving track record.

As far as Christmas is concerned, my mothers house is huge and my

brother will be there also. I will also make sure we go somewhere

everyday. However, if she starts in I will go straight to a hotel.

Thanks again for the advice.

Kristie

>

> Great idea! Gives you some space of your own, and you can truly

> unwind. It's good for your hosts, too! Reduces wear and tear on

> their nerves as well....

>

> Some things -- like hotels -- are just simply worth the money!

>

> -Kyla

>