Re: New here (VERY LONG)

December 14, 2007

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!

Broomie wrote: Hi All,

Sorry for not using the abbrev's, terms...will in future.....Sorry for this

very long post, alot to say first time, future letters will be short. I've

come here to help me deal with my mother, not let her upset me, with her

roller coaster emotional dramas. I believe my mother has BPD. I am 45 years

old, living in Newfoundland, Canada. It's a long story of her many dramas,

angry outbursts and hurt feelings, I recall since childhood. There are 6

daughters, 3 of us live home and and 3 live away. About a month ago my

mother, age 71, once again created another drama scene. They usually start

out where she is upset with one of her daughters or with Dad (eg: if she

feels ignored, jealousy), then she may redirect her anger to someone else

over something totally different, maybe something from anytime in

past, 35, 15 years ago or recent. She gets very hurt, outraged with anger,

calling each sibling up on phone, trashing the other daughter or my father,

from everything she can think off that ever happened in the past to

offend/hurt her, etc....I call it " divide and conquer " ...

This last scene started where she was upset with a cousin of mine,

redirected to my sister over something else and then it landed with me, her

main target, all created by her and her pain. No longer mad at anyone else,

just good old me. I finally spoke to her on the phone after me calling her

several times, about 2 weeks later she answered her phone and we talked

about other stuff but when I invited her to visit me, she said she would

because she wanted to " have a CHAT with me " about something. I

immediately proceeded to tell her I would not be discussing what happened

prior..On the phone she decided right then to have her CHAT " I TOLD YOU NOT

TO BLA, BLA.... " ..so I hung up when when she ignored my wishes and started

in on me. Her chats are all one sided, all about her pain, her hurt, where

if I say how I feel, she can't handle it and will go off her head, so I

refused to discuss it with her. More importantly, I know this all truly

has nothing to do with me, or anyone else, none of it, as it really is

about her illness and I refuse to make it about me. Hanging up on my

mother, INFURIATED her for sure!!! I'm sure she said to herself

afterwards....How dare you, I am your mother, I am in charge!!!!!!!!She

once again called all her children (5 daughters) and once again trashed me

lots....with her twisted truths...One sister told me, you are the first to

stand up to her. Usually they all try to fix it, say whatever they think

mom wants to hear to make mom FEEL better. Tell her they are sorry,

whatever....I don't take that approach as I feel this is all a form of

control, getting others to do what she wants and I won't play that game and

she knows it and thus I am and never will be one of her favorites. I

usually just avoid her for a while until she settles down...this time it

may carry all the way into Christmas, another drama I expect in store ahead

over the holidays .....

Although we have since talked on the phone, it is strained and

uncomfortable at times, as she can be cutting with her words, little digs.

I have made a real effort to be pleasant and move forward, let it all blow

over " . I have not seen her since and she has not been to my house since,

repeatedly turn down my invites. I can tell she is up to something, phony

nice, plotting how she is going to get her way, and MAKE me listen. Some of

my sisters, believes she is just " really sensitive " all stemming from

childhood (her mother died when she was 6), other siblings like myself

believe she has BPD. Thus siblings contribute to the problem by listening

to her trash the other sibling or Dad, and " trying to fix " the problem, to

make mother happy, and some even encourage her to create more drama.

Mother and sister both each called me suddenly today, to say they are

coming for a visit together tomorrow. Mother says it is because she wants

to drop off Christmas cards with gifts, and see some new things I bought. I

am guarded and suspicious. This will be the first time Mother has visited

in my home since the drama scene, with me and others. I know she can't let

anything go, so I expect she will want to corner me and chastize me, how

she is mad at me for bla, bla, bla, .... So today I called back my sister,

who enables mother, encourages the drama, who contributes to the problem,

mothers favorite, the spy ( " Spy Sister " ), mother feeds off her...and I told

her that when her and mother come to visit, " please I do not want to

discuss last month with mom, if mom is planning anything please tell her

not to do so, as I can not handle it " .....She denied mother was up to any

thing but I know better. I'm sure she ran back to mother and told

her " She's knows what you are up to " . I figure mother now may have since

changed her plans and may now have decided to write me a long lengthy

letter about every thing she feels I have ever done wrong to hurt her, or

anyone else, all my sins, etc...and it will be included in the Christmas

cards, which she may now just drop off at my door. Or she may come in the

house and just before she leaves, after a pleasant visit, let me have it

(chastising me like I am a child). In the past when mother was on one of

her drama kicks I would avoid her for 3 days (golden rule) and that seemed

to help, if I wasn't the target and I never had to listen to her drama, or

get involved in it....Avoidnace is how I like to handle her.....This recent

drama I got unknowingly cornered into something and couldn't avoid her and

thus directed her anger towards me...

So tomorrow, Friday, not sure how the day will go with her and sis, if she

visits. If she starts in on me in my home, I plan to politely excuse myself

from the room, tell her I am taking a shower and lock myself in bathroom

door and take a shower and turn radio on to drown her out, until she

leaves. If I get a letter enclosed with Christmas card I will throw it in

garbage and not read it.....what else can I do, expect? I don't like having

to think ahead, what is she up to, what is she planning, trying to be

prepared for the unexpected but then it helps me handle it better when I

know whats probably ahead. If I throw letter away I will not tell " Spy

Sister " , as she will just run back to mother and they will just go on doing

more plotting on how mother can have her rant with me. One sister who as

well knows mother is ill, said " she will never let it go! " ........if you

read to the end, thank-you, appreciated,...any words of wisdom

appreciated?....Broomie

---------------------------------

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December 14, 2007

Hi Broomie,

Welcome to WTOAdultChildren. Your mother certainly does have many

BPD symptoms.

1st - your post isn't very long. It is pretty much the regular

length for a newbie. We all have to get out a summary of our story

at the beginning. I am glad you found us, you will get many

suggestions based from experience on how to handle a nada (our term

that means 'not a mother').

I would like to address the specific situation of your mother and

enabling sister coming to your house. I wouldn't want to be in your

shoes. You know something is going to happen - at some time. And

your mother is bringing in your sister for her support. She is

preparing to gang up on you if that is necessary.

Here is what we have learned from this forum. We KOs (Kids Of a BPD

parent) do not have to stand for their abuse, AND we don't have to

explain ourselves to them either. One of the ways we protect

ourselves is to make sure we always have an escape plan. You have

one with going to take a shower. You could also do the following,

tell your mother and sister they will have to leave if mom doesn't

want to stop the verbal abuse, OR you could get up and leave! If

you have children, and it is possible, then you could get up and

leave with the children. It is never enough to tell a BPD that they

can no longer abuse us. We have to back up our statement with

actions, because they will test us.

Walking out, or telling your mother to leave may be more than what

you feel ready to do at this time, and if that is the case, think

about it as a possibility for the future. Most of us have felt

quite fearful when we first established our boundaries - our

groundrules - with our BPD parents.

It is great that you know this is not about you. Many of us have

had a difficult time accepting that realization. And good for you

for already establishing boundaries - refusing to talk about certain

subjects and actually hanging up when she didn't respect your

request. (That is an action that supported your boundary.)

As far as planning ahead.....After you have established boundaries,

you won't have to plan ahead. Particularly in the area of trying to

figure out what she will do next. You don't need to do that, you

need to know what you will do whenever she violates a boundary. End

of story ...... when nada violates a boundary, I will......(fill in

the blank).

There is a wonderful pleasant world out there without all of our

nada's drama. We have to work to get to it, and we have to

understand what fantasies/dreams we have to give up as well. It

does involve thinking about our lives and our families differently,

setting boundaries and protecting them. Some of us have gone no

contact in order to get to that wonderful world. (It isn't

wonderful all the time, there are still problems and sadness, just

not the craziness of a BPD world.)

Good luck. Please let us know how this 'visit' went.

Sylvia

>

> Hi All,

> Sorry for not using the abbrev's, terms...will in future.....Sorry

for this

> very long post, alot to say first time, future letters will be

short. I've

> come here to help me deal with my mother, not let her upset me,

with her

> roller coaster emotional dramas. I believe my mother has BPD. I am

45 years

> old, living in Newfoundland, Canada. It's a long story of her many

dramas,

> angry outbursts and hurt feelings, I recall since childhood. There

are 6

> daughters, 3 of us live home and and 3 live away. About a month

ago my

> mother, age 71, once again created another drama scene. They

usually start

> out where she is upset with one of her daughters or with Dad (eg:

if she

> feels ignored, jealousy), then she may redirect her anger to

someone else

> over something totally different, maybe something from anytime in

> past, 35, 15 years ago or recent. She gets very hurt, outraged

with anger,

> calling each sibling up on phone, trashing the other daughter or

my father,

> from everything she can think off that ever happened in the past

to

> offend/hurt her, etc....I call it " divide and conquer " ...

>

> This last scene started where she was upset with a cousin of mine,

> redirected to my sister over something else and then it landed

with me, her

> main target, all created by her and her pain. No longer mad at

anyone else,

> just good old me. I finally spoke to her on the phone after me

calling her

> several times, about 2 weeks later she answered her phone and we

talked

> about other stuff but when I invited her to visit me, she said she

would

> because she wanted to " have a CHAT with me " about something. I

> immediately proceeded to tell her I would not be discussing what

happened

> prior..On the phone she decided right then to have her CHAT " I

TOLD YOU NOT

> TO BLA, BLA.... " ..so I hung up when when she ignored my wishes and

started

> in on me. Her chats are all one sided, all about her pain, her

hurt, where

> if I say how I feel, she can't handle it and will go off her head,

so I

> refused to discuss it with her. More importantly, I know this all

truly

> has nothing to do with me, or anyone else, none of it, as it

really is

> about her illness and I refuse to make it about me. Hanging up on

my

> mother, INFURIATED her for sure!!! I'm sure she said to herself

> afterwards....How dare you, I am your mother, I am in

charge!!!!!!!!She

> once again called all her children (5 daughters) and once again

trashed me

> lots....with her twisted truths...One sister told me, you are the

first to

> stand up to her. Usually they all try to fix it, say whatever they

think

> mom wants to hear to make mom FEEL better. Tell her they are

sorry,

> whatever....I don't take that approach as I feel this is all a

form of

> control, getting others to do what she wants and I won't play that

game and

> she knows it and thus I am and never will be one of her favorites.

I

> usually just avoid her for a while until she settles down...this

time it

> may carry all the way into Christmas, another drama I expect in

store ahead

> over the holidays .....

>

> Although we have since talked on the phone, it is strained and

> uncomfortable at times, as she can be cutting with her words,

little digs.

> I have made a real effort to be pleasant and move forward, let it

all blow

> over " . I have not seen her since and she has not been to my house

since,

> repeatedly turn down my invites. I can tell she is up to

something, phony

> nice, plotting how she is going to get her way, and MAKE me

listen. Some of

> my sisters, believes she is just " really sensitive " all stemming

from

> childhood (her mother died when she was 6), other siblings like

myself

> believe she has BPD. Thus siblings contribute to the problem by

listening

> to her trash the other sibling or Dad, and " trying to fix " the

problem, to

> make mother happy, and some even encourage her to create more

drama.

>

> Mother and sister both each called me suddenly today, to say they

are

> coming for a visit together tomorrow. Mother says it is because

she wants

> to drop off Christmas cards with gifts, and see some new things I

bought. I

> am guarded and suspicious. This will be the first time Mother has

visited

> in my home since the drama scene, with me and others. I know she

can't let

> anything go, so I expect she will want to corner me and chastize

me, how

> she is mad at me for bla, bla, bla, .... So today I called back my

sister,

> who enables mother, encourages the drama, who contributes to the

problem,

> mothers favorite, the spy ( " Spy Sister " ), mother feeds off

her...and I told

> her that when her and mother come to visit, " please I do not want

to

> discuss last month with mom, if mom is planning anything please

tell her

> not to do so, as I can not handle it " .....She denied mother was up

to any

> thing but I know better. I'm sure she ran back to mother and told

> her " She's knows what you are up to " . I figure mother now may

have since

> changed her plans and may now have decided to write me a long

lengthy

> letter about every thing she feels I have ever done wrong to hurt

her, or

> anyone else, all my sins, etc...and it will be included in the

Christmas

> cards, which she may now just drop off at my door. Or she may come

in the

> house and just before she leaves, after a pleasant visit, let me

have it

> (chastising me like I am a child). In the past when mother was on

one of

> her drama kicks I would avoid her for 3 days (golden rule) and

that seemed

> to help, if I wasn't the target and I never had to listen to her

drama, or

> get involved in it....Avoidnace is how I like to handle

her.....This recent

> drama I got unknowingly cornered into something and couldn't avoid

her and

> thus directed her anger towards me...

>

> So tomorrow, Friday, not sure how the day will go with her and

sis, if she

> visits. If she starts in on me in my home, I plan to politely

excuse myself

> from the room, tell her I am taking a shower and lock myself in

bathroom

> door and take a shower and turn radio on to drown her out, until

she

> leaves. If I get a letter enclosed with Christmas card I will

throw it in

> garbage and not read it.....what else can I do, expect? I don't

like having

> to think ahead, what is she up to, what is she planning, trying to

be

> prepared for the unexpected but then it helps me handle it better

when I

> know whats probably ahead. If I throw letter away I will not

tell " Spy

> Sister " , as she will just run back to mother and they will just go

on doing

> more plotting on how mother can have her rant with me. One sister

who as

> well knows mother is ill, said " she will never let it

go! " ........if you

> read to the end, thank-you, appreciated,...any words of wisdom

> appreciated?....Broomie

>

December 14, 2007

The siblings have a lot to lose ... inheritance ... nada approval.

You, on the other hand, have a lot to gain ... from freeing yourself. Go

there. Carol

In a message dated 12/14/2007 9:26:02 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

broomie@... writes:

Hi All,