Re: Return to this group...

[Guest guest]

Grace,

Man, your boat sounds a lot like mine. I'll grab an oar and you grab

an oar for the other side and lets start paddling the hell away from

these crazy aunts of our's.

Your assessment is right. My aunt has tried to tell me my nada has

changed w/all of the cancer stuff she's been through this year and

yet nada specifically told aunt NOT to tell me or my brother to tell

me about her recent cancer coming out of remission and having to go

on chemo this month. Hmm. She also told auntie that I don't return

her phone calls, which is tripe as I said 'are you talking about the

three she's made to me this year, two of which were to sing Happy

Birthday to my kids which didn't warrant a return call or the call

she made in Febuary the day before her surgery that I picked up and

talked to her over? Or maybe you're referring to the three calls she

made last year that I didn't return? What about my email questions

she doesn't return? Does she tell you about that too in her victim

role playing w/this evil daughter?' And of course I got some sound

spiritual advice from my confessor. He said 'look, if she'd changed

one iota, then you'd have not found out through a third party.'

So I pass that along. If she'd changed at all, then she wouldn't use

your aunt to triangulate these affairs. She'd call you to sort

through it. Instead she's creating more drama and trying to put more

pressure on you and use gang warfare like bps are want to do by

enlisting auntie. Don't fall for it. Its a trap and its a bunch of bs

and I've honestly not talked to my auntie since last time she tried

to guilt trip me into having a relationship w/my nada. I just no

longer value my aunt's relationship enough to get that emeshed. My

life, overall, is pretty good and simplified. They just bring a toxic

soup to the table I don't need to drink.

Best wishes to you and I do remember you from way back when;)

Kerrie

>

> Hello!

> I recognize a name or two from when I used to post. I joined this

> group about a year and a half ago, but stopped posting around

> Christmas because things were getting too hectic. I was pregnant

with

> our second child, and lost touch with this group. Things have

stirred

> up again with my nada (sort of...) and I thought maybe I'd look into

> posting again and reading all of yours. I found this to be very

> helpful when I was active here.

>

> Here is the short version: my name is Grace, and I am married with

two

> very young daughters. My nada and I have been NC for just over a

year.

> Things had gotten worse (but still manageable) with her, until one

> fateful night last December when my husband and nada's husband (my

> stepdad) spent three hours on the phone. My husband (DH, right?)

and I

> had decided that unless nada and my stepdad would sit down with us

and

> talk about things, set boundaries, etc, we would have to go NC. My

DH

> and stepfather argued for three hours! This one simple thing, nada

> would not do. She refused to sit down with us and talk about some

> things that had happened to upset us (I can fill you in on that

> later... but it would be too long right now and I have go to make

mac

> and cheese for my kids and hubby). As a result, they said they will

> never sit down and talk, we said we have to in order to have a

> relationship, and when we hung up... we were flat out NC.

>

> Recently my aunt has tried to initiate a reconciliation between us.

> Not sure if it'll happen... I don't have much hope. She insists nada

> has changed. I figure, if nada had changed, wouldn't she be banging

> down my door and ready to do whatever it takes to have a

relationship

> with her only daughter???

>

> This is the super short version. I may post more later. I thought

> maybe starting this group up again will help. We'll see. Everyone

here

> was so supportive last year when I was involved here... I thought

I'd

> reach out again.

>

> Hope you all are well... I haven't had time to read these posts.

It's

> hard to get caught up.

>

> Grace

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Grace -- I believe I remember you! When you give more details,

I'm sure I'll " recognize " you....

Kerrie wrote: " Don't fall for it. Its a trap and its a bunch of

bs... "

Amen, sistah! My nada likes to use life's naturally dramatic events

to whip up emotions in the people around her. You can practically

hear the orchestra swelling in the background......

She says crap like " You know, since grandma died (at age 90 -- sad,

yes, but not exactly tragic), I've come to realize that time as a

family is so important " (cue voice breaking and tears).... She jams

that phrasing in at EVERY opportunity (and I mean EVERY one!) -- the

chance phone call, my dad's retirement dinner....etc. She takes any

chance she can get to hijack the moment and throw the spotlight on

herself.

But her ACTIONS tell a different tale: she can't be bothered to

pick up the phone, or accept countless invitations to interact with

her grandchildren, or keep commitments she's made with her daughter

(fun ones!), or stop thinking about herself long enough to realize

there's a great big world out there beyond her smoking room in the

garage.

Her actions tell the REAL tale -- the other is just empty talk, used

for dramatic effect to manipulate people into feeling sorry for her.

In a way, I see your nada's using her cancer to try and hurt you as

the same thing. It still looks suspicious since she hasn't taken

any action to get closer to you.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

Oh yeah, I feel sorry for anyone whose got cancer, but man my nada

definitely has used this for her own power trips. Funnily enough, my

good friend here where I live (1000 miles from my foo and where I was

raised) called that one last fall saying she wouldn't be surprised if

my nada got really sick since I'd been NC- something to pull me back

into the thick of it. Well it didn't pull me back but it sure did

create more division between me and the rest of the FOO as now I'm

just this awful daughter and lots of gossip around me. Oh well. I

guess I'd care if I cared to be a member of their clan, but as it

stands, I stand better on my own and so oh well. It does hurt

sometime and I have anger issues I've been working out, but overall

I'd rather have that than to be in the thick of it again and being

traumatized after traumatization again and again to keep me sucked

into their lifestyles. No thanks. That's just not how I see life.

I totally get your nada's tripe about family time. Sounds so much

like the boo-hoo scenario my grandnada on dead dad's side has always

pulled. My nada tried to pull this too last year when I flew in for

her fiance's funeral (suicide- go figure). " If anything this has

taught me is that life's too short for things like fighting and

whatnot' as I'd been NC for three months at that point. I said 'well

its taught me the opposite. More like I'm confirmed that this family

and situation is a danger and threat to me and my family and so if

anything, I feel more convicted on us not having a relationshiop. " ---

something to that effect which just made her livid and pissed off to

no end. Oh well. Like I said, I deal better being a distant enemy of

hers than a close one. True friendship and love is impossible in my

assessment when you know her.

Okay, baby is climbing up on the desk trying to shut my laptop-

better run. lol

Kerrie

" Don't fall for it. Its a trap and its a bunch of

> bs... "

>

> Amen, sistah! My nada likes to use life's naturally dramatic

events

> to whip up emotions in the people around her. You can practically

> hear the orchestra swelling in the background......

>

> She says crap like " You know, since grandma died (at age 90 -- sad,

> yes, but not exactly tragic), I've come to realize that time as a

> family is so important " (cue voice breaking and tears).... She

jams

> that phrasing in at EVERY opportunity (and I mean EVERY one!) --

the

> chance phone call, my dad's retirement dinner....etc. She takes

any

> chance she can get to hijack the moment and throw the spotlight on

> herself.

>

> But her ACTIONS tell a different tale: she can't be bothered to

> pick up the phone, or accept countless invitations to interact with

> her grandchildren, or keep commitments she's made with her daughter

> (fun ones!), or stop thinking about herself long enough to realize

> there's a great big world out there beyond her smoking room in the

> garage.

>

> Her actions tell the REAL tale -- the other is just empty talk,

used

> for dramatic effect to manipulate people into feeling sorry for her.

>

> In a way, I see your nada's using her cancer to try and hurt you as

> the same thing. It still looks suspicious since she hasn't taken

> any action to get closer to you.

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

Kerrie,

Nadas seem to LOVE using third party channels to deliver information. Like the

game

telephone she can claim something got lost in translation.

I have been NC with a former client that left me a mean nasty message on my

voicemail.

This incident was just the final straw of many abuses that I tolerated before I

realized that

she was just a substitute nada in my life. Meanwhile she is sending me pleading

messages

through another client and a fellow healthcare practitioner. Her cry is " What

have I done

that is so unforgivable " (she is playing to fellow healthcare practitioners

Christian belief

system) I have forgiven her, but that does not mean I have to reconcile with

her.

xoxo Carla

, " Kerrie " wrote:

My aunt has tried to tell me my nada has

> changed w/all of the cancer stuff she's been through this year and

> yet nada specifically told aunt NOT to tell me or my brother to tell

> me about her recent cancer coming out of remission and having to go

> on chemo this month.

And of course I got some sound

> spiritual advice from my confessor. He said 'look, if she'd changed

> one iota, then you'd have not found out through a third party.'