Up late and in tears

[Guest guest]

why oh why do I think 'this time will be diffent'... I know

better... I want to believe that this isn't the way it's going to be

forever, even though this is how it's been forever...

Nada's been in town for 9 days, was supposed to leave in the a.m.

but now is staying indefinately (at least another week+) because my

dad's brother had a stroke this a.m. and she's somehow insinuated

herself back in to dad's good graces as the Savior of all mankind.

She went to a family wedding this today (her ex-husbands family that

is). I couldn't go because I had a class to co-teach so I just got

off the phone with her (after 2 hours) during which time she ripped

everyone to shreds about nonsense things (wardrobe, hair, chipped

toe polish and tackiness) all this while I'm sure she played the

grand long-lost-aunt who returns from the brink of death

after 'recovering' from breast cancer (stage zero 99.7% cure rate,

no chemo, no radiation mind you...) and her 'heartless and

thoughtless daughter can't come to the wedding (mind you like she

BARELY - gasp- helped with my winter of cancer!!!) because she's

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

YY.

Then she started going after me on some stuff that she deams

important that I've warned her off before. I said, 'it's one oclock

in the morning and I'm not doing this with you right now. Please

leave it alone. " I had to repeat myself 3times. Finally she

said, 'FINE!!! " . I said, 'NO... not a huffy FINE... I'm serious...

DROP THIS NOW " . Within 3 minutes she was yawning and claiming she

had to go to bed.

Then I started crying. I want my mother to go away. I want her to

find some place else to be. Some place where she can just go do her

own thing. I don't want to be even this accessible to her (she

lives 3 hours away at present).

I feel betrayed by my dad because, supposedly he cried and begged

her to stay longer to help him out (????) cause it's his brother

(sob, sniff, sniff - as relayed by Nada) and he needs HER! Now, I

don't know if any of this is true... but it's screwing with my

head.

I need to get to bed. I have a HUGE week ahead of me and I can't be

tired. I liked it a whole lot better when I didn't have these $%@#$%

@^@$%#%@#$% emotions that sit there and look at me when they $#%@#$%

decide too... when I could just put things in nice little matching

sets of denial and shove them under the bed. Instead I SEE these

things and I FEEL these things and I HATE these things...

Nada's constant manipulations of people, her constant backstabbing

of family and friends, her constant baiting of me and my failure for

letting it get to me...

Does it ever get better?

I know I have a lot of positive thoughts that I can employ to get

through this but I can't sleep right now and I'm so tired I've lost

everyone of the helpful things...

How much more do I have to take?

Lynnette