Re: my story (cont.)

[Guest guest]

I feel very less alone now reading YOUR story of your BPD mother's

" middle of the night tirade " at your doorway. Thanks for sharing it.

How scary to be awakened to an angry mother throwing shoes at you!!

Here she let you think you were " off the hook " only to get you even

worse (while taken off-guard) later. For me, it was one of my worst

memories of my BPD stepmother. Like you, I too felt so alone -- even

though I shared a room with my twin sister.

My sister and I were 13 and were awakened in the middle of the night

to a loud emotional tirade as our stepmother opened our bedroom door

in a fit of anger. We had just moved into a new place and there were

boxes all around. While my parents were out for the evening, we had

a list of chores to do and one of the things was to put a chair that

was by the front door into the kitchen. We were also babysitting

three younger siblings. When our stepmother came to our bedroom

doorway and awakened us with her yelling, her outrage awakened our

baby half-sister who was sleeping in another room. Our stepmother went

to get her, and then returned to our doorway to finish yelling at us

-- except this time she was holding the baby and screamed and cried

along with the baby. Both my stepmother and the baby ended up looking

like the innocent victims of my sister and I. She finished her angry

tirade and left with the baby. We were left feeling sickened and

shaken. I prayed as I tried to go back sleep, wondering how much of

this would affect her mood the next day. I felt so alone, sick and

guilty. Put an innocent crying baby into the arms of a crying angry

stepmother yelling at you, and you can feel guilty for just about

anything!

[Guest guest]

---

Robyn,

What a horrific thing to live through! My nada sometimes raged well

into the night, and she woke me up to terrorize me at least once,

but I was much older. My sister and I were lucky to have each other

for support during these episodes. It must have been scary to go

thru this alone. I'm sorry you had to go thru this. Good for you

for getting away from her and protecting your son. I bet you're a

good mama. You will love the support from this group.

Joanna

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " "

wrote:

>

> Hi- I'm new to this board but not to BPD! I grew up in a single

> parent home with a BPD mother and her on again off again

boyfriend.

>

> I was a latch-key kid, as many were in the 80's and one afternoon

I

> came home and attempted to remove my shoes (because my mother

would

> literally look at the footprints in the carpet to determine

whether

> or not you had taken your shoes off at the door like she demanded,

or

> further in the house). These shoes did not come off easily, so

being

> an impatient kid, I started waving my foot around in the air to

kick

> the shoe off and the shoe went flying right into one of my

mother's

> glass serving dishes she had piled up on a shelf. The dish broke

in

> 2 pieces and my stomach instantly turned to liquid out of fear.

> After crying for 30 minutes, I carefully placed the dish pieces in

> place (so maybe she wouldn't notice)and I waited for her to come

home

> with dread.

>

> When she came home I was terrified every time she walked by the

dish.

> I imagined every horrible thing she would do when she found out- I

> knew her rage well. The stress eventually became so bad that I

broke

> down in tears and told her what I had done. She was surprisingly

> understanding saying " It's OK honey, we all make mistakes. "

(!!!) I

> was amazed and relieved and went to bed feeling comforted and

> confused. Why hadn't she blown up?

>

> Turned out, it was the quiet before the storm. That night, at

2am,

> the storm hit. When I was fast asleep, my mother slammed open my

> bedroom door and stood in the doorway with an armload of her

shoes.

> One by one she slung her shoes at me while I lay in bed screaming

and

> crying and trying to protect my head. She said she wanted me to

know

> what it felt like to be hit with shoes. She wanted to make sure I

> never " threw " my shoes again.

>

> I was 10 years old, fast asleep in my bed, and my mother thought

that

> throwing shoes at my head was a good teaching tool.

>

> I know the middle of the night rages. They happen. I remember,

but

> she does not, she denies the event. And no one but God knows that

my

> memory is true.

>

> 20 years later, in a therapist's office, I would hear the words " I

> think your mother has Borderline Personality Disorder " and my life

> changed. I have not spoken to my mother in 5 years. She does not

> know my son and she never will. I am free.

>

> Thanks for having a similar memory to mine, I felt very alone that

> night. Hearing stories like this make me feel like I was not

alone.

>

> Robyn

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you, /Lilly Blue, for your thoughts. You are right that my

dad should have stepped in. My stepmother has always been his number

one priority. In fact, just about everything that we kids have done

is evaluated and filtered through what effect it has on her. If it

effects her well, we earn invisible " points " with him. If it has a

negative effect, he is angry and stressed.

My dad has many issues of his own involving lies, deceit, and

manipulation of his children and others in his life. For one example,

when my brother worked summer jobs as a teenager, my dad took his

checks and never gave him the money. I will just say that it is hard

to deal emotionally with both my dad and stepmother at the same time.

One at a time works much better!

> >

> > I have to ask, where was your father during all of this? Did he

> think this was acceptable. I know that this is the pattern but for

> Goodness sake, a grown adult treating a child this way is inexcusable.

> >

> >

> >

> > Re: my story (cont.)

> >

> >

> >

> > I feel very less alone now reading YOUR story of your BPD mother's

> > " middle of the night tirade " at your doorway. Thanks for sharing it.

> > How scary to be awakened to an angry mother throwing shoes at you!!

> > Here she let you think you were " off the hook " only to get you even

> > worse (while taken off-guard) later.. For me, it was one of my worst

> > memories of my BPD stepmother. Like you, I too felt so alone -- even

> > though I shared a room with my twin sister.

> >

> > My sister and I were 13 and were awakened in the middle of the night

> > to a loud emotional tirade as our stepmother opened our bedroom door

> > in a fit of anger. We had just moved into a new place and there were

> > boxes all around. While my parents were out for the evening, we had

> > a list of chores to do and one of the things was to put a chair that

> > was by the front door into the kitchen. We were also babysitting

> > three younger siblings. When our stepmother came to our bedroom

> > doorway and awakened us with her yelling, her outrage awakened our

> > baby half-sister who was sleeping in another room. Our stepmother went

> > to get her, and then returned to our doorway to finish yelling at us

> > -- except this time she was holding the baby and screamed and cried

> > along with the baby. Both my stepmother and the baby ended up looking

> > like the innocent victims of my sister and I. She finished her angry

> > tirade and left with the baby. We were left feeling sickened and

> > shaken. I prayed as I tried to go back sleep, wondering how much of

> > this would affect her mood the next day. I felt so alone, sick and

> > guilty. Put an innocent crying baby into the arms of a crying angry

> > stepmother yelling at you, and you can feel guilty for just about

> > anything!

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

>

> Yeaaah. But as the parent it is his job to make sure the all of the

90% was justified and not just her popping off at vulnerable kids.

Was he getting ready for bed or was he ducking? >

=========

As the " twin sister " in ton2's story, I'd say our dad was

ducking. I think he kind of felt sorry for us on one level, but

decided we could handle it, and did not dare intervene - ever. I

think he knew that if he did not allow her to vent her drama and

emotions on us, then it could shift to him. On one occasion, my

stepmom gave me the silent treatment for a prolonged time because a

small hole was discovered in the silverware tray of the dishwasher --

and I had been the last person to load the dishwasher. My dad was

well aware of her silent treatment, and on the third morning that she

was ignoring me, he tipped me off that I should go tell her I was

sorry. So, I did. It was confounding to me that she turned it into

an emotional scene as if she needed an apology fitting for a sitution

of personal betrayal -- rather than it just being a small hole in the

silverware tray. The personal offense she had taken and the drama

that resulted were too weird for me to process in any logical way.

In another instance, I was making salad for dinner per instructions.

I was deep in thought and probably appeared glum as I prepared the

lettuce. Suddenly, she told me to " Get out of here! Go take a walk

and don't come back until your heart is changed! " Feeling like I was

in the Twilight Zone, I headed out the door and started walking. My

dad happened to drive by on his way home. He stopped and rolled down

his window and ask where I was going. I told him that I was supposed

to stay out until my heart was changed. He just told me not to stay

out long and continued on home.

My stepmom was my dad's second wife, and I think he firmly committed

himself to her, because starting over again was unthinkable to him. I

got the impression that he was determined to make the best of it.

Some years after I left home, he made the comment to me that he had

married someone who was " over-reactive, " but that this was better

than being with someone who was " under-reactive. " I got the

impression that, at some point, he had to talk himself into believing

that.

[Guest guest]

Really this is just the way a variable reinforcement schedule works.

Reinforcement is most effective when it is completely random. That

way the subject never knows when to expect the reward and will perform

the desired behavior an almost infinite number of times trying to get

it. This is just what our BPs did with those small unexpected moments

of seeming kindness/understanding/normalcy/acceptance - baited us

along so we would keep bending over backwards ad infinitum to make it

happen again. That's how our fleas get so entrenched, our behaviors

so difficult to shake off even after years of NC.

This is also why, imho, LC doesn't seem to work for most people.

There's still enough reinforcement to perpetuate the negative

behaviors in our own lives even when nada/fada isn't really doing

anything directly abusive or crazy.

>

> " So confusing. One minute she's compassionate about it. Then,

> suddenly she is hurling shoes at you. No wonder we are feeling in a

> world of chaos with these people "

>

> Cam, this struck me, this is exactly how kidnappers create stolkholm

> syndrome (I do not know how to spell that) in their victims. Abuse

and then

> occaisional unexpected kindness creates a tight bond. It's a proven

tactic,

> I believe law enforcement people are trained in it.

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

Thank you for your sweet response and support! Recalling that

experience (being ordered out the door to go take a walk, feeling so

alone, and wondering how long my stepmom would expect it to take for

my heart to " change) knowing that, in essense, I had your empathetic

support... the negative impact of that memory is weakened.

I see that you could identify with having a passive father when it

came to a failure to protect you. I had not focused in before on the

apologizing aspect, but, yes, my gosh! It's utterly sick to tell

one's innocent child to go apologize (to the very person who should

be apologizing to them)!

It's a crime that you were cheated out of what could have been one of

the most joyous moments of your life!! Announcing your engagement at

Thanksgiving with your grandparents there COULD have made such a

beautiful memory!! Instead of sharing a time of family bonding,

making your fiance feel welcomed to the family, and rightfully

celebrating the occasion... it sounded like such a deflating

experience to sit there, holding it all in -- being told to act in

denial of something exciting and precious... all to appease

the " angry god. " What twisted " white-collar " evil!

You hit the nail on the head in describing our fathers -- using us so

they are not inconvenienced and do not have to face reality.

Thank you for opening my eyes to more of what was going on, while

lending your support, and helping to further the healing process.

I am wishing you all the best on this journey -- and sending a hug in

return!

Everwaiteing

> > >

> > > Yeaaah. But as the parent it is his job to make sure the all of

> the

> > 90% was justified and not just her popping off at vulnerable

kids.

> > Was he getting ready for bed or was he ducking? >

> > =========

> >

> > As the " twin sister " in ton2's story, I'd say our dad was

> > ducking. I think he kind of felt sorry for us on one level, but

> > decided we could handle it, and did not dare intervene - ever. I

> > think he knew that if he did not allow her to vent her drama and

> > emotions on us, then it could shift to him. On one occasion, my

> > stepmom gave me the silent treatment for a prolonged time because

> a

> > small hole was discovered in the silverware tray of the

> dishwasher --

> > and I had been the last person to load the dishwasher. My dad was

> > well aware of her silent treatment, and on the third morning that

> she

> > was ignoring me, he tipped me off that I should go tell her I was

> > sorry. So, I did. It was confounding to me that she turned it

> into

> > an emotional scene as if she needed an apology fitting for a

> sitution

> > of personal betrayal -- rather than it just being a small hole in

> the

> > silverware tray. The personal offense she had taken and the drama

> > that resulted were too weird for me to process in any logical

way.

> >

> > In another instance, I was making salad for dinner per

> instructions.

> > I was deep in thought and probably appeared glum as I prepared

the

> > lettuce. Suddenly, she told me to " Get out of here! Go take a

walk

> > and don't come back until your heart is changed! " Feeling like I

> was

> > in the Twilight Zone, I headed out the door and started walking.

> My

> > dad happened to drive by on his way home. He stopped and rolled

> down

> > his window and ask where I was going. I told him that I was

> supposed

> > to stay out until my heart was changed. He just told me not to

> stay

> > out long and continued on home.

> >

> > My stepmom was my dad's second wife, and I think he firmly

> committed

> > himself to her, because starting over again was unthinkable to

> him. I

> > got the impression that he was determined to make the best of it.

> > Some years after I left home, he made the comment to me that he

> had

> > married someone who was " over-reactive, " but that this was better

> > than being with someone who was " under-reactive. " I got the

> > impression that, at some point, he had to talk himself into

> believing

> > that.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, , it's very possible that she was chronically depressed!

Thank you for this additional insight!

Everwaiteing

> >

> > Yeaaah. But as the parent it is his job to make sure the all of

the

> 90% was justified and not just her popping off at vulnerable kids.

> Was he getting ready for bed or was he ducking? >

> =========

>

> As the " twin sister " in ton2's story, I'd say our dad was

> ducking. I think he kind of felt sorry for us on one level, but

> decided we could handle it, and did not dare intervene - ever. I

> think he knew that if he did not allow her to vent her drama and

> emotions on us, then it could shift to him.. On one occasion, my

> stepmom gave me the silent treatment for a prolonged time because a

> small hole was discovered in the silverware tray of the dishwasher -

-

> and I had been the last person to load the dishwasher. My dad was

> well aware of her silent treatment, and on the third morning that

she

> was ignoring me, he tipped me off that I should go tell her I was

> sorry. So, I did. It was confounding to me that she turned it into

> an emotional scene as if she needed an apology fitting for a

sitution

> of personal betrayal -- rather than it just being a small hole in

the

> silverware tray. The personal offense she had taken and the drama

> that resulted were too weird for me to process in any logical way.

>

> In another instance, I was making salad for dinner per

instructions.

> I was deep in thought and probably appeared glum as I prepared the

> lettuce. Suddenly, she told me to " Get out of here! Go take a walk

> and don't come back until your heart is changed! " Feeling like I

was

> in the Twilight Zone, I headed out the door and started walking. My

> dad happened to drive by on his way home. He stopped and rolled

down

> his window and ask where I was going. I told him that I was

supposed

> to stay out until my heart was changed.. He just told me not to

stay

> out long and continued on home.

>

> My stepmom was my dad's second wife, and I think he firmly

committed

> himself to her, because starting over again was unthinkable to him.

I

> got the impression that he was determined to make the best of it.

> Some years after I left home, he made the comment to me that he had

> married someone who was " over-reactive, " but that this was better

> than being with someone who was " under-reactive. " I got the

> impression that, at some point, he had to talk himself into

believing

> that.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It's still kind of hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that

my dad, who I always said was a 'good dad', WAS NOT A GOOD DAD!! We

had a few good moments, but the totality of the facts were NOT in

his favor!

I was saying " But he's a good dad " after his latest antics and my

therapist barked out " NO HE'S NOT!! Why do you keep defending

him?! " It hit me between the eyes. I'd never even considered HIM!

I always blamed the " Nada the Family Nut Job " . I compartmentalized

him.

Now, I'm seeing all the times he left me to twist in the wind. It's

like the veil came off and I can see behind it. It's sad, because

he's got kindly eyes and can be funny and a gentle soul. Just as

long as I walk the line, it's OK.

Tough one to swallow, isn't it abby doo?

[hugs]

Kyla

> > > >

> > > > Yeaaah. But as the parent it is his job to make sure the all

of

> > the

> > > 90% was justified and not just her popping off at vulnerable

> kids.

> > > Was he getting ready for bed or was he ducking? >

> > > =========

> > >

> > > As the " twin sister " in ton2's story, I'd say our dad

was

> > > ducking. I think he kind of felt sorry for us on one level,

but

> > > decided we could handle it, and did not dare intervene - ever.

I

> > > think he knew that if he did not allow her to vent her drama

and

> > > emotions on us, then it could shift to him. On one occasion,

my

> > > stepmom gave me the silent treatment for a prolonged time

because

> > a

> > > small hole was discovered in the silverware tray of the

> > dishwasher --

> > > and I had been the last person to load the dishwasher. My dad

was

> > > well aware of her silent treatment, and on the third morning

that

> > she

> > > was ignoring me, he tipped me off that I should go tell her I

was

> > > sorry. So, I did. It was confounding to me that she turned

it

> > into

> > > an emotional scene as if she needed an apology fitting for a

> > sitution

> > > of personal betrayal -- rather than it just being a small hole

in

> > the

> > > silverware tray. The personal offense she had taken and the

drama

> > > that resulted were too weird for me to process in any logical

> way.

> > >

> > > In another instance, I was making salad for dinner per

> > instructions.

> > > I was deep in thought and probably appeared glum as I prepared

> the

> > > lettuce. Suddenly, she told me to " Get out of here! Go take a

> walk

> > > and don't come back until your heart is changed! " Feeling like

I

> > was

> > > in the Twilight Zone, I headed out the door and started

walking.

> > My

> > > dad happened to drive by on his way home. He stopped and

rolled

> > down

> > > his window and ask where I was going. I told him that I was

> > supposed

> > > to stay out until my heart was changed. He just told me not to

> > stay

> > > out long and continued on home.

> > >

> > > My stepmom was my dad's second wife, and I think he firmly

> > committed

> > > himself to her, because starting over again was unthinkable to

> > him. I

> > > got the impression that he was determined to make the best of

it.

> > > Some years after I left home, he made the comment to me that

he

> > had

> > > married someone who was " over-reactive, " but that this was

better

> > > than being with someone who was " under-reactive. " I got the

> > > impression that, at some point, he had to talk himself into

> > believing

> > > that.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

P.S., abby doo -- it was comforting to know I wasn't the only one

who had the same kind of " engagement announcement " fiasco. Just

another " happy announcement smackdown " , courtesy of Nada and her

staff.

{hugs}

Kyla

> > > >

> > > > Yeaaah. But as the parent it is his job to make sure the all

of

> > the

> > > 90% was justified and not just her popping off at vulnerable

> kids.

> > > Was he getting ready for bed or was he ducking? >

> > > =========

> > >

> > > As the " twin sister " in ton2's story, I'd say our dad

was

> > > ducking. I think he kind of felt sorry for us on one level,

but

> > > decided we could handle it, and did not dare intervene - ever.

I

> > > think he knew that if he did not allow her to vent her drama

and

> > > emotions on us, then it could shift to him. On one occasion,

my

> > > stepmom gave me the silent treatment for a prolonged time

because

> > a

> > > small hole was discovered in the silverware tray of the

> > dishwasher --

> > > and I had been the last person to load the dishwasher. My dad

was

> > > well aware of her silent treatment, and on the third morning

that

> > she

> > > was ignoring me, he tipped me off that I should go tell her I

was

> > > sorry. So, I did. It was confounding to me that she turned

it

> > into

> > > an emotional scene as if she needed an apology fitting for a

> > sitution

> > > of personal betrayal -- rather than it just being a small hole

in

> > the

> > > silverware tray. The personal offense she had taken and the

drama

> > > that resulted were too weird for me to process in any logical

> way.

> > >

> > > In another instance, I was making salad for dinner per

> > instructions.

> > > I was deep in thought and probably appeared glum as I prepared

> the

> > > lettuce. Suddenly, she told me to " Get out of here! Go take a

> walk

> > > and don't come back until your heart is changed! " Feeling like

I

> > was

> > > in the Twilight Zone, I headed out the door and started

walking.

> > My

> > > dad happened to drive by on his way home. He stopped and

rolled

> > down

> > > his window and ask where I was going. I told him that I was

> > supposed

> > > to stay out until my heart was changed. He just told me not to

> > stay

> > > out long and continued on home.

> > >

> > > My stepmom was my dad's second wife, and I think he firmly

> > committed

> > > himself to her, because starting over again was unthinkable to

> > him. I

> > > got the impression that he was determined to make the best of

it.

> > > Some years after I left home, he made the comment to me that

he

> > had

> > > married someone who was " over-reactive, " but that this was

better

> > > than being with someone who was " under-reactive. " I got the

> > > impression that, at some point, he had to talk himself into

> > believing

> > > that.

> > >

> >

>