Guest guest Posted November 2, 2007 Report Share Posted November 2, 2007 Welcome to the group! I am sure you will find it full of friends. Randi Kreger WTO Community Manager Coauthor, Stop Walking on Eggshells and the SWOE Workbook BPDCentral.com _______________________________________________________________ Hi, I'm new around here. I've been reading all the posts today & can't tell you all how great it is to find out after 37 years of torture that I'm not alone. I only recently realized that my mom is BPD. But for years I've been trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with her brain, why her version of reality is so twisted from everyone elses. My husband Dan was the one to suggest that she was BPD (he works with the mentally ill) & so I got the book " Understanding the Borderline Mother, " & it's changed my life! Especially the chapter on the Hermit mom, that is soooo my mom to the letter. I've had to live with my mom off & on during my adult life because I've got a chronic illness that sometimes debilitates me. About 4 years ago, I left my mom's house for good when I met Dan & we moved across country to begin our lives. She still hasn't forgiven me for this. She doesn't actually say anything, but that's how she operates. My mom THRIVES on the martyr act. Dan has never seen anything like it. My mom has no friends, zero, zip, nada. Never has, that I can recall. She has no family nearby her. Her mom lives about 300 miles away & is as abusive as they get. So mom has little human contact. She goes to the office, sits in her cubicle all day, avoiding people, then drives the 2 blocks it takes to get home & stays sequestered in her house until she has to return to work. My mom has been living like this for years. She's exremely paranoid & ruled by fear. My mom manipulates people to try to make them angry. She'll be very calm while she's doing it, saying just awful things. I realized long ago that this brings her pleasure. She wants people to hit & yell at her, then she can cry & say " see. Everyone is mean to me. Poor me. " With what I learned from the book & online, I've realized that I don't have to live with this BS anymore, so it's now all come to a head with her. She came out to my house for a visit 2 weeks ago, her first visit in over a year. The 1st night, my mom was brimming with enthusiasm, ooh & aahing over our new house, though we noticed that she didn't ask me any questions nor look at me. She stayed focus on Dan. Dan was shocked by her positiveness & I said, " watch out. It's all an act! She won't be like this tomorrow! " The next morning, Mom was now her old self, quiet, weird, negative, contrary, controlling, manipulative. And that's when the pain started. I've noticed that when I'm around my mom, all my symtpoms & more flare up (I even wound up in the emergency room on an IV during a visit to see her a few years ago. The doctor was embarrassed that he couldn't pinpoint what had happened to me, but I know I had a reaction to being around her). As the day progressed, I developed a migraine, severe abdominal cramps, joint pain & blurry vision. By nightime I was a wreck. We all went out to dinner that evening & it was hell. Mom glared at me a few times while Dan gamely tried to keep conversation flowing. Earlier that day, my mom had called her mom. After that call I'd asked how grandma was doing & my mom said, " great! She sounds like she has a lot of energy. " At dinner, Dan asked her how my grandma has been & mom replied gravely, " she's not well.... " & went on elaborating in that vain. Then my mom suddenly blurts out, over our dinner in this nice restaurant, " oh did you know that story about how my mom was married once before. To a wealthy man who swept her away to San Francisco. Then he got her drunk the day after the wedding & left town. " I looked at my mom in disgust & cried, " what??!! " Mom looked at Dan & said " she knows about it.... " dismissing me with a wave of her hand. I knew damn well that this story was false. Genealogy is hobby of mine & I'm well aware of my family's history. At that moment something snapped in me. I knew I was through with her. Dan said he saw me snap, could see the light go off. That night, as I layed on my bed crippled in pain, with still 5 more days of my mom's visit looming ahead of me, Dan said, " if you need to go, I support you. " He's the greatest man alive! It was a done deal. I packed my bag & slipped out the next morning. As I drove out of the city limits, I hadn't felt healthier, clearer, stronger in, well, ever!! I'd left her a note saying I had to leave for self preservation & that I'd contact her at a later date. Mom tried to work Dan over; she screamed, she cried, she laughed & shrugged & said " oh I want to go look at the stream " like a little girl. She interrogated him & accused him, but he stood fast. He put her on a plane the next day & drove out to join me in my impromptu trip to the shore & we wined & dined ourselves & treated ourselves to a wonderful time. Now Mom & I are struggling: I, to assert new boundaries, her to resist. But I know now that I have it in me to go NC & not feel guilty about it. The woman I'd always longed to be my mother, to give me unconditional love, support & affection, is now dead to me. Now I see her as just a very sad & disturbed woman. Thanks for sharing your stories. You're all so brave & inspirational to me. angel Re: New here, confused Dear Kalli200723 I can really relate to your experience. My mother definitely has BPD traits, and has many health problems. This is a really long post, but reading about your mom in the hospital reminded me of this story of what happened with my mom a few months ago. This June, my mom had a major back surgery that she had been putting off for a few years. We all knew before hand that the recovery was going to be long and hard, and lots of pain. Right after she had surgery, I brought her groceries to the hospital. she told me she wanted some chocolate. I brought her someMilky Way candy bars and she said " why the hell did you bring this? You know I don't like milky ways, get them the hell out of my face " . I brought her other stuff too for her...try to make her comfortable, ya know? but none of it was good enough. The next morning when i came to see her each and everyone of the milky ways candies were gone. She was in the hospital for about 4 days or so . This surgery was supposed to give her a new quality of life (after the healing was over). But she had a negative attitude about getting better. She was in pain, im pretty sure of that. But she was just awful about it. I can sympathize with people while they are hurting or sick, but it is hard to do that with someone who is so unappreciative of you. It is like nothing we do is ever enough. I did everything for her. clean, cook, laundry, shopping, EVERYTHING. she started to become more independent, and doing things on her own after a while, but complained about it like " i did laundry today all on my own, and now my back hurts so bad I can't even see straight " And then i would say " why didn't you just ask me to help you? " and she would reply " it is too much trouble for you to do it.. " and go on and on about how " alone " in this world she is. One thing about my mom, whenever she is sick in the hospital or something like that, she expects everyone to do as she says no matter what, just because she is sick. I drove her home when they released her from the hospital. I helped her up to her room. I made her comfortable. About 9pm, after my sister got home, i left to go home myself.mom seemed to be okay and she said she was comfortable and fine. When I got home, I noticed I had no groceries or anything to drink in the house (i was so busy with trying to work and be with mom in the hospital) so i went over to the grocery store. While i was checking out at the store, my sister called me and told me mom had called an ambulance, that she developed a low grade fever and all of a sudden she couldn't move. I got out of the check out line and went over to moms straight away. when i got up to her room, she glared at me with a look that was filled with anger, and hatred (the look on her face was really scary) and said " you were out with that boy, weren't you!!! how could you do that when I am sick like this!!?? " . I told her, no, i wasn't with " that boy " (who is now my fiancee), but i was at the store because i had no food or drink. She got even more angry at that, and accused me of lying. I told her to try and relax, if she was really that bad off to call an ambulance that we should be thinking about other things right now. I had never seen that much hatred and anger in my mothers eyes in all my life. She kept telling my sister and I " don't you dare come to the hospital! i'm going to tell the paramedics not to tell you which hospital they are taking me to! " . We did go to the hospital and they took her back to the trauma area. it was a terrible place. behind the curtain next to us a boy was literally dying. mom just had a low grade fever which is normal post surgery, and back pain which was also normal. she pulled off this whole ambulance thing to make sure i was close by and not out with " that boy " . We waited in the trama room for 4 hours. she got really angry at the nurses, they wouldn;t give her pain medicine for her back or anything, in fact they weren't doing anything to her because there were people dying back there and they were more of a priority than a woman with a fever and some back pain. she was infuriated. So she told me to get the car that she was leaving. she got up and walked out of the trama room at the ER and i drove her home. When we got home, i put blankets and pillows on the couch and she laid down. she said she felt TONS better all of a sudden and she slept like a baby that night. I got home at 5am, only to get up an hour or two later to go to work. I'm pretty sure she pulled all that ambulance stuff because she suspected i was spending time with someone else. I can't even go to the grocery store without getting penalized for it somehow. There are 3 or 4 things I will never forgive my mother for and that situation was one of them. She pulled something similar a few years back when she got out of the hospital for having her spleen and gallbladder removed. I drove in from 5 hours away to see her. I called her when I was leaving campus (i was in college at the time) and she said " ok, call me when you get to this point, and again when you get to another point..). I said " i am out of phone minutes and once i get out of Kentucky I have to pay extra for roaming minutes on my phone " . I was in college and didn't have a lot of money. I told her i would call only if there was something wrong. she got so angry at me over this that she just hung up on me. So there i was, driving 5 hours to see someone that just hung up on me. When i got home, she had a horrible attitude with me. a day or two later, she got even more upset, saying " ever since you've been with that boy, you haven't been the same! you don't care about me, all you care about is that boy! " (and this was 4 years ago, " that boy " was not the guy im engaged to presently). She was making herself physically ill from being so upset and yelling at me over this. she said that i should have " obeyed " her wishes when she told me to call, even if it costed me money. She kept throwing in my face that she is too sick to deal with this and shouldn't have to deal with this kind of stuff while she is sick (which is something she does currently). After that, she kept putting off her back surgery because she claimed that she couldn't rely on her kids to do what she tells us to and to help her when she needs it. That is why it took so long for her to have the back surgery. Man, I didn't mean to make this post so long. I just started typing and more came out than i intended. in other words, BPD parents think the world (including their adult children) should ALWAYS revolve around them no matter what, but especially if they are sick. I resent my mom not for being " sick " , but for the way she treats the only 2 people that are helping her out in this world....the only 2 people that love her no matter what, the only 2 people that would do anything for her...her daughters. > > Hi all, > > I just joined the group today. I hope it's okay if I share what's going on like this. I just > don't feel like anyone else can understand what is going on and tell me if I am crazy or a > bad person or not, because I don't know what normal is. > > A couple of years ago, my therapist (the first one I've been to) told me that what I > described about my mother sounded like BPD. I read stuff about BPD online and it seemed > to fit, but I put it aside, thinking I didn't have to deal with it and that if I just went along, > smoothing things over with my mom and apologizing so that things would go back to > " normal " after I disappointed her, it would be easier. > > Fast forward to now. My mom has had a lot of hip and back problems for a few years and > has required me to help her with a lot of different things -- all kinds of shopping, heavy > and light cleaning, driving her places, spending time with her when she felt bad, helping > her with money, etc . Doing these things for her was not strange to me because I have > always had to help her with these kind of things, ever since I was 8 years old -- because > she was an alcholic on and off, or had anxiety disorders, or was depressed, and there was > no father around and I had no siblings. If I didn't help her however she asked, she would > either scream at me at the top of her lungs, or guilt-trip me: " You can't even do that? My > god, after all I've done for you. Pathetic. " . She would alternately heap loving praise on me > and then tell me I was worthless. When I was overweight as a child, she would walk in on > me when I was dressing or in the bathroom and make comments about like " Wow, so > those are what " thunder-thighs " look like. " When she was an alcholic, she couldn't drive > me to school, so I dropped out in 6th grade. My grandmother helped me get my GED when > I was old enough to do that. > > Since I wasn't in school, and didn't live in a neighborhood with other kids, I didn't really > have any friends. When I did make friends later on, I tried not to bring them around the > house at all because she would ask them to do things for her, and if they didn't, tell me > how worthless they were and how they were bad friends and only used me. It was also > difficult to bring friends over because the house we lived in was absolutley filthy. I just got > used to it and didn't really know what to do because it was so dirty. My mom always > blamed me for the mess, screaming at me non-stop about it. I finally realized weeks ago > that ever since I stopped living with my mom, I keep my living area clean, and my mom's > house is still filthy. > > When I wanted to move out of the house when I was 20, it was a major problem for her. > She screamed at me non-stop, telling me I'd only be able to live in a " sh*t-hole " , that > children from other cultures live with their parents and help them with family expenses, > etc. Thankfully, I had friends who supported me, and I did move out. > > Ever since I've moved out, I've had to go to her house and clean up for her, or do > shopping, or things like that. Every time I talk to her or see her she asks me to do > something for her, from scrubbing her outside picnic table down with bleach to scrubbing > her kitchen floor. > > Anyway, back to what's happening now, my mom was finally able to have the surgery she > needed to help solve her physical problems. Since she lives two hours away from the > hospital, this meant me driving her back and forth to and from various appointments at > the hospital. After only a few trips I thought I would lose it. My mom is diagnosed with > anxiety disorder of some kind (and has also been disagnosed with bi-polar disorder) and > her anxiety level on these trips was 10 on a scale of 1-10. She would scream and grab the > dashboard while I was driving, or scream about how we were going to be late, or what I > was doing wrong. > > I didn't handle this well, and I would tell her to shut up, I just couldn't take it anymore. I > would shut down, it was awful. She would be in a rage and talk about how awful people > were and how evil they were, and be so negative I thought I just couldn't take it. > > I couldn't drive her to the hospital the morning of her surgery because I was sick with the > flu and besides that I couldn't get her sick right before her surgery, but she was in a hotel > near the hospital and took a cab to the hospital. At the hospital she fell down in the > bathroom. She was OK but when she called me she told me that if I had been there she > wouldn't have fallen. > > While my mom was in the hospital doing physical therapy and rehab after her surgery, she > started receiving the support of people she knew and family and the nurses, and she felt > really cared for by a lot of people, and I was really happy for her. But at the same time, the > more she felt like other people were taking care of her, sending her flowers, calling her > multiple times a day, etc. the more she made little comments to me about how I wasn't > doing that much for her. She would call me, full of anxiety and almost hysterical, about > how I had to do this or that. Or, she would call me, and tell me " Now here's what you're > going to do to get me home. " She had been really negative about her recovery and > complaining that she always felt like she was going to hurt herself while walking around, > and that her pain was awful, and my car was too uncomfortable for her to sit in, so I would > have to rent a car to drive her home, etc. > > I for it, or how much it would > cost if it didn't, etc. When I told her I was doing this she became hysterical and said " What! > We had a plan! We decided! What is so wrong? Why is everything so hard with you? " . I tried > to tell her I was just figuring out the options but she was already so upset. > > She called various family member and friends and told them about how awful I was. They > agreed to pay for her transport. After this, she was ice cold to me for days. > > Now she's home. I talked to her on the phone last night and she was friendly, and then > said, " We're not going to have you do too much cleaning this weekend, but if you could > scrub down the picnic table with bleach, that'd be great. " I told her that I really needed a > weekend off from doing stuff like that and that I needed to make dinner and would call her > tomorrow, and we hung up. > > Then this morning I received emails from her that say things like: > > " Nothing has been demanded of you. That's all in your own mind. " > > " If only you knew how afraid I am -- and have been for some time -- to > ask anything of you because your reactions are so emotional, and > everything is such a big deal. " > > " You have been great many times -- many, many times! and I'm so very, > very grateful -- but, compared to what I have seen other family > members do for others at the hospital, you've had it pretty easy. " > > " I've learned a lot from this experience. And it BROKE MY HEART -- but > only the nurses and doctors at the hospital know how incredibly, > terribly sad I was and comforted me. " > > " I couldn't eat for nearly two days, and I lost my desire to do > anything or get better. Thank god that the family members came through > for me in helping me get home, and were so glad to help. " > > " I'm still your mother and will always be your mother. But I'm wary > now. And it makes me incredibly sad. That's life. Lesson learned. " > > " That you chose to react like this while I was still in the hospital is > utterly shocking to me, and shocking to others. It could have, and > should have, waited. But so be it. Like I said, lesson learned. " > > And now I feel like my heart is broken. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I am a > bad person or not. I don't know if I could have done more or should have done more or > not. I don't know if I should apologize and beg for forgiveness from her or if she is > manipulating me and asking for so much more beyond what a mother should ask of from > her daughter. > > For years I saw my mother treat a family member or friend as an amazing, valued person > and then turn on them and say they were evil and abusive and awful. Now I think I am that > person and I wonder if my mother ever really loved me or if I just gave in to her every time > and did what she wanted and that is why she was nice to me when she was. > > I am sorry this is so long. I just don't know who else to talk to. I don't think anyone else I > know can understand. Most other people seem to think I am an awful person for not > helping my mother more. > > Thank you for reading this. > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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