Guest guest Posted December 12, 2007 Report Share Posted December 12, 2007 Hey drlingirl, The holidays are rough, and self-doubt comes with the territory. My approach has been to ask myself " What would I be saying if I re- entered the relationship right now? " I don't recall where you left things with your nada, but usually there's some breaking point, some situation that you find intolerable and unreconcilable (not sure that's a word but you catch my drift). So re-entering the relationship would be saying a. you can tolerate the situation after all, or b. reconciliation isn't necessary. Unfortunately, with BPD, reconciliation often isn't possible. So I guess it depends on what you're willing to tolerate. I too wasn't beaten (save for spankings and getting slapped across the face once), I was fed and clothed, and by all external measures had what appeared to be a pretty decent upbringing. But I was repeatedly cut down, humiliated, demeaned, and not allowed to express any independent thoughts. I can't change that now. But I've made a decision that I'm not willing to tolerate that anymore, especially now that I've discovered she's been doing that to my kids. Don't know if that helps, but I find it useful to remind myself of the message I'd be sending if we reconnected. > > So just when I am feeling pretty good about going NC with my nada... > (since Aug)....I feel sick again. My eye is twitching, my gut is > wrenched, my anxiety is up. What the heck is going on here??? > > I know if I go back in now.....I will never hear the end of it and I > will only have caved in. It will literally be brought up at every > Foo function from now until eternity!!! > > I have been having self doubt too. I feel as if I am being cursed > or there is a voo-doo doll with my name on it and she is pinning > away at me. I literally have to talk myself off of the ceiling and > comfort myself to sleep at night with constant prayer, and try > really hard to not let thoughts of her seep in. I wonder and > thinking to myself......does she really has BPD??? And if she does I > keep thinking....maybe she isn't that bad. I didn't get beat, she > fed and clothed me. Doubt, doubt, doubt......I don't know if I can > live with this doubt??? > > And to top it off she called my dad today and asked that he deliver > presents to us......when my sister lives a stones throw away and is > capable of getting presents to our father to deliver to us. They > have been divorced 20+ years, he wants nothing to do with her > normally, but because she sounded so pathetic he agreed. He did say > that he was able to cut her off mid complaining about " the > situation " . I am grateful for that, but then I think he should have > said NO to any of it.........urgh!!! So once again I am feeling > guilty, that because I am NC with her, now my dad feels > obligated to deliver gifts to us from her. > > I can't win for nothing, damned if I do, damned if I don't. Maybe > she is right.... " I just have to accept her because she is not > perfect " and " because she accepted her mother " ......blah, blah, > blah. > > Please help me off this ledge.......any advise would be > great......drlingirl > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 12, 2007 Report Share Posted December 12, 2007 my parents have been divorced for 15 years, but whether or not my mom ever admits it to herself, my dad is the only person she has that she can really count on. i wouldn't feel bad about your dad's involvement. it's his choice. you can accept your mom. it's not that hard. i've accepted my mom, too. i accept her as a person who is very concerned with herself, thinks she's stupid, doesn't apologize because she's never wrong, can't be trusted with personal information, doesn't remember 3/4 of the stuff i do, and cooks really well. it's probably not the kind of acceptance your sister is talking about, but it works for me. i feel kind of bad because in the last 3 years, i have completely reorganized the holidays. i just got sick of getting put on guilt trips so i've all but forbade my mom from having events at her house because she always always ALWAYS schedules them during events that have happened at the same time for 20+ years. so, with the battle cry of, " BE A FAMILY!!!!!!!! " i even embarrassed my mom into behaving (when she gets in a mood, shouting this at her in grocery stores when she starts complaining is hilarious and effective). basically " BEING A FAMILY " means that we cart mom along to all my dad's family stuff. i know my dad feels like this is an imposition, but i'm like, hey dad, what do YOU suggest? . and then he's all, yeah...bring her along my sister is kind of snitty about the whole thing. she says, " you're just trying to make the holidays the easiest for you. " ummm...YEAH! that's the entire point! of course, i just scream, BE A FAMILY!!!!!!! i've never understood the idea that " enduring " a holiday is better than ENJOYING it. ahhh...calling a spade a spade one family member at a time. bink > > So just when I am feeling pretty good about going NC with my nada... > (since Aug)....I feel sick again. My eye is twitching, my gut is > wrenched, my anxiety is up. What the heck is going on here??? > > I know if I go back in now.....I will never hear the end of it and I > will only have caved in. It will literally be brought up at every > Foo function from now until eternity!!! > > I have been having self doubt too. I feel as if I am being cursed > or there is a voo-doo doll with my name on it and she is pinning > away at me. I literally have to talk myself off of the ceiling and > comfort myself to sleep at night with constant prayer, and try > really hard to not let thoughts of her seep in. I wonder and > thinking to myself......does she really has BPD??? And if she does I > keep thinking....maybe she isn't that bad. I didn't get beat, she > fed and clothed me. Doubt, doubt, doubt......I don't know if I can > live with this doubt??? > > And to top it off she called my dad today and asked that he deliver > presents to us......when my sister lives a stones throw away and is > capable of getting presents to our father to deliver to us. They > have been divorced 20+ years, he wants nothing to do with her > normally, but because she sounded so pathetic he agreed. He did say > that he was able to cut her off mid complaining about " the > situation " . I am grateful for that, but then I think he should have > said NO to any of it.........urgh!!! So once again I am feeling > guilty, that because I am NC with her, now my dad feels > obligated to deliver gifts to us from her. > > I can't win for nothing, damned if I do, damned if I don't. Maybe > she is right.... " I just have to accept her because she is not > perfect " and " because she accepted her mother " ......blah, blah, > blah. > > Please help me off this ledge.......any advise would be > great......drlingirl > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 12, 2007 Report Share Posted December 12, 2007 My nada put the screws to my father, and left him flat out broke in the divorce. She, the queen, got a house, car, money, stuff, free and clear, not to mention, a huge monthly check, and balloon payments, stocks and bonds (which she brags about constantly) She even got child support for my sister...when I was still a minor living with dad. Should have been a wash.....but no....she got her cake and ate it too. They don't have a relationship that she can just call him. There usually is a family " crisis " with us " girls " and she needs to dump her side on him. This is all too calculated on her part. It is his choice, and feeds the rescuer in him. Too bad it just makes me sick!!! My nada is a good cook too........when she isn't serving freezer burnt food, that she has been hoarding for years, that she got on clearance, in the freezer ;0) She demanded Christmas eve after the divorce.....they are filled with her drunk friends, food, and a very fake sense of family. We quit going years ago, and after she got drunk and accused the kids of not being excited enough, or thankful enough, after receiving their gifts from her. Even though they HAD said thank you (and she would have know this if she was sober)and were laughing and playing with them WHILE she was having her " fit " . Who does this??? A BPD??? This AND she denies having had or has a drinking problem!!! Thanks blink.....drlingirl > > > > So just when I am feeling pretty good about going NC with my nada... > > (since Aug)....I feel sick again. My eye is twitching, my gut is > > wrenched, my anxiety is up. What the heck is going on here??? > > > > I know if I go back in now.....I will never hear the end of it and I > > will only have caved in. It will literally be brought up at every > > Foo function from now until eternity!!! > > > > I have been having self doubt too. I feel as if I am being cursed > > or there is a voo-doo doll with my name on it and she is pinning > > away at me. I literally have to talk myself off of the ceiling and > > comfort myself to sleep at night with constant prayer, and try > > really hard to not let thoughts of her seep in. I wonder and > > thinking to myself......does she really has BPD??? And if she does I > > keep thinking....maybe she isn't that bad. I didn't get beat, she > > fed and clothed me. Doubt, doubt, doubt......I don't know if I can > > live with this doubt??? > > > > And to top it off she called my dad today and asked that he deliver > > presents to us......when my sister lives a stones throw away and is > > capable of getting presents to our father to deliver to us. They > > have been divorced 20+ years, he wants nothing to do with her > > normally, but because she sounded so pathetic he agreed. He did say > > that he was able to cut her off mid complaining about " the > > situation " . I am grateful for that, but then I think he should have > > said NO to any of it.........urgh!!! So once again I am feeling > > guilty, that because I am NC with her, now my dad feels > > obligated to deliver gifts to us from her. > > > > I can't win for nothing, damned if I do, damned if I don't. Maybe > > she is right.... " I just have to accept her because she is not > > perfect " and " because she accepted her mother " ......blah, blah, > > blah. > > > > Please help me off this ledge.......any advise would be > > great......drlingirl > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 12, 2007 Report Share Posted December 12, 2007 Man, that's when it would be convenient to have BPD when you needed to put the screw on someone in a divorce and take it all! Unfortunately, non bpd's are too often nice, caring people who worry more about the other person than they should. > > > > > > So just when I am feeling pretty good about going NC with my > nada... > > > (since Aug)....I feel sick again. My eye is twitching, my gut > is > > > wrenched, my anxiety is up. What the heck is going on here??? > > > > > > I know if I go back in now.....I will never hear the end of it > and I > > > will only have caved in. It will literally be brought up at > every > > > Foo function from now until eternity!!! > > > > > > I have been having self doubt too. I feel as if I am being > cursed > > > or there is a voo-doo doll with my name on it and she is pinning > > > away at me. I literally have to talk myself off of the ceiling > and > > > comfort myself to sleep at night with constant prayer, and try > > > really hard to not let thoughts of her seep in. I wonder and > > > thinking to myself......does she really has BPD??? And if she > does I > > > keep thinking....maybe she isn't that bad. I didn't get beat, > she > > > fed and clothed me. Doubt, doubt, doubt......I don't know if I > can > > > live with this doubt??? > > > > > > And to top it off she called my dad today and asked that he > deliver > > > presents to us......when my sister lives a stones throw away and > is > > > capable of getting presents to our father to deliver to us. > They > > > have been divorced 20+ years, he wants nothing to do with her > > > normally, but because she sounded so pathetic he agreed. He did > say > > > that he was able to cut her off mid complaining about " the > > > situation " . I am grateful for that, but then I think he should > have > > > said NO to any of it.........urgh!!! So once again I am feeling > > > guilty, that because I am NC with her, now my dad feels > > > obligated to deliver gifts to us from her. > > > > > > I can't win for nothing, damned if I do, damned if I don't. > Maybe > > > she is right.... " I just have to accept her because she is not > > > perfect " and " because she accepted her mother " ......blah, blah, > > > blah. > > > > > > Please help me off this ledge.......any advise would be > > > great......drlingirl > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2007 Report Share Posted December 16, 2007 Drlinggirl, You obviously cannot tell your dad to stop when he allows her to manipulate him but have you told him ...in the terms that you used to tell us ...how it makes you feel? Dad may be under the misconception that he is protecting you. Many dads allow nadas to take them to the cleaners in their own way to protect the kids. My dad refuses to speak to nada, even though she has done everything she can to insinuate herself into his life at the fringes. She " helps " my stepmother get jobs, Often with her. Ugh. She even tried to get my stepmother to come to church with her. She likes to tell herself and everyone that she is being a good christian and harbors no ill will against my dad. Uh, weren't you the one that left dad for another man? grrrrrr! All she wants to do is keep her nose in my dads business. Ever since I called her on it she does not mention it too much. Told her...you can tell everyone else yours cock and bull story but you and I both know it is a load of bullsh*t!!! Nadas interfering in our dad/their ex-husbands lives is a sore spot for me too. xoxo Carla Go get a massage girl. you deserve it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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