Guest guest Posted December 10, 2007 Report Share Posted December 10, 2007 This is not a matter of giving up on 'them', what will help you - IMO - is to give up on the fantasy of having normal relationships with nada and enmeshed brothers. Give up on the fantasy - look the truth squarely in the face and accept and deal with it. 'The truth shall set you free', and you can then go and live your life as you want to, no longer hindered by wishes that cannot come true. Sylvia > > .......> I know my only solution may be too go no or low contact. I want my > family's love in a healthy way, but I guess I'm just not going to get > it. It's so depressing to just give up on them, but if I don't it > seems like I'm subjecting myself to constant disappointment. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 10, 2007 Report Share Posted December 10, 2007 I know how you feel, while my little bro isn't emmeshed, he mostly ignores Nada, he too will say she is off but then deny how bad she is. I have learned not to say too much about it to him, and while I would like him to see what I do, I have realized it is not important to our relationship. Sometimes I feel it is easier to be secure in what I know she is and not have to convince him of it. Last week she was acting particularly crazy when neither of us answered our phones (on a friday night at 9 pm) I have learned to ignore while bro has not so he called her back at 11 that night and had to listen to her whining. While I would have loved to tell him I knew that was going to happen and purposely didn't call back for 2 days, it was just easier to say 'yeah that sucks' Then this week he said something about her and I opened up to him that I don't have any feelings for her and the only reason I talk to her is because I can't take the guilt of not talking to her (tried it for 6 months and it was too much for me) He spent a half hour trying to convince me that I talk to her because I love her, which I am finally ok saying No I do not. I am tired of being grateful that she did the things a parent is supposed to do and ignoring all the emotional abuse she doled out with it. Anyway my point is, my brother and I both know Nada sucks, so I don't see any point talking to him about it any more. It is much more enjoyable to talk about our own interesting and fun lives, Good Luck. L > > I know my only solution may be too go no or low contact. I want my > family's love in a healthy way, but I guess I'm just not going to get > it. It's so depressing to just give up on them, but if I don't it > seems like I'm subjecting myself to constant disappointment. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 11, 2007 Report Share Posted December 11, 2007 It's amazing to me, as a new person here, that you are all saying exactly what I have felt. I too took a trip home two weeks ago, had a bad incident with my nada, and when I tried to talk about it with my brother, he was in denial. I too have been told that they are both afraid to talk to me in case I react badly. I have been made out to be the " bad " one. I feel for you, I really do! I know how this feels. I have, through excellent therapy, detached myself to some extent, but it is really hard giving up on that expectation of " normal " love from one's family, to give up on the expectation of " family " from family. I find it so hard to be around other people who do have true " families " , I get quite upset and jealous. I also have no desire to have my own children, because I never want to do to them what my nada has done to me. I have a new therapist now, I am hoping that she will help. I feel for you, maternally detached. I think we all do. titania > > A recent trip " home " highlighted to me how how impossible my > situation is - I would appreciate hearing your thoughts. > > Point 1 - nada is crazy and does not evenly remotely act like a > loving mother. > > Point 2 - three older brothers occassionally admit that she is " off " , > but in general are in total denial about her condition. > > Point 3 - when I mention that she treats me badly, I'm blamed for the > problem. > > A recent example, in discussing with enmeshed bro no. 3 that nada > acted badly when I was married, he defended her by saying that they > were " afraid of me " . He didn't explain where that fear came from but > the implication was that I was so horrible that they were afraid of > provoking a reaction in me. The irony here is that he describes how > nada behaves, not how I behave. > > I mentioned to bro 2 that in my two visits to nada I didn't have a > normal conversation with her or that she didn't seem interested in my > life. He defended her by saying that she has a lot going on (which > isn't true). > > Bro 1 hosted Thanksgiving which included my in laws. But he hadn't > cleaned his house beforehand so I wound up cleaning for 12 hours so > that he could host a three hour party. This is two days after I had > flown 6,000 miles to be there. He is also a severe alcoholic and is > in deep denial about his problem. On the drive up to his place he > tricked me into wine tasting even though I have quit drinking. > > > I'm really frustrated because I love my brothers and would like to > continue to have a relationship with them. It seems that the terms I > have to subject myself to is to accept their dysfunction and their > bad treatment of me. If I try to address family problems or > encourage a healthier dynamic, I'm called a bitch and blamed for the > problem. > > I know my only solution may be too go no or low contact. I want my > family's love in a healthy way, but I guess I'm just not going to get > it. It's so depressing to just give up on them, but if I don't it > seems like I'm subjecting myself to constant disappointment. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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