Re: Afraid to Forgive. Anyone else?

[Guest guest]

thanks, Rhyonnan,

The book I was talking about is the 1st of a series of 3. I believe

the last one does talk about how he forgave...in fact I was reading

an interview that he did with metroactive.com, and this is what it

said:

"

One of the extraordinary things that Pelzer has done is to

forgive his mother, who has since died. Why did he forgive? "

" If it doesn't stop with me, right now, what happens to my son? " he

asks intently. " If I don't forgive my mom, I'm just as guilty as

she. My grandmother never forgave her father; my mother never

forgave my grandmother; it's got to stop with me. Period. Because if

I carry around all of this hate and baggage, it's going to destroy

me, my wife, and son. " .

My therapist didn't want me to read this to prove that I wasn't the

most unlucky kid, She wanted me to see how someone else was able to

get through, live a normal life, and provide a normal life for his

own family when he got older. Without " forgiving " and letting go, it

may not have been possible for him to feel normal.

He mentioned somewhere else I read that the anger and emotion that

he felt toward his mom made him feel that his mom still had a hold

on him. in order to sever that hold, he had to let it all go

somehow.

you are right, there is a difference between forgiveness and moving

on. i feel like I've moved on, but I'm still angry. I think after i

get through this anger phase, that forgiveness will be possible.

Forgiveness is different for everyone i think. but for me, the only

way to get rid of these bitter feelings is to forgive.

Thanks for your reply. Your fransiscan nun therapist seems pretty

neat. It is nice that she can see things not just through the

biblical sense, but also in a way that practically applies to our

lives.

Thanks, Sara Jo

> >

> > Yesterday I was talking to my therapist about the anger I've

been

> > feeling lately, concerning my NADA and what she's done to the

> > family. I've been so angry that the hightened emotion has

actually

> > been causing me to feel great anxiety. My therapist told me the

> only

> > way I'm ever going to get over this and feel ok is through

> > FORGIVENESS!

> >

> > I never thought of it this way. I know I've moved to the

acceptance

> > starge, where I've accepted the fact that NADA will never

change.

> > But I was left dangling there at that thought. It never occured

to

> > me that forgiveness is the next step!

> >

> > For some reason, it is scary for me to forgive. I'm afraid if i

> > forgive, I will forget, not just the bad stuff, but the few good

> > things, too. I'm afraid that if i forgive, that letting that all

go

> > will make me feel vulnerable again. Sometimes having the anger

> > toward NADA gives me drive to succeed and be independent in my

> life.

> > does that sound crazy or what?

> >

> > I'm afraid to let it all go.

> >

> > My therapist told me to read Pelzer's " A Boy Called IT " .

It

> is

> > the first of 3 books Pelzer wrote about the abuse he

recieved

> > as a child, and how he came out of it.

> > I bought it yesterday at the used bookstore (it was only $5) and

> > finished it in just a couple hours. Maybe less (it's less than

200

> > pages). That was a difficult read. It was hard to stomach. But I

> can

> > see why my therapist wanted me to read it. Even though the

> > experiences of this young boy aren't the same as mine, and all

the

> > abuse wasn't the same, some thinking patterns are similar, some

> > things are similar. I'm going to buy the other 2 books today.

> >

> > Have any of you read it?

> >

> > Anyways, I was wondering if any of you have experienced this

fear

> of

> > forgiveness I have.

> >

> > It has always been difficult for me to forgive people in

general. I

> > wish i wasn't so hardened.

> > ~Sara Jo

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Kyla...you put that really well. Letting go without revenge.

Revenge is a completely different topic! hah.

i think what i feel isn't the desire for revenge, but the desire to

make my " innocence " known.

I feel that I've been accused of a crime i dind't do and punished

for it by having my mother and my WHOLE family hate me and write me

off the family tree. I'm paying the price for declaring my self

respect, dignity and independence. To be heard and believed would be

what would make me feel better. but i need to give that dream up

too. it will never happen. But revenge, as in doing something just

as equally terrible to her, is something I don't feel.

~Sara Jo

> >

> > Yesterday I was talking to my therapist about the anger I've

been

> > feeling lately, concerning my NADA and what she's done to the

> > family. I've been so angry that the hightened emotion has

actually

> > been causing me to feel great anxiety. My therapist told me the

> only

> > way I'm ever going to get over this and feel ok is through

> > FORGIVENESS!

> >

> > I never thought of it this way. I know I've moved to the

> acceptance

> > starge, where I've accepted the fact that NADA will never

change.

> > But I was left dangling there at that thought. It never occured

to

> > me that forgiveness is the next step!

> >

> > For some reason, it is scary for me to forgive. I'm afraid if i

> > forgive, I will forget, not just the bad stuff, but the few good

> > things, too. I'm afraid that if i forgive, that letting that all

> go

> > will make me feel vulnerable again. Sometimes having the anger

> > toward NADA gives me drive to succeed and be independent in my

> life.

> > does that sound crazy or what?

> >

> > I'm afraid to let it all go.

> >

> > My therapist told me to read Pelzer's " A Boy Called IT " .

It

> is

> > the first of 3 books Pelzer wrote about the abuse he

> recieved

> > as a child, and how he came out of it.

> > I bought it yesterday at the used bookstore (it was only $5) and

> > finished it in just a couple hours. Maybe less (it's less than

200

> > pages). That was a difficult read. It was hard to stomach. But I

> can

> > see why my therapist wanted me to read it. Even though the

> > experiences of this young boy aren't the same as mine, and all

the

> > abuse wasn't the same, some thinking patterns are similar, some

> > things are similar. I'm going to buy the other 2 books today.

> >

> > Have any of you read it?

> >

> > Anyways, I was wondering if any of you have experienced this

fear

> of

> > forgiveness I have.

> >

> > It has always been difficult for me to forgive people in

general.

> I

> > wish i wasn't so hardened.

> > ~Sara Jo

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, unfortunately, by standing up for the truth, you see who is

still in the " fog " of lies. It hurts, no doubt about it. I find

myself in the same position. Painted as the villain, while she gets

to be the poor, pitiful, waif-victim. It's sad, but there's nothing

we can do about it, except continue to stick with the truth.

But for now, it hurts, and we understand.

{hugs}

K.

> > >

> > > Yesterday I was talking to my therapist about the anger I've

> been

> > > feeling lately, concerning my NADA and what she's done to the

> > > family. I've been so angry that the hightened emotion has

> actually

> > > been causing me to feel great anxiety. My therapist told me

the

> > only

> > > way I'm ever going to get over this and feel ok is through

> > > FORGIVENESS!

> > >

> > > I never thought of it this way. I know I've moved to the

> > acceptance

> > > starge, where I've accepted the fact that NADA will never

> change.

> > > But I was left dangling there at that thought. It never

occured

> to

> > > me that forgiveness is the next step!

> > >

> > > For some reason, it is scary for me to forgive. I'm afraid if

i

> > > forgive, I will forget, not just the bad stuff, but the few

good

> > > things, too. I'm afraid that if i forgive, that letting that

all

> > go

> > > will make me feel vulnerable again. Sometimes having the anger

> > > toward NADA gives me drive to succeed and be independent in my

> > life.

> > > does that sound crazy or what?

> > >

> > > I'm afraid to let it all go.

> > >

> > > My therapist told me to read Pelzer's " A Boy Called IT " .

> It

> > is

> > > the first of 3 books Pelzer wrote about the abuse he

> > recieved

> > > as a child, and how he came out of it.

> > > I bought it yesterday at the used bookstore (it was only $5)

and

> > > finished it in just a couple hours. Maybe less (it's less than

> 200

> > > pages). That was a difficult read. It was hard to stomach. But

I

> > can

> > > see why my therapist wanted me to read it. Even though the

> > > experiences of this young boy aren't the same as mine, and all

> the

> > > abuse wasn't the same, some thinking patterns are similar,

some

> > > things are similar. I'm going to buy the other 2 books today.

> > >

> > > Have any of you read it?

> > >

> > > Anyways, I was wondering if any of you have experienced this

> fear

> > of

> > > forgiveness I have.

> > >

> > > It has always been difficult for me to forgive people in

> general.

> > I

> > > wish i wasn't so hardened.

> > > ~Sara Jo

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Girlscout -- thanks for that tip! Going to dig out my copy and find

that chapter!

{hugs}

Kyla

> > >

> > > Yesterday I was talking to my therapist about the anger I've

been

> > > feeling lately, concerning my NADA and what she's done to the

> > > family. I've been so angry that the hightened emotion has

actually

> > > been causing me to feel great anxiety. My therapist told me the

> > only

> > > way I'm ever going to get over this and feel ok is through

> > > FORGIVENESS!

> > >

> > > I never thought of it this way. I know I've moved to the

acceptance

> > > starge, where I've accepted the fact that NADA will never

change.

> > > But I was left dangling there at that thought. It never

occured to

> > > me that forgiveness is the next step!

> > >

> > > For some reason, it is scary for me to forgive. I'm afraid if i

> > > forgive, I will forget, not just the bad stuff, but the few

good

> > > things, too. I'm afraid that if i forgive, that letting that

all go

> > > will make me feel vulnerable again. Sometimes having the anger

> > > toward NADA gives me drive to succeed and be independent in my

> > life.

> > > does that sound crazy or what?

> > >

> > > I'm afraid to let it all go.

> > >

> > > My therapist told me to read Pelzer's " A Boy Called IT " .

It

> > is

> > > the first of 3 books Pelzer wrote about the abuse he

recieved

> > > as a child, and how he came out of it.

> > > I bought it yesterday at the used bookstore (it was only $5)

and

> > > finished it in just a couple hours. Maybe less (it's less than

200

> > > pages). That was a difficult read. It was hard to stomach. But

I

> > can

> > > see why my therapist wanted me to read it. Even though the

> > > experiences of this young boy aren't the same as mine, and all

the

> > > abuse wasn't the same, some thinking patterns are similar, some

> > > things are similar. I'm going to buy the other 2 books today.

> > >

> > > Have any of you read it?

> > >

> > > Anyways, I was wondering if any of you have experienced this

fear

> > of

> > > forgiveness I have.

> > >

> > > It has always been difficult for me to forgive people in

general. I

> > > wish i wasn't so hardened.

> > > ~Sara Jo

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

when i was in high school, after taking enough crap from someone, i

would eventually just stop being around them and basically cut them

out of my life. i think this scared the crap out of my mom and she

was always like, " you need to learn to forgive people. " (nevermind

the fact that she cut people out of her life for stupid crap all the

time).

so i felt like a jerk for not being a forgiving person until i saw an

episode of oprah when i was 18. they're talking about forgiveness and

all it's goodness and freeing qualities, but then oprah said, " but

sometimes you don't have to forgive. "

i was like, waHUH?!?! oprah says it's okay not to forgive? i don't

even watch the show (my roommates actually banned me from oprah

because i would get so pissed off at people who were doing things to

themselves that were obviously completely within their control but

were ruining their lives and the lives of their families...then i

would scream at the tv. my early form of therapy hehehe).

so these are my policies on forgiveness:

1. if i do not remember, i will not forgive.

the shit that happened that i can't recall is not stuff that i'm going

to forgive anyone for. i know factually that stuff happened, but my

brain can't even recall it, so there's no way in hell i'm letting

anyone off the hook for that.

2. if i forgive, i will never forget.

i say, you know what? i am an adult and i put myself in a position to

rely on someone who was unreliable. i don't have to keep being angry

at this person, and i don't have to keep being angry with myself for

feeling like a victim. i just need to NEVER PUT MYSELF IN A POSITION

WHERE I NEED THEM AGAIN. period. i don't like feeling like a victim

and i will go to great lengths to avoid it. forgiveness is not an

all-access pass to my psyche. just because i forgive someone does not

mean i will ever trust them again. i trust people to be themselves,

and if one of their tendencies is to try and screw me over, then i

won't keep them in my life unless i know damn well that i can maintain

a relationship with them where they will never have the opportunity to

screw me over.

so, i guess i look at forgiveness as getting to know myself, what i'm

capable of, and what i am willing to tolerate. it has a lot less to

do with the offending party and a lot to do with me.

bink

> >

> > Yesterday I was talking to my therapist about the anger I've been

> > feeling lately, concerning my NADA and what she's done to the

> > family. I've been so angry that the hightened emotion has actually

> > been causing me to feel great anxiety. My therapist told me the

> only

> > way I'm ever going to get over this and feel ok is through

> > FORGIVENESS!

> >

> > I never thought of it this way. I know I've moved to the acceptance

> > starge, where I've accepted the fact that NADA will never change.

> > But I was left dangling there at that thought. It never occured to

> > me that forgiveness is the next step!

> >

> > For some reason, it is scary for me to forgive. I'm afraid if i

> > forgive, I will forget, not just the bad stuff, but the few good

> > things, too. I'm afraid that if i forgive, that letting that all go

> > will make me feel vulnerable again. Sometimes having the anger

> > toward NADA gives me drive to succeed and be independent in my

> life.

> > does that sound crazy or what?

> >

> > I'm afraid to let it all go.

> >

> > My therapist told me to read Pelzer's " A Boy Called IT " . It

> is

> > the first of 3 books Pelzer wrote about the abuse he recieved

> > as a child, and how he came out of it.

> > I bought it yesterday at the used bookstore (it was only $5) and

> > finished it in just a couple hours. Maybe less (it's less than 200

> > pages). That was a difficult read. It was hard to stomach. But I

> can

> > see why my therapist wanted me to read it. Even though the

> > experiences of this young boy aren't the same as mine, and all the

> > abuse wasn't the same, some thinking patterns are similar, some

> > things are similar. I'm going to buy the other 2 books today.

> >

> > Have any of you read it?

> >

> > Anyways, I was wondering if any of you have experienced this fear

> of

> > forgiveness I have.

> >

> > It has always been difficult for me to forgive people in general. I

> > wish i wasn't so hardened.

> > ~Sara Jo

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hey guys, I have a question, I grew up in an opressivly religious community

and " forgiveness " was constantly talked about. It is one of those words that

was said so often in so many contexts that it lost ALL meaning for me. I

have no idea what it means. If I don't know what it is, how can I do it?

It's just one of those loosey goosey words that people over use, to me.

>

> I am not afraid to forgive, I am just not ready to forgive. I have been

> told that my anger is inappropriate for so long that I do not have the

> slightest intention on forgiving anyone until I am damn good and ready. No

> one has the right to tell you to " just move on " unless you are ready to do

> so. I want to feel my rage so that I can work through it, when I am done

> with it I'll let it go, but that doesn't mean I have to forgive anyone for

> what they have done or said to me that hurt me. Those people are not

> inclined to apologize to me for their inappropriate behavior, so I don't

> feel inclined to let them off the hook.

> But that is just me.

> Be strong

>

>

>

>

> Afraid to Forgive. Anyone else?

>

>

> Yesterday I was talking to my therapist about the anger I've been

> feeling lately, concerning my NADA and what she's done to the

> family. I've been so angry that the hightened emotion has actually

> been causing me to feel great anxiety. My therapist told me the only

> way I'm ever going to get over this and feel ok is through

> FORGIVENESS!

>

> I never thought of it this way. I know I've moved to the acceptance

> starge, where I've accepted the fact that NADA will never change.

> But I was left dangling there at that thought. It never occured to

> me that forgiveness is the next step!

>

> For some reason, it is scary for me to forgive. I'm afraid if i

> forgive, I will forget, not just the bad stuff, but the few good

> things, too. I'm afraid that if i forgive, that letting that all go

> will make me feel vulnerable again. Sometimes having the anger

> toward NADA gives me drive to succeed and be independent in my life.

> does that sound crazy or what?

>

> I'm afraid to let it all go.

>

> My therapist told me to read Pelzer's " A Boy Called IT " . It is

> the first of 3 books Pelzer wrote about the abuse he recieved

> as a child, and how he came out of it.

> I bought it yesterday at the used bookstore (it was only $5) and

> finished it in just a couple hours. Maybe less (it's less than 200

> pages). That was a difficult read. It was hard to stomach. But I can

> see why my therapist wanted me to read it. Even though the

> experiences of this young boy aren't the same as mine, and all the

> abuse wasn't the same, some thinking patterns are similar, some

> things are similar. I'm going to buy the other 2 books today.

>

> Have any of you read it?

>

> Anyways, I was wondering if any of you have experienced this fear of

> forgiveness I have.

>

> It has always been difficult for me to forgive people in general. I

> wish i wasn't so hardened.

> ~Sara Jo

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, definitely BPD. My fada holds grudges like nothing else. Of

course he blames everyone for everything wrong in his life and relies

on past grudges to fuel his blame.

[Guest guest]

--- Mr. Zarkley,

I am so sorry for your pain....I felt it deeply in your

response. Try and ease up on yourself in regards to your decision.

You tried so very hard to make it right, and as you know a

relationship takes both parties involved to make it right. Take it

from one who is NC....there still remains pain, doubt and a times

confusion on why I am staying and trying.

I have moments of forgiveness and it allows me moments of

letting go....but then because I am not NC....I have the past moments

of pain and the present moment of experiencing nada when she is being

difficult.

These moments of forgiveness make me feel empowered because I

feel like I am in more control of me.

The bottom line we do the best we can for others and

ourselves.

Malinda

Malinda

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " mr.zarkley "

wrote:

>

> The question about forgiveness has been a tough one for me, too. I'm

> finding the third year of NC harder than the first two. Guilt has

> started to seep in... & the question of forgiveness makes me uneasy.

>

> Mostly split all-good, (yet still abused), I thought I HAD forgiven

my

> parents. They started to treat me fairly well once I became an

adult.

> And so, I buried all my childhood pain to have a 'relationship' with

> them. Yet my parents were treating me well, only because I was a

> non-entity that mirrored them to perfection. Once I stopped, the

game

> was over.

>

> Confronting all this, unleashed such a sea of anger in me that I

> thought I'd never get through it--pure burning rage. Two years of NC

> later, & I'm still left wondering:

> •Is this all there is?

> •Is this the lesson or am I missing something?

> •Do I just keep going on until they fade away and it no longer

hurts?

>

> Forgiveness no longer makes any sense to me. Sometimes I think I

need

> to forgive myself for being such a non-entity wimp and not fighting

> more. The worst of my anger has passed, but I'm still extremely

tense

> in my sleep. I still second guess many of my decisions.

>

> I really like Eckhard Tolle's desciption of the 'Pain Body.'

> I think we need to step way back and simply observe without anger.

> Just see things as a story... & put things into perspective.

> Perspective, not forgiveness.

>

>

>

>

>

>

> >

> > Yesterday I was talking to my therapist about the anger I've been

> > feeling lately, concerning my NADA and what she's done to the

> > family. I've been so angry that the hightened emotion has

actually

> > been causing me to feel great anxiety. My therapist told me the

only

> > way I'm ever going to get over this and feel ok is through

> > FORGIVENESS!

> >

> > I never thought of it this way. I know I've moved to the

acceptance

> > starge, where I've accepted the fact that NADA will never change.

> > But I was left dangling there at that thought. It never occured

to

> > me that forgiveness is the next step!

> >

> > For some reason, it is scary for me to forgive. I'm afraid if i

> > forgive, I will forget, not just the bad stuff, but the few good

> > things, too. I'm afraid that if i forgive, that letting that all

go

> > will make me feel vulnerable again. Sometimes having the anger

> > toward NADA gives me drive to succeed and be independent in my

life.

> > does that sound crazy or what?

> >

> > I'm afraid to let it all go.

> >

> > My therapist told me to read Pelzer's " A Boy Called IT " . It

is

> > the first of 3 books Pelzer wrote about the abuse he

recieved

> > as a child, and how he came out of it.

> > I bought it yesterday at the used bookstore (it was only $5) and

> > finished it in just a couple hours. Maybe less (it's less than

200

> > pages). That was a difficult read. It was hard to stomach. But I

can

> > see why my therapist wanted me to read it. Even though the

> > experiences of this young boy aren't the same as mine, and all

the

> > abuse wasn't the same, some thinking patterns are similar, some

> > things are similar. I'm going to buy the other 2 books today.

> >

> > Have any of you read it?

> >

> > Anyways, I was wondering if any of you have experienced this fear

of

> > forgiveness I have.

> >

> > It has always been difficult for me to forgive people in general.

I

> > wish i wasn't so hardened.

> > ~Sara Jo

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I agree. My interpretation of what people are talking about when they bring up

" forgiveness " is that I need to get over what was done and said and pretend that

it never happened. If I forgive anyone, it will be myself for being a child and

being vulnerable in the first place. I will forgive myself for expecting that my

parents would be the grown ups and do what was best for me, that they would work

to build up my self confidence so that I would be a competent and healthy adult.

I will forgive myself for wanting their love and being hurt when I was told

there were many many conditions attached to that acceptance and love. I will

forgive myself for expecting better and pick myself up when I get back handed

with reality as they see it.

Forgiveness in my book is healing, not something that is freely given just

because society deems it culturally necessary. When I am ready to accept my own

forgiveness for being a feeling, rational, thinking, compassionate and

empathetic human, I will do so and be free. Until then, they are on their own.

Be strong

Afraid to Forgive. Anyone else?

>

>

> Yesterday I was talking to my therapist about the anger I've been

> feeling lately, concerning my NADA and what she's done to the

> family. I've been so angry that the hightened emotion has actually

> been causing me to feel great anxiety. My therapist told me the only

> way I'm ever going to get over this and feel ok is through

> FORGIVENESS!

>

> I never thought of it this way. I know I've moved to the acceptance

> starge, where I've accepted the fact that NADA will never change..

> But I was left dangling there at that thought. It never occured to

> me that forgiveness is the next step!

>

> For some reason, it is scary for me to forgive. I'm afraid if i

> forgive, I will forget, not just the bad stuff, but the few good

> things, too. I'm afraid that if i forgive, that letting that all go

> will make me feel vulnerable again. Sometimes having the anger

> toward NADA gives me drive to succeed and be independent in my life.

> does that sound crazy or what?

>

> I'm afraid to let it all go.

>

> My therapist told me to read Pelzer's " A Boy Called IT " . It is

> the first of 3 books Pelzer wrote about the abuse he recieved

> as a child, and how he came out of it.

> I bought it yesterday at the used bookstore (it was only $5) and

> finished it in just a couple hours. Maybe less (it's less than 200

> pages). That was a difficult read. It was hard to stomach. But I can

> see why my therapist wanted me to read it. Even though the

> experiences of this young boy aren't the same as mine, and all the

> abuse wasn't the same, some thinking patterns are similar, some

> things are similar. I'm going to buy the other 2 books today.

>

> Have any of you read it?

>

> Anyways, I was wondering if any of you have experienced this fear of

> forgiveness I have.

>

> It has always been difficult for me to forgive people in general. I

> wish i wasn't so hardened.

> ~Sara Jo

>

>

>

>

>

>

>