Re: Another M-Day war story

[Guest guest]

It's not fair...the rules do not apply to him that apply to you. Of

course you are angry, I'd be furious as well. I had a horrible night

the night before my brother showed back up here after three years of

NC. I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I didn't understand it

but I am trying to learn to respect my feelings and just let them be

what they are. ((((((((Hugs)))))))))

[Guest guest]

Well, I think you've just observed full blown narcissistic

selfishness. I'm wondering if it's common for BPD mom's to raise NC

kids. Both my brother, and sister and several of their children are

so completely self absorbed, arrogant and abusive that it is beyond

me how they live with themselves. My mother is like yours in that

she has been very financially generous with both of them. And they

abuse her to try to get more money. But, that's about the size of

their caring.

And she is defenseless to abuse from others due to her long years of

childhood abuse. I was unable to step up to the plate earlier in the

year and protect her. I was thinking that she could do it herself.

And I was just seperating from my ex. and feeling emotionally unable

to defend her against this entire brood of abusive Narc's. My nephew

and his wife have been extremely abusive with her as they've lived in

the side of her house. The deal was they were to live there free and

give her dinner every night. And they haven't even been able to give

her dinner once a week. But, when I kick them out, then the rath of

the entire family will fall on me. I'm the bad guy for interupting

their financial gain and protecting my mother. Who they are

pretending to take care of. While I am doing all of the work of

caring for her. What a laugh and apparently the joke is on me!

Her self esteem is badly shaken by it. Which, increases her BPD

problems and clinging to me. So, it's just hurting both of us in the

long run. And has become a real pain in the butt for me. I hate

narcissists and I have a plan to never see them again when my mother

is gone! Betcha they won't even notice. They are too busy feeling

superior and patting themselves on their own backs.

>

> Just gotta vent.

> Went and did the M-Day thing with nada and she was pretty decent.

No

> Hissy fits, no put downs. She actually did something very nice for

me

> for my Mothers day. She claimed some old quilting squares from my

> completely insane NPD aunt that my Grandmother had started. I will

> end up finishing the quilt. These squares are probably 60 years (+)

> old and are beautiful. The entire set even survived a house fire

and

> two of the squares have significant smoke damage. Talk about a

quilt

> that will have an amazing story. She floored me, and I was really

> touched. Just call me a sucker.

> Well my brother and SIL were supposed to come up and have Mother's

> day lunch with us, then they suggested that they would do Mother's

> day on my son's birthday and wiggled out of that one when I put my

> foot down, then they decided to skip Mother's day entirely for nada

> except for a flower and a card. That I could have understood but my

> SIL had my brother deliver deliver them by himself, late in the

day.

> Actually he interupted us as we were getting a late lunch ready and

> ended up pushing it out even later. We were supposed to eat at

1:30pm

> and didn't end up eating until 3pm. The SIL's excuse, they had

taken

> the baby out to a museum, wore her out and they were now both too

> tired to come up and spend FIVE FUCKING MINUTES with the nada to

drop

> the flowers off as a family. This from a woman insists that we

> schedule any family event around the kid's nap, had scheduled the

day

> so that the kid would miss her nap and thus be too cranky to be

seen

> in public. (?????????????)

> I know that I have been really hard on my Nada and she does deserve

a

> lot of it, but I found my brother and SIL's behavior really

> insulting! My nada didn't seem to mind, so I guess I should not

> either. And here is the rub, my Nada treats my brother and SIL as

if

> they were made out of gold! I would kill to get treated they way

they

> do. They are definitely split white and they treated her as if she

> was an after thought, which I suspect was the intent.

> I thought I was going to be happy seeing her get some of her own

> treatment, but it made me madder than hell to actually witness it.

I

> suppose I don't care for that kind of BS even when it is delivered

to

> someone who has earned it. But from my vantage point she hasn't

done

> or said anything to either of them that would warrent this kind of

> behavior. I could understand if I had done the whole drive by, toss

> the plant out the window and drive off kind of scenario, but to see

> it from my brother and SIL pretty much astounded me. I would never

do

> such a thing because it is bad manners and dispite all the bad,

there

> has been some good as well and that is what I chose to celebrate. I

> consider both my SIL and brother as NPD and this little event has

> confirmed that to me.

> Let me tell you how much my nada has given these two: the farm they

> live on and she pretty much paid for the adoption of their little

> girl. My brother will get the farm she is currently living on as

> well. For all her faults my nada is generous with the people she

> loves. I cannot believe how mad I am at my sibling and his wife. I

> guess I felt that since things had gone so well for her and I over

> the weekend that the whole family dynamic would continue. Once

again

> my expectations exceeded the capability of my family to treat each

> other decently.

> Maybe viewing this through the distorted lense of BPD I shouldn't

> have considered this insulting, at least the son actually came up

and

> handed her a flower and a card. They could have skipped it entirely

> and I suspect that as time goes by this will be the trend. Maybe

what

> made me so mad is that I am trying really hard to make my

> relationship with my nada into something that works for the both of

> us in which we both have a little respect and I can clearly see

what

> is going on in my brother's house. Is this an aspect of the NPD

that

> I am seeing, or is this some sort of end game that my brother and

SIL

> are trying to run to get nada to think her relationship with them

may

> be threatened? I honestly don't know what to make of what went down

> this weekend, or even why I reacted the way I did.

> Call me human and frustrated.

> Thanks for letting me vent. It was easier when I just stuffed my

> feelings, now I really have to deal with them. At least no Panic

> Attacks so far, so I consider that progress.

> Be strong

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you. This hypervigilance is really starting to mess with my head. And I

think you hit it right on the head, I have to live with the rules and their

consequences and my brother does not. If the roles had been reversed and I had

showed up while they were fixing M-day dinner. I would still be hearing about

how rude I was, but to have shown up without my son. OMG. I would never hear the

end of it. I am at that point where I really do not know how to react. I really

DON'T want it to bother me. And I hate questioning my judgement in the matter.

But if it doesn't bother the nada I need to learn not to let it bother me.

Be strong, and again thank you for letting me get that out.

Re: Another M-Day war story

It's not fair...the rules do not apply to him that apply to you. Of

course you are angry, I'd be furious as well. I had a horrible night

the night before my brother showed back up here after three years of

NC. I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I didn't understand it

but I am trying to learn to respect my feelings and just let them be

what they are. ((((((((Hugs) ))))))))

[Guest guest]

It is like being caught between a rock and a hard place. I am not going to say a

word to my brother and SIL, but I am not going to associate with them any more.

I will mail out B-day cards and do the dutiful daughter bit but I have had it up

to here and I don't want to witness it any more. I dread the day when my nada

goes down because those two will split, leave me to pick up the pieces and put

my life on hold and then show up for the reading of the will. I feel for you and

I think you did the best thing possible because your nephew and his wife were

not only taking advantage of your nada but of you as well and that shit stops

here. I really do not understand the Narc mind set are there any good resources

on how to deal with these people and NOT lose your mind? I may have my nada's

BPD somewhat under control but I am about to lose my sanity dealing with the

same old BS with my brother and his latest wife.

Thanks.

Re: Another M-Day war story

Well, I think you've just observed full blown narcissistic

selfishness. I'm wondering if it's common for BPD mom's to raise NC

kids. Both my brother, and sister and several of their children are

so completely self absorbed, arrogant and abusive that it is beyond

me how they live with themselves. My mother is like yours in that

she has been very financially generous with both of them. And they

abuse her to try to get more money. But, that's about the size of

their caring.

And she is defenseless to abuse from others due to her long years of

childhood abuse. I was unable to step up to the plate earlier in the

year and protect her. I was thinking that she could do it herself.

And I was just seperating from my ex. and feeling emotionally unable

to defend her against this entire brood of abusive Narc's.. My nephew

and his wife have been extremely abusive with her as they've lived in

the side of her house. The deal was they were to live there free and

give her dinner every night. And they haven't even been able to give

her dinner once a week. But, when I kick them out, then the rath of

the entire family will fall on me. I'm the bad guy for interupting

their financial gain and protecting my mother. Who they are

pretending to take care of. While I am doing all of the work of

caring for her. What a laugh and apparently the joke is on me!

Her self esteem is badly shaken by it. Which, increases her BPD

problems and clinging to me. So, it's just hurting both of us in the

long run. And has become a real pain in the butt for me. I hate

narcissists and I have a plan to never see them again when my mother

is gone! Betcha they won't even notice. They are too busy feeling

superior and patting themselves on their own backs.

>

> Just gotta vent.

> Went and did the M-Day thing with nada and she was pretty decent.

No

> Hissy fits, no put downs. She actually did something very nice for

me

> for my Mothers day. She claimed some old quilting squares from my

> completely insane NPD aunt that my Grandmother had started. I will

> end up finishing the quilt. These squares are probably 60 years (+)

> old and are beautiful. The entire set even survived a house fire

and

> two of the squares have significant smoke damage. Talk about a

quilt

> that will have an amazing story. She floored me, and I was really

> touched. Just call me a sucker.

> Well my brother and SIL were supposed to come up and have Mother's

> day lunch with us, then they suggested that they would do Mother's

> day on my son's birthday and wiggled out of that one when I put my

> foot down, then they decided to skip Mother's day entirely for nada

> except for a flower and a card. That I could have understood but my

> SIL had my brother deliver deliver them by himself, late in the

day.

> Actually he interupted us as we were getting a late lunch ready and

> ended up pushing it out even later. We were supposed to eat at

1:30pm

> and didn't end up eating until 3pm. The SIL's excuse, they had

taken

> the baby out to a museum, wore her out and they were now both too

> tired to come up and spend FIVE FUCKING MINUTES with the nada to

drop

> the flowers off as a family. This from a woman insists that we

> schedule any family event around the kid's nap, had scheduled the

day

> so that the kid would miss her nap and thus be too cranky to be

seen

> in public.. (??????????? ??)

> I know that I have been really hard on my Nada and she does deserve

a

> lot of it, but I found my brother and SIL's behavior really

> insulting! My nada didn't seem to mind, so I guess I should not

> either. And here is the rub, my Nada treats my brother and SIL as

if

> they were made out of gold! I would kill to get treated they way

they

> do. They are definitely split white and they treated her as if she

> was an after thought, which I suspect was the intent.

> I thought I was going to be happy seeing her get some of her own

> treatment, but it made me madder than hell to actually witness it.

I

> suppose I don't care for that kind of BS even when it is delivered

to

> someone who has earned it. But from my vantage point she hasn't

done

> or said anything to either of them that would warrent this kind of

> behavior. I could understand if I had done the whole drive by, toss

> the plant out the window and drive off kind of scenario, but to see

> it from my brother and SIL pretty much astounded me. I would never

do

> such a thing because it is bad manners and dispite all the bad,

there

> has been some good as well and that is what I chose to celebrate. I

> consider both my SIL and brother as NPD and this little event has

> confirmed that to me.

> Let me tell you how much my nada has given these two: the farm they

> live on and she pretty much paid for the adoption of their little

> girl. My brother will get the farm she is currently living on as

> well. For all her faults my nada is generous with the people she

> loves. I cannot believe how mad I am at my sibling and his wife. I

> guess I felt that since things had gone so well for her and I over

> the weekend that the whole family dynamic would continue. Once

again

> my expectations exceeded the capability of my family to treat each

> other decently.

> Maybe viewing this through the distorted lense of BPD I shouldn't

> have considered this insulting, at least the son actually came up

and

> handed her a flower and a card. They could have skipped it entirely

> and I suspect that as time goes by this will be the trend. Maybe

what

> made me so mad is that I am trying really hard to make my

> relationship with my nada into something that works for the both of

> us in which we both have a little respect and I can clearly see

what

> is going on in my brother's house. Is this an aspect of the NPD

that

> I am seeing, or is this some sort of end game that my brother and

SIL

> are trying to run to get nada to think her relationship with them

may

> be threatened? I honestly don't know what to make of what went down

> this weekend, or even why I reacted the way I did.

> Call me human and frustrated.

> Thanks for letting me vent. It was easier when I just stuffed my

> feelings, now I really have to deal with them. At least no Panic

> Attacks so far, so I consider that progress.

> Be strong

>

>

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[Guest guest]

Am I sensing some kind of pattern? With respect to male-adult

children of BPD mothers? In my family the males seem to get away

with treating my nada worse than a dung pile, but I have

actual " expectations " from my nada. I wouldnt dream of treating my

nada badly (even though many times I feel she deserves it) I've

stopped with the FOG behaviours somewhat and codependency. I suppose

a lot of these adult children are mentally unwell also. My adult

brothers have NPD and dependent personality respectively. Can any of

you relate to this?

>

> Just gotta vent.

> Went and did the M-Day thing with nada and she was pretty decent.

No

> Hissy fits, no put downs. She actually did something very nice for

me

> for my Mothers day. She claimed some old quilting squares from my

> completely insane NPD aunt that my Grandmother had started. I will

> end up finishing the quilt. These squares are probably 60 years

(+)

> old and are beautiful. The entire set even survived a house fire

and

> two of the squares have significant smoke damage. Talk about a

quilt

> that will have an amazing story. She floored me, and I was really

> touched. Just call me a sucker.

> Well my brother and SIL were supposed to come up and have Mother's

> day lunch with us, then they suggested that they would do Mother's

> day on my son's birthday and wiggled out of that one when I put my

> foot down, then they decided to skip Mother's day entirely for

nada

> except for a flower and a card. That I could have understood but

my

> SIL had my brother deliver deliver them by himself, late in the

day.

> Actually he interupted us as we were getting a late lunch ready

and

> ended up pushing it out even later. We were supposed to eat at

1:30pm

> and didn't end up eating until 3pm. The SIL's excuse, they had

taken

> the baby out to a museum, wore her out and they were now both too

> tired to come up and spend FIVE FUCKING MINUTES with the nada to

drop

> the flowers off as a family. This from a woman insists that we

> schedule any family event around the kid's nap, had scheduled the

day

> so that the kid would miss her nap and thus be too cranky to be

seen

> in public. (?????????????)

> I know that I have been really hard on my Nada and she does

deserve a

> lot of it, but I found my brother and SIL's behavior really

> insulting! My nada didn't seem to mind, so I guess I should not

> either. And here is the rub, my Nada treats my brother and SIL as

if

> they were made out of gold! I would kill to get treated they way

they

> do. They are definitely split white and they treated her as if she

> was an after thought, which I suspect was the intent.

> I thought I was going to be happy seeing her get some of her own

> treatment, but it made me madder than hell to actually witness it.

I

> suppose I don't care for that kind of BS even when it is delivered

to

> someone who has earned it. But from my vantage point she hasn't

done

> or said anything to either of them that would warrent this kind of

> behavior. I could understand if I had done the whole drive by,

toss

> the plant out the window and drive off kind of scenario, but to

see

> it from my brother and SIL pretty much astounded me. I would never

do

> such a thing because it is bad manners and dispite all the bad,

there

> has been some good as well and that is what I chose to celebrate.

I

> consider both my SIL and brother as NPD and this little event has

> confirmed that to me.

> Let me tell you how much my nada has given these two: the farm

they

> live on and she pretty much paid for the adoption of their little

> girl. My brother will get the farm she is currently living on as

> well. For all her faults my nada is generous with the people she

> loves. I cannot believe how mad I am at my sibling and his wife. I

> guess I felt that since things had gone so well for her and I over

> the weekend that the whole family dynamic would continue. Once

again

> my expectations exceeded the capability of my family to treat each

> other decently.

> Maybe viewing this through the distorted lense of BPD I shouldn't

> have considered this insulting, at least the son actually came up

and

> handed her a flower and a card. They could have skipped it

entirely

> and I suspect that as time goes by this will be the trend. Maybe

what

> made me so mad is that I am trying really hard to make my

> relationship with my nada into something that works for the both

of

> us in which we both have a little respect and I can clearly see

what

> is going on in my brother's house. Is this an aspect of the NPD

that

> I am seeing, or is this some sort of end game that my brother and

SIL

> are trying to run to get nada to think her relationship with them

may

> be threatened? I honestly don't know what to make of what went

down

> this weekend, or even why I reacted the way I did.

> Call me human and frustrated.

> Thanks for letting me vent. It was easier when I just stuffed my

> feelings, now I really have to deal with them. At least no Panic

> Attacks so far, so I consider that progress.

> Be strong

>

>

[Guest guest]

I don't know my brother well enough to diagnose him, but I do know that he

was so cruel to me as a child that I wanted to kill myself to get away from

him, before I was even out of jr high. I haven't seen him in 5 years and I

have no desire to. I've started feeling some empathy for him, I believe my

nada used him as a weapon, but he still had a choice. I read in Toxic

Parents last night that it is common for the family to gang up on the most

vulnerable child - and that would have been me as the youngest living child

in the family.

Maybe our male members would want to comment. , Parentified, Kal? You

out there?

>

> Am I sensing some kind of pattern? With respect to male-adult

> children of BPD mothers? In my family the males seem to get away

> with treating my nada worse than a dung pile, but I have

> actual " expectations " from my nada. I wouldnt dream of treating my

> nada badly (even though many times I feel she deserves it) I've

> stopped with the FOG behaviours somewhat and codependency. I suppose

> a lot of these adult children are mentally unwell also. My adult

> brothers have NPD and dependent personality respectively. Can any of

> you relate to this?

>

>

> >

> > Just gotta vent.

> > Went and did the M-Day thing with nada and she was pretty decent.

> No

> > Hissy fits, no put downs. She actually did something very nice for

> me

> > for my Mothers day. She claimed some old quilting squares from my

> > completely insane NPD aunt that my Grandmother had started. I will

> > end up finishing the quilt. These squares are probably 60 years

> (+)

> > old and are beautiful. The entire set even survived a house fire

> and

> > two of the squares have significant smoke damage. Talk about a

> quilt

> > that will have an amazing story. She floored me, and I was really

> > touched. Just call me a sucker.

> > Well my brother and SIL were supposed to come up and have Mother's

> > day lunch with us, then they suggested that they would do Mother's

> > day on my son's birthday and wiggled out of that one when I put my

> > foot down, then they decided to skip Mother's day entirely for

> nada

> > except for a flower and a card. That I could have understood but

> my

> > SIL had my brother deliver deliver them by himself, late in the

> day.

> > Actually he interupted us as we were getting a late lunch ready

> and

> > ended up pushing it out even later. We were supposed to eat at

> 1:30pm

> > and didn't end up eating until 3pm. The SIL's excuse, they had

> taken

> > the baby out to a museum, wore her out and they were now both too

> > tired to come up and spend FIVE FUCKING MINUTES with the nada to

> drop

> > the flowers off as a family. This from a woman insists that we

> > schedule any family event around the kid's nap, had scheduled the

> day

> > so that the kid would miss her nap and thus be too cranky to be

> seen

> > in public. (?????????????)

> > I know that I have been really hard on my Nada and she does

> deserve a

> > lot of it, but I found my brother and SIL's behavior really

> > insulting! My nada didn't seem to mind, so I guess I should not

> > either. And here is the rub, my Nada treats my brother and SIL as

> if

> > they were made out of gold! I would kill to get treated they way

> they

> > do. They are definitely split white and they treated her as if she

> > was an after thought, which I suspect was the intent.

> > I thought I was going to be happy seeing her get some of her own

> > treatment, but it made me madder than hell to actually witness it.

> I

> > suppose I don't care for that kind of BS even when it is delivered

> to

> > someone who has earned it. But from my vantage point she hasn't

> done

> > or said anything to either of them that would warrent this kind of

> > behavior. I could understand if I had done the whole drive by,

> toss

> > the plant out the window and drive off kind of scenario, but to

> see

> > it from my brother and SIL pretty much astounded me. I would never

> do

> > such a thing because it is bad manners and dispite all the bad,

> there

> > has been some good as well and that is what I chose to celebrate.

> I

> > consider both my SIL and brother as NPD and this little event has

> > confirmed that to me.

> > Let me tell you how much my nada has given these two: the farm

> they

> > live on and she pretty much paid for the adoption of their little

> > girl. My brother will get the farm she is currently living on as

> > well. For all her faults my nada is generous with the people she

> > loves. I cannot believe how mad I am at my sibling and his wife. I

> > guess I felt that since things had gone so well for her and I over

> > the weekend that the whole family dynamic would continue. Once

> again

> > my expectations exceeded the capability of my family to treat each

> > other decently.

> > Maybe viewing this through the distorted lense of BPD I shouldn't

> > have considered this insulting, at least the son actually came up

> and

> > handed her a flower and a card. They could have skipped it

> entirely

> > and I suspect that as time goes by this will be the trend. Maybe

> what

> > made me so mad is that I am trying really hard to make my

> > relationship with my nada into something that works for the both

> of

> > us in which we both have a little respect and I can clearly see

> what

> > is going on in my brother's house. Is this an aspect of the NPD

> that

> > I am seeing, or is this some sort of end game that my brother and

> SIL

> > are trying to run to get nada to think her relationship with them

> may

> > be threatened? I honestly don't know what to make of what went

> down

> > this weekend, or even why I reacted the way I did.

> > Call me human and frustrated.

> > Thanks for letting me vent. It was easier when I just stuffed my

> > feelings, now I really have to deal with them. At least no Panic

> > Attacks so far, so I consider that progress.

> > Be strong

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Girlscout... wow we have a parallel experience here. I believe you

about the wanting to kill yourself thing. I too wanted to kill

myself rather than be beaten violently by my older brother year

after year. I too am the youngest, and only girl. I am now NC with

him but I do also feel pity for him... only after I learned of the

manipulation of the BPD mothers with these children. I am wondering

if it's more common that nada's use the male children in such a

way? ... comment guys?

> > >

> > > Just gotta vent.

> > > Went and did the M-Day thing with nada and she was pretty

decent.

> > No

> > > Hissy fits, no put downs. She actually did something very nice

for

> > me

> > > for my Mothers day. She claimed some old quilting squares from

my

> > > completely insane NPD aunt that my Grandmother had started. I

will

> > > end up finishing the quilt. These squares are probably 60 years

> > (+)

> > > old and are beautiful. The entire set even survived a house

fire

> > and

> > > two of the squares have significant smoke damage. Talk about a

> > quilt

> > > that will have an amazing story. She floored me, and I was

really

> > > touched. Just call me a sucker.

> > > Well my brother and SIL were supposed to come up and have

Mother's

> > > day lunch with us, then they suggested that they would do

Mother's

> > > day on my son's birthday and wiggled out of that one when I

put my

> > > foot down, then they decided to skip Mother's day entirely for

> > nada

> > > except for a flower and a card. That I could have understood

but

> > my

> > > SIL had my brother deliver deliver them by himself, late in the

> > day.

> > > Actually he interupted us as we were getting a late lunch ready

> > and

> > > ended up pushing it out even later. We were supposed to eat at

> > 1:30pm

> > > and didn't end up eating until 3pm. The SIL's excuse, they had

> > taken

> > > the baby out to a museum, wore her out and they were now both

too

> > > tired to come up and spend FIVE FUCKING MINUTES with the nada

to

> > drop

> > > the flowers off as a family. This from a woman insists that we

> > > schedule any family event around the kid's nap, had scheduled

the

> > day

> > > so that the kid would miss her nap and thus be too cranky to be

> > seen

> > > in public. (?????????????)

> > > I know that I have been really hard on my Nada and she does

> > deserve a

> > > lot of it, but I found my brother and SIL's behavior really

> > > insulting! My nada didn't seem to mind, so I guess I should not

> > > either. And here is the rub, my Nada treats my brother and SIL

as

> > if

> > > they were made out of gold! I would kill to get treated they

way

> > they

> > > do. They are definitely split white and they treated her as if

she

> > > was an after thought, which I suspect was the intent.

> > > I thought I was going to be happy seeing her get some of her

own

> > > treatment, but it made me madder than hell to actually witness

it.

> > I

> > > suppose I don't care for that kind of BS even when it is

delivered

> > to

> > > someone who has earned it. But from my vantage point she hasn't

> > done

> > > or said anything to either of them that would warrent this

kind of

> > > behavior. I could understand if I had done the whole drive by,

> > toss

> > > the plant out the window and drive off kind of scenario, but to

> > see

> > > it from my brother and SIL pretty much astounded me. I would

never

> > do

> > > such a thing because it is bad manners and dispite all the bad,

> > there

> > > has been some good as well and that is what I chose to

celebrate.

> > I

> > > consider both my SIL and brother as NPD and this little event

has

> > > confirmed that to me.

> > > Let me tell you how much my nada has given these two: the farm

> > they

> > > live on and she pretty much paid for the adoption of their

little

> > > girl. My brother will get the farm she is currently living on

as

> > > well. For all her faults my nada is generous with the people

she

> > > loves. I cannot believe how mad I am at my sibling and his

wife. I

> > > guess I felt that since things had gone so well for her and I

over

> > > the weekend that the whole family dynamic would continue. Once

> > again

> > > my expectations exceeded the capability of my family to treat

each

> > > other decently.

> > > Maybe viewing this through the distorted lense of BPD I

shouldn't

> > > have considered this insulting, at least the son actually came

up

> > and

> > > handed her a flower and a card. They could have skipped it

> > entirely

> > > and I suspect that as time goes by this will be the trend.

Maybe

> > what

> > > made me so mad is that I am trying really hard to make my

> > > relationship with my nada into something that works for the

both

> > of

> > > us in which we both have a little respect and I can clearly see

> > what

> > > is going on in my brother's house. Is this an aspect of the NPD

> > that

> > > I am seeing, or is this some sort of end game that my brother

and

> > SIL

> > > are trying to run to get nada to think her relationship with

them

> > may

> > > be threatened? I honestly don't know what to make of what went

> > down

> > > this weekend, or even why I reacted the way I did.

> > > Call me human and frustrated.

> > > Thanks for letting me vent. It was easier when I just stuffed

my

> > > feelings, now I really have to deal with them. At least no

Panic

> > > Attacks so far, so I consider that progress.

> > > Be strong

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In spades.

Re: Another M-Day war story

Am I sensing some kind of pattern? With respect to male-adult

children of BPD mothers? In my family the males seem to get away

with treating my nada worse than a dung pile, but I have

actual " expectations " from my nada. I wouldnt dream of treating my

nada badly (even though many times I feel she deserves it) I've

stopped with the FOG behaviours somewhat and codependency. I suppose

a lot of these adult children are mentally unwell also. My adult

brothers have NPD and dependent personality respectively. Can any of

you relate to this?

>

> Just gotta vent.

> Went and did the M-Day thing with nada and she was pretty decent.

No

> Hissy fits, no put downs. She actually did something very nice for

me

> for my Mothers day. She claimed some old quilting squares from my

> completely insane NPD aunt that my Grandmother had started. I will

> end up finishing the quilt. These squares are probably 60 years

(+)

> old and are beautiful. The entire set even survived a house fire

and

> two of the squares have significant smoke damage. Talk about a

quilt

> that will have an amazing story. She floored me, and I was really

> touched. Just call me a sucker.

> Well my brother and SIL were supposed to come up and have Mother's

> day lunch with us, then they suggested that they would do Mother's

> day on my son's birthday and wiggled out of that one when I put my

> foot down, then they decided to skip Mother's day entirely for

nada

> except for a flower and a card. That I could have understood but

my

> SIL had my brother deliver deliver them by himself, late in the

day.

> Actually he interupted us as we were getting a late lunch ready

and

> ended up pushing it out even later. We were supposed to eat at

1:30pm

> and didn't end up eating until 3pm. The SIL's excuse, they had

taken

> the baby out to a museum, wore her out and they were now both too

> tired to come up and spend FIVE FUCKING MINUTES with the nada to

drop

> the flowers off as a family. This from a woman insists that we

> schedule any family event around the kid's nap, had scheduled the

day

> so that the kid would miss her nap and thus be too cranky to be

seen

> in public. (??????????? ??)

> I know that I have been really hard on my Nada and she does

deserve a

> lot of it, but I found my brother and SIL's behavior really

> insulting! My nada didn't seem to mind, so I guess I should not

> either. And here is the rub, my Nada treats my brother and SIL as

if

> they were made out of gold! I would kill to get treated they way

they

> do. They are definitely split white and they treated her as if she

> was an after thought, which I suspect was the intent.

> I thought I was going to be happy seeing her get some of her own

> treatment, but it made me madder than hell to actually witness it.

I

> suppose I don't care for that kind of BS even when it is delivered

to

> someone who has earned it. But from my vantage point she hasn't

done

> or said anything to either of them that would warrent this kind of

> behavior. I could understand if I had done the whole drive by,

toss

> the plant out the window and drive off kind of scenario, but to

see

> it from my brother and SIL pretty much astounded me. I would never

do

> such a thing because it is bad manners and dispite all the bad,

there

> has been some good as well and that is what I chose to celebrate.

I

> consider both my SIL and brother as NPD and this little event has

> confirmed that to me.

> Let me tell you how much my nada has given these two: the farm

they

> live on and she pretty much paid for the adoption of their little

> girl. My brother will get the farm she is currently living on as

> well. For all her faults my nada is generous with the people she

> loves. I cannot believe how mad I am at my sibling and his wife. I

> guess I felt that since things had gone so well for her and I over

> the weekend that the whole family dynamic would continue. Once

again

> my expectations exceeded the capability of my family to treat each

> other decently.

> Maybe viewing this through the distorted lense of BPD I shouldn't

> have considered this insulting, at least the son actually came up

and

> handed her a flower and a card. They could have skipped it

entirely

> and I suspect that as time goes by this will be the trend. Maybe

what

> made me so mad is that I am trying really hard to make my

> relationship with my nada into something that works for the both

of

> us in which we both have a little respect and I can clearly see

what

> is going on in my brother's house. Is this an aspect of the NPD

that

> I am seeing, or is this some sort of end game that my brother and

SIL

> are trying to run to get nada to think her relationship with them

may

> be threatened? I honestly don't know what to make of what went

down

> this weekend, or even why I reacted the way I did.

> Call me human and frustrated.

> Thanks for letting me vent. It was easier when I just stuffed my

> feelings, now I really have to deal with them. At least no Panic

> Attacks so far, so I consider that progress.

> Be strong

>

>

[Guest guest]

I would really be interested in a male opinion on this. I continually doubt my

judgement in situations like this. I have been trained to consider any

perception other than everything is just hunky dory as skewed reality and

therefore not valid. I have been thinking about this alot, more than it

otherwise warrents. The only other explination is that my brother is right on

time for another divorce from an NPD/BPD spouse. This will be his third marriage

and they all have a pretty definiable pattern, because they all have the same

personality. They suck up to the family for the first few years, try and split

us apart as a family (divide/dominate) and then they begin to turn on my brother

and his family in the final end game. And I mean flamingly outrageous BS in the

last moves. It is nausatingly predictable. What kills me is that these women

think they are being rather clever about it and it catches my nada and brother

flatfooted every time. Me, I am

unsurprised because I see that freaking train screaming down the track EVERY

TIME. I am so sick of the games. And I am so sick of my brother bringing in

these unstable women into our lives, the ante has been upped because now there

is a small child involved who will not only have to contend with being adopted

and all the baggage that brings but she will now have to contend with the entire

divorce circus. She is the one I really worry about. It will also hurt my son

who adores this little girl. I wish I were wrong, in fact I hope I am. For once

I would rather be the one who really is f'ed in the head than to see this little

girl get ripped apart by her parents.

Be strong

Re: Re: Another M-Day war story

I don't know my brother well enough to diagnose him, but I do know that he

was so cruel to me as a child that I wanted to kill myself to get away from

him, before I was even out of jr high. I haven't seen him in 5 years and I

have no desire to. I've started feeling some empathy for him, I believe my

nada used him as a weapon, but he still had a choice. I read in Toxic

Parents last night that it is common for the family to gang up on the most

vulnerable child - and that would have been me as the youngest living child

in the family.

Maybe our male members would want to comment. , Parentified, Kal? You

out there?

On 5/13/08, hellfireblonde99 <hellfireblonde99@ yahoo.com> wrote:

>

> Am I sensing some kind of pattern? With respect to male-adult

> children of BPD mothers? In my family the males seem to get away

> with treating my nada worse than a dung pile, but I have

> actual " expectations " from my nada. I wouldnt dream of treating my

> nada badly (even though many times I feel she deserves it) I've

> stopped with the FOG behaviours somewhat and codependency. I suppose

> a lot of these adult children are mentally unwell also. My adult

> brothers have NPD and dependent personality respectively. Can any of

> you relate to this?

>

>

> >

> > Just gotta vent.

> > Went and did the M-Day thing with nada and she was pretty decent.

> No

> > Hissy fits, no put downs. She actually did something very nice for

> me

> > for my Mothers day. She claimed some old quilting squares from my

> > completely insane NPD aunt that my Grandmother had started. I will

> > end up finishing the quilt. These squares are probably 60 years

> (+)

> > old and are beautiful. The entire set even survived a house fire

> and

> > two of the squares have significant smoke damage. Talk about a

> quilt

> > that will have an amazing story. She floored me, and I was really

> > touched. Just call me a sucker.

> > Well my brother and SIL were supposed to come up and have Mother's

> > day lunch with us, then they suggested that they would do Mother's

> > day on my son's birthday and wiggled out of that one when I put my

> > foot down, then they decided to skip Mother's day entirely for

> nada

> > except for a flower and a card. That I could have understood but

> my

> > SIL had my brother deliver deliver them by himself, late in the

> day.

> > Actually he interupted us as we were getting a late lunch ready

> and

> > ended up pushing it out even later. We were supposed to eat at

> 1:30pm

> > and didn't end up eating until 3pm. The SIL's excuse, they had

> taken

> > the baby out to a museum, wore her out and they were now both too

> > tired to come up and spend FIVE FUCKING MINUTES with the nada to

> drop

> > the flowers off as a family. This from a woman insists that we

> > schedule any family event around the kid's nap, had scheduled the

> day

> > so that the kid would miss her nap and thus be too cranky to be

> seen

> > in public. (??????????? ??)

> > I know that I have been really hard on my Nada and she does

> deserve a

> > lot of it, but I found my brother and SIL's behavior really

> > insulting! My nada didn't seem to mind, so I guess I should not

> > either. And here is the rub, my Nada treats my brother and SIL as

> if

> > they were made out of gold! I would kill to get treated they way

> they

> > do. They are definitely split white and they treated her as if she

> > was an after thought, which I suspect was the intent.

> > I thought I was going to be happy seeing her get some of her own

> > treatment, but it made me madder than hell to actually witness it.

> I

> > suppose I don't care for that kind of BS even when it is delivered

> to

> > someone who has earned it. But from my vantage point she hasn't

> done

> > or said anything to either of them that would warrent this kind of

> > behavior. I could understand if I had done the whole drive by,

> toss

> > the plant out the window and drive off kind of scenario, but to

> see

> > it from my brother and SIL pretty much astounded me. I would never

> do

> > such a thing because it is bad manners and dispite all the bad,

> there

> > has been some good as well and that is what I chose to celebrate.

> I

> > consider both my SIL and brother as NPD and this little event has

> > confirmed that to me.

> > Let me tell you how much my nada has given these two: the farm

> they

> > live on and she pretty much paid for the adoption of their little

> > girl. My brother will get the farm she is currently living on as

> > well. For all her faults my nada is generous with the people she

> > loves. I cannot believe how mad I am at my sibling and his wife. I

> > guess I felt that since things had gone so well for her and I over

> > the weekend that the whole family dynamic would continue. Once

> again

> > my expectations exceeded the capability of my family to treat each

> > other decently.

> > Maybe viewing this through the distorted lense of BPD I shouldn't

> > have considered this insulting, at least the son actually came up

> and

> > handed her a flower and a card. They could have skipped it

> entirely

> > and I suspect that as time goes by this will be the trend. Maybe

> what

> > made me so mad is that I am trying really hard to make my

> > relationship with my nada into something that works for the both

> of

> > us in which we both have a little respect and I can clearly see

> what

> > is going on in my brother's house. Is this an aspect of the NPD

> that

> > I am seeing, or is this some sort of end game that my brother and

> SIL

> > are trying to run to get nada to think her relationship with them

> may

> > be threatened? I honestly don't know what to make of what went

> down

> > this weekend, or even why I reacted the way I did.

> > Call me human and frustrated.

> > Thanks for letting me vent. It was easier when I just stuffed my

> > feelings, now I really have to deal with them. At least no Panic

> > Attacks so far, so I consider that progress.

> > Be strong

> >

> >

>

>

>