Re: grieving mother, grieving sister

May 7, 2008

Oh yeah, I can relate. Through my realizing what nada has a bpd, my

brother was very supportive and went through counseling with me and

my parents about 2 yrs ago. But he lives farther away and has a hard

time saying no to nada. He has chosen moderate/limited contact with

nada and this seems to keep her happy and he can remain the good kid,

still also receiving her finacial/gift supports (puck). I want

desparately to remain close to him but when he is still in constant

contact with her, she drags things out of him that I tell him without

him even realizing it (also part of why I don't want to be around

her - she is a master at drudging up info she needs to carry out her

schemes).

Anyway, it strains my relationship with my brother. He just came to

stay overnight with nada & fada for a race in town he was in. I was

invited for lunch but declined bc nada has been especially nutty

lately. So I couldn't see my brother bc he was staying with them and

he never stopped at our house while in town. I try desparately to

keep nada out of the equation of my relationship with my brother but

it is such a battle. I was also very hurt that he didn't make the

time to stop in to see us.

I also don't think my brother fully buys into the bpd diagnosis I

have readily subscribed to so he views dealing with her differently

bc of that also.

Your description of letting go of the dream is heart wrenching to me

and I can relate so much. I think most of us had a delusion that

things weren't that bad and mom really does love us, probably just to

survive but at some point that delusion doesn't serve us well anymore

and becomes harmful. Despite it now being a harmful delusion, it

doesn't mean we stop wanting to hang on to that dream of a normal

healthy family. That is where I equate nada as a bit of a drug that

we have to detox from.

Good for you for taking the time you need to digest all of this

stuff - it can be very overwhelming but I usually find those times

eventually lead to the next ahah moment.

Karin

>

> Hi all, I haven't posted on the forum for a while bc I have been

too

> confused and messed up about many things going on (no big exterior

> things, just emotional inside). I have been reading and have felt

> validated and supported by many of the posts, stories and advices

> though, so thanks for that. I am just very clearly in the process

of

> grieving the loss of a dream, an illusionary dream that things

would

> have been different or at least become different and better than

> they've been; and of trying to accept the fact that mother and my

FOO

> will not change. I have grieved the loss of my mother, and cried a

> lot and sometimes felt overwhelmed. The last days however, my grief

> is shifting towards my sister, who is very close to my mother in a

> way, and is in total denial. I used to say that I have a very good

> bond with my sister, in fact she used to be the most important

person

> in my life for a very long time and I would have done everything

for

> her and actually DID do very much for her. But now I have

increasing

> difficulties with the image I have of her. I begin to see that

> reality is different, and yes, less beautiful than I would have

> wanted it to be. Her behavior sometimes strikes me as very

egoistic,

> opportunistic, and in fact I feel used by her and feel I never get

> any recognition for anything I did, and that her caring about me

is --

> to say it gently -- very limited. I begin to see that she is very

> distantiated and really mostly thinks about herself.

> I was wondering if this is something others here can relate to.

That

> relationships with siblings also need to be put into question as a

> consequence of working through the discovery that mother has BPD?

>

> I hope that where you are it is as beautifully sunny as it is here

> today, and send you some rays of sunlight. Katrina

>

May 7, 2008

I missed you Miss berries and I did think about you. good to hear from you

>

> Oh yeah, I can relate. Through my realizing what nada has a bpd, my

> brother was very supportive and went through counseling with me and

> my parents about 2 yrs ago. But he lives farther away and has a hard

> time saying no to nada. He has chosen moderate/limited contact with

> nada and this seems to keep her happy and he can remain the good kid,

> still also receiving her finacial/gift supports (puck). I want

> desparately to remain close to him but when he is still in constant

> contact with her, she drags things out of him that I tell him without

> him even realizing it (also part of why I don't want to be around

> her - she is a master at drudging up info she needs to carry out her

> schemes).

>

> Anyway, it strains my relationship with my brother. He just came to

> stay overnight with nada & fada for a race in town he was in. I was

> invited for lunch but declined bc nada has been especially nutty

> lately. So I couldn't see my brother bc he was staying with them and

> he never stopped at our house while in town. I try desparately to

> keep nada out of the equation of my relationship with my brother but

> it is such a battle. I was also very hurt that he didn't make the

> time to stop in to see us.

>

> I also don't think my brother fully buys into the bpd diagnosis I

> have readily subscribed to so he views dealing with her differently

> bc of that also.

>

> Your description of letting go of the dream is heart wrenching to me

> and I can relate so much. I think most of us had a delusion that

> things weren't that bad and mom really does love us, probably just to

> survive but at some point that delusion doesn't serve us well anymore

> and becomes harmful. Despite it now being a harmful delusion, it

> doesn't mean we stop wanting to hang on to that dream of a normal

> healthy family. That is where I equate nada as a bit of a drug that

> we have to detox from.

>

> Good for you for taking the time you need to digest all of this

> stuff - it can be very overwhelming but I usually find those times

> eventually lead to the next ahah moment.

>

> Karin

>

> >

> > Hi all, I haven't posted on the forum for a while bc I have been

> too

> > confused and messed up about many things going on (no big exterior

> > things, just emotional inside). I have been reading and have felt

> > validated and supported by many of the posts, stories and advices

> > though, so thanks for that. I am just very clearly in the process

> of

> > grieving the loss of a dream, an illusionary dream that things

> would

> > have been different or at least become different and better than

> > they've been; and of trying to accept the fact that mother and my

> FOO

> > will not change. I have grieved the loss of my mother, and cried a

> > lot and sometimes felt overwhelmed. The last days however, my grief

> > is shifting towards my sister, who is very close to my mother in a

> > way, and is in total denial. I used to say that I have a very good

> > bond with my sister, in fact she used to be the most important

> person

> > in my life for a very long time and I would have done everything

> for

> > her and actually DID do very much for her. But now I have

> increasing

> > difficulties with the image I have of her. I begin to see that

> > reality is different, and yes, less beautiful than I would have

> > wanted it to be. Her behavior sometimes strikes me as very

> egoistic,

> > opportunistic, and in fact I feel used by her and feel I never get

> > any recognition for anything I did, and that her caring about me

> is --

> > to say it gently -- very limited. I begin to see that she is very

> > distantiated and really mostly thinks about herself.

> > I was wondering if this is something others here can relate to.

> That

> > relationships with siblings also need to be put into question as a

> > consequence of working through the discovery that mother has BPD?

> >

> > I hope that where you are it is as beautifully sunny as it is here

> > today, and send you some rays of sunlight. Katrina

> >

>

May 7, 2008

Hi Katrina,

It's good to see a post from you. Grief seems to be a huge part of

this process. Your picture of your sister is very similar to the one

that I have of mine. When I first began posting here people said

that it sounded like she had some characteristics of narcissism. I

don't know enough about it and her to know if that is what it is,

but our relationship has always been tense. I didn't go to her

wedding or baby shower because she has a tendency to treat me rudely

at family gatherings. She did this when I came to her college

graduation, and I swore her off, and then I went to apartment for a

Christmas thing a couple years ago and she was very rude and

dismissive of me the whole time. This past Christmas was the first

time that she has treated me like a real human being; since she

married she seems to have become more pleasant. But it's like she's

always seen me as someone who didn't really have a legitimate right

to exist, since she was 'here first' (by a whole year's time), and

she's always taken the attitude of trying to 'push me out' of the

family and put up a 'force field' between my parents and me. I never

really understood the extent to which she was playing into my

parents 'painting black' of me until I moved here, and it was quite

a shock to realize it and there was some grief with that. It was

like a tectonic plate shift, being around enough to witness her

maneuvering behind the scenes. I had taken on so much guilt growing

up for things that were not my fault and part of my identity was

mired in being the 'bad child', a position she lobbied to keep me in.

Right now is a very weird time for me. My perfect sister has given

birth to a not-so-perfect child. I can already see that this is

going to challenge her narcissistic tendencies in many ways. Even

now she hasn't given up on the thought of going back to work. It's

really frustrating to me, and I am not the only one in my family

that feels this way, because we have a hard time conceiving how she

could even consider it. I doubt she will find a daycare that will

take her little girl, if she is even allowed to leave the hospital

before the end of my sister's maternity leave, but we can't mention

it because my sister is adamant about going back to work. Her

husband makes good money...it's just like she has a reticence to

admit what has happened and face that her life will not be the same.

They've now said the other two surgeries the child needs will not be

given until two years of age. This is a long time to carry the

stress of making sure the child's airway is not cut off, which could

happen at any time if she is positioned wrong (laid on her back or

sitting in the wrong position, even her carseat is a special one in

which she can lay down on her tummy). I don't know, I am just saying

that it has been kind of a revelation watching her process this and

her tendency to insist things are a certain way because she wants

them to be and to insist others play along. She insisted from the

beginning her daughter wouldn't need an oxygen monitor at home. I've

had several semesters of medical classes and it freaked me out she'd

even say such a thing, and every time i tried to talk about it she'd

cut me off. Well, the baby was supposed to be able to come home this

week and thanks be to gods she will have an oxygen monitor (and

heart monitor though it is her breathing that is the dire

situation). I knew this from the beginning but my sister would not

hear it, even with a certification as a medical transcriptionist

which means I know what these medical terms mean when I read them,

and I knew anatomically how dangerous her daughters deformity is

from the first night I read about the syndrome. She has kind of

been in a bit of a plastic bubble. I know she will do fine in the

long run, it is just taking a long time for it to sink in that this

is something she has to accept, that she can't control into what she

wants it to be. Sorry for the long aside.

May 7, 2008

Oh man this brings up so many issues for me. I am the youngest of

four. My sister is the oldest, nine years older than me, and was

the first to alert me that mom was " off " although to the best of my

knowledge she is unaware of BPD. Over the years I turned to her for

advice and guidance on just about everything, essentially making her

my adopted mother, we became very close, and I soon regarded her as

one of my best friends. Mom always accused us of conspiring against

her. However, even though she knows mom is a wack job, and even

though my dad plays into mom's craziness to try to pretend like

everything's okay, my sister is extremely defensive of dad. She

also has a number of maddening little fleas of the narcissistic

variety. With my NC with my parents she initally was verbally

supportive but said that I shouldn't keep my kids from my parents as

it would be really unfair to dad. Since then she has pulled WAY

back on her interactions with me. If I call her, she'll be

friendly, but she never calls me. I think she's even avoiding

social engagements that we historically have gone to together. I

will be the first to admit that when I was growing up I may have

placed some unrealistic expectations on her as there is no way she

could truly be mothering to me beginning at age nine. She wasn't my

mother after all, and the sibling dynamic is completely different,

so the occasional jab she threw my way when we were young is to be

expected. Reflecting on our adult relationship, however, I realize

that it has been extremely one-sided. The only time she would

invite me to her house (outside of family gatherings)was if she had

a project she needed help with. We went for a walk once and I told

her it'd be nice if she invited me over just to hang out. Her

response was to abruptly turn around and speed-walk home, ignoring

me the whole way. I told her later that I was sorry if she was

upset by what I said but that's the way I felt. She gave me one of

those " oh you're such an idiot " smirks and changed the subject. I

was also a bridesmaid at her wedding. It was 110 degrees that day

and the church had no air conditioning. During the service I felt

like I was going to pass out so I left to a side room (as an aside,

my nearly-as-nuts-as-mom aunt came rushing in to console me

with " Don't think of it as losing a sister, think of it as gaining a

brother! " I couldn't convince her that I wasn't overcome with

grief, I was pre-syncopal). When my sister and I were looking at

her wedding photos I was missing from a lot of the ones from the

ceremony, and she made an off-handed comment about how I ruined her

wedding by going to another room. I was crushed. For YEARS I felt

guilty about that until last year when it came up and she casually

brushed it aside as, " Oh, I was only kidding. " She also compares us

constantly, and finds any little weakness of mine as a way to get in

a dig. I am realizing that I have something of a double-whammy: 1.

I didn't really have a mother, and 2. the person I chose to replace

my mother was and sometimes still is too immature and enmeshed to

play that role. So that is an extremely long-winded way of saying

yes, I can completely relate.

>

> Hi all, I haven't posted on the forum for a while bc I have been

too

> confused and messed up about many things going on (no big exterior

> things, just emotional inside). I have been reading and have felt

> validated and supported by many of the posts, stories and advices

> though, so thanks for that. I am just very clearly in the process

of

> grieving the loss of a dream, an illusionary dream that things

would

> have been different or at least become different and better than

> they've been; and of trying to accept the fact that mother and my

FOO

> will not change. I have grieved the loss of my mother, and cried a

> lot and sometimes felt overwhelmed. The last days however, my

grief

> is shifting towards my sister, who is very close to my mother in a

> way, and is in total denial. I used to say that I have a very good

> bond with my sister, in fact she used to be the most important

person

> in my life for a very long time and I would have done everything

for

> her and actually DID do very much for her. But now I have

increasing

> difficulties with the image I have of her. I begin to see that

> reality is different, and yes, less beautiful than I would have

> wanted it to be. Her behavior sometimes strikes me as very

egoistic,

> opportunistic, and in fact I feel used by her and feel I never get

> any recognition for anything I did, and that her caring about me

is --

> to say it gently -- very limited. I begin to see that she is very

> distantiated and really mostly thinks about herself.

> I was wondering if this is something others here can relate to.

That

> relationships with siblings also need to be put into question as a

> consequence of working through the discovery that mother has BPD?

>

> I hope that where you are it is as beautifully sunny as it is here

> today, and send you some rays of sunlight. Katrina

>

May 7, 2008

Yea Ms Berries is back. Hi honey. I am going through what you are going through

with the sibling thing. Once you let go of one illusion/delusion you cannot help

but see the dominos falling. My brother is a full blown Narc and has been very

ugly to me in the past. Ever since I dumped the sweet image of a loyal brother

from my mind I don't get as bent out of shape when he pulls a jerk stunt on me.

The next event is M-day and he has already told my nada that he and his wife

won't be spending it with her because they want to start a " tradition " with

their own little girl, they'll just do M-day for her some other time. I about

laughed my big ass right off. When my little brother needs something he is all

over a person like a duck on a june bug until he gets what he wants, when he

decides you are not useful anymore you don't exist.

Nada is getting what she deserves.

Suddenly M-day isn't looking so fubar after all.

Be strong

grieving mother, grieving sister

Hi all, I haven't posted on the forum for a while bc I have been too

confused and messed up about many things going on (no big exterior

things, just emotional inside). I have been reading and have felt

validated and supported by many of the posts, stories and advices

though, so thanks for that. I am just very clearly in the process of

grieving the loss of a dream, an illusionary dream that things would

have been different or at least become different and better than

they've been; and of trying to accept the fact that mother and my FOO

will not change. I have grieved the loss of my mother, and cried a

lot and sometimes felt overwhelmed. The last days however, my grief

is shifting towards my sister, who is very close to my mother in a

way, and is in total denial. I used to say that I have a very good

bond with my sister, in fact she used to be the most important person

in my life for a very long time and I would have done everything for

her and actually DID do very much for her. But now I have increasing

difficulties with the image I have of her. I begin to see that

reality is different, and yes, less beautiful than I would have

wanted it to be. Her behavior sometimes strikes me as very egoistic,

opportunistic, and in fact I feel used by her and feel I never get

any recognition for anything I did, and that her caring about me is --

to say it gently -- very limited. I begin to see that she is very

distantiated and really mostly thinks about herself.

I was wondering if this is something others here can relate to. That

relationships with siblings also need to be put into question as a

consequence of working through the discovery that mother has BPD?

I hope that where you are it is as beautifully sunny as it is here

today, and send you some rays of sunlight. Katrina

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May 7, 2008

Is your sister a touch BPD also? That's sad. I think so many of us

on this board. Have no parent and then lose siblings in the

process.

> >

> > Hi all, I haven't posted on the forum for a while bc I have been

> too

> > confused and messed up about many things going on (no big

exterior

> > things, just emotional inside). I have been reading and have felt

> > validated and supported by many of the posts, stories and advices

> > though, so thanks for that. I am just very clearly in the process

> of

> > grieving the loss of a dream, an illusionary dream that things

> would

> > have been different or at least become different and better than

> > they've been; and of trying to accept the fact that mother and my

> FOO

> > will not change. I have grieved the loss of my mother, and cried

a

> > lot and sometimes felt overwhelmed. The last days however, my

> grief

> > is shifting towards my sister, who is very close to my mother in

a

> > way, and is in total denial. I used to say that I have a very

good

> > bond with my sister, in fact she used to be the most important

> person

> > in my life for a very long time and I would have done everything

> for

> > her and actually DID do very much for her. But now I have

> increasing

> > difficulties with the image I have of her. I begin to see that

> > reality is different, and yes, less beautiful than I would have

> > wanted it to be. Her behavior sometimes strikes me as very

> egoistic,

> > opportunistic, and in fact I feel used by her and feel I never

get

> > any recognition for anything I did, and that her caring about me

> is --

> > to say it gently -- very limited. I begin to see that she is

very

> > distantiated and really mostly thinks about herself.

> > I was wondering if this is something others here can relate to.

> That

> > relationships with siblings also need to be put into question as

a

> > consequence of working through the discovery that mother has BPD?

> >

> > I hope that where you are it is as beautifully sunny as it is

here

> > today, and send you some rays of sunlight. Katrina

> >

>

May 7, 2008

This year is the year I went NC with my sister. All through my life

when I'd approach her for help about my parents, she'd eventually

stab me in the back, create a schmere campaign, or do some really

abusive damaging thing to me, and etc. After studying BPD, I

realized that my sister has always been severely Narcissistic. And

it seems there are several others in the family tree and only on my

mothers side who are the exact same way

....uncaring, egotistical, manipulative, self deserving and

arrogant with various different forms of the same theme...narcissism.

It's caused me to question my mother's diagnosis. Though, I really

can't because, she is so severely borderline, the books are written

about her! Yet, I think she has the ever popular " co-diagnosis. "

One nephew is (I think they call it) a somatic narcissist. With many

things pointing to looks as all important for him, and a source of

Narcissistic supply. One indication...he would not marry his

girlfriend unless she got breast implants and a nose job.

My other nephew turned his narcissism religoius and feels quite

arrogant and spiritually superior, and spurns those he feels as less

religious. Yet, himself is quite abusive.

My mother's first husband was clearly narcissitic and she sais how he

felt so superior and that people owed him. It makes me think twice

about some genetic component. And think " but for the grace of

God..there go I. " Or, maybe it's something in the way they are being

raised, fed, who knows.

Anyways, as I've come to learn more about these disorders, I can see

why I have always felt that I didn't really have a family. I felt

that very strongly as a child growing up and again as I've been

learning. It reminded me of all the abuse I'd been through.

> >

> > Hi all, I haven't posted on the forum for a while bc I have been

> too

> > confused and messed up about many things going on (no big

exterior

> > things, just emotional inside). I have been reading and have felt

> > validated and supported by many of the posts, stories and advices

> > though, so thanks for that. I am just very clearly in the process

> of

> > grieving the loss of a dream, an illusionary dream that things

> would

> > have been different or at least become different and better than

> > they've been; and of trying to accept the fact that mother and my

> FOO

> > will not change. I have grieved the loss of my mother, and cried

a

> > lot and sometimes felt overwhelmed. The last days however, my

> grief

> > is shifting towards my sister, who is very close to my mother in

a

> > way, and is in total denial. I used to say that I have a very

good

> > bond with my sister, in fact she used to be the most important

> person

> > in my life for a very long time and I would have done everything

> for

> > her and actually DID do very much for her. But now I have

> increasing

> > difficulties with the image I have of her. I begin to see that

> > reality is different, and yes, less beautiful than I would have

> > wanted it to be. Her behavior sometimes strikes me as very

> egoistic,

> > opportunistic, and in fact I feel used by her and feel I never

get

> > any recognition for anything I did, and that her caring about me

> is --

> > to say it gently -- very limited. I begin to see that she is

very

> > distantiated and really mostly thinks about herself.

> > I was wondering if this is something others here can relate to.

> That

> > relationships with siblings also need to be put into question as

a

> > consequence of working through the discovery that mother has BPD?

> >

> > I hope that where you are it is as beautifully sunny as it is

here

> > today, and send you some rays of sunlight. Katrina

> >

>

May 8, 2008

Reading some of the postings I am convinenced that we didn't have families.....

WE had CASE STUDIES.

:-)

Re: grieving mother, grieving sister

This year is the year I went NC with my sister. All through my life

when I'd approach her for help about my parents, she'd eventually

stab me in the back, create a schmere campaign, or do some really

abusive damaging thing to me, and etc. After studying BPD, I

realized that my sister has always been severely Narcissistic. And

it seems there are several others in the family tree and only on my

mothers side who are the exact same way

....uncaring, egotistical, manipulative, self deserving and

arrogant with various different forms of the same theme...narcissism.

It's caused me to question my mother's diagnosis. Though, I really

can't because, she is so severely borderline, the books are written

about her! Yet, I think she has the ever popular " co-diagnosis. "

One nephew is (I think they call it) a somatic narcissist. With many

things pointing to looks as all important for him, and a source of

Narcissistic supply. One indication.. .he would not marry his

girlfriend unless she got breast implants and a nose job.

My other nephew turned his narcissism religoius and feels quite

arrogant and spiritually superior, and spurns those he feels as less

religious. Yet, himself is quite abusive.

My mother's first husband was clearly narcissitic and she sais how he

felt so superior and that people owed him. It makes me think twice

about some genetic component. And think " but for the grace of

God..there go I. " Or, maybe it's something in the way they are being

raised, fed, who knows.

Anyways, as I've come to learn more about these disorders, I can see

why I have always felt that I didn't really have a family. I felt

that very strongly as a child growing up and again as I've been

learning. It reminded me of all the abuse I'd been through.

> >

> > Hi all, I haven't posted on the forum for a while bc I have been

> too

> > confused and messed up about many things going on (no big

exterior

> > things, just emotional inside). I have been reading and have felt

> > validated and supported by many of the posts, stories and advices

> > though, so thanks for that. I am just very clearly in the process

> of

> > grieving the loss of a dream, an illusionary dream that things

> would

> > have been different or at least become different and better than

> > they've been; and of trying to accept the fact that mother and my

> FOO

> > will not change. I have grieved the loss of my mother, and cried

a

> > lot and sometimes felt overwhelmed. The last days however, my

> grief

> > is shifting towards my sister, who is very close to my mother in

a

> > way, and is in total denial. I used to say that I have a very

good

> > bond with my sister, in fact she used to be the most important

> person

> > in my life for a very long time and I would have done everything

> for

> > her and actually DID do very much for her. But now I have

> increasing

> > difficulties with the image I have of her. I begin to see that

> > reality is different, and yes, less beautiful than I would have

> > wanted it to be. Her behavior sometimes strikes me as very

> egoistic,

> > opportunistic, and in fact I feel used by her and feel I never

get

> > any recognition for anything I did, and that her caring about me

> is --

> > to say it gently -- very limited. I begin to see that she is

very

> > distantiated and really mostly thinks about herself.

> > I was wondering if this is something others here can relate to.

> That

> > relationships with siblings also need to be put into question as

a

> > consequence of working through the discovery that mother has BPD?

> >

> > I hope that where you are it is as beautifully sunny as it is

here

> > today, and send you some rays of sunlight. Katrina

> >

>

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Mother” (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,” (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

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May 10, 2008

Sounds like your sister has some Narcissistic traits. That's what I

discovered about mine. My mother originally married an extremely

narcissitic man. And both of my siblings that were his children are

narcissitic. They are very self absorbed, egocentric and use others

for their own gain. My mother was thrilled one day when my NC

brother invited her to dinner. Had'nt done so in years. He sat at

dinner and told her that he wanted her to sell her land and give him

the money. I mean she was old anyways. Why not give him his

inheritance now? It absolutely broke her heart. And why did he want

the money? So, that he could build a new dog run! A new dog run to

sit outside his huge home by his four car garage. He was needing the

money. After all he'd just gotten back from Hawaii and hadn't any

jobs recently. Geez, one meal with him was worth all of that. Here

my mother has an extremely small home that needs a new roof. But,

paid for. So, my mom said, " well, I guess the dog is more important

than I am. " No, the dog was more important than anyone in his

life. The dog is an extension of himself. The one thing I learned

early about my brother is if you aren't constantly bragging him up

(Narcissitic fill) then you are a worthless no body who he can't get

along with. So, I don't try.

Same stuff with my sister. She was one shmear campaign after

another, manipulation after manipulation, etc all the while we were

growing up. Anything that she learned about me was used against me.

I finally went NC with her. I've had it.

Hi all, I

haven't posted on the forum for a while bc I have been too

> confused and messed up about many things going on (no big exterior

> things, just emotional inside). I have been reading and have felt

> validated and supported by many of the posts, stories and advices

> though, so thanks for that. I am just very clearly in the process

of

> grieving the loss of a dream, an illusionary dream that things

would

> have been different or at least become different and better than

> they've been; and of trying to accept the fact that mother and my

FOO

> will not change. I have grieved the loss of my mother, and cried a

> lot and sometimes felt overwhelmed. The last days however, my grief

> is shifting towards my sister, who is very close to my mother in a

> way, and is in total denial. I used to say that I have a very good

> bond with my sister, in fact she used to be the most important

person

> in my life for a very long time and I would have done everything

for

> her and actually DID do very much for her. But now I have

increasing

> difficulties with the image I have of her. I begin to see that

> reality is different, and yes, less beautiful than I would have

> wanted it to be. Her behavior sometimes strikes me as very

egoistic,

> opportunistic, and in fact I feel used by her and feel I never get

> any recognition for anything I did, and that her caring about me

is --

> to say it gently -- very limited. I begin to see that she is very

> distantiated and really mostly thinks about herself.

> I was wondering if this is something others here can relate to.

That

> relationships with siblings also need to be put into question as a

> consequence of working through the discovery that mother has BPD?

>

> I hope that where you are it is as beautifully sunny as it is here

> today, and send you some rays of sunlight. Katrina

>

> ---------------------------------

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Try it now.

>

May 13, 2008

Holy Cow. That is what I like about this board, when I think I have it rotten

there is always someone who can show me how good I really have it. This is one

thing my Narc brother would never think of doing. I hope you are paying

attention to her finances, because if he convinces her to sell her land who will

she go to live with? Yikes!!! Amazing!