Re: The why bother? moment

April 28, 2008

Yes. I had another one of those moments today. Where I just

thought " Oh, why bother! " It was more of an " Oh, why do I bother to

try to work with this nut! " It was over some moment this morning

when she called me crying, " I want to do anything to help your

little boy...I want to help pay for therapy anything he needs to help

him learn to talk and..... " Her voice trailing off. Which, sounded

sincere and nice.

So, I agreed to meet her in a while to exchange money for more speech

therapy. Well, she pulls up and honks mad as a hornet in a full

blown rage. Why? Because, " why does she have to give money when she

is the poorest of anyone. And people aren't even appreciative enough

to say thank you. " I commented to her that I had been thanking her.

Not to mention that she'd just asked to do it.

Then, she said " Well, I'm going to expect something in return for

this young lady. " And the list went on and on and was basically to

give her control of my life and whereabouts....NOT!!!!!!

The price for her " charity " is once again too dang high!!!!!!

I said, " Look, if it's too much for you then we won't do it. " So,

she flies again into a rage! Oh, honestly, going cold turkey into

what do you call it...NO CONTACT is looking more and more appealing

to me.

A gift for a child is just that...a GIFT! And I really don't think

that anything should be expected in return. Then, it is no longer a

gift...it is an exchange. It has been purchased at that point.

Anyways, sorry for rambling. Back to the subject at hand. I

remember going through something similar just into college when I

realized that my mother with all her " RULES " suddenly changed when

she was trying to force me into marrying a certain young man.

Suddenly, there were no rules...all of her high flootin' moral stuff

disappeared. I could stay out all night with him if I wanted to. I

could do anything with him that I wanted to. It made no sense to me

at all. What happened to all her moral lecturing? I just didn't get

it. But, it smelt like a control trip to me. Suddenly, moral

values didn't matter at all...it was all about who she wanted me to

be with, and when and where.

I went into a period of time when I felt just lost and confused. I

should have left home...when I tried to move out, she would suddenly

be having a nervous breakdown and it was my job to " save her "

and " take care of her. " In fact the day that I told her that I was

moving into an apartment, she was admitted to emergency with what

they called " transient amnesia. "

She couldn't remember anything for three days. Until, I began

talking about this guy that she wanted me to marry. ALl of a sudden

she was remembering things. I really believed this was my fault.

Looking back, I would have let her have her nervous breakdown rather

than let her take over my life the way that she did. And let those

around her pick up the pieces. The cost was way too high for me. I

was extremely un-happy for so long.

I ended up married to the only man she'd accept. Instead, of the man

that I wanted. I ended up giving up so much. And, of course, the

man she chose for me was ...guess what? A male version of her BPD

self. Perfect for her...not for me. And then with him I ended up

giving up everything else I aspired to in my life to prevent a rage.

But, I remember what you speak of...the why bother. It's sort of a

why do I bother to do anything I want to, anything good at all?

My moment in this sort of funk was not a good thing. I lost sight of

what I wanted entirely. I think it was during that time that I was

just not thinking clearly. Some man had been stalking me. But, I

wasn't paying attention. I was just getting into any car. And so of

course, I was sexually attacked. The lights began to turn on that I

can't let someone else take the control away from me. I need to have

in my life the things that I choose for myself. Or, I will not have

a shot at developing into the person that I want to be. And I will

have no motivation.

>

> I don't know about all of you, but I distinctly remember having

> a " why bother? " moment with my mom. She accused me of sleeping

with

> my boyfriend when I hadn't, lying when I hadn't, saying things I

> hadn't said, and you know the routine. Well, in high school I

> decided I wanted to start exercising, so I started waking up at

5:30

> to do it. Mom was convinced I was doing drugs. She'd come down

> every morning as I was doing aerobics in front of the television

set

> and hiss, " You're doing drugs, aren't you?!? I know you are.

> Nobody wakes up at 5:30 to exercise. " After the third day in a row

> of this, I have a very clear memory of thinking, " Why do I even

> bother? " and it was then that I began to engage in some admittedly

> very reckless behavior, figuring, well, if she's going to accuse me

> of doing it anyway, might as well see what it's all about.

> Fortunately for me none of my escapades really turned out to be

> anything lasting, but the memory of that thought is so vivid. Did

> any of you have similar experiences, sort of like the anti- " ah-hah "

> moment?

>

> The irony of all this is that up until that point I was such a

> pollyanna, and it was only after her campaign of false accusations

> that I started actually misbehaving. And then of course any time I

> got caught it only " proved " her previous accusations.

>

April 28, 2008

Yes, the why bother thoughts started about 2 years before I went NC and the

last thought before going NC was " Why would I care about or want to spend

time with someone who treats me the way you do? Oh, I don't. Okay cool

seeya "

>

> Yes. I had another one of those moments today. Where I just

> thought " Oh, why bother! " It was more of an " Oh, why do I bother to

> try to work with this nut! " It was over some moment this morning

> when she called me crying, " I want to do anything to help your

> little boy...I want to help pay for therapy anything he needs to help

> him learn to talk and..... " Her voice trailing off. Which, sounded

> sincere and nice.

>

> So, I agreed to meet her in a while to exchange money for more speech

> therapy. Well, she pulls up and honks mad as a hornet in a full

> blown rage. Why? Because, " why does she have to give money when she

> is the poorest of anyone. And people aren't even appreciative enough

> to say thank you. " I commented to her that I had been thanking her.

> Not to mention that she'd just asked to do it.

>

> Then, she said " Well, I'm going to expect something in return for

> this young lady. " And the list went on and on and was basically to

> give her control of my life and whereabouts....NOT!!!!!!

>

> The price for her " charity " is once again too dang high!!!!!!

>

> I said, " Look, if it's too much for you then we won't do it. " So,

> she flies again into a rage! Oh, honestly, going cold turkey into

> what do you call it...NO CONTACT is looking more and more appealing

> to me.

>

> A gift for a child is just that...a GIFT! And I really don't think

> that anything should be expected in return. Then, it is no longer a

> gift...it is an exchange. It has been purchased at that point.

>

> Anyways, sorry for rambling. Back to the subject at hand. I

> remember going through something similar just into college when I

> realized that my mother with all her " RULES " suddenly changed when

> she was trying to force me into marrying a certain young man.

>

> Suddenly, there were no rules...all of her high flootin' moral stuff

> disappeared. I could stay out all night with him if I wanted to. I

> could do anything with him that I wanted to. It made no sense to me

> at all. What happened to all her moral lecturing? I just didn't get

> it. But, it smelt like a control trip to me. Suddenly, moral

> values didn't matter at all...it was all about who she wanted me to

> be with, and when and where.

>

> I went into a period of time when I felt just lost and confused. I

> should have left home...when I tried to move out, she would suddenly

> be having a nervous breakdown and it was my job to " save her "

> and " take care of her. " In fact the day that I told her that I was

> moving into an apartment, she was admitted to emergency with what

> they called " transient amnesia. "

>

> She couldn't remember anything for three days. Until, I began

> talking about this guy that she wanted me to marry. ALl of a sudden

> she was remembering things. I really believed this was my fault.

> Looking back, I would have let her have her nervous breakdown rather

> than let her take over my life the way that she did. And let those

> around her pick up the pieces. The cost was way too high for me. I

> was extremely un-happy for so long.

>

> I ended up married to the only man she'd accept. Instead, of the man

> that I wanted. I ended up giving up so much. And, of course, the

> man she chose for me was ...guess what? A male version of her BPD

> self. Perfect for her...not for me. And then with him I ended up

> giving up everything else I aspired to in my life to prevent a rage.

>

> But, I remember what you speak of...the why bother. It's sort of a

> why do I bother to do anything I want to, anything good at all?

> My moment in this sort of funk was not a good thing. I lost sight of

> what I wanted entirely. I think it was during that time that I was

> just not thinking clearly. Some man had been stalking me. But, I

> wasn't paying attention. I was just getting into any car. And so of

> course, I was sexually attacked. The lights began to turn on that I

> can't let someone else take the control away from me. I need to have

> in my life the things that I choose for myself. Or, I will not have

> a shot at developing into the person that I want to be. And I will

> have no motivation.

>

> >

> > I don't know about all of you, but I distinctly remember having

> > a " why bother? " moment with my mom. She accused me of sleeping

> with

> > my boyfriend when I hadn't, lying when I hadn't, saying things I

> > hadn't said, and you know the routine. Well, in high school I

> > decided I wanted to start exercising, so I started waking up at

> 5:30

> > to do it. Mom was convinced I was doing drugs. She'd come down

> > every morning as I was doing aerobics in front of the television

> set

> > and hiss, " You're doing drugs, aren't you?!? I know you are.

> > Nobody wakes up at 5:30 to exercise. " After the third day in a row

> > of this, I have a very clear memory of thinking, " Why do I even

> > bother? " and it was then that I began to engage in some admittedly

> > very reckless behavior, figuring, well, if she's going to accuse me

> > of doing it anyway, might as well see what it's all about.

> > Fortunately for me none of my escapades really turned out to be

> > anything lasting, but the memory of that thought is so vivid. Did

> > any of you have similar experiences, sort of like the anti- " ah-hah "

> > moment?

> >

> > The irony of all this is that up until that point I was such a

> > pollyanna, and it was only after her campaign of false accusations

> > that I started actually misbehaving. And then of course any time I

> > got caught it only " proved " her previous accusations.

> >

>

April 28, 2008

I'm starting to see the last five years of my life as a 'why bother'

moment. I now have a grasp on what all of this stuff is though and

before I had no clue. I know that the abuse from the bpd father and

whatever mother is the real culprit behind the 'depression' I've felt

all my life. I still hear it in my father's voice sometime, the

contempt he spits out when he refers to me in the 2nd person. And it's

his own self-hatred he is projecting. And I'm in the process of

realizing, good christ how ridiculous, because I am a good person. I

get A's in school, I work hard, I pay taxes and am law-abiding. It's

insane and obscene that some people hate themselves so much they have

to project it. But they do, and the cycle continues through

generations.

April 29, 2008

Honestly, I think what you're describing is a boundary issue. We have

problems with boundaries as KO's. Not only drawing boundaries for the

nadas/fadas, but also for ourselves, which explains why a lot of us

experiment with risk-taking behaviors. We can't even define our own

boundaries and were exposed to so much danger as children that we

somehow feel " invincible " . Like, we were thrown in the fire and

survived, so why not dance back into it?

My risk-taking behaviors manifested in a form of a hidden sexual

lifestyle that many would term deviant. Without going into a lot of

detail, let's just say that I did nothing illegal or unlawful, and

never for money, but it did help me to work out my power (and the

lack thereof) issues. In retrospect, I was playing a pretty dangerous

game, because other people were working out their own issues in that

lifestyle, and my lack of boundaries or any sense of danger in what

can be putting your life in someone else's hands without knowing them

all that well, could have gotten me killed or worse.

It was when I went through therapy for anxiety disorder, panic

attacks and severe depression that I realized the danger I was

putting myself in, because for the first time in my life, I was

learning what normal boundaries were, how to set them for myself,

what was real danger and what wasn't and how to tell the difference.

It was like breathing underwater on a scuba dive for the first time -

completely not my normal. With help, I learned what real danger is

and can be, and what it isn't, and how to take control of my own life

and my own boundaries, without shame or influence from nada.