Re: disliking yourself

[Guest guest]

Qwerty -

I know about those feelings of feeling

like you're an alien. My nada used to

glare at me with this threatening look of

intense wide-eyed shock and say things like:

How can you THINK SUCH A THING ???!!!

(She had these redundant sing-songie

phrases that she repeated all the time,

always in the exact same robot voice.)

It wasn't like my thoughts were incorrect

or in disagreement with hers, it was as

if they could not possibly exist in this

world, as if me and my mind were on some

other plane somewhere -- outside of logic.

It was very weird and dissociating -- like

something the CIA would do to you. Good luck

to you. I can relate to what you are saying.

[Guest guest]

Healthy outrage helps me - better to be angry than sad in that anger

at least has power & purpose if you harness it effectively. It gives

me energy & strength to enforce boundaries when necessary. Sadness,

no matter how well channeled, is more about powerlessness,

passivity, helplessness. I'm sad as hell & I'm not going to take it

anymore!!! doesn't have the same ring to it, does it? Interesting

the emotion that nada forbade most strictly was anger, telling me

I " must never " be angry with anyone, I " must never " hate, trying to

inoculate me against the tools I might use to escape her craziness.

Another thing that helped was to change the standards nada set for

me to ones I set for myself. Start with small things & go from

there. Honestly I had issues about which way to fold bath towels

( " folding them in eighths rather than sixteenths is what stupid

people do - see? if anyone looks in your linen closet, they can see

how stupid you are, right here), the morality or lack thereof of

using a dishwasher rather than washing dishes by hand - and don't

even get into if " wearing rubber gloves is for people who think

they're better than everyone else " . Using hand lotion was an

epiphany.

I think I know that insidious premise you're talking about: the one

that says I'm not good enough, never will be, & I'm just not worth

the trouble. Not to anyone, not even (especially?) to myself.

LEARN TO DISPUTE THIS - if nada said you were a rabbit, even

hundreds of times over many years, you'd look at yourself in the

mirror & quickly call bulls***. Because " scapegoat " & " pathetic "

are intangibles this is more difficult and requires a different

type of mirror.

Have you ever read A New Guide to Rational Living by Albert Ellis?

It really helped me learn how to effectively dispute her words &

beliefs which had become internalized in my head.

Last, and I'm sorry this is so long, I'm not sure if you're LC/NC or

what with nada & rest of sibs but maybe the boundaries you have

aren't working anymore. I eventually discovered my self-loathing

was from continuing in dysfunctional family relationships where my

boundaries were not respected, not necessarily from what had gone on

in the past. If you have a therapist to help you talk this through

that might be good too - my impression is you may be a little

depressed as well.

Take care.

[Guest guest]

qwerty,

I have no idea how one begins to like themselves, but I'm trying REALLY hard. I

could've written your post. I ask my partner all the time how she could stand to

be with someone like me when she's so wonderful and so far out of my league. I'm

constantly down on myself. I say the worst things, things I would never dream of

saying or thinking about another soul, to myself. My job is at a charity and I

spend most of my non-work time doing everything for anyone else anyway, just so

I don't have to think about ME. I absolutely LOATHE me. I can't stand the sight

of myself in the mirror. I can't stand to hear my own name. It's bad. But, I've

been trying really hard and some things are starting to work.

I knew I couldn't just suddenly start being nice to myself, so I started

concentrating on doing good things for myself and my partner. I care enough

about our relationship to really work at making a happy home. And of course,

half of that couple is me. I've managed to clean the house (and keep it that

way), I've lost some weight, our finances are better, and many other small, but

nice things. Slowly it's creeping into my head. I've started looking around and

feeling *gasp* a little proud of myself. I've been in a better mood to. I'm

working my way up to having fun. I don't even know what I like to do to have

fun. I'm pretty sure I've never done it. But I will let myself work and working

for me is really really helping. Hopefully a few more months will show a bigger

difference, but it's something. Best of all, these are things I didn't do to

please nada. I did them for my partner and myself. I think that's what's making

such a big difference. I'm

concentrating on the here and now, not all the things I could never get right

to please her, and I've realized a few things about myself weren't as bad as she

made me believe. It's slow and I have no idea if that would work for anyone

else, but it's the best I've done so far at liking myself.

Hope that helps.

Jae

disliking yourself

This holiday weekend has been intense for me, not because my nada was

here (she wasn't, thank the gods!) but because my half siblings were.

I realized that even within the context of being with my half

siblings, I am treated as a scapegoat. Injustices visited upon us by

our parents suddenly become my fault. And I am, once again, made to

feel like an outsider, like I don't really belong with them. How

familiar. That's how my mother and younger brother make me feel.

I've realized that I carry this feeling with me wherever I go.

Wherever I am, I feel like I don't belong. Like I come from nowhere,

and I have no home. I have a wonderful husband and two cute animals, I

love them all but I sometimes wonder how my husband can stand to love

a person like me. At my core, I feel lower than dirt.

I know this isn't true, I can think of positive qualities I possess.

And I know that this feeling is the remnant of my nada's voice in my

head and heart. But it's still there, and it hurts terribly.

I know I need to accept myself, and eventually like myself, if I am to

make any progress in my relationship with myself and consequently,

others. But I don't really know how to do that, or where to begin. I

feel like at some level, the mere act of thinking that I am not a

scapegoat or a pathetic person is a big lie. It's like there's a

horrible alien in me that is trying to kill off the real me, or force

it to merge into the alien. Does that make any sense?

How do I get rid of this insidious premise, upon which so much of my

behavior is based? How do I begin to accept myself?

qwerty

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____

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[Guest guest]

>

> Healthy outrage helps me - better to be angry than sad in that anger

> at least has power & purpose if you harness it effectively. It gives

> me energy & strength to enforce boundaries when necessary. Sadness,

> no matter how well channeled, is more about powerlessness,

> passivity, helplessness.

I eventually discovered my self-loathing

> was from continuing in dysfunctional family relationships where my

> boundaries were not respected, not necessarily from what had gone on

> in the past.

This is so true! Many's the time I sat in therapy and just cried and

cried about different things. Since going NC, I don't think I have

dropped even one tear in therapy. My world isn't perfect, but I have

all but abandoned that helplessness posture I seemed to always have

when I saw my therapist.

It wasn't until my therapist said, " But she's STILL doing it to you "

that I realized my past wasn't holding me up so much as my present

was. It was hard to recognize, though, because her control tactics

looked different after I moved out of the house.

So what was *really* hurting me was letting her violate my boundaries

over and over and over, but I was so used to doing that, that I didn't

even realize it was hurting me.

[Guest guest]

Dear qwerty,

Your post really touched me, especially that feeling of carrying

wherever you go the sense that you aren't valuable or worthy.

Although the BP in my life is my partner's mom, and neither of my

parents have BPD, because of my father's " tough love " and verbal

abuse I often felt this way when I was younger. I suppose I

recognize in your post a kindred spirit.

There are three things that helped me the most that I want to share

in case they can help you. The first was therapy. If you don't

already see a therapist, and if you are able, I highly recommend it.

It will be a balm to your soul to be able to express to someone how

you are feeling, someone who will not only listen without passing

judgment, but who will teach you coping strategies. When we grow up

in abusive homes, we don't pick up the skills other healthy people

have to combat those negative voices or negative " self-talk " that

tells us we are worthless or bad. Sometimes we don't even

*recognize* that the negative self-talk is taking place until we feel

absolutely miserable and then realize the broken record that has been

playing in our heads, telling us in response to every little

insignificant situation that things are our fault, or if we had just

been a better person, things would be different. My therapist helped

me to recognize when it was happening, and I was astonished at the

negativity when I started to look for it. I hadn't realized that

MOST of the time, my thoughts were along these lines.

The second thing that helped me, in conjunction with seeing a

therapist, was journaling. I recorded what kinds of negative

thoughts I had, when I had them, and through the help of my

therapist, I began to unravel what situations or insecurities

triggered those thoughts. She also helped me find ways to fight

those negative thoughts. I'm not really one for touchy-feely " I am a

good person no matter what " type things...and I had a great therapist

that really knew how to appeal to my rational side. So I would come

up with rational counter-thoughts to fight the negative self-talk;

for example, in your case it might be something like " Every grievance

my siblings have with my parents cannot actually be my fault. In

fact, it's clear that these grievances are the result of tension

between each sibling and our parents. Thus it's irrational for me to

blame myself and take responsibility, when each sibling is

responsible for his/her interaction with our parents. " At first it

almost felt kind of hokey telling myself positive things to combat

negative thoughts, but eventually I realized that the positive

thoughts truly were logical, healthy, normal responses that I should

have.

Journaling also makes you realize, especially when you go back and

read past stuff, how skewed the negative thinking really is. With

hindsight, you can look at a situation and see the many factors that

come into play and realize that it really isn't any deficiency in

*you* that causes certain things to happen.

The third thing I did was to spend time with positive and affirming

people. This wasn't necessarily easy for me; my job actually

requires me to contantly give critique and find holes in other

people's thinking/arguments (and all my colleagues have to do this

too!), but eventually I succeeded. It makes a huge difference to

surround yourself with a new kind of " family " who affirms you rather

than blames you, who knows how to treat other human beings. I

volunteered for an anti-domestic violence organization in my area and

this is how I found these people, so in more ways than one, it was a

godsend. As I volunteered, I started to feel like I was doing

something about my situation, maybe not directly with my own family,

but by helping others. Plus I had good, supportive people around to

affirm me with all of my unique and special traits, people who

reinforced the positive work I was doing individually in changing my

thinking.

My life has turned around a lot since I did these things (and I still

struggle with fighting negative self-talk, especially during very

high anxiety cycles--that's when it gets the worst). But for me

these things really worked...maybe they might be helpful for you,

too. You have my sincere empathy. I know what this feels like, and

I hope you will be able to give yourself the gift of loving yourself

and learning to fight that voice that tells you lies about yourself.

I wish you peace and healing.

Best wishes,

S.

>

> This holiday weekend has been intense for me, not because my nada

was

> here (she wasn't, thank the gods!) but because my half siblings

were.

> I realized that even within the context of being with my half

> siblings, I am treated as a scapegoat. Injustices visited upon us by

> our parents suddenly become my fault. And I am, once again, made to

> feel like an outsider, like I don't really belong with them. How

> familiar. That's how my mother and younger brother make me feel.

>

> I've realized that I carry this feeling with me wherever I go.

> Wherever I am, I feel like I don't belong. Like I come from nowhere,

> and I have no home. I have a wonderful husband and two cute

animals, I

> love them all but I sometimes wonder how my husband can stand to

love

> a person like me. At my core, I feel lower than dirt.

>

> I know this isn't true, I can think of positive qualities I possess.

> And I know that this feeling is the remnant of my nada's voice in my

> head and heart. But it's still there, and it hurts terribly.

>

> I know I need to accept myself, and eventually like myself, if I am

to

> make any progress in my relationship with myself and consequently,

> others. But I don't really know how to do that, or where to begin. I

> feel like at some level, the mere act of thinking that I am not a

> scapegoat or a pathetic person is a big lie. It's like there's a

> horrible alien in me that is trying to kill off the real me, or

force

> it to merge into the alien. Does that make any sense?

>

> How do I get rid of this insidious premise, upon which so much of my

> behavior is based? How do I begin to accept myself?

>

> qwerty

>

[Guest guest]

One thing that really helped me, as hokey as it sounds, was to write

a letter to my " inner child. "

In the SWOEW, Randi asks you to picture a small child locked in a car

on a hot day, and imagine how you would react to the situation. Then,

realize that you were once that child (metaphorically...).

So, even though it sounded silly, I sat down and wrote that child

(mini-me) a letter. I included lots of praise for the things I like

about myself (even my adult self). I also promised to stand up for

her and protect her and to always love her. I told her that even if

other people in her life fail to give it to her, she is worthy of

love. I told her that God has a purpose for her and can help her

turn her suffering into strength, and that she is a special and

unique creature whom God loves as if she were the only one He ever

made.

Anyway, it was a surprisingly empowering and comforting exercise.

Also, therapy has worked wonders. My therapist suggested trying to

talk to myself the same way I would talk to someone else asking me

for advice; she said we're usually much harder on ourselves than on

anyone else. If I would tell someone else that no one person can do

everything, why would I expect myself to be able to do everything?

Why should I use a different standard? I had to learn to say to

myself, " Hey, that's ok. " " You're ok, and that's normal. " " You know

what to do. " " You'll figure it out. " " You can handle it. " " You are

smart and capable. " " Everyone makes mistakes. " etc. Change that

inner dialogue.

Those two things are what have helped me the very most. Hope that is

helpful to you =)

kt

[Guest guest]

PS. Another thing the SWOEW suggested was to ask some very trusted

friends to tell you how they see you. This can help if you get stuck

trying to think of things you like, and can also help you see

yourself in new ways.

>

> One thing that really helped me, as hokey as it sounds, was to

write

> a letter to my " inner child. "

>

> In the SWOEW, Randi asks you to picture a small child locked in a

car

> on a hot day, and imagine how you would react to the situation.

Then,

> realize that you were once that child (metaphorically...).

>

> So, even though it sounded silly, I sat down and wrote that child

> (mini-me) a letter. I included lots of praise for the things I

like

> about myself (even my adult self). I also promised to stand up for

> her and protect her and to always love her. I told her that even

if

> other people in her life fail to give it to her, she is worthy of

> love. I told her that God has a purpose for her and can help her

> turn her suffering into strength, and that she is a special and

> unique creature whom God loves as if she were the only one He ever

> made.

>

> Anyway, it was a surprisingly empowering and comforting exercise.

>

> Also, therapy has worked wonders. My therapist suggested trying to

> talk to myself the same way I would talk to someone else asking me

> for advice; she said we're usually much harder on ourselves than on

> anyone else. If I would tell someone else that no one person can

do

> everything, why would I expect myself to be able to do everything?

> Why should I use a different standard? I had to learn to say to

> myself, " Hey, that's ok. " " You're ok, and that's normal. " " You

know

> what to do. " " You'll figure it out. " " You can handle it. " " You

are

> smart and capable. " " Everyone makes mistakes. " etc. Change that

> inner dialogue.

>

> Those two things are what have helped me the very most. Hope that

is

> helpful to you =)

>

> kt

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, Jae, what you said " I can't stand to hear my own name. " I

gasped out loud when I read this.....I hate my name. I don't like

to hear it or even see it. My dh bought me a little trinket with my

name on it and I cringe every time I see it. My nada bought me a

huge initial and when I said " what the heck do it do with this " she

said " hang it up " . I have never, ever, heard anyone else say they

didn't like their own name. Is this a flea or what???

I have been made to feel that my nada and sister belonged to

a " club " and that I would never fit in. This because I don't drink

or like to fight. They have a huge love/hate/drinking buddy fest for

each other......and

I am just unloveable, uncool, and square.....all this because I

refuse to be around them. I was never strong enough to stand up to

the two of them leaving me feeling like a huge wimp. I hate myself

for this. I have let the two of them walk all over me, scaring me

to the point of ridicules. I love the saying " it's like being

pecked to death by chicken's " so slow and so painful. They have

done some serious damage....but then I let them. NO MORE!!! I have

found my voice!!!

I am not nice to myself either. I say horrible things to myself. I

know these things are not true. I have loads of good friends and

people around me who love me very much. My kids are great, my

husband is great, why don't I feel great??? Flea???

I need and have needed validation from my nada that I am good. I

know my nada can't see my goodness.......and she probably never

will. So for years I have beat myself and carried this burden

around.......for what??? A sick nada, probably sister, BPD, and I

can't do a damn thing about any of it.

Its just so depressing......drlingirl

>

> qwerty,

>

> I have no idea how one begins to like themselves, but I'm trying

REALLY hard. I could've written your post. I ask my partner all the

time how she could stand to be with someone like me when she's so

wonderful and so far out of my league. I'm constantly down on

myself. I say the worst things, things I would never dream of saying

or thinking about another soul, to myself. My job is at a charity

and I spend most of my non-work time doing everything for anyone

else anyway, just so I don't have to think about ME. I absolutely

LOATHE me. I can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror. I can't

stand to hear my own name. It's bad. But, I've been trying really

hard and some things are starting to work.

>

> I knew I couldn't just suddenly start being nice to myself, so I

started concentrating on doing good things for myself and my

partner. I care enough about our relationship to really work at

making a happy home. And of course, half of that couple is me. I've

managed to clean the house (and keep it that way), I've lost some

weight, our finances are better, and many other small, but nice

things. Slowly it's creeping into my head. I've started looking

around and feeling *gasp* a little proud of myself. I've been in a

better mood to. I'm working my way up to having fun. I don't even

know what I like to do to have fun. I'm pretty sure I've never done

it. But I will let myself work and working for me is really really

helping. Hopefully a few more months will show a bigger difference,

but it's something. Best of all, these are things I didn't do to

please nada. I did them for my partner and myself. I think that's

what's making such a big difference. I'm

> concentrating on the here and now, not all the things I could

never get right to please her, and I've realized a few things about

myself weren't as bad as she made me believe. It's slow and I have

no idea if that would work for anyone else, but it's the best I've

done so far at liking myself.

>

>

> Hope that helps.

>

> Jae

>

>

> disliking yourself

>

> This holiday weekend has been intense for me, not because my nada

was

> here (she wasn't, thank the gods!) but because my half siblings

were.

> I realized that even within the context of being with my half

> siblings, I am treated as a scapegoat. Injustices visited upon us

by

> our parents suddenly become my fault. And I am, once again, made to

> feel like an outsider, like I don't really belong with them. How

> familiar. That's how my mother and younger brother make me feel.

>

> I've realized that I carry this feeling with me wherever I go.

> Wherever I am, I feel like I don't belong. Like I come from

nowhere,

> and I have no home. I have a wonderful husband and two cute

animals, I

> love them all but I sometimes wonder how my husband can stand to

love

> a person like me. At my core, I feel lower than dirt.

>

> I know this isn't true, I can think of positive qualities I

possess.

> And I know that this feeling is the remnant of my nada's voice in

my

> head and heart. But it's still there, and it hurts terribly.

>

> I know I need to accept myself, and eventually like myself, if I

am to

> make any progress in my relationship with myself and consequently,

> others. But I don't really know how to do that, or where to begin.

I

> feel like at some level, the mere act of thinking that I am not a

> scapegoat or a pathetic person is a big lie. It's like there's a

> horrible alien in me that is trying to kill off the real me, or

force

> it to merge into the alien. Does that make any sense?

>

> How do I get rid of this insidious premise, upon which so much of

my

> behavior is based? How do I begin to accept myself?

>

> qwerty

>

>

>

>

>

>

_____________________________________________________________________

_______________

> Be a better pen pal.

> Text or chat with friends inside Yahoo! Mail. See how.

http://overview.mail.yahoo.com/

>

>

[Guest guest]

GAH!!!

I HAVE THE SAME THING WITH HEARING MY NAME! i do not like it. i

would prefer to be refered to by my last name (and i'm a teacher, so

that's normally how i am refered to), but if someone says my first

name, it just sounds wrong. in fact, i'm MUCH more comfortable

answering to " hey you! " than my given name.

that is so weird.

> >

> > qwerty,

> >

> > I have no idea how one begins to like themselves, but I'm trying

> REALLY hard. I could've written your post. I ask my partner all the

> time how she could stand to be with someone like me when she's so

> wonderful and so far out of my league. I'm constantly down on

> myself. I say the worst things, things I would never dream of

saying

> or thinking about another soul, to myself. My job is at a charity

> and I spend most of my non-work time doing everything for anyone

> else anyway, just so I don't have to think about ME. I absolutely

> LOATHE me. I can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror. I can't

> stand to hear my own name. It's bad. But, I've been trying really

> hard and some things are starting to work.

> >

> > I knew I couldn't just suddenly start being nice to myself, so I

> started concentrating on doing good things for myself and my

> partner. I care enough about our relationship to really work at

> making a happy home. And of course, half of that couple is me. I've

> managed to clean the house (and keep it that way), I've lost some

> weight, our finances are better, and many other small, but nice

> things. Slowly it's creeping into my head. I've started looking

> around and feeling *gasp* a little proud of myself. I've been in a

> better mood to. I'm working my way up to having fun. I don't even

> know what I like to do to have fun. I'm pretty sure I've never done

> it. But I will let myself work and working for me is really really

> helping. Hopefully a few more months will show a bigger difference,

> but it's something. Best of all, these are things I didn't do to

> please nada. I did them for my partner and myself. I think that's

> what's making such a big difference. I'm

> > concentrating on the here and now, not all the things I could

> never get right to please her, and I've realized a few things about

> myself weren't as bad as she made me believe. It's slow and I have

> no idea if that would work for anyone else, but it's the best I've

> done so far at liking myself.

> >

> >

> > Hope that helps.

> >

> > Jae

> >

> >

> > disliking yourself

> >

> > This holiday weekend has been intense for me, not because my nada

> was

> > here (she wasn't, thank the gods!) but because my half siblings

> were.

> > I realized that even within the context of being with my half

> > siblings, I am treated as a scapegoat. Injustices visited upon us

> by

> > our parents suddenly become my fault. And I am, once again, made

to

> > feel like an outsider, like I don't really belong with them. How

> > familiar. That's how my mother and younger brother make me feel.

> >

> > I've realized that I carry this feeling with me wherever I go.

> > Wherever I am, I feel like I don't belong. Like I come from

> nowhere,

> > and I have no home. I have a wonderful husband and two cute

> animals, I

> > love them all but I sometimes wonder how my husband can stand to

> love

> > a person like me. At my core, I feel lower than dirt.

> >

> > I know this isn't true, I can think of positive qualities I

> possess.

> > And I know that this feeling is the remnant of my nada's voice in

> my

> > head and heart. But it's still there, and it hurts terribly.

> >

> > I know I need to accept myself, and eventually like myself, if I

> am to

> > make any progress in my relationship with myself and consequently,

> > others. But I don't really know how to do that, or where to

begin.

> I

> > feel like at some level, the mere act of thinking that I am not a

> > scapegoat or a pathetic person is a big lie. It's like there's a

> > horrible alien in me that is trying to kill off the real me, or

> force

> > it to merge into the alien. Does that make any sense?

> >

> > How do I get rid of this insidious premise, upon which so much of

> my

> > behavior is based? How do I begin to accept myself?

> >

> > qwerty

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

_____________________________________________________________________

> _______________

> > Be a better pen pal.

> > Text or chat with friends inside Yahoo! Mail. See how.

> http://overview.mail.yahoo.com/

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

hey qwerty, i know how you feel. sometimes i wonder when my husband

will figure out that i'm damaged goods and move on. i didn't really

like myself for a long time. the thing that really helped me get

over it was thinking back to what i wanted to do and be as a kid and

then making those things a reality. like...when i was a kid, i loved

cartoons and wanted to make them, so i spent two years learning how

to make animation. that was the most fun i've ever had EVER! and i

also wanted to be a paleontologist, so this summer i am going to

start my geology classes. i guess this is kind of like the " inner-

child " idea, except that i now have an " inner-adult " that comes out

every once in a while to pay bills and whatnot.

i don't know if this is helpful or not...i hope it is, though!

bink

>

> This holiday weekend has been intense for me, not because my nada

was

> here (she wasn't, thank the gods!) but because my half siblings

were.

> I realized that even within the context of being with my half

> siblings, I am treated as a scapegoat. Injustices visited upon us by

> our parents suddenly become my fault. And I am, once again, made to

> feel like an outsider, like I don't really belong with them. How

> familiar. That's how my mother and younger brother make me feel.

>

> I've realized that I carry this feeling with me wherever I go.

> Wherever I am, I feel like I don't belong. Like I come from nowhere,

> and I have no home. I have a wonderful husband and two cute

animals, I

> love them all but I sometimes wonder how my husband can stand to

love

> a person like me. At my core, I feel lower than dirt.

>

> I know this isn't true, I can think of positive qualities I possess.

> And I know that this feeling is the remnant of my nada's voice in my

> head and heart. But it's still there, and it hurts terribly.

>

> I know I need to accept myself, and eventually like myself, if I am

to

> make any progress in my relationship with myself and consequently,

> others. But I don't really know how to do that, or where to begin. I

> feel like at some level, the mere act of thinking that I am not a

> scapegoat or a pathetic person is a big lie. It's like there's a

> horrible alien in me that is trying to kill off the real me, or

force

> it to merge into the alien. Does that make any sense?

>

> How do I get rid of this insidious premise, upon which so much of my

> behavior is based? How do I begin to accept myself?

>

> qwerty

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yes I recognise that feeling! It helped me to change my name: at

first only my first name (more or less accidentally, I simply started

using the name a little kid on our block used for me), then after I got

married I simply started using my husbands name only.

Only now I have come to realise that this really has made a big

difference for me, it helped me to feel like a new person.. Somehow it

made me feel separate from my family.

Does that make any sense to you?

> > >

> > > qwerty,

> > >

> > > I have no idea how one begins to like themselves, but I'm trying

> > REALLY hard. I could've written your post. I ask my partner all the

> > time how she could stand to be with someone like me when she's so

> > wonderful and so far out of my league. I'm constantly down on

> > myself. I say the worst things, things I would never dream of

> saying

> > or thinking about another soul, to myself. My job is at a charity

> > and I spend most of my non-work time doing everything for anyone

> > else anyway, just so I don't have to think about ME. I absolutely

> > LOATHE me. I can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror. I can't

> > stand to hear my own name. It's bad. But, I've been trying really

> > hard and some things are starting to work.

> > >

> > > I knew I couldn't just suddenly start being nice to myself, so I

> > started concentrating on doing good things for myself and my

> > partner. I care enough about our relationship to really work at

> > making a happy home. And of course, half of that couple is me. I've

> > managed to clean the house (and keep it that way), I've lost some

> > weight, our finances are better, and many other small, but nice

> > things. Slowly it's creeping into my head. I've started looking

> > around and feeling *gasp* a little proud of myself. I've been in a

> > better mood to. I'm working my way up to having fun. I don't even

> > know what I like to do to have fun. I'm pretty sure I've never done

> > it. But I will let myself work and working for me is really really

> > helping. Hopefully a few more months will show a bigger difference,

> > but it's something. Best of all, these are things I didn't do to

> > please nada. I did them for my partner and myself. I think that's

> > what's making such a big difference. I'm

> > > concentrating on the here and now, not all the things I could

> > never get right to please her, and I've realized a few things about

> > myself weren't as bad as she made me believe. It's slow and I have

> > no idea if that would work for anyone else, but it's the best I've

> > done so far at liking myself.

> > >

> > >

> > > Hope that helps.

> > >

> > > Jae

> > >

> > >

> > > disliking yourself

> > >

> > > This holiday weekend has been intense for me, not because my nada

> > was

> > > here (she wasn't, thank the gods!) but because my half siblings

> > were.

> > > I realized that even within the context of being with my half

> > > siblings, I am treated as a scapegoat. Injustices visited upon us

> > by

> > > our parents suddenly become my fault. And I am, once again, made

> to

> > > feel like an outsider, like I don't really belong with them. How

> > > familiar. That's how my mother and younger brother make me feel.

> > >

> > > I've realized that I carry this feeling with me wherever I go.

> > > Wherever I am, I feel like I don't belong. Like I come from

> > nowhere,

> > > and I have no home. I have a wonderful husband and two cute

> > animals, I

> > > love them all but I sometimes wonder how my husband can stand to

> > love

> > > a person like me. At my core, I feel lower than dirt.

> > >

> > > I know this isn't true, I can think of positive qualities I

> > possess.

> > > And I know that this feeling is the remnant of my nada's voice in

> > my

> > > head and heart. But it's still there, and it hurts terribly.

> > >

> > > I know I need to accept myself, and eventually like myself, if I

> > am to

> > > make any progress in my relationship with myself and consequently,

> > > others. But I don't really know how to do that, or where to

> begin.

> > I

> > > feel like at some level, the mere act of thinking that I am not a

> > > scapegoat or a pathetic person is a big lie. It's like there's a

> > > horrible alien in me that is trying to kill off the real me, or

> > force

> > > it to merge into the alien. Does that make any sense?

> > >

> > > How do I get rid of this insidious premise, upon which so much of

> > my

> > > behavior is based? How do I begin to accept myself?

> > >

> > > qwerty

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> _____________________________________________________________________

> > _______________

> > > Be a better pen pal.

> > > Text or chat with friends inside Yahoo! Mail. See how.

> > http://overview.mail.yahoo.com/

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Hi Bink & qwerty,

Yes this works for me too. The last 5 years or so I have been able to

finally do and learn all the things I always wanted to do and learn. And

it makes me feel so good! A few months ago a friend told me " seems to me

you are catching up on everything you missed out on doing before, good

for you! " Well she couldnt have been more right, that is exactly what it

feels like. Mind you, this was long before I found out about BPD.. So

yes Bink, I think its helpful to get that inner child back

> >

> > This holiday weekend has been intense for me, not because my nada

> was

> > here (she wasn't, thank the gods!) but because my half siblings

> were.

> > I realized that even within the context of being with my half

> > siblings, I am treated as a scapegoat. Injustices visited upon us by

> > our parents suddenly become my fault. And I am, once again, made to

> > feel like an outsider, like I don't really belong with them. How

> > familiar. That's how my mother and younger brother make me feel.

> >

> > I've realized that I carry this feeling with me wherever I go.

> > Wherever I am, I feel like I don't belong. Like I come from nowhere,

> > and I have no home. I have a wonderful husband and two cute

> animals, I

> > love them all but I sometimes wonder how my husband can stand to

> love

> > a person like me. At my core, I feel lower than dirt.

> >

> > I know this isn't true, I can think of positive qualities I possess.

> > And I know that this feeling is the remnant of my nada's voice in my

> > head and heart. But it's still there, and it hurts terribly.

> >

> > I know I need to accept myself, and eventually like myself, if I am

> to

> > make any progress in my relationship with myself and consequently,

> > others. But I don't really know how to do that, or where to begin. I

> > feel like at some level, the mere act of thinking that I am not a

> > scapegoat or a pathetic person is a big lie. It's like there's a

> > horrible alien in me that is trying to kill off the real me, or

> force

> > it to merge into the alien. Does that make any sense?

> >

> > How do I get rid of this insidious premise, upon which so much of my

> > behavior is based? How do I begin to accept myself?

> >

> > qwerty

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Qwerty,

I'm sorry you're going through some rough times. I've

heard those punishing voices in my head all my life,

but as time moves on they're not quite as loud as they

used to be. I am very grateful to have found this group.

I wanted to thank you so much for your kind letter

about KO-siblings. It's the most important thing

I have read here so far, opening my eyes up wider

to the complicated dynamics of BPD families.

My parents split me bad and my brother good. But as

you say, that leaves bro with his own set of issues,

dependencies, expectations and (mis)perceptions. And

he will never talk about it. You are helping me to

construct a new, more wholistic picture of what makes

him tick -- what he has always kept secret from the

outside/social world. I wasn't anticipating this.

It's a new kind of thinking for me. I've made an

appointment with my therapist to talk about these

WTO ideas that are new to me (non/BPD relatives).

I've been with my girlfriend for three years. She's

a great mom of a teenage girl. She grew up in a

home that had different troubles from mine -- hers

didn't have the personality disorders. Reading

these letters has increased my gratitude for having

her in my life ...

Not sure where I'm going with this, but everyone

here has BPD energy in their life -- I feel very at

home here. With my girlfriend, we can have a different

kind of life/energy/dialog together. And then in this

group, I can talk about things that most other folks

simply can't understand (lucky for them ...

Once again, I want to thank Qwerty and everyone for

all the wonderful/sad stories and positive energies!

[Guest guest]

>

> Healthy outrage helps me - better to be angry than sad in that anger

> at least has power & purpose if you harness it effectively. It gives

> me energy & strength to enforce boundaries when necessary. Sadness,

> no matter how well channeled, is more about powerlessness,

> passivity, helplessness. I'm sad as hell & I'm not going to take it

> anymore!!! doesn't have the same ring to it, does it? Interesting

> the emotion that nada forbade most strictly was anger, telling me

> I " must never " be angry with anyone, I " must never " hate, trying to

> inoculate me against the tools I might use to escape her craziness.

I've been angry for a long time, I've only recently admitted it for

myself. ly, I'm tired of it. It's exhausting .

> Another thing that helped was to change the standards nada set for

> me to ones I set for myself. Start with small things & go from

> there. Honestly I had issues about which way to fold bath towels

> ( " folding them in eighths rather than sixteenths is what stupid

> people do - see? if anyone looks in your linen closet, they can see

> how stupid you are, right here), the morality or lack thereof of

> using a dishwasher rather than washing dishes by hand - and don't

> even get into if " wearing rubber gloves is for people who think

> they're better than everyone else " . Using hand lotion was an

> epiphany.

Wow. My nada had the same crazy OCD habits. Everything was to be

folded in a specific way, from towels, to t-shirts, to underwear.

Deviation from the nada standards were met with screaming, shouted

demonstrations of the " correct method, " and insults as to my

intelligence. When I washed all the dishes, I got flack for not

putting them in the drying rack correctly (?), not applying enough

pressure with the sponge, not using hot enough water, not squeezing

out the sponge when finished, not rinsing out the sink when finished.

And again, shouted remarks about my intelligence. And no " thank you "

for doing most of her household chores for her.

> I think I know that insidious premise you're talking about: the one

> that says I'm not good enough, never will be, & I'm just not worth

> the trouble. Not to anyone, not even (especially?) to myself.

That's exactly the one.

> LEARN TO DISPUTE THIS - if nada said you were a rabbit, even

> hundreds of times over many years, you'd look at yourself in the

> mirror & quickly call bulls***. Because " scapegoat " & " pathetic "

> are intangibles this is more difficult and requires a different

> type of mirror.

This is a useful analogy. Thank you!

> Have you ever read A New Guide to Rational Living by Albert Ellis?

> It really helped me learn how to effectively dispute her words &

> beliefs which had become internalized in my head.

I haven't. Thanks for the recommendation. I'll add it to my list of

new books to get.

> Last, and I'm sorry this is so long, I'm not sure if you're LC/NC or

> what with nada & rest of sibs but maybe the boundaries you have

> aren't working anymore. I eventually discovered my self-loathing

> was from continuing in dysfunctional family relationships where my

> boundaries were not respected, not necessarily from what had gone on

> in the past. If you have a therapist to help you talk this through

> that might be good too - my impression is you may be a little

> depressed as well.

Yes, you're right. I was thinking the same thing--I need to establish

new boundaries between myself and my half siblings. The old ones

aren't working. And I am a bit depressed, but I think it's a symptom

of what I'm working through in therapy. I see it as my body

detoxifying itself of all the psychic garbage I've been carrying

around for so long. It's depressing stuff to confront.

Thank you for your insight.

qwerty

[Guest guest]

>

> Qwerty -

>

> I know about those feelings of feeling

> like you're an alien. My nada used to

> glare at me with this threatening look of

> intense wide-eyed shock and say things like:

> How can you THINK SUCH A THING ???!!!

Yes, I remember those too. As though whatever you said was completely

beyond the realm of logic and intelligence. Usually a wild projection

on nada's part. Still, how I internalized that message.

> It wasn't like my thoughts were incorrect

> or in disagreement with hers, it was as

> if they could not possibly exist in this

> world, as if me and my mind were on some

> other plane somewhere -- outside of logic.

Yes, like how dare you have your own opinions or way of doing

something. How dare you be your own person. This used to make me so

angry as a child, but I was forbidden from outwardly expressing this

anger.

> It was very weird and dissociating -- like

> something the CIA would do to you. Good luck

> to you. I can relate to what you are saying.

Thank you for your empathy.

qwerty

[Guest guest]

I definitely carry these feelings of being unworthy around

EVERYWHERE I go -- I am constantly knocking myself for not being

organized, for not doing things as well as this neighbor or this

friend, terrified to start projects because self-defeating voices

urge me to quit or give up soon after starting.

I'm terrified to start a new job (after being a stay at home mom for

13 years) because I'm scared I'll just carry my lazy habits there,

and then they'll find I'm not very good.

I have trouble with follow through -- terrible trouble. I'm afraid

to sort through and file things, so I have piles in the kitchen and

piles of books and papers next to my bed. My kids have rooms that

need a 3rd party (me) to go through and straighten and get rid of

stuff they don't play with. But, if I go up there and start, I fold

like a cheap suit almost immediately. Terrified to throw something

out and have them MAYBE be upset with me or what I've done to their

room.

The list is endless -- I wake up beating myself up for not being

perfect, basically. It's helped a lot to be here on this board --

and my therapist is good at picking that thinking apart and taking a

good look at it.

-Kyla

>

> This holiday weekend has been intense for me, not because my nada

was

> here (she wasn't, thank the gods!) but because my half siblings

were.

> I realized that even within the context of being with my half

> siblings, I am treated as a scapegoat. Injustices visited upon us

by

> our parents suddenly become my fault. And I am, once again, made to

> feel like an outsider, like I don't really belong with them. How

> familiar. That's how my mother and younger brother make me feel.

>

> I've realized that I carry this feeling with me wherever I go.

> Wherever I am, I feel like I don't belong. Like I come from

nowhere,

> and I have no home. I have a wonderful husband and two cute

animals, I

> love them all but I sometimes wonder how my husband can stand to

love

> a person like me. At my core, I feel lower than dirt.

>

> I know this isn't true, I can think of positive qualities I

possess.

> And I know that this feeling is the remnant of my nada's voice in

my

> head and heart. But it's still there, and it hurts terribly.

>

> I know I need to accept myself, and eventually like myself, if I

am to

> make any progress in my relationship with myself and consequently,

> others. But I don't really know how to do that, or where to begin.

I

> feel like at some level, the mere act of thinking that I am not a

> scapegoat or a pathetic person is a big lie. It's like there's a

> horrible alien in me that is trying to kill off the real me, or

force

> it to merge into the alien. Does that make any sense?

>

> How do I get rid of this insidious premise, upon which so much of

my

> behavior is based? How do I begin to accept myself?

>

> qwerty

>

[Guest guest]

>

> qwerty,

>

> I have no idea how one begins to like themselves, but I'm trying

REALLY hard. I could've written your post. I ask my partner all the

time how she could stand to be with someone like me when she's so

wonderful and so far out of my league. I'm constantly down on myself.

I say the worst things, things I would never dream of saying or

thinking about another soul, to myself. My job is at a charity and I

spend most of my non-work time doing everything for anyone else

anyway, just so I don't have to think about ME. I absolutely LOATHE

me. I can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror. I can't stand to

hear my own name. It's bad. But, I've been trying really hard and some

things are starting to work.

Wow, how sad that you're in the same boat, but comforting too, that

we're in it together. I used to hate the sight of myself in the mirror

too, and I used to hate my name. I don't know how or why I began to

accept and like my name, but I did. I taught myself to be comfortable

with my mirror image by looking in the mirror. I had to learn to

appreciate my appearance, to choose flattering clothing, get nice

haircuts, and even to groom myself properly. I don't spend a lot of

time in front of the mirror, but I don't feel embarrassed or nauseated

when I see my reflection. I can now brush my hair and put on nice

clothes, take a look and think " I look nice. "

Perhaps that's something your partner can help you with?

> I knew I couldn't just suddenly start being nice to myself, so I

started concentrating on doing good things for myself and my partner.

I care enough about our relationship to really work at making a happy

home. I did them for my partner and myself. I think that's what's

making such a big difference.<

That's wonderful! Good for you!

> I'm concentrating on the here and now, not all the things I could

never get right to please her, and I've realized a few things about

myself weren't as bad as she made me believe. It's slow and I have no

idea if that would work for anyone else, but it's the best I've done

so far at liking myself.<

I think " slow " is hard for me. When I see a problem I want to analyze

it and fix it right away. Even though I know it takes time, I get

impatient. But I've improved my health over a slow journey, so I

figure I can apply the same tenacity and perseverance to improve my

emotional health.

Thank you, Jae.

qwerty

[Guest guest]

>

> One thing that really helped me, as hokey as it sounds, was to write

> a letter to my " inner child. "

>

> Also, therapy has worked wonders. My therapist suggested trying to

> talk to myself the same way I would talk to someone else asking me

> for advice; she said we're usually much harder on ourselves than on

> anyone else. If I would tell someone else that no one person can do

> everything, why would I expect myself to be able to do everything?

> Why should I use a different standard? I had to learn to say to

> myself, " Hey, that's ok. " " You're ok, and that's normal. " " You know

> what to do. " " You'll figure it out. " " You can handle it. " " You are

> smart and capable. " " Everyone makes mistakes. " etc. Change that

> inner dialogue.

>

> Those two things are what have helped me the very most. Hope that is

> helpful to you =)

Those are both excellent ideas, thank you. My therapist also suggested

writing a letter to my nada (without sending it of course).

I am changing my inner dialog to be more positive, which does help in

a variety of situations. It helps to comfort and calm me if I'm

panicking or feeling sad. It helps me to respond appropriately when my

husband says something that I mistakenly perceive as critical. (That's

a tough one for me... still working on it.) But I've had a hard time

with this worthlessness thing. I tried to run the positive tape, but

felt as though it was a lie on some level. I've spoken with my

therapist about it, and she's suggested that my basic feeling of

worthlessness might be all those negative feelings that I wasn't

allowed to express. I was taught that those feelings were worthless,

as my nada discouraged me from expressing or even having feelings of

anger or sadness. Because I have stored all those bad feelings inside,

my core is, in a sense, worthless. So the key is acknowledging them

and expressing them appropriately.

Thank you kt, for your response!

qwerty

[Guest guest]

>

> GAH!!!

>

> I HAVE THE SAME THING WITH HEARING MY NAME! i do not like it. i

> would prefer to be refered to by my last name (and i'm a teacher, so

> that's normally how i am refered to), but if someone says my first

> name, it just sounds wrong. in fact, i'm MUCH more comfortable

> answering to " hey you! " than my given name.

>

> that is so weird.

Not weird at all. I've read articles about disciplining dogs that

caution not to use the dog's name when scolding a dog. For example, if

a dog tries to eat something that endangers his health (chocolate, for

example) it's better to firmly say " No! " than to use the dog's name.

If you use the dog's name as part of the scolding, the dog learns to

associate his own name with something bad. And that's very sad indeed.

We've been yelled at no doubt, using our own names. Hence our dislike

for our names. Lucky for me, I guess, my mom usually uses other names

to refer to me. When she's in a good mood, she uses various annoying

diminutives in Yiddish. When she was angry, she would call me various

" pet " curse names. Today, if she gets snippy at me on the phone I hang up.

qwerty

[Guest guest]

>

> Oh yes I recognise that feeling! It helped me to change my name: at

> first only my first name (more or less accidentally, I simply started

> using the name a little kid on our block used for me), then after I got

> married I simply started using my husbands name only.

> Only now I have come to realise that this really has made a big

> difference for me, it helped me to feel like a new person.. Somehow it

> made me feel separate from my family.

> Does that make any sense to you?

Absolutely! Good for you for doing it!

qwerty

[Guest guest]

>

> Your post really touched me, especially that feeling of carrying

> wherever you go the sense that you aren't valuable or worthy.

> Although the BP in my life is my partner's mom, and neither of my

> parents have BPD, because of my father's " tough love " and verbal

> abuse I often felt this way when I was younger. I suppose I

> recognize in your post a kindred spirit.

Thank you for that, S.

> There are three things that helped me the most that I want to share

> in case they can help you. The first was therapy. If you don't

> already see a therapist, and if you are able, I highly recommend it.

> It will be a balm to your soul to be able to express to someone how

> you are feeling, someone who will not only listen without passing

> judgment, but who will teach you coping strategies. When we grow up

> in abusive homes, we don't pick up the skills other healthy people

> have to combat those negative voices or negative " self-talk " that

> tells us we are worthless or bad. Sometimes we don't even

> *recognize* that the negative self-talk is taking place until we feel

> absolutely miserable and then realize the broken record that has been

> playing in our heads, telling us in response to every little

> insignificant situation that things are our fault, or if we had just

> been a better person, things would be different. My therapist helped

> me to recognize when it was happening, and I was astonished at the

> negativity when I started to look for it. I hadn't realized that

> MOST of the time, my thoughts were along these lines.

Absolutely. I'm back in therapy now and am learning a lot.

> those negative thoughts. I'm not really one for touchy-feely " I am a

> good person no matter what " type things...and I had a great therapist

> that really knew how to appeal to my rational side. So I would come

> up with rational counter-thoughts to fight the negative self-talk;

In my case, I tend to over-intellectualize. I'm quite cerebral to the

point that I tend to take refuge in my brain as a way of escaping my

emotions. This is a habit I'm trying to break, and it seems to be

endemic in my family. Writing, for me, is complicated. It can

sometimes be an emotional outlet, at other times an intellectual

coverup for strong or scary emotions, and at yet other times a

gut-wrenching act because I can be very harsh with self-editing. So

while journaling can sometimes help me, it can sometimes be very

stifling.

> At first it

> almost felt kind of hokey telling myself positive things to combat

> negative thoughts, but eventually I realized that the positive

> thoughts truly were logical, healthy, normal responses that I should

> have.

Yes, good idea. I am just now learning to do this.

> The third thing I did was to spend time with positive and affirming

> people. This wasn't necessarily easy for me; my job actually

> requires me to contantly give critique and find holes in other

> people's thinking/arguments (and all my colleagues have to do this

> too!), but eventually I succeeded. It makes a huge difference to

> surround yourself with a new kind of " family " who affirms you rather

> than blames you, who knows how to treat other human beings.

This is a great idea. Unfortunately, most of my positive, affirming

friends are abroad. We live in a new area, and haven't really made

friends yet. Well, I have some people from work with whom I'm

friendly, and another person I'm friendly with. But it's going to take

a while to make some close friends.

> I

> volunteered for an anti-domestic violence organization in my area and

> this is how I found these people, so in more ways than one, it was a

> godsend. As I volunteered, I started to feel like I was doing

> something about my situation, maybe not directly with my own family,

> but by helping others. Plus I had good, supportive people around to

> affirm me with all of my unique and special traits, people who

> reinforced the positive work I was doing individually in changing my

> thinking.

Now there's an interesting idea. Volunteering could be a great

opportunity.

>

> My life has turned around a lot since I did these things (and I still

> struggle with fighting negative self-talk, especially during very

> high anxiety cycles--that's when it gets the worst). But for me

> these things really worked...maybe they might be helpful for you,

> too. You have my sincere empathy. I know what this feels like, and

> I hope you will be able to give yourself the gift of loving yourself

> and learning to fight that voice that tells you lies about yourself.

> I wish you peace and healing.

I'm glad you're doing better, S. It gives me hope!

Thanks,

qwerty

[Guest guest]

>

> hey qwerty, i know how you feel. sometimes i wonder when my husband

> will figure out that i'm damaged goods and move on. i didn't really

> like myself for a long time. the thing that really helped me get

> over it was thinking back to what i wanted to do and be as a kid and

> then making those things a reality. like...when i was a kid, i loved

> cartoons and wanted to make them, so i spent two years learning how

> to make animation. that was the most fun i've ever had EVER! and i

> also wanted to be a paleontologist, so this summer i am going to

> start my geology classes. i guess this is kind of like the " inner-

> child " idea, except that i now have an " inner-adult " that comes out

> every once in a while to pay bills and whatnot.

>

> i don't know if this is helpful or not...i hope it is, though!

> bink

>

Bink, how funny! For a while, as a child, I wanted to be a claymation

artist! I've recently, oddly enough, been looking at photography

classes--another childhood desire. This might also be an opportunity

to meet new people.

Thanks for your ideas!

qwerty

[Guest guest]

Exactly! I used to think she might have some weird sixth sense, the

way she always guessed what I had done. I nearly feared she could read

my mind (my last refuge). The truth is, she just expected me to do

something " wrong " all the time. That, coupled with her intensity of

gaze, was the real basis of her supposed sixth sense.

qwerty

>

>

>

> Totally the same here too. Nada would interrogate me about things,

just everyday things, like how school was or what I did on a date or

something, and just stare me down with these evil wide eyes the entire

time. It made it hard to even look her in the eye when I was talking

to her, so she was always convinced that I had been up to no good if I

couldn't manage to look her in the eye that particular day. Crazy.

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I'm glad I was able to help .

Thank you for your support.

qwerty

>

> Dear Qwerty,

>

> I'm sorry you're going through some rough times. I've

> heard those punishing voices in my head all my life,

> but as time moves on they're not quite as loud as they

> used to be. I am very grateful to have found this group.

>

> I wanted to thank you so much for your kind letter

> about KO-siblings. It's the most important thing

> I have read here so far, opening my eyes up wider

> to the complicated dynamics of BPD families.

>

> My parents split me bad and my brother good. But as

> you say, that leaves bro with his own set of issues,

> dependencies, expectations and (mis)perceptions. And

> he will never talk about it. You are helping me to

> construct a new, more wholistic picture of what makes

> him tick -- what he has always kept secret from the

> outside/social world. I wasn't anticipating this.

>

> It's a new kind of thinking for me. I've made an

> appointment with my therapist to talk about these

> WTO ideas that are new to me (non/BPD relatives).

>

> I've been with my girlfriend for three years. She's

> a great mom of a teenage girl. She grew up in a

> home that had different troubles from mine -- hers

> didn't have the personality disorders. Reading

> these letters has increased my gratitude for having

> her in my life ...

>

> Not sure where I'm going with this, but everyone

> here has BPD energy in their life -- I feel very at

> home here. With my girlfriend, we can have a different

> kind of life/energy/dialog together. And then in this

> group, I can talk about things that most other folks

> simply can't understand (lucky for them ...

>

> Once again, I want to thank Qwerty and everyone for

> all the wonderful/sad stories and positive energies!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> I'm terrified to start a new job (after being a stay at home mom for

> 13 years) because I'm scared I'll just carry my lazy habits there,

> and then they'll find I'm not very good.

I hear ya. I often feel like a fraud because I don't work really hard

100% of the day. I have to remind myself that I do a good job, that

I've gotten good reviews, and that I haven't been fired from a job.

> I have trouble with follow through -- terrible trouble. I'm afraid

> to sort through and file things, so I have piles in the kitchen and

> piles of books and papers next to my bed.

Oh wow, do I ever know how you feel. I had a big problem with just

letting stuff sit around, and taking boxes of unsorted papers and mail

with me where ever we moved. Finally, when we moved back to the US, my

husband helped me sort everything and get rid of a whole lot of stuff

that I just didn't need. It was incredibly liberating. I now get a

sense of accomplishment when I collect things I don't need and just

throw them out.

I still have little piles here and there, but I keep them small and

get rid of them piecemeal. Our place still isn't as neat as I'd like,

but it's much nicer than it used to be. And a filing cabinet, btw,

does wonders.

I also have difficulty starting projects and following them through.

I'm currently having difficulty continuing a creative project I

started a while back. A blog, actually. I just haven't been updating

it much. I like writing, but it's hard work, and not many people read

it. So I feel like my work is unappreciated and... here it is again...

worthless.

> The list is endless -- I wake up beating myself up for not being

> perfect, basically.

Yep, me too.

> It's helped a lot to be here on this board --

> and my therapist is good at picking that thinking apart and taking a

> good look at it.

I keep thinking that one day I'll wake up and I'll have fixed all my

problems--I'll be perfect. And then I'll be able to have kids, because

until then, I might turn into my nada gods forbid. I have to actually

remind myself that I am a work in progress, as we all are.

qwerty