Re: too sensitive?

April 28, 2008

Malinda, that was pretty insensitive of him since he's the one who broke the

date and you were kind enough to let him work on his car instead. Next time you

should take yourself out for a steak dinner and bring him back the scraps. See

what you missed? ;-) j/king of course.

You're not overreacting, he is being insensitive.

Amy

too sensitive?

I have written several times about how inconsiderate my husband can do lots of

shaming and blaming with me, just like nada does. I am not sure he is a

BP....but something is wrong, Sex is usually very limited for me with him. I

need emotional intimacy outside the bedroom, before it can happen in the

bedroom. This Friday morning, my husband suggested a date night on Saturday. He

said, " Dinner, movie and sex. " So Saturday came....and I called him when we

wasn't home by 5, and he said he really wanted to work on his car, and so he got

home at 10:00pm. I truly was ok with that, and I really didn't think we would

have a Saturday night- date night. I also wasn't insisting he came home for this

date.. So Sunday comes and I am sitting at my computer typing a response to a

post and he comes up, and puts his hand into my face and there is white liquid

lotion in his hand. He looks at me and says.. " See what you missed " Inferring he

had mast---ed and this had come

from him. It was just hand lotion neatly formed on the palm of his hand. I was

shocked and then thought..yuck, why would you do this? He thought he was so

funny...and just laughed. Then of course my tapes played from him and nada. To

him I am too sensitive and to nada I was just thin skinned. I am just looking

for some validation that this was not appropriate and I am not too sensitive.

Thanks, Malinda

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April 28, 2008

how romantic.

I'm sure you were devastated, when he put it that way. LOL

How clueless, good grief. ((((((((hugs))))))))

April 28, 2008

what a turn-on!!!

to the curb, babe, to the curb.

>

> how romantic.

>

> I'm sure you were devastated, when he put it that way. LOL

>

> How clueless, good grief. ((((((((hugs))))))))

>

April 29, 2008

ACK! No! You're not too sensitive! This so struck a nerve with

me. You have got to drag his butt into marriage counselling if you

can't convince him that what he's doing is totally insensitive. I

think as KO's we're disinclined to stand up for ourselves in these

situations because we were always told that we were too sensitive or

that our feelings/opinions didn't matter, so we back down at the

first sign of resistance from someone we care about. It's a funny

thing...I can tell a complete stranger exactly where to get off

without blinking an eye, but if I care about the person at all, I

might maybe kinda suggest that there could have been an issue and at

the first sign of push-back, I crumple. Hate that. Anyway, that

type of behavior made me really unhappy in my marriage, and

ironically made my husband really unhappy in our marriage in spite of

his attempts at " humor " , and finally we ended up in marriage

counselling. He's finally " getting " that what he perceives as funny

episodes are actually really insensitive and painful recreations of

my childhood issues. I've really had to work on standing my ground

with him...we actually had a thirty minute conversation about one

episode where I was heading upstairs to tuck in one of the kids, he

was standing by the front door and I asked him if he could lock it.

He looked me right in the eyes and said " No, " and walked off, no

explanation, leaving me another item on my checklist to do before

bedtime. When I confronted him about it later, he insisted he was

just being " funny " and that he would have done it eventually. It

took me thirty minutes to convince him that you don't play those

kinds of games with someone who has issues with asking for things in

the first place. It was completely exhausting. I am hoping that it

gets easier with time, but I will say that this is a conversation

that wouldn't even have occurred had it not been for marriage

counselling. It's worth going.

>

> I have written several times about how inconsiderate my husband

can do lots of shaming and blaming with me, just like nada does.

I am not sure he is a BP....but something is wrong, Sex is usually

very limited for me with him. I need emotional intimacy outside the

bedroom, before it can happen in the bedroom. This Friday morning,

my husband suggested a date night on Saturday. He said, " Dinner,

movie and sex. " So Saturday came....and I called him when we

wasn't home by 5, and he said he really wanted to work on his car,

and so he got home at 10:00pm. I truly was ok with that, and I really

didn't think we would have a Saturday night- date night. I also

wasn't insisting he came home for this date. So Sunday comes and

I am sitting at my computer typing a response to a post and he comes

up, and puts his hand into my face and there is white liquid lotion

in his hand. He looks at me and says.. " See what you missed "

Inferring he had mast---ed and this had come from him. It was just

hand lotion neatly formed on the palm of his hand. I was shocked and

then thought..yuck, why would you do this? He thought he was

so funny...and just laughed. Then of course my tapes played from him

and nada. To him I am too sensitive and to nada I was just thin

skinned. I am just looking for some validation that this was not

appropriate and I am not too sensitive. Thanks, Malinda

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>

April 29, 2008

Malinda,

My ex-husband totally was/is BPD and started with incidents such as

you describe; he then worked up to doing his " thing " and leaving it

for me to clean up; and eventually to other types of quasi-sexual

humiliation, basically doing himself daily (to the point where he

traveled everywhere with a bottle of cocoa butter) and then

withholding sex from me all the while blaming/shaming me for any

normal married sexual desires I had.

Your instincts are right on track: something is not right or healthy

with this situation. You are not being overly sensitive - you are

detecting that you don't feel emotionally safe with him. Even if you

were " too sensitive " , a respectful and loving partner would seek to

soothe and support you, not laugh, blame, and humiliate you.

I don't read all posts (or keep straight the ones I do), but if

you're not in some sort of counseling, I think you should consider

it NOW. Not just for nada issues but also for issues with your

spouse, going alone if he won't go.

From your recent posts, it seems there is a pattern of emotional

abuse in your relationship; people generally seek spouses who have

personality characteristics similar to those of one or the other

parent so it's very understandable that you would marry someone

like dear old nada. I know I did.

Best of luck, dear, I suspect you're going to need it.

April 29, 2008

That's extremely in appropriate. I mean what is he saying that he

really didn't bother to come home because he was doing it himself? I

don't get it. But, then I never understand BPD weirdness. It's not

normal behavior. I never understood when my BPD spouse could go for

months without sex. Turned out he was having it with other people.

So, he didn't need any. He'd tell me, " I don't want to have sex

with you...you're like watching a re-run. " Ya, well then...find

yourself a new show!