Re: Who do your parents seperate?

[Guest guest]

I would definitely not tell them that their mom gave up. the last

thing a child should feel is unwanted by a parent. My parents have

been married three times each, so that comes to three divorces (they

are both still with the third spouse). Although i dont feel either

of my parents ever divorced in a way that would be least harmful to

me, I can tell you what I would have wanted/needed.

Sit down with them and tell them that although their mother loves

them, that she is sick, and because of her chemical imbalance, it is

not a good environment for them to be in. Tell them that you love

them and your number one priority is their safety and happiness, and

that for right now you just dont feel like they are safe in that

situation. tell them that someday she might be able to get help, and

that she wants to be with them but the nature of the disorder makes

this very hard. But most of all, just make sure they know that they

are loved no matter what. And you would not do anything you didnt

think is best for them

>

> Hello,

>

> It has been a while since I last posted. I have been spending a lot

of

> time on the other WTO sites and reading here too.

>

> I am NOT an adult child of, but my kids are teens (14 & 17) children

> of a BPD mom. I am to the point of giving up trying to get her to

> understand that she needs help, that we (me & Kids) are not the sole

> problems in the household. I have been working on a " plan " to leave

> for a few months now.

>

> I had got great advice on here a while back about how to tell kids

> that " something is wrong with mom " which they were well aware of. I

> went into a little more detail without telling them that I thought

it

> was pretty much hopeless.........things have been getting worse by

the

> week as she looses more control over thier decisions and I get

> stronger and set more boundries and defend them when apropriate (and

> support wife when appropriate too).

>

> What I am wondering is how those of you whos parents have seperated

or

> divorced would recommend telling the kids that it has come down to

> this. I feel I should talk to them first and fill them in on " the

> plan " of where we would go etc... and let it set in for a week or

so.

> But at other times I would feel better if I told my wife " I cant

stay

> if you wont work on things " .........she would say " F* & ^ you leave

> then " and I could tell the girls that " mom said she didnt want to

try

> anymore " . But I also know that that is the coward in me wanting to

not

> look like the bad guy. I really think in the long run that they will

> thank me for giving then a normal place to finish growing up.

>

> How did it happen in your households, and what would you recommend

for

> bieng the best way to go about it, and also what NOT to do.

>

> Thanks so much,

>

> DKC

>

[Guest guest]

Oh wow! Your words here:

" the last

thing a child should feel is unwanted by a parent. "

Gave me a real reality check.

The first stories my Nada told me were of her " giving me to my dad " when I

was an infant because my brother needed her more. That was a significant

theme for my entire live, that she had given me away to my dad and that my

brother needed her and I didn't (which I have always believed was just

sexism). My nada frequently told me that if she and my dad divorced, he

would take me with him. She said it so much that it became a myth that I

believed, that I didn't need parenting and that I was born self-sufficient.

Kinda sad to think of little girlscout being rejected by her nada. I may

look up similar behavior in the animal kingdom to see if I can figure out

the biology of such a thing.

>

> I would definitely not tell them that their mom gave up. the last

> thing a child should feel is unwanted by a parent. My parents have

> been married three times each, so that comes to three divorces (they

> are both still with the third spouse). Although i dont feel either

> of my parents ever divorced in a way that would be least harmful to

> me, I can tell you what I would have wanted/needed.

>

> Sit down with them and tell them that although their mother loves

> them, that she is sick, and because of her chemical imbalance, it is

> not a good environment for them to be in. Tell them that you love

> them and your number one priority is their safety and happiness, and

> that for right now you just dont feel like they are safe in that

> situation. tell them that someday she might be able to get help, and

> that she wants to be with them but the nature of the disorder makes

> this very hard. But most of all, just make sure they know that they

> are loved no matter what. And you would not do anything you didnt

> think is best for them

>

>

> >

> > Hello,

> >

> > It has been a while since I last posted. I have been spending a lot

> of

> > time on the other WTO sites and reading here too.

> >

> > I am NOT an adult child of, but my kids are teens (14 & 17) children

> > of a BPD mom. I am to the point of giving up trying to get her to

> > understand that she needs help, that we (me & Kids) are not the sole

> > problems in the household. I have been working on a " plan " to leave

> > for a few months now.

> >

> > I had got great advice on here a while back about how to tell kids

> > that " something is wrong with mom " which they were well aware of. I

> > went into a little more detail without telling them that I thought

> it

> > was pretty much hopeless.........things have been getting worse by

> the

> > week as she looses more control over thier decisions and I get

> > stronger and set more boundries and defend them when apropriate (and

> > support wife when appropriate too).

> >

> > What I am wondering is how those of you whos parents have seperated

> or

> > divorced would recommend telling the kids that it has come down to

> > this. I feel I should talk to them first and fill them in on " the

> > plan " of where we would go etc... and let it set in for a week or

> so.

> > But at other times I would feel better if I told my wife " I cant

> stay

> > if you wont work on things " .........she would say " F* & ^ you leave

> > then " and I could tell the girls that " mom said she didnt want to

> try

> > anymore " . But I also know that that is the coward in me wanting to

> not

> > look like the bad guy. I really think in the long run that they will

> > thank me for giving then a normal place to finish growing up.

> >

> > How did it happen in your households, and what would you recommend

> for

> > bieng the best way to go about it, and also what NOT to do.

> >

> > Thanks so much,

> >

> > DKC

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

thanks for the reply

I KNOW I am not the bad guy, but sometimes I worry about how things will look to

others. I realize this shouldnt even be on the radar screen, but I have always

been to worried about pleasing others and being accepted. I am working on this

I know that form my own perspective that I would be much happier in the long run

leaving. What I am trying to work through is what would be best for the girls.

On one side I see it as showing them that I am " giving up " if I leave, but at

the same time it would be showing them that a person needs to have standards or

boundries and if they are REPEATEDLY croosed with NO remorse that you needs to

stand up for yourself too. If only we all had a crystal ball. If I am reading

your advice right, you are saying DONT ask them to help make the decision. This

was my first impulse (to let them decide) but I was warned against it by both my

T and my best friend who is the only one who knows how bad things are.

I would expect no less than 50% placement so do not feel like I would be leaving

them with the " wolf " and they could see what a sane house is like at least some

of the time.

Thanks again,

DKC

Dear DKC,

First off, I just want to say that whatever comes down, however it

evolves, you are NOT the bad guy nor are you a coward. Your BPD will

villify you no matter what so you just keep your kids best interest

at heart. Gather your chicks and do what you know is right. They

will appreciate that in the long run more than anything. They

obviously know something is wrong with their mother and are being

hurt by it. They may already anticipate the three of you leaving and

be looking to that as a relief from the daily stress of living with

parents that are trying to hold something together that just doesn't

make sense anymore. I know it was a huge relief when my parents

finally divorced,... I didn't have to listen to all the yelling and

hear all the hurt. I missed my Dad terribly but I felt like at least

he had been raptured from the situation. That was the upside of my

experience.

My parents divorced when I was in 6th grade; my nada initiated it and

got sole physical and legal custody of me and my sister. She charmed

her lawyers, fooled the court and pushed my dad out. Looking back I

think I could have handled it much better if I felt like my Dad had

truly stood up for me and my baby sister. He knew how nada was and

didn't protect us from her; he gave up and left the sheep with the

wolf. I feel like he let nada chase him away and never thought twice

about how life would be for us without him. That was the downside.

I truly appreciate how you are including your kids in all this. That

is awesome. My word of caution; there is a fine line between letting

your kids in on what's happening and looking to them to help with

your decision-making process. JMHO, but I would be sure that you

know in advance what you are going to do, fill them in, then stick to

your guns and BEGIN. Your confidence in what's best for the three of

you will be apparent and they will feel secure in that even when

their world seems to be turned upside down. They will draw strength

from you as you proceed with the self-assurance that YOU ARE DOING

THE RIGHT THING. No matter what happens. Bottom line is that you

are three mentally rational beings dealing with an irrational

situation. You are their sane adult, their protector and their

source of strength. If you proceed with an air of strength your kids

will learn huge lessons in tough love, standing up for what's right,

setting boundaries and never learning to be someone's doormat even

when it's someone you love. It may hurt like h*ll but THAT'S the

gift I wish my Dad had given me.

Hope there's something to mentally chew on there, forgive me if I

overstepped my bounds. I welcome any and all rebuttal! : )

Kindest regards,

Mercy

>

> Hello,

>

> It has been a while since I last posted. I have been spending a lot

of

> time on the other WTO sites and reading here too.

>

> I am NOT an adult child of, but my kids are teens (14 & 17) children

> of a BPD mom. I am to the point of giving up trying to get her to

> understand that she needs help, that we (me & Kids) are not the sole

> problems in the household. I have been working on a " plan " to leave

> for a few months now.

>

> I had got great advice on here a while back about how to tell kids

> that " something is wrong with mom " which they were well aware of. I

> went into a little more detail without telling them that I thought

it

> was pretty much hopeless.... .....things have been getting worse by

the

> week as she looses more control over thier decisions and I get

> stronger and set more boundries and defend them when apropriate (and

> support wife when appropriate too).

>

> What I am wondering is how those of you whos parents have seperated

or

> divorced would recommend telling the kids that it has come down to

> this. I feel I should talk to them first and fill them in on " the

> plan " of where we would go etc... and let it set in for a week or

so.

> But at other times I would feel better if I told my wife " I cant

stay

> if you wont work on things " ..... ....she would say " F* & ^ you leave

> then " and I could tell the girls that " mom said she didnt want to

try

> anymore " . But I also know that that is the coward in me wanting to

not

> look like the bad guy. I really think in the long run that they will

> thank me for giving then a normal place to finish growing up.

>

> How did it happen in your households, and what would you recommend

for

> bieng the best way to go about it, and also what NOT to do.

>

> Thanks so much,

>

> DKC

>

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[Guest guest]

Hello,

It took a long time to see it as what it is though. After reading the

Emotionally Abusive Relatioinship it really hit home that things fit almost

EVERY criteria. I felt guilty for not seeing it - I guess thats part of how they

program us, isnt it?

I have been reading up on what to expect in the divorce process and have jsut

ordered splititng the other day. I do have a couple of tape recording of some of

her rages. I use them to remind myself of what she is capable of when I start

thinking that she " could " maybe get better. I have been hoping for 20 years so

far - its time to do something I think. The lawyer that I spoke to briefly said

when I asked him about the tape " Keep it to remind yourself why you are doing

it, and if we need it to " negotiate " with " I took this as they ussually arent

liked in court, although our state does allow it if at least 1 of the parties

(me) know they are being taped.

I dont think they would tell her, they are much closer to me. The only way would

be if her and daughter 2 got into a big blowup and she mught say something like

" Im glad were leaving this crazy house " or something like that. That is why is

was thinking about only a week or so ahead. So they had time to put some stuff

together to take (only 5 miles away). I am planning on telling my parents how

bad things have got this week probably. That is where we would go for now. Big

old house, lots of love and support, and no need to " set up house " . The girls

feel very comfortable there to. The one huge advantage we have is that money is

not an issue lile it seem sto be for so many with a BP spouse. So we could each

get a modest house, and make ends meet just fine. thank god that that stress

wouldnt be put on top of it too.

My lawyer said he has had good luck getting the GAL to request an evaluation if

things start to go into " rage mode " so that she would also have to pay half. I

have been working on planning how to keep my cool and set a good example for the

kids with all the different scenarios that are going through my head of how

things could play out.

Thanks again,

DKC

okay, first off, i think you've done the most important thing

there is

to do and have recognized that the way your wife treats her children

is abusive. my mom was very abusive to my dad, but my dad thought he

was taking the brunt of the punishment. unfortunately for us kids,

that was not the way things were.

second, considering you're going to have to fight for custody, i would

have as much documentation as possible on your wife's behavior. what

are the laws in your state on audio recording someone without their

knowledge? if your wife rages, it might be helpful to actually record

her on several different occasions. if someone else is aware of her

behavior, ask them to testify for you. i know on bpdcentral.com there

is a book on divorcing a bp that is written by a guy who is a

therapist AND a lawyer. that would probably be a great place to

start. also, this article might be helpful:

http://www.bpdfamil y.com/bpdresourc es/nk_a109. htm. it outlines a

brief plan on how to leave a bp. the key is planning planning planning.

now as to tell your kids or not, that's a tough question. what are

your relationships like with your kids? would they tell their mom?

if that's the case, then it might not be a good idea to tell them. of

course, a coup d'etat might be very confusing. also, if your kids are

suffering abuse, they should probably get into therapy as soon as

possible. i'd pick physical abuse of psychological abuse any day.

when someone toys with your emotions, it sticks with you forever.

whatever you decide to do, do not leave your children alone with this

woman. I REPEAT: DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN ALONE WITH THIS WOMAN.

you need to check out your support system and strengthen it before you

leave. you're going to need a place to stay. you might need to save

money on the sly. you should probably consult a lawyer now as to what

kind of documentation you need in order to request psychological

evaluations in court and stuff like that.

i was initially relieved that my parents were getting divorced because

they fought so much. i just wasn't expecting mom to turn on me..

scary scary scary.

good luck,

bink

>

> Hello,

>

> It has been a while since I last posted. I have been spending a lot of

> time on the other WTO sites and reading here too.

>

> I am NOT an adult child of, but my kids are teens (14 & 17) children

> of a BPD mom. I am to the point of giving up trying to get her to

> understand that she needs help, that we (me & Kids) are not the sole

> problems in the household. I have been working on a " plan " to leave

> for a few months now.

>

> I had got great advice on here a while back about how to tell kids

> that " something is wrong with mom " which they were well aware of. I

> went into a little more detail without telling them that I thought it

> was pretty much hopeless.... .....things have been getting worse by the

> week as she looses more control over thier decisions and I get

> stronger and set more boundries and defend them when apropriate (and

> support wife when appropriate too).

>

> What I am wondering is how those of you whos parents have seperated or

> divorced would recommend telling the kids that it has come down to

> this. I feel I should talk to them first and fill them in on " the

> plan " of where we would go etc... and let it set in for a week or so.

> But at other times I would feel better if I told my wife " I cant stay

> if you wont work on things " ..... ....she would say " F* & ^ you leave

> then " and I could tell the girls that " mom said she didnt want to try

> anymore " . But I also know that that is the coward in me wanting to not

> look like the bad guy. I really think in the long run that they will

> thank me for giving then a normal place to finish growing up.

>

> How did it happen in your households, and what would you recommend for

> bieng the best way to go about it, and also what NOT to do.

>

> Thanks so much,

>

> DKC

>

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[Guest guest]

Hello,

I have talked to a lawyer and he said he would expect at least 50% custody.

Depending on how she reacted to the news, he has had a few dads get 100%. I

would hope for somewhere in between. I have a friend that had a " regualar "

divorce and has a 60% situation which works well. He gets the kids for 10 - 11

days each time, his wife 7 days, which gives him 2 weekends every other time her

has them. They all seem to like it. We would be living within a few miles of

eachther so they would have plenty of chance to see either one of us when they

wanted too.

All of your advice below is sooooooooo good. I try to keep the thought in mind

about how they will become the " best adults they can " in mind.

I once read a quote that I cant remember exactly, but similar to " our job is not

to just raise kids, but to raise the next generation of parents and grandparents

to the best of our ability " - so much truth in that.

Thanks again, I always appreciate your posts. I read them even when they dont

dirrectly pertainto me because they always seem to have so much wisdom, strength

and appropriate compassion.

thanks,

DKC

I'm late jumping in there, so forgive me if this ground has been

covered but:

Would you be leaving them behind to her primary custody? Would they

be vulnerable to her wrath? -- or are you going to get custody

(since they are older, maybe they can choose you? That would be

nice.)

I think the most important thing to remember right now is this:

you're role modeling for your two children how to handle volatile

people in their lives. Their mother won't be the last one, and you

can show them through your mature handling of the situation, how to

deal with it while maintaining their dignity.

I have a cousin whose wife was a raging alcoholic. When she was

selfishly venting her emotions on her 3 children, my cousin (their

dad) would just sit there watching TV, willfully ignoring the

rampage going on right in front of him. He failed to defend his

kids. There's no other way to say it -- he failed to defend his

kids from this out of control abuser.

Finally one day, after a rage out of the blue about some unfolded

laundry, the 13 year old son calmly walked into his room and hung

himself. He'd had enough of being her meal, and no one in the world

came to his aid during his short life.

I still feel anger toward my cousin for allowing his wife to abuse

their kids. I know that's an extreme example, but it's still the

result of a parent failing to step in and try and make things

better. Leaving their kids to twist in the wind, battered by life

with no one to value them enough to defend them and stand up and

tell the abuser " KNOCK IT OFF! "

For that reason, I'm so glad you're doing so much to protect yours.

You aren't responsible for your wife's BPD -- you're just doing what

the situation has forced you to do. You have the courage my cousin

didn't have. You're showing your kids not to just sit around and be

blown about by every wind -- that they can take charge of a

situation to protect themselves.

If your teenagers are well-prepared for what's about to happen, then

I think they'll weather it pretty well. Be honest about how no one

should have to live with an emotional tyrant. How everyone has the

right to personal boundaries and to expect those boundaries to be

respected by others in their lives. If they know they can look to

(and lean on) you to help them face the difficulties ahead, they'll

be OK. And they'll remember it later, when they reach their own

adulthoods, and start to put all the pieces together.

Think about how you'd like your teens to reflect back on this time

in their lives when they're a decade or two older. Be their

support -- their soft place to fall. The three of you could be

closer than ever for having " survived " this experience. Make sure

to cultivate a close relationship with them that is separate from

your mutual exasperation with their mother. Make sure you share a

few talks and build a few memories that have nothing to do

with " mom " .

Good luck. Good for you for doing what you can to fix the

situation. I sure wish my dad had stood up for and protected me.

-Kyla

>

> Hello,

>

> It has been a while since I last posted. I have been spending a

lot of

> time on the other WTO sites and reading here too.

>

> I am NOT an adult child of, but my kids are teens (14 & 17)

children

> of a BPD mom. I am to the point of giving up trying to get her to

> understand that she needs help, that we (me & Kids) are not the

sole

> problems in the household. I have been working on a " plan " to leave

> for a few months now.

>

> I had got great advice on here a while back about how to tell kids

> that " something is wrong with mom " which they were well aware of. I

> went into a little more detail without telling them that I thought

it

> was pretty much hopeless.... .....things have been getting worse by

the

> week as she looses more control over thier decisions and I get

> stronger and set more boundries and defend them when apropriate

(and

> support wife when appropriate too).

>

> What I am wondering is how those of you whos parents have

seperated or

> divorced would recommend telling the kids that it has come down to

> this. I feel I should talk to them first and fill them in on " the

> plan " of where we would go etc... and let it set in for a week or

so.

> But at other times I would feel better if I told my wife " I cant

stay

> if you wont work on things " ..... ....she would say " F* & ^ you leave

> then " and I could tell the girls that " mom said she didnt want to

try

> anymore " . But I also know that that is the coward in me wanting to

not

> look like the bad guy. I really think in the long run that they

will

> thank me for giving then a normal place to finish growing up.

>

> How did it happen in your households, and what would you recommend

for

> bieng the best way to go about it, and also what NOT to do.

>

> Thanks so much,

>

> DKC

>

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[Guest guest]

Hey DKC, I'm late jumping in, but in one post I read you didn't want

divorcing to look like " giving up " to your kids.

As a BPD kid, my parents raised me to beleive that " leaving is failure. " As

an adult, I'm working very very hard on reprocessing this completly wrong

belief. Talk about giving away your personal power! Leaving is a great

option, is a choice that can be made from strength and love. Now I'm

learning this. My dad didn't leave my abusive nada and my parents didn't

want me to leave anyone ever - not druggie friends, cheating boyfriends etc.

Now I believe that they wanted me to feel the responsibility for staying

around to fix them, and so they wanted me to always stay and try to fix

someone who had no interest in fixing themselved.

My boyfriend has taught me that leaving IS what you do when someone abuses

you. It clearly lets them know that you won't allow that behavior. You walk

away peacefully and your leaving is a natural consequence of them crossing

your boundaries. It's a powerful tool in avoiding rages and abuse, too.

I just had to call that one out, since a huge chunk of my work is going to

relearning that myth.

>

> Hello,

>

> I have talked to a lawyer and he said he would expect at least 50%

> custody. Depending on how she reacted to the news, he has had a few dads get

> 100%. I would hope for somewhere in between. I have a friend that had a

> " regualar " divorce and has a 60% situation which works well. He gets the

> kids for 10 - 11 days each time, his wife 7 days, which gives him 2 weekends

> every other time her has them. They all seem to like it. We would be living

> within a few miles of eachther so they would have plenty of chance to see

> either one of us when they wanted too.

>

> All of your advice below is sooooooooo good. I try to keep the thought in

> mind about how they will become the " best adults they can " in mind.

> I once read a quote that I cant remember exactly, but similar to " our job

> is not to just raise kids, but to raise the next generation of parents and

> grandparents to the best of our ability " - so much truth in that.

>

> Thanks again, I always appreciate your posts. I read them even when they

> dont dirrectly pertainto me because they always seem to have so much wisdom,

> strength and appropriate compassion.

>

> thanks,

>

> DKC

>

> I'm late jumping in there, so forgive me if this ground has

> been

> covered but:

>

> Would you be leaving them behind to her primary custody? Would they

> be vulnerable to her wrath? -- or are you going to get custody

> (since they are older, maybe they can choose you? That would be

> nice.)

>

> I think the most important thing to remember right now is this:

> you're role modeling for your two children how to handle volatile

> people in their lives. Their mother won't be the last one, and you

> can show them through your mature handling of the situation, how to

> deal with it while maintaining their dignity.

>

> I have a cousin whose wife was a raging alcoholic. When she was

> selfishly venting her emotions on her 3 children, my cousin (their

> dad) would just sit there watching TV, willfully ignoring the

> rampage going on right in front of him. He failed to defend his

> kids. There's no other way to say it -- he failed to defend his

> kids from this out of control abuser.

>

> Finally one day, after a rage out of the blue about some unfolded

> laundry, the 13 year old son calmly walked into his room and hung

> himself. He'd had enough of being her meal, and no one in the world

> came to his aid during his short life.

>

> I still feel anger toward my cousin for allowing his wife to abuse

> their kids. I know that's an extreme example, but it's still the

> result of a parent failing to step in and try and make things

> better. Leaving their kids to twist in the wind, battered by life

> with no one to value them enough to defend them and stand up and

> tell the abuser " KNOCK IT OFF! "

>

> For that reason, I'm so glad you're doing so much to protect yours.

> You aren't responsible for your wife's BPD -- you're just doing what

> the situation has forced you to do. You have the courage my cousin

> didn't have. You're showing your kids not to just sit around and be

> blown about by every wind -- that they can take charge of a

> situation to protect themselves.

>

> If your teenagers are well-prepared for what's about to happen, then

> I think they'll weather it pretty well. Be honest about how no one

> should have to live with an emotional tyrant. How everyone has the

> right to personal boundaries and to expect those boundaries to be

> respected by others in their lives. If they know they can look to

> (and lean on) you to help them face the difficulties ahead, they'll

> be OK. And they'll remember it later, when they reach their own

> adulthoods, and start to put all the pieces together.

>

> Think about how you'd like your teens to reflect back on this time

> in their lives when they're a decade or two older. Be their

> support -- their soft place to fall. The three of you could be

> closer than ever for having " survived " this experience. Make sure

> to cultivate a close relationship with them that is separate from

> your mutual exasperation with their mother. Make sure you share a

> few talks and build a few memories that have nothing to do

> with " mom " .

>

> Good luck. Good for you for doing what you can to fix the

> situation. I sure wish my dad had stood up for and protected me.

>

> -Kyla

>

>

> >

> > Hello,

> >

> > It has been a while since I last posted. I have been spending a

> lot of

> > time on the other WTO sites and reading here too.

> >

> > I am NOT an adult child of, but my kids are teens (14 & 17)

> children

> > of a BPD mom. I am to the point of giving up trying to get her to

> > understand that she needs help, that we (me & Kids) are not the

> sole

> > problems in the household. I have been working on a " plan " to leave

> > for a few months now.

> >

> > I had got great advice on here a while back about how to tell kids

> > that " something is wrong with mom " which they were well aware of. I

> > went into a little more detail without telling them that I thought

> it

> > was pretty much hopeless.... .....things have been getting worse by

> the

> > week as she looses more control over thier decisions and I get

> > stronger and set more boundries and defend them when apropriate

> (and

> > support wife when appropriate too).

> >

> > What I am wondering is how those of you whos parents have

> seperated or

> > divorced would recommend telling the kids that it has come down to

> > this. I feel I should talk to them first and fill them in on " the

> > plan " of where we would go etc... and let it set in for a week or

> so.

> > But at other times I would feel better if I told my wife " I cant

> stay

> > if you wont work on things " ..... ....she would say " F* & ^ you leave

> > then " and I could tell the girls that " mom said she didnt want to

> try

> > anymore " . But I also know that that is the coward in me wanting to

> not

> > look like the bad guy. I really think in the long run that they

> will

> > thank me for giving then a normal place to finish growing up.

> >

> > How did it happen in your households, and what would you recommend

> for

> > bieng the best way to go about it, and also what NOT to do.

> >

> > Thanks so much,

> >

> > DKC

> >

>

>

>

>

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________________________________________________________________________________\

____

> Be a better friend, newshound, and

> know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

> http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, that " worrying what people will think " is a common thread here,

no doubt about it.

You just have to make the best decision that you can, honoring your

priorities (raising your girls) and your personal integrity.

Once you've determined the best course of action based on those

things, people will have to think what they think. We can't live

our lives by popularity polls -- you have to do the best you can,

and leave people to think whatever they want.

-Kyla

> >

> > Hello,

> >

> > It has been a while since I last posted. I have been spending a

lot

> of

> > time on the other WTO sites and reading here too.

> >

> > I am NOT an adult child of, but my kids are teens (14 & 17)

children

> > of a BPD mom. I am to the point of giving up trying to get her to

> > understand that she needs help, that we (me & Kids) are not the

sole

> > problems in the household. I have been working on a " plan " to

leave

> > for a few months now.

> >

> > I had got great advice on here a while back about how to tell

kids

> > that " something is wrong with mom " which they were well aware

of. I

> > went into a little more detail without telling them that I

thought

> it

> > was pretty much hopeless.... .....things have been getting worse

by

> the

> > week as she looses more control over thier decisions and I get

> > stronger and set more boundries and defend them when apropriate

(and

> > support wife when appropriate too).

> >

> > What I am wondering is how those of you whos parents have

seperated

> or

> > divorced would recommend telling the kids that it has come down

to

> > this. I feel I should talk to them first and fill them in on " the

> > plan " of where we would go etc... and let it set in for a week

or

> so.

> > But at other times I would feel better if I told my wife " I cant

> stay

> > if you wont work on things " ..... ....she would say " F* & ^ you

leave

> > then " and I could tell the girls that " mom said she didnt want

to

> try

> > anymore " . But I also know that that is the coward in me wanting

to

> not

> > look like the bad guy. I really think in the long run that they

will

> > thank me for giving then a normal place to finish growing up.

> >

> > How did it happen in your households, and what would you

recommend

> for

> > bieng the best way to go about it, and also what NOT to do.

> >

> > Thanks so much,

> >

> > DKC

> >

>

>

>

>

> <!--

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[Guest guest]

Hi Jim,

If your lawyer thinks you won't get the kids full time I strongly

encourage you to find a BPD therapist that specializes with children

of BPD's. Their mother could really do a number on them once the

seperation happens and speaking from the perspective of a child of Bpd

mom she will try everything in her power to twist their minds and

thinking and will character assasinate you to them. It's inevitable

and that was the hardest part for me. I really hated spending time

with her but felt responsible for her and I never knew what to do when

she attacked my dad which made me feel like I was betraying him too.

A therapist helped me sort all this out, find my truth and how to set

boundaries with the mom. The biggest gift to give them other then

leaving her and validating them of course is to find a way to teach

them how to set clear boundaries and how to say a strong no and how to

make peace with the confusion.

Suebee

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " kylaboo728 "

wrote:

>

> Yes, that " worrying what people will think " is a common thread here,

> no doubt about it.

>

> You just have to make the best decision that you can, honoring your

> priorities (raising your girls) and your personal integrity.

>

> Once you've determined the best course of action based on those

> things, people will have to think what they think. We can't live

> our lives by popularity polls -- you have to do the best you can,

> and leave people to think whatever they want.

>

> -Kyla

>

> > >

> > > Hello,

> > >

> > > It has been a while since I last posted. I have been spending a

> lot

> > of

> > > time on the other WTO sites and reading here too.

> > >

> > > I am NOT an adult child of, but my kids are teens (14 & 17)

> children

> > > of a BPD mom. I am to the point of giving up trying to get her to

> > > understand that she needs help, that we (me & Kids) are not the

> sole

> > > problems in the household. I have been working on a " plan " to

> leave

> > > for a few months now.

> > >

> > > I had got great advice on here a while back about how to tell

> kids

> > > that " something is wrong with mom " which they were well aware

> of. I

> > > went into a little more detail without telling them that I

> thought

> > it

> > > was pretty much hopeless.... .....things have been getting worse

> by

> > the

> > > week as she looses more control over thier decisions and I get

> > > stronger and set more boundries and defend them when apropriate

> (and

> > > support wife when appropriate too).

> > >

> > > What I am wondering is how those of you whos parents have

> seperated

> > or

> > > divorced would recommend telling the kids that it has come down

> to

> > > this. I feel I should talk to them first and fill them in on " the

> > > plan " of where we would go etc... and let it set in for a week

> or

> > so.

> > > But at other times I would feel better if I told my wife " I cant

> > stay

> > > if you wont work on things " ..... ....she would say " F* & ^ you

> leave

> > > then " and I could tell the girls that " mom said she didnt want

> to

> > try

> > > anymore " . But I also know that that is the coward in me wanting

> to

> > not

> > > look like the bad guy. I really think in the long run that they

> will

> > > thank me for giving then a normal place to finish growing up.

> > >

> > > How did it happen in your households, and what would you

> recommend

> > for

> > > bieng the best way to go about it, and also what NOT to do.

> > >

> > > Thanks so much,

> > >

> > > DKC

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

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> >

[Guest guest]

yep, borderlines specialize in " Parental Alienation Syndrome " . What

I've read suggests that the courts and attorneys don't really

understand borderline behavior but at least some of them are waking up

to it.

20 tips for managing parental alienation

http://www.parental-alienation-awareness.com/news.asp?id=17

[Guest guest]

if you are expecting partial custody to begin with that is really

good. Plus, with a normal, healthy person that is a solid decision but

with a borderline I think that the initial custody ruling is just the

starting point. Then from then out you have to document and keep track

of everything that happens. Alot of times the bpd doesn't want to go

along with the arrangements and makes things really difficult and with

other acting out behaviors as time goes on you might get even full

custody.