Re: The Explosion was Today

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

I am so sorry. Wow that was rough for me to read I can't imagine what that felt

like to you. I'm sure you're used to the abuse however but still I believe

somehow we hope that our parents will change or at least learn to relate to us

as human beings. I guess that just proves your point that it was much better for

you to enjoy your holiday and you couldn't do that with your parents. Once again

they blamed you for not checking in with them as if you are still their 7 year

old child required to let them know your plans to make sure they " fit in " with

theirs. It is obvious they can only think of themselves and instead of sincerly

admitting their issues and abuse he made off course remarks about how it was in

fact really your fault. I also like how he added in the " religion part " . In the

Old Test. the word for honor means to give weight to what is weighted or to give

honor to what is honorable. The way your parents have related to and continue to

relate to you is not honorable therefore you are not in fact breaking this

commandment. In fact you have honored your parents because you have broken the

dysfunction in the family. I'm sorry once again but I know you are strong and

this came as no surprise to you I'm sure.

Kelley

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: kylaboo728@...: Mon, 19 Nov

2007 15:42:59 +0000Subject: The Explosion was Today

I got a half-hearted, last minute invite from dad last night regarding

thanksgiving. I wrote back a short note that we had made plans with my sister in

law..... Remember how I said I felt an explosion brewing? Well, it came this

morning from my dad in a reply e-mail (the " 4th year " comment is an insult to my

husband's family, they like us to ALL get together every 4th year for

Christmas). Keep in mind my mother hasn't called me in many, many months....and

he knows it: " Well, don't worry about it, we didn't expect to see you anyway

during the holidays, thought it might be the 4th year again that seems to come

every year. You know you could have called your own family in advance to check

on who's doing what but I suppose that would be too much trouble, being the way

things are.I seem to remember a commandment in the old testament that covers

children's respect of parents but maybe in your new religion and bible studies

they eliminated that one. Well whatever blows your skirt up.I can only say

you're setting a horrible example for your children on how they should respect

their parents and I only hope they don't follow in your footsteps in that

regard. I thought we raised you better than that but I guess we blew that too.I

worried for a few hours before responding to your email, not wanting things to

get worse than they are but i'm tired of people, including you, that shit on

your mother and me, and don't intend to take it any more from anyone, and since

we no longer have a relationship what difference does it make. All we ever did

to you is love you and try to bring you up the best we could, I suppose we

failed at something along the way. If your mother or I did something that pissed

you off all I can say is " too fuckin bad " . Don't bother to respond, i'll just

delete it " [end]Any thoughts, anyone?-Kyla

Kyla

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[Guest guest]

Kyla,

I am so sorry. Wow that was rough for me to read I can't imagine what that felt

like to you. I'm sure you're used to the abuse however but still I believe

somehow we hope that our parents will change or at least learn to relate to us

as human beings. I guess that just proves your point that it was much better for

you to enjoy your holiday and you couldn't do that with your parents. Once again

they blamed you for not checking in with them as if you are still their 7 year

old child required to let them know your plans to make sure they " fit in " with

theirs. It is obvious they can only think of themselves and instead of sincerly

admitting their issues and abuse he made off course remarks about how it was in

fact really your fault. I also like how he added in the " religion part " . In the

Old Test. the word for honor means to give weight to what is weighted or to give

honor to what is honorable. The way your parents have related to and continue to

relate to you is not honorable therefore you are not in fact breaking this

commandment. In fact you have honored your parents because you have broken the

dysfunction in the family. I'm sorry once again but I know you are strong and

this came as no surprise to you I'm sure.

Kelley

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: kylaboo728@...: Mon, 19 Nov

2007 15:42:59 +0000Subject: The Explosion was Today

I got a half-hearted, last minute invite from dad last night regarding

thanksgiving. I wrote back a short note that we had made plans with my sister in

law..... Remember how I said I felt an explosion brewing? Well, it came this

morning from my dad in a reply e-mail (the " 4th year " comment is an insult to my

husband's family, they like us to ALL get together every 4th year for

Christmas). Keep in mind my mother hasn't called me in many, many months....and

he knows it: " Well, don't worry about it, we didn't expect to see you anyway

during the holidays, thought it might be the 4th year again that seems to come

every year. You know you could have called your own family in advance to check

on who's doing what but I suppose that would be too much trouble, being the way

things are.I seem to remember a commandment in the old testament that covers

children's respect of parents but maybe in your new religion and bible studies

they eliminated that one. Well whatever blows your skirt up.I can only say

you're setting a horrible example for your children on how they should respect

their parents and I only hope they don't follow in your footsteps in that

regard. I thought we raised you better than that but I guess we blew that too.I

worried for a few hours before responding to your email, not wanting things to

get worse than they are but i'm tired of people, including you, that shit on

your mother and me, and don't intend to take it any more from anyone, and since

we no longer have a relationship what difference does it make. All we ever did

to you is love you and try to bring you up the best we could, I suppose we

failed at something along the way. If your mother or I did something that pissed

you off all I can say is " too fuckin bad " . Don't bother to respond, i'll just

delete it " [end]Any thoughts, anyone?-Kyla

Kyla

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[Guest guest]

WOW! This really made me angry. I like how he followed up his bible

lesson with " whatever blows your skirt up " and ended it with a " a too

fuckin' bad " . That's sweet. I've heard the " all we ever did was love

you " line, it makes me sick to my stomach. They know we love them

regardless, as if love has anything to do with the struggle. I just

don't understand why they think bashing and silent treatments will

help anything. I'm sorry you got this e-mail, especially right now

before the holidays.

I know from reading your posts how much work you've done and how much

stronger you have grown through things like this.

You probably know better than I how to handle this one. Maybe a simple

I'm sorry you feel that way, love ya, is in order??

You have nothing to feel guilty about with making plans with your

in-laws. Your husband and your children have every every right to

spend time with them and he knows it. Your parents are not the only

people in this world with feelings. I say let this be a confirmation

to you of why you don't want to be around them. You are NOT a horrible

example to your children. You're protecting yourself and in turn

protecting your children by letting them know that this is NOT the way

they should be treated. You are putting your children first and that

my friend is what good mothers do. Don't let him bully you into going

against what you know is right. Stay strong!

>

> I got a half-hearted, last minute invite from dad last night

> regarding thanksgiving. I wrote back a short note that we had made

> plans with my sister in law.....

>

> Remember how I said I felt an explosion brewing? Well, it came this

> morning from my dad in a reply e-mail (the " 4th year " comment is an

> insult to my husband's family, they like us to ALL get together

> every 4th year for Christmas). Keep in mind my mother hasn't called

> me in many, many months....and he knows it:

>

> " Well, don't worry about it, we didn't expect to see you anyway

> during the holidays, thought it might be the 4th year again that

> seems to come every year. You know you could have called your own

> family in advance to check on who's doing what but I suppose that

> would be too much trouble, being the way things are.

>

> I seem to remember a commandment in the old testament that covers

> children's respect of parents but maybe in your new religion and

> bible studies they eliminated that one. Well whatever blows your

> skirt up.

> I can only say you're setting a horrible example for your children

> on how they should respect their parents and I only hope they don't

> follow in your footsteps in that regard. I thought we raised you

> better than that but I guess we blew that too.

>

> I worried for a few hours before responding to your email, not

> wanting things to get worse than they are but i'm tired of people,

> including you, that shit on your mother and me, and don't intend to

> take it any more from anyone, and since we no longer have a

> relationship what difference does it make. All we ever did to you

> is love you and try to bring you up the best we could, I suppose we

> failed at something along the way. If your mother or I did

> something that pissed you off all I can say is " too fuckin bad " .

>

> Don't bother to respond, i'll just delete it "

>

> [end]

>

> Any thoughts, anyone?

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

Wow. That's a guilt trip all wrapped up in insults. I bet he really expects a

reply, no matter what he says, (most of his sentences were obviously designed to

get an emotional response) and you probably shouldn't give one... I think. I

don't feel I have enough of a handle on my own nada-issues to give advice, but I

bet I know how you're feeling: wondering if you're being cruel, if you were

wrong about your parents, if you're making a big deal about nothing, thinking

you should have called and they are your parents after all and feeling like a

crummy daughter. Well, you don't need to. You're doing the right thing by

standing up to your family and you're NOT setting a horrible example for your

kids. They're learning from you that they don't have to let themselves be abused

or mistreated. They have a right to spend their time how they like and to

protect themselves and the people they love from toxic situations. I'd take your

dad at his word, literally.

" Don't worry about it... " and " Don't bother to respond. "

Try, though I know it's next to impossible, to just think of your kids and your

husband and how much you're going to enjoy spending a BPD-free holiday with them

and your sister-in-law, etc. I'm trying to do it to, I've been telling myself

every hour that the holidays are going to be great, I'll be surrounded by people

who love and support me and I'm acting in my own best interests and that is LONG

overdue. That's my gift to myself... no BPD drama!! I keep forgetting, hence the

hourly repetition, but it's kind of working.

Keep being strong!!!

Jae

The Explosion was Today

I got a half-hearted, last minute invite from dad last night

regarding thanksgiving. I wrote back a short note that we had made

plans with my sister in law.....

Remember how I said I felt an explosion brewing? Well, it came this

morning from my dad in a reply e-mail (the " 4th year " comment is an

insult to my husband's family, they like us to ALL get together

every 4th year for Christmas). Keep in mind my mother hasn't called

me in many, many months....and he knows it:

" Well, don't worry about it, we didn't expect to see you anyway

during the holidays, thought it might be the 4th year again that

seems to come every year. You know you could have called your own

family in advance to check on who's doing what but I suppose that

would be too much trouble, being the way things are.

I seem to remember a commandment in the old testament that covers

children's respect of parents but maybe in your new religion and

bible studies they eliminated that one. Well whatever blows your

skirt up.

I can only say you're setting a horrible example for your children

on how they should respect their parents and I only hope they don't

follow in your footsteps in that regard. I thought we raised you

better than that but I guess we blew that too.

I worried for a few hours before responding to your email, not

wanting things to get worse than they are but i'm tired of people,

including you, that shit on your mother and me, and don't intend to

take it any more from anyone, and since we no longer have a

relationship what difference does it make. All we ever did to you

is love you and try to bring you up the best we could, I suppose we

failed at something along the way. If your mother or I did

something that pissed you off all I can say is " too fuckin bad " .

Don't bother to respond, i'll just delete it "

[end]

Any thoughts, anyone?

-Kyla

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

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[Guest guest]

Kyla,

Wow, that was harsh! If I remember correctly, your mom is the one

with bpd, right? That email really laid on the guilt trip. Please

don't fall for it.

I guess there are two possiblilites here. One is that your dad wrote

you the email. If so, it shows that he does not have very good

skills to communicate his anger and hurt feelings with you, and that

he is is willing to use abusive language and cut off contact with you

because his enmeshment with your mother is more important to him than

trying to have a relationship with you.

That email reeks of BPD. If that is not explained by your dad's

enmeshment (or his own personality problems), then the other

possibility is that your mother hijacked his email account and sent

that to you herself.

Either way, I'm sad that you had to read all that because it was

written with the intent to hurt you. It's up to you what you do

next, but if you think it's remotely possible that your mother sent

that to you...then you might consider calling your father to ask him

whether he sent it or not (no big conversation, just " Dad, did you

send me an email yesterday? " ). Otherwise--if you're sure your dad

did send it himself--it sounds like he is not willing to work on

things right now, and I would not advise you to give into the

manipulation or call him. You do not deserve the abuse he's willing

to pile on you.

I hope you will decide to have a happy holiday with healthy people,

despite the blatant attempt to make you miserable. Somebody wants to

make sure that if you won't go out of your way to make them happy,

they'll go out of their way to make you unhappy.

-- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " kylaboo728 "

wrote:

>

> I got a half-hearted, last minute invite from dad last night

> regarding thanksgiving. I wrote back a short note that we had made

> plans with my sister in law.....

>

> Remember how I said I felt an explosion brewing? Well, it came

this

> morning from my dad in a reply e-mail (the " 4th year " comment is an

> insult to my husband's family, they like us to ALL get together

> every 4th year for Christmas). Keep in mind my mother hasn't

called

> me in many, many months....and he knows it:

>

> " Well, don't worry about it, we didn't expect to see you anyway

> during the holidays, thought it might be the 4th year again that

> seems to come every year. You know you could have called your own

> family in advance to check on who's doing what but I suppose that

> would be too much trouble, being the way things are.

>

> I seem to remember a commandment in the old testament that covers

> children's respect of parents but maybe in your new religion and

> bible studies they eliminated that one. Well whatever blows your

> skirt up.

> I can only say you're setting a horrible example for your children

> on how they should respect their parents and I only hope they don't

> follow in your footsteps in that regard. I thought we raised you

> better than that but I guess we blew that too.

>

> I worried for a few hours before responding to your email, not

> wanting things to get worse than they are but i'm tired of people,

> including you, that shit on your mother and me, and don't intend to

> take it any more from anyone, and since we no longer have a

> relationship what difference does it make. All we ever did to you

> is love you and try to bring you up the best we could, I suppose we

> failed at something along the way. If your mother or I did

> something that pissed you off all I can say is " too fuckin bad " .

>

> Don't bother to respond, i'll just delete it "

>

> [end]

>

> Any thoughts, anyone?

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, , my dad definitely wrote it. No doubt about it. He's

her #1 loyal soldier. She must be in some big emotional storm right

now, playing it up for him so he'll run out and grab people off the

street to come and sit with her. He dutifully does it every time

she transmits these emotions.

My therapist thinks he's narcissistic, and he's definitely devoted

to her and shuts me out in the cold. Has done it all my life -- I

was just too FOGged up to see it.

I noticed how his anger is just under the surface, ready to blast

you to smithereens if you dare venture an opinion that's different

than the agenda he's already scripted for the situation.

I loved that last line: " If you don't go out of your way to make

them happy, they go out of their way to make you unhappy. " So true!

I think they are reaping the consequences of their own actions, and

spending a holiday alone (and all that implies!!!!) scares them, so

they have to lash out in a last-ditch effort to yank the kids back

to the fold.

Notice how he said " you could have called your OWN family? " Excuse

me, but when I married, BOTH sides became my family.

He and mom never wanted to get to know my husband's family. They

would have preferred I not get married and leave their little

controlled world. They couldn't be bothered to be gracious and

welcoming just because Kyla brought someone to the " table " .

I remember I couldn't even announce my engagement ( " It will upset

your mother " ) at a family thanksgiving. And my mother told me later

when I invited both families to sit down with us to Easter

dinner " We don't have ANYTHING in common with them. " (HELLO? Do

you see ME standing here? That son-in-law over there? HELLO????!!)

I thought the e-mail was petulant and childish, and I won't be

dignifying it with a response. It just shows the anger and abuse

lying in wait for me. I won't go in.

Thanks for your reply -- I really do appreciate all the support.

{hugs}

Kyla

> >

> > I got a half-hearted, last minute invite from dad last night

> > regarding thanksgiving. I wrote back a short note that we had

made

> > plans with my sister in law.....

> >

> > Remember how I said I felt an explosion brewing? Well, it came

> this

> > morning from my dad in a reply e-mail (the " 4th year " comment is

an

> > insult to my husband's family, they like us to ALL get together

> > every 4th year for Christmas). Keep in mind my mother hasn't

> called

> > me in many, many months....and he knows it:

> >

> > " Well, don't worry about it, we didn't expect to see you anyway

> > during the holidays, thought it might be the 4th year again that

> > seems to come every year. You know you could have called your

own

> > family in advance to check on who's doing what but I suppose

that

> > would be too much trouble, being the way things are.

> >

> > I seem to remember a commandment in the old testament that

covers

> > children's respect of parents but maybe in your new religion and

> > bible studies they eliminated that one. Well whatever blows

your

> > skirt up.

> > I can only say you're setting a horrible example for your

children

> > on how they should respect their parents and I only hope they

don't

> > follow in your footsteps in that regard. I thought we raised

you

> > better than that but I guess we blew that too.

> >

> > I worried for a few hours before responding to your email, not

> > wanting things to get worse than they are but i'm tired of

people,

> > including you, that shit on your mother and me, and don't intend

to

> > take it any more from anyone, and since we no longer have a

> > relationship what difference does it make. All we ever did to

you

> > is love you and try to bring you up the best we could, I suppose

we

> > failed at something along the way. If your mother or I did

> > something that pissed you off all I can say is " too fuckin

bad " .

> >

> > Don't bother to respond, i'll just delete it "

> >

> > [end]

> >

> > Any thoughts, anyone?

> >

> > -Kyla

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Jae -- oh my goodness, it's like you crawled inside my

HEAD!! " wondering if you're being cruel, if you were wrong about

your parents, if you're making a big deal about nothing....etc. "

I have such moments of doubt, but this e-mail was so obviously over

the top, I know SOMETHING is wrong on that side. It's too much fire

and vitriol directed at me. Perhaps to deflect any looking at their

side?

Thanks -- and you have a wonderful and loving Thanksgiving.

{hugs}

Kyla

>

> Wow. That's a guilt trip all wrapped up in insults. I bet he

really expects a reply, no matter what he says, (most of his

sentences were obviously designed to get an emotional response) and

you probably shouldn't give one... I think. I don't feel I have

enough of a handle on my own nada-issues to give advice, but I bet I

know how you're feeling: wondering if you're being cruel, if you

were wrong about your parents, if you're making a big deal about

nothing, thinking you should have called and they are your parents

after all and feeling like a crummy daughter. Well, you don't need

to. You're doing the right thing by standing up to your family and

you're NOT setting a horrible example for your kids. They're

learning from you that they don't have to let themselves be abused

or mistreated. They have a right to spend their time how they like

and to protect themselves and the people they love from toxic

situations. I'd take your dad at his word, literally.

> " Don't worry about it... " and " Don't bother to respond. "

>

> Try, though I know it's next to impossible, to just think of your

kids and your husband and how much you're going to enjoy spending a

BPD-free holiday with them and your sister-in-law, etc. I'm trying

to do it to, I've been telling myself every hour that the holidays

are going to be great, I'll be surrounded by people who love and

support me and I'm acting in my own best interests and that is LONG

overdue. That's my gift to myself... no BPD drama!! I keep

forgetting, hence the hourly repetition, but it's kind of working.

>

> Keep being strong!!!

>

> Jae

>

> The Explosion was Today

>

> I got a half-hearted, last minute invite from dad last night

> regarding thanksgiving. I wrote back a short note that we had made

> plans with my sister in law.....

>

> Remember how I said I felt an explosion brewing? Well, it came

this

> morning from my dad in a reply e-mail (the " 4th year " comment is

an

> insult to my husband's family, they like us to ALL get together

> every 4th year for Christmas). Keep in mind my mother hasn't

called

> me in many, many months....and he knows it:

>

> " Well, don't worry about it, we didn't expect to see you anyway

> during the holidays, thought it might be the 4th year again that

> seems to come every year. You know you could have called your own

> family in advance to check on who's doing what but I suppose that

> would be too much trouble, being the way things are.

>

> I seem to remember a commandment in the old testament that covers

> children's respect of parents but maybe in your new religion and

> bible studies they eliminated that one. Well whatever blows your

> skirt up.

> I can only say you're setting a horrible example for your children

> on how they should respect their parents and I only hope they

don't

> follow in your footsteps in that regard. I thought we raised you

> better than that but I guess we blew that too.

>

> I worried for a few hours before responding to your email, not

> wanting things to get worse than they are but i'm tired of people,

> including you, that shit on your mother and me, and don't intend

to

> take it any more from anyone, and since we no longer have a

> relationship what difference does it make. All we ever did to you

> is love you and try to bring you up the best we could, I suppose

we

> failed at something along the way. If your mother or I did

> something that pissed you off all I can say is " too fuckin bad " .

>

> Don't bother to respond, i'll just delete it "

>

> [end]

>

> Any thoughts, anyone?

>

> -Kyla

>

>

>

>

>

>

_____________________________________________________________________

_______________

> Be a better sports nut! Let your teams follow you

> with Yahoo Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/sports;_ylt=At9_qDKvtAbMuh1G1SQtBI7ntAcJ

>

>

[Guest guest]

Well, I definitely wouldn't bother to respond, since he'll just delete it! :-)

I know it hurts very much, but if you could just ignore the whole thing and act

like it never happened (after all, emails get lost in cyberspace everyday) then

the ball is back in his court and you aren't baited into a response. Just a

thought..... Love and blessings, AZClown

The Explosion was Today

I got a half-hearted, last minute invite from dad last night

regarding thanksgiving. I wrote back a short note that we had made

plans with my sister in law......

Remember how I said I felt an explosion brewing? Well, it came this

morning from my dad in a reply e-mail (the " 4th year " comment is an

insult to my husband's family, they like us to ALL get together

every 4th year for Christmas). Keep in mind my mother hasn't called

me in many, many months....and he knows it:

" Well, don't worry about it, we didn't expect to see you anyway

during the holidays, thought it might be the 4th year again that

seems to come every year. You know you could have called your own

family in advance to check on who's doing what but I suppose that

would be too much trouble, being the way things are.

I seem to remember a commandment in the old testament that covers

children's respect of parents but maybe in your new religion and

bible studies they eliminated that one. Well whatever blows your

skirt up.

I can only say you're setting a horrible example for your children

on how they should respect their parents and I only hope they don't

follow in your footsteps in that regard. I thought we raised you

better than that but I guess we blew that too.

I worried for a few hours before responding to your email, not

wanting things to get worse than they are but i'm tired of people,

including you, that shit on your mother and me, and don't intend to

take it any more from anyone, and since we no longer have a

relationship what difference does it make. All we ever did to you

is love you and try to bring you up the best we could, I suppose we

failed at something along the way. If your mother or I did

something that pissed you off all I can say is " too fuckin bad " .

Don't bother to respond, i'll just delete it "

[end]

Any thoughts, anyone?

-Kyla

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

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http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

holy crap it looks like an email my mom sent me yesterday. Read mine:

" sara

i would like at least a couple of things that you have that belong

to me. one is the clarinet, and the other is the bag of picutres you

have. im not asking for them to be mean. i just really want them.

the pictures will bring me some joy to look at. please give them to

susie to get to me.

im sorry that you feel the way you do. i dont know who, what, or

why has you feeling this way. . i just dont agree with you. i

think

we had a great relationship until 8 or 9 months ago. at least i have

the memories. if i have to be out of your life to be happy..then so

be it. i love you so much..that i am willing to stay out of your

life

so you can have happiness. i really did the best i could in raising

you and susie. i did the best i could with what i had. at one point

you thought i did a great job. you would tell me that noone could

have done it as well as i. being a single parent. i wish i could

have done more for you. i really do. but i guess all that isnt

really important anymore. i just saw that you didnt do without. and

that you had the best of things..well at least the best i could get .

i tried to give you a normal life..and have the opprotunities that

all

the kids had. i guess i failed in being a mother. i said all these

years that the only thing i did right was raise you and susie. well

...you say i didnt even do that right. so i dont know what to think

anymore. even though you think it isnt right..all i did need was you

and susie. noone else in my life ever mattered to me except grandpa.

and now i dont have any of you. so GOD will decide what to do with

me. it is like the bottom has been lifted from under me. i am

really

confused about life. its not supposed to be this way. but the most

important thing to me and i have always told you ..is that you and

susie be happy. so i step down from your lives, seeing thats what

you

say it takes. i will continue thinking about you. and i will pray

for you...and i wish you the very best in life. since i didnt give

that to you as a mother . since you became an adult, i have never

tried to tell you what to do. i never stepped into your business. i

have given you your space. all i wanted..for the last several months

was things like they used to be..even at the beginnig of this year.

thats all i wanted. but now that i know how you feel, i understand

that will never happen. good luck to you..in everything ..im glad i

had the chance to raise you. i will treasure the memories forever.

but..do enjoy life..it is way too short. again im sorry..i guess i

was fooled all these years. "

Your dad and my mom should get together and be friends, since they

both think the same way. It's like they think respect means that we

agree with everything they say and do no matter what. And then he

had to go an insult your religion? What is wrong with them!!!!

>

> I got a half-hearted, last minute invite from dad last night

> regarding thanksgiving. I wrote back a short note that we had

made

> plans with my sister in law.....

>

> Remember how I said I felt an explosion brewing? Well, it came

this

> morning from my dad in a reply e-mail (the " 4th year " comment is

an

> insult to my husband's family, they like us to ALL get together

> every 4th year for Christmas). Keep in mind my mother hasn't

called

> me in many, many months....and he knows it:

>

> " Well, don't worry about it, we didn't expect to see you anyway

> during the holidays, thought it might be the 4th year again that

> seems to come every year. You know you could have called your own

> family in advance to check on who's doing what but I suppose that

> would be too much trouble, being the way things are.

>

> I seem to remember a commandment in the old testament that covers

> children's respect of parents but maybe in your new religion and

> bible studies they eliminated that one. Well whatever blows your

> skirt up.

> I can only say you're setting a horrible example for your children

> on how they should respect their parents and I only hope they

don't

> follow in your footsteps in that regard. I thought we raised you

> better than that but I guess we blew that too.

>

> I worried for a few hours before responding to your email, not

> wanting things to get worse than they are but i'm tired of people,

> including you, that shit on your mother and me, and don't intend

to

> take it any more from anyone, and since we no longer have a

> relationship what difference does it make. All we ever did to you

> is love you and try to bring you up the best we could, I suppose

we

> failed at something along the way. If your mother or I did

> something that pissed you off all I can say is " too fuckin bad " .

>

> Don't bother to respond, i'll just delete it "

>

> [end]

>

> Any thoughts, anyone?

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

Oh Kyla,

I'm reading this on my way out the door. I am so sorry this has

escalated to this point. The thought of you caving in and sitting

at a table with these angry people gives me the willies. You are

doing the right thing by ignoring this email. Your a wonderful,

protective mother......and like the rest of us KO mothers WE have

every right to do as we see fit. WE ARE THE MOTHER NOW!!!

You have pulled so many of us out of a fog and so it our turn now.

I just wish I could wrap my arms around you, take you by the hand

and help you out. You are so strong.....this is a sign, print it

out and keep it as a reminder. Just like that invalidating letter

that my nada blessed me with just days ago. Like it....that email

sends no signs of any hope or resuscitation, lifeline, or even a

heartbeat left in that relationship. Why would we ever want to go

back now???

I have to go now.......this just makes me sick!!! I'm so sorry

sweetie, You don't deserves this at all, Love, drlingirl

>

> I got a half-hearted, last minute invite from dad last night

> regarding thanksgiving. I wrote back a short note that we had

made

> plans with my sister in law.....

>

> Remember how I said I felt an explosion brewing? Well, it came

this

> morning from my dad in a reply e-mail (the " 4th year " comment is

an

> insult to my husband's family, they like us to ALL get together

> every 4th year for Christmas). Keep in mind my mother hasn't

called

> me in many, many months....and he knows it:

>

> " Well, don't worry about it, we didn't expect to see you anyway

> during the holidays, thought it might be the 4th year again that

> seems to come every year. You know you could have called your own

> family in advance to check on who's doing what but I suppose that

> would be too much trouble, being the way things are.

>

> I seem to remember a commandment in the old testament that covers

> children's respect of parents but maybe in your new religion and

> bible studies they eliminated that one. Well whatever blows your

> skirt up.

> I can only say you're setting a horrible example for your children

> on how they should respect their parents and I only hope they

don't

> follow in your footsteps in that regard. I thought we raised you

> better than that but I guess we blew that too.

>

> I worried for a few hours before responding to your email, not

> wanting things to get worse than they are but i'm tired of people,

> including you, that shit on your mother and me, and don't intend

to

> take it any more from anyone, and since we no longer have a

> relationship what difference does it make. All we ever did to you

> is love you and try to bring you up the best we could, I suppose

we

> failed at something along the way. If your mother or I did

> something that pissed you off all I can say is " too fuckin bad " .

>

> Don't bother to respond, i'll just delete it "

>

> [end]

>

> Any thoughts, anyone?

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

Kyla, Kyla, Kyla, I'm so sorry your fada wrote to you in such a horrible

way. A hurtful way. However, I have gotten the same crap from my parents; it

hurts, continues to hurt...................

I also get the lines about " we did the best we could " ; " what an ungrateful

daughter I am " " we gave u everything " ....................................

In other words; you owe us; you will always owe us; why can't u just agree

with everything like you used to do?????

Oh, gosh, I just wish it would end. The torment we all suffer and have

suffered for years on end - - - - is it worth it?? I think not. How about the

guilt they try to inflict?? I'm pretty sure, if our parents were 'normal',

they'd all be proud of us and would have raised us to live our own life, and be

proud that we could do that.

Oh my, I could go on and on, but I better stop -- I start to get all worked

up again. It's just unbeilvable to me that we are all subjected continuously

to this guilt trip nada & fada choose to put us thru.

I wish everyone on this board a peaceful holiday. Protect yourself the best

u can.

LL

************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com

[Guest guest]

Note how many times " I " , " I'm " " me " " my " get used

vs. " you " " your " " you're " etc. in these letters. By my count, it's

about 5 to 3. Instructive!

> >

> > I got a half-hearted, last minute invite from dad last night

> > regarding thanksgiving. I wrote back a short note that we had

> made

> > plans with my sister in law.....

> >

> > Remember how I said I felt an explosion brewing? Well, it came

> this

> > morning from my dad in a reply e-mail (the " 4th year " comment is

> an

> > insult to my husband's family, they like us to ALL get together

> > every 4th year for Christmas). Keep in mind my mother hasn't

> called

> > me in many, many months....and he knows it:

> >

> > " Well, don't worry about it, we didn't expect to see you anyway

> > during the holidays, thought it might be the 4th year again that

> > seems to come every year. You know you could have called your

own

> > family in advance to check on who's doing what but I suppose

that

> > would be too much trouble, being the way things are.

> >

> > I seem to remember a commandment in the old testament that

covers

> > children's respect of parents but maybe in your new religion and

> > bible studies they eliminated that one. Well whatever blows

your

> > skirt up.

> > I can only say you're setting a horrible example for your

children

> > on how they should respect their parents and I only hope they

> don't

> > follow in your footsteps in that regard. I thought we raised

you

> > better than that but I guess we blew that too.

> >

> > I worried for a few hours before responding to your email, not

> > wanting things to get worse than they are but i'm tired of

people,

> > including you, that shit on your mother and me, and don't intend

> to

> > take it any more from anyone, and since we no longer have a

> > relationship what difference does it make. All we ever did to

you

> > is love you and try to bring you up the best we could, I suppose

> we

> > failed at something along the way. If your mother or I did

> > something that pissed you off all I can say is " too fuckin

bad " .

> >

> > Don't bother to respond, i'll just delete it "

> >

> > [end]

> >

> > Any thoughts, anyone?

> >

> > -Kyla

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My goodness, Sara Jo -- it's the same script! " We did the best we

could " ..... " You weren't raised that way! " (HA! Don't even go

there!), " All we did was love you! " .....What a self-serving load of

crap.

The kicker? My dad's not even the BPD -- he's the " nice " one!

Hang in there -- we'll get through this together. It's emotional

blackmail, plain and simple.

Thanks for sharing that --

-Kyla

> >

> > I got a half-hearted, last minute invite from dad last night

> > regarding thanksgiving. I wrote back a short note that we had

> made

> > plans with my sister in law.....

> >

> > Remember how I said I felt an explosion brewing? Well, it came

> this

> > morning from my dad in a reply e-mail (the " 4th year " comment is

> an

> > insult to my husband's family, they like us to ALL get together

> > every 4th year for Christmas). Keep in mind my mother hasn't

> called

> > me in many, many months....and he knows it:

> >

> > " Well, don't worry about it, we didn't expect to see you anyway

> > during the holidays, thought it might be the 4th year again that

> > seems to come every year. You know you could have called your

own

> > family in advance to check on who's doing what but I suppose

that

> > would be too much trouble, being the way things are.

> >

> > I seem to remember a commandment in the old testament that

covers

> > children's respect of parents but maybe in your new religion and

> > bible studies they eliminated that one. Well whatever blows

your

> > skirt up.

> > I can only say you're setting a horrible example for your

children

> > on how they should respect their parents and I only hope they

> don't

> > follow in your footsteps in that regard. I thought we raised

you

> > better than that but I guess we blew that too.

> >

> > I worried for a few hours before responding to your email, not

> > wanting things to get worse than they are but i'm tired of

people,

> > including you, that shit on your mother and me, and don't intend

> to

> > take it any more from anyone, and since we no longer have a

> > relationship what difference does it make. All we ever did to

you

> > is love you and try to bring you up the best we could, I suppose

> we

> > failed at something along the way. If your mother or I did

> > something that pissed you off all I can say is " too fuckin

bad " .

> >

> > Don't bother to respond, i'll just delete it "

> >

> > [end]

> >

> > Any thoughts, anyone?

> >

> > -Kyla

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sara Jo:

Your mom wrote: " im glad i

had the chance to raise you. i will treasure the memories forever.

but..do enjoy life..it is way too short. again im sorry..i guess i

was fooled all these years. "

Can't you just hear the orchestra swelling in the background? What

is it about BPDs and their need for drama?

And I love how she veers off the loving theme of the message in the

very last line: " I guess I was fooled all these years. " Can't

resist that parting shot!

That is a very self-serving, babbling letter, that seems to be

apologetic, and then is non-apologetic, all in the same letter.

It's all over the place!

And if she really " wants the best for you " , etc., etc....what's the

harm in you drawing a few new boundaries because you need to spread

your wings? Her behavior tells the real tale: she doesn't want you

on your own, because then she'll be faced with what to do with her

life -- a question she could continually avoid as long as she had

you as her focus. It's time she lived her own life -- and you need

to not only live yours, but pave the way so she can live hers. How

she chooses to do that is her business, but you need to get out of

the way. You've been a convenient distraction for her, at great

cost to your own independence.

-Kyla

> >

> > I got a half-hearted, last minute invite from dad last night

> > regarding thanksgiving. I wrote back a short note that we had

> made

> > plans with my sister in law.....

> >

> > Remember how I said I felt an explosion brewing? Well, it came

> this

> > morning from my dad in a reply e-mail (the " 4th year " comment is

> an

> > insult to my husband's family, they like us to ALL get together

> > every 4th year for Christmas). Keep in mind my mother hasn't

> called

> > me in many, many months....and he knows it:

> >

> > " Well, don't worry about it, we didn't expect to see you anyway

> > during the holidays, thought it might be the 4th year again that

> > seems to come every year. You know you could have called your

own

> > family in advance to check on who's doing what but I suppose

that

> > would be too much trouble, being the way things are.

> >

> > I seem to remember a commandment in the old testament that

covers

> > children's respect of parents but maybe in your new religion and

> > bible studies they eliminated that one. Well whatever blows

your

> > skirt up.

> > I can only say you're setting a horrible example for your

children

> > on how they should respect their parents and I only hope they

> don't

> > follow in your footsteps in that regard. I thought we raised

you

> > better than that but I guess we blew that too.

> >

> > I worried for a few hours before responding to your email, not

> > wanting things to get worse than they are but i'm tired of

people,

> > including you, that shit on your mother and me, and don't intend

> to

> > take it any more from anyone, and since we no longer have a

> > relationship what difference does it make. All we ever did to

you

> > is love you and try to bring you up the best we could, I suppose

> we

> > failed at something along the way. If your mother or I did

> > something that pissed you off all I can say is " too fuckin

bad " .

> >

> > Don't bother to respond, i'll just delete it "

> >

> > [end]

> >

> > Any thoughts, anyone?

> >

> > -Kyla

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Very good point! I remember an ex-friend who was a narcissist.

Always pleased herself first -- Anyway, when I'd had enough of it,

and quit calling and coming around, she wrote this letter to me that

was one of those " I just don't have a CLUE as to what I've done to

make YOU mad!......

It seems that letters like these are just exercises in ego massage

for the writer. That, and some spin-doctoring denial.

-Kyla

> > >

> > > I got a half-hearted, last minute invite from dad last night

> > > regarding thanksgiving. I wrote back a short note that we had

> > made

> > > plans with my sister in law.....

> > >

> > > Remember how I said I felt an explosion brewing? Well, it

came

> > this

> > > morning from my dad in a reply e-mail (the " 4th year " comment

is

> > an

> > > insult to my husband's family, they like us to ALL get

together

> > > every 4th year for Christmas). Keep in mind my mother hasn't

> > called

> > > me in many, many months....and he knows it:

> > >

> > > " Well, don't worry about it, we didn't expect to see you

anyway

> > > during the holidays, thought it might be the 4th year again

that

> > > seems to come every year. You know you could have called your

> own

> > > family in advance to check on who's doing what but I suppose

> that

> > > would be too much trouble, being the way things are.

> > >

> > > I seem to remember a commandment in the old testament that

> covers

> > > children's respect of parents but maybe in your new religion

and

> > > bible studies they eliminated that one. Well whatever blows

> your

> > > skirt up.

> > > I can only say you're setting a horrible example for your

> children

> > > on how they should respect their parents and I only hope they

> > don't

> > > follow in your footsteps in that regard. I thought we raised

> you

> > > better than that but I guess we blew that too.

> > >

> > > I worried for a few hours before responding to your email, not

> > > wanting things to get worse than they are but i'm tired of

> people,

> > > including you, that shit on your mother and me, and don't

intend

> > to

> > > take it any more from anyone, and since we no longer have a

> > > relationship what difference does it make. All we ever did to

> you

> > > is love you and try to bring you up the best we could, I

suppose

> > we

> > > failed at something along the way. If your mother or I did

> > > something that pissed you off all I can say is " too fuckin

> bad " .

> > >

> > > Don't bother to respond, i'll just delete it "

> > >

> > > [end]

> > >

> > > Any thoughts, anyone?

> > >

> > > -Kyla

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Holy crap that e-mail is offensive! I love how they invoke God, as if

he would sanction " honor thy father and thy mother " in the same e-mail

where he says " too fuckin' bad " . My nada was hyper-religious, and,

convinced that I was on drugs because I had started waking up at 5:30

in the morning to exercise (how's that for logic?), made me watch two

hours of Tammy Faye and Jim Baker all the while hissing at me " You're

gonna burn in hell, and it hurts to burn. " Needless to say, I have

some issues with religion...

[Guest guest]

Well, sounds like your nada misused religion to serve her own

selfish needs. You're not alone in that respect. A lot of people

whose parents misused religion that way are wary of it, and

understandably so.

Religion is man's attempt to reach out to God -- you can find your

own way, a way you're comfortable with. I had to remap my head

after I grew up. My parents actually claimed a certain Christian

demonination, but then mocked anyone who actually behaved that way

or studied the Bible, or even went to church regularly!

I had a lot of unraveling to do in my search for God -- and luckily,

I did it in the nick of time because my kids were babies, and it

made me a better parent at the age of 36.....I joined a Bible study

and that was the most calm day of my week. I hit my " reset " button

there. Well, anyway, my " religious " parents made fun of it. And

obviously by my dad's e-mail today, still do.

I used to liken it to a car salesman cheating people -- sure, the

salesman is bad and he cheated you -- shame on him!....but that

doesn't mean we should hate the cars.

Yeah, wasn't that lovely how he juxtaposed religion with " blows your

skirt up? " Blecchhh.

Anyway, thanks to you and all others for the support today -- I

deeply appreciate it.

with gratitude,

Kyla

>

> Holy crap that e-mail is offensive! I love how they invoke God,

as if

> he would sanction " honor thy father and thy mother " in the same e-

mail

> where he says " too fuckin' bad " . My nada was hyper-religious,

and,

> convinced that I was on drugs because I had started waking up at

5:30

> in the morning to exercise (how's that for logic?), made me watch

two

> hours of Tammy Faye and Jim Baker all the while hissing at

me " You're

> gonna burn in hell, and it hurts to burn. " Needless to say, I

have

> some issues with religion...

>

[Guest guest]

OOPS! Freudian Slip!! I wrote " demon -in-ation " when referring to

my parents' religious affiliation! oops!!! I meant denomination,

of course... LOL!

-Kyla

> >

> > Holy crap that e-mail is offensive! I love how they invoke God,

> as if

> > he would sanction " honor thy father and thy mother " in the same

e-

> mail

> > where he says " too fuckin' bad " . My nada was hyper-religious,

> and,

> > convinced that I was on drugs because I had started waking up at

> 5:30

> > in the morning to exercise (how's that for logic?), made me

watch

> two

> > hours of Tammy Faye and Jim Baker all the while hissing at

> me " You're

> > gonna burn in hell, and it hurts to burn. " Needless to say, I

> have

> > some issues with religion...

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Too funny! Or in nada's case, " demon-in-action " !

> > >

> > > Holy crap that e-mail is offensive! I love how they invoke

God,

> > as if

> > > he would sanction " honor thy father and thy mother " in the

same

> e-

> > mail

> > > where he says " too fuckin' bad " . My nada was hyper-religious,

> > and,

> > > convinced that I was on drugs because I had started waking up

at

> > 5:30

> > > in the morning to exercise (how's that for logic?), made me

> watch

> > two

> > > hours of Tammy Faye and Jim Baker all the while hissing at

> > me " You're

> > > gonna burn in hell, and it hurts to burn. " Needless to say, I

> > have

> > > some issues with religion...

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Kyla,

I'm just getting home from work and reading the e-mail you got

today. W-o-w.

First, I want to echo Drlingirl and all the other KOs here who want

to hug you and show you how much you are appreciated here.

Second, I want to tell you what came to mind immediately for me: my

5 year-old nephew's response to a French Fried Flip-Out my nada and

gran nada had at my sister while all they were all attending a small

baby shower. This flip out ran the gamut from " how can you treat us

this way after all we've done for you " to " you've always been a

problem, etc. " At the tops of their lungs.

Here's what my 5 year-old nephew said to my sister as they walked to

their car: " She's just full of garbage. Grandma is full of garbage,

mama. "

You know what? None of us even use the phrase " full of garbage. " He

was literally making the connection between the words that come out

of her mouth and the foul, unwanted junk we put on the curb every

Tuesday.

My nephew didn't read the e-mail from your fada, but I know he would

say " Kyla, your father is full of garbage. " And he would add that

YOU are full of insight, strong love for yourself and your family,

and caring for others.

Much Love,

April

> >

> > I got a half-hearted, last minute invite from dad last night

> > regarding thanksgiving. I wrote back a short note that we had

> made

> > plans with my sister in law.....

> >

> > Remember how I said I felt an explosion brewing? Well, it came

> this

> > morning from my dad in a reply e-mail (the " 4th year " comment is

> an

> > insult to my husband's family, they like us to ALL get together

> > every 4th year for Christmas). Keep in mind my mother hasn't

> called

> > me in many, many months....and he knows it:

> >

> > " Well, don't worry about it, we didn't expect to see you anyway

> > during the holidays, thought it might be the 4th year again that

> > seems to come every year. You know you could have called your

own

> > family in advance to check on who's doing what but I suppose

that

> > would be too much trouble, being the way things are.

> >

> > I seem to remember a commandment in the old testament that

covers

> > children's respect of parents but maybe in your new religion and

> > bible studies they eliminated that one. Well whatever blows

your

> > skirt up.

> > I can only say you're setting a horrible example for your

children

> > on how they should respect their parents and I only hope they

> don't

> > follow in your footsteps in that regard. I thought we raised

you

> > better than that but I guess we blew that too.

> >

> > I worried for a few hours before responding to your email, not

> > wanting things to get worse than they are but i'm tired of

people,

> > including you, that shit on your mother and me, and don't intend

> to

> > take it any more from anyone, and since we no longer have a

> > relationship what difference does it make. All we ever did to

you

> > is love you and try to bring you up the best we could, I suppose

> we

> > failed at something along the way. If your mother or I did

> > something that pissed you off all I can say is " too fuckin

bad " .

> >

> > Don't bother to respond, i'll just delete it "

> >

> > [end]

> >

> > Any thoughts, anyone?

> >

> > -Kyla

> >

>

[Guest guest]

OMG! Revolting! I am so sorry you were subjected to this ugliness...

All I can think of is that this e-mail is misdirected anger. Instead

of directing it at his wife (your mother) he's dumping it all on you,

cuz, hey, isn't that the way they've always done it? Sick, sick, sick.

I felt awful just reading this e-mail, and I never met the guy. I can

only imagine how you must feel.

I guess you can think of it this way: your father is giving you ample

reason to go completely NC.

qwerty

>

> I got a half-hearted, last minute invite from dad last night

> regarding thanksgiving. I wrote back a short note that we had made

> plans with my sister in law.....

>

> Remember how I said I felt an explosion brewing? Well, it came this

> morning from my dad in a reply e-mail (the " 4th year " comment is an

> insult to my husband's family, they like us to ALL get together

> every 4th year for Christmas). Keep in mind my mother hasn't called

> me in many, many months....and he knows it:

>

> " Well, don't worry about it, we didn't expect to see you anyway

> during the holidays, thought it might be the 4th year again that

> seems to come every year. You know you could have called your own

> family in advance to check on who's doing what but I suppose that

> would be too much trouble, being the way things are.

>

> I seem to remember a commandment in the old testament that covers

> children's respect of parents but maybe in your new religion and

> bible studies they eliminated that one. Well whatever blows your

> skirt up.

> I can only say you're setting a horrible example for your children

> on how they should respect their parents and I only hope they don't

> follow in your footsteps in that regard. I thought we raised you

> better than that but I guess we blew that too.

>

> I worried for a few hours before responding to your email, not

> wanting things to get worse than they are but i'm tired of people,

> including you, that shit on your mother and me, and don't intend to

> take it any more from anyone, and since we no longer have a

> relationship what difference does it make. All we ever did to you

> is love you and try to bring you up the best we could, I suppose we

> failed at something along the way. If your mother or I did

> something that pissed you off all I can say is " too fuckin bad " .

>

> Don't bother to respond, i'll just delete it "

>

> [end]

>

> Any thoughts, anyone?

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, this is an interesting take on the biblical commandment. I speak

Hebrew, and never really thought about the connection between respect

(kavod) and weight (koved). Both words have the same root (k.v.d.).

I've always felt a twinge of guilt about not following this

commandment (having been raised a religious Jew). Even as a secular

adult, this commandment is still a source of guilt for me.

Your interpretation makes so much sense, and helps me to see this

powerful social concept in a new light. Thank you!

qwerty

P.S. Do you remember the source of this interpretation? Was it Rashi?

>

>

in the " religion part " . In the Old Test. the word for honor means to

give weight to what is weighted or to give honor to what is honorable.

The way your parents have related to and continue to relate to you is

not honorable therefore you are not in fact breaking this commandment.

In fact you have honored your parents because you have broken the

dysfunction in the family. I'm sorry once again but I know you are

strong and this came as no surprise to you I'm sure.

>

> Kelley

[Guest guest]

I have to go out,so I apologize that this is a bit rushed.Kyla,I'm

sorry your father chose to treat you like this.He sounds so much like

my own fada:the nastiness,the sneering contempt; the whole tone of

that e-mail reeks of narcissism.I was very struck by the " screw you "

theme that runs all through it.

It's like he's saying: " I have absolutely no interest in addressing

my own inadequacies as a parent and how dare you not cater to my

inadequacies... " That seems to be what's sticking in his craw and

that's just outrageous.That whole e-mail is just him trying to

justify himself and there isn't even the slightest attempt at

emotional honesty,it's a load of " sound and fury signifying nothing " !

My fada pulls this same " ugly " routine with me.His self pity is so

huge it's all he can see.Nothing your father said to you in this e-

mail has any worth.Not a single word,it's a pointless temper tantrum.

You'll be spending Thanksgiving with your family and with your kids

who know what are great example you are.All my best wishes for a

happy,healthy holiday.

Take care,

{hugs}

>

> I got a half-hearted, last minute invite from dad last night

> regarding thanksgiving. I wrote back a short note that we had made

> plans with my sister in law.....

>

> Remember how I said I felt an explosion brewing? Well, it came

this

> morning from my dad in a reply e-mail (the " 4th year " comment is an

> insult to my husband's family, they like us to ALL get together

> every 4th year for Christmas). Keep in mind my mother hasn't

called

> me in many, many months....and he knows it:

>

> " Well, don't worry about it, we didn't expect to see you anyway

> during the holidays, thought it might be the 4th year again that

> seems to come every year. You know you could have called your own

> family in advance to check on who's doing what but I suppose that

> would be too much trouble, being the way things are.

>

> I seem to remember a commandment in the old testament that covers

> children's respect of parents but maybe in your new religion and

> bible studies they eliminated that one. Well whatever blows your

> skirt up.

> I can only say you're setting a horrible example for your children

> on how they should respect their parents and I only hope they don't

> follow in your footsteps in that regard. I thought we raised you

> better than that but I guess we blew that too.

>

> I worried for a few hours before responding to your email, not

> wanting things to get worse than they are but i'm tired of people,

> including you, that shit on your mother and me, and don't intend to

> take it any more from anyone, and since we no longer have a

> relationship what difference does it make. All we ever did to you

> is love you and try to bring you up the best we could, I suppose we

> failed at something along the way. If your mother or I did

> something that pissed you off all I can say is " too fuckin bad " .

>

> Don't bother to respond, i'll just delete it "

>

> [end]

>

> Any thoughts, anyone?

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

Yes! It's like lancing a boil! It really is almost a relief to get

their true anger out -- I've known for some time that it's been

brewing, and they are so completely passive-aggressive, that it

would take time to come out. Now it's out in the open -- laid bare.

To all who wrote all these supportive and insightful comments, I am

so grateful, it's hard to put into words. This sight is invaluable -

- I'm sure I would have a migraine by now if this had happened a few

years ago. As it is, I feel calm, clear and resolute about who

my " friends " are, and who they are NOT.

Qwerty, Jae, writermanque, katie, , Sara Jo, LL, et

al....forgive if I've left out a name, but trust that I've read

every one of your posts and there's so much richness, so much

fellowship in them -- I hope we can all learn from it as we head

into the minefield we find ourselves in. You may know it by its

more slang name: " The Holiday Season " .

You've all helped me enormously -- I feel really good. Like I've

turned a corner. I hope my experience has helped you guys, too. If

not now, maybe down the road.

{Hugely, big, enormous hugs!}

With deepest gratitude and love,

Kyla

> >

> > I got a half-hearted, last minute invite from dad last night

> > regarding thanksgiving. I wrote back a short note that we had

made

> > plans with my sister in law.....

> >

> > Remember how I said I felt an explosion brewing? Well, it came

this

> > morning from my dad in a reply e-mail (the " 4th year " comment is

an

> > insult to my husband's family, they like us to ALL get together

> > every 4th year for Christmas). Keep in mind my mother hasn't

called

> > me in many, many months....and he knows it:

> >

> > " Well, don't worry about it, we didn't expect to see you anyway

> > during the holidays, thought it might be the 4th year again that

> > seems to come every year. You know you could have called your

own

> > family in advance to check on who's doing what but I suppose

that

> > would be too much trouble, being the way things are.

> >

> > I seem to remember a commandment in the old testament that

covers

> > children's respect of parents but maybe in your new religion and

> > bible studies they eliminated that one. Well whatever blows

your

> > skirt up.

> > I can only say you're setting a horrible example for your

children

> > on how they should respect their parents and I only hope they

don't

> > follow in your footsteps in that regard. I thought we raised

you

> > better than that but I guess we blew that too.

> >

> > I worried for a few hours before responding to your email, not

> > wanting things to get worse than they are but i'm tired of

people,

> > including you, that shit on your mother and me, and don't intend

to

> > take it any more from anyone, and since we no longer have a

> > relationship what difference does it make. All we ever did to

you

> > is love you and try to bring you up the best we could, I suppose

we

> > failed at something along the way. If your mother or I did

> > something that pissed you off all I can say is " too fuckin

bad " .

> >

> > Don't bother to respond, i'll just delete it "

> >

> > [end]

> >

> > Any thoughts, anyone?

> >

> > -Kyla

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Very on-point descriptions of the tone of today's e-mail:

" the nastiness,the sneering contempt; the whole tone of that e-mail

reeks of narcissism.I was very struck by the " screw you " theme that

runs all through it. "

Makes you wonder who Dad is REALLY talking to.....his own father,

perhaps? And he's always had sneering contempt for my father in

law -- a very nice man who has done nothing but make kind attempts

to bridge some sort of relationship with my family. Being decent

people, of course they tried to do that. They've always been kind

and welcoming to me from the minute my future husband brought me to

meet them.

But my dad? I remember the time he bullied me into changing my

Christmas plans when I was married and pregnant with my first

child. We had already made plans to spend the day with my husband's

family -- it was a special Christmas and all the siblings and

spouses and grandchildren would be there. My dad said, " Well, you

just tell them you have to GO and you come over here. FUCK THEM! "

I was so horrified at this, that I went into the bathroom and cried

my eyes out. It never occured to me to stand up for myself and tell

him I wouldn't stand for that kind of talk and walk out.

I crumbled like a house of cards, and it was the most miserable

Christmas of my life, without question. We showed up, and Dad had

this satisfied look on his face. He'd won.

Here it is 13 years later, and I'm finally strong enough to issue my

own " screw you " , without saying a word. I'm through being bullied.

-Kyla

> >

> > I got a half-hearted, last minute invite from dad last night

> > regarding thanksgiving. I wrote back a short note that we had

made

> > plans with my sister in law.....

> >

> > Remember how I said I felt an explosion brewing? Well, it came

> this

> > morning from my dad in a reply e-mail (the " 4th year " comment is

an

> > insult to my husband's family, they like us to ALL get together

> > every 4th year for Christmas). Keep in mind my mother hasn't

> called

> > me in many, many months....and he knows it:

> >

> > " Well, don't worry about it, we didn't expect to see you anyway

> > during the holidays, thought it might be the 4th year again that

> > seems to come every year. You know you could have called your

own

> > family in advance to check on who's doing what but I suppose

that

> > would be too much trouble, being the way things are.

> >

> > I seem to remember a commandment in the old testament that

covers

> > children's respect of parents but maybe in your new religion and

> > bible studies they eliminated that one. Well whatever blows

your

> > skirt up.

> > I can only say you're setting a horrible example for your

children

> > on how they should respect their parents and I only hope they

don't

> > follow in your footsteps in that regard. I thought we raised

you

> > better than that but I guess we blew that too.

> >

> > I worried for a few hours before responding to your email, not

> > wanting things to get worse than they are but i'm tired of

people,

> > including you, that shit on your mother and me, and don't intend

to

> > take it any more from anyone, and since we no longer have a

> > relationship what difference does it make. All we ever did to

you

> > is love you and try to bring you up the best we could, I suppose

we

> > failed at something along the way. If your mother or I did

> > something that pissed you off all I can say is " too fuckin

bad " .

> >

> > Don't bother to respond, i'll just delete it "

> >

> > [end]

> >

> > Any thoughts, anyone?

> >

> > -Kyla

> >

>