Advice for my cousins??

[Guest guest]

I'm sure the message board is going to be flooded with nada stories

from Thanksgiving, so here goes. The usual took place. Nada split me

black. This morning she told my cousin she was not coming to

Thanksgiving at our house so he would give her the pity she was

looking for and offer to drive her over, even though I had already

told her that my husband would be there to pick her up. Of course my

cousin " convinced " her to come over (she wouldn't have missed it if

you paid her anyway) and he drove her over. She just wanted pity.

She knows my cousin is kind and that he loves her and she know she if

was to get pity from anyone, it would be from him.

Nada told my other cousin I did not visit her at all when she was in

rehabilitation for her broken ankle and that I was not taking care of

her. I purposely did not visit with her on a regular basis because I

had told her before she broke her ankle that I would not do so until

she got into therapy which will begin now that she is out of the in-

patient physical rehabilitation center. I'm done with her abuse and

refuse to subject my children to it. I only stayed to visit twice in

three weeks while she was there. Once was when I broke the bad news

that her brother had passed away. I stayed with her for about an

hour that night. The other time was to visit with my husband and

children on a Sunday just to visit for another hour. I was, however,

there a two times each week to bring her clean laundry, and whatever

else she asked for from her house.

My husband and I brought her home from the rehabilitation center

together and since she's been home, I've done her food shopping,

arranged to have her house cleaned, brought her to two doctors

appointments with my infant in tow, her wheel chair and walker, (all

with my bad back. I've got degenerative disc disease and have the

back of a 70 year old. I'm currently completely out of alighment and

in constant pain.) I've mailed her letters, taken down her holiday

decorations, set up her house by sliding her furniture out of the way

so her walker and wheel chair could get through, emptied her

refrigerator, done her laundry, and taken out her garbage. I've

called the nursing agency as per her request to check if she was

getting a home health aid which she is - three times a week, and last

but not least, I made sure she went home with extra food from

Thanksgiving.

After all that, she's still pissed at me because I refused to help

her bathe. I cannot help her do that because of my back. She'd

probably have one of her " panic " attacks and pull me down into the

tub with her. I'd pull out my back and then who would take care of

my three kids? Besides...she has a home health aide...she just wants

to suck me in and I refuse to allow her to do that. She also asked

me to help her get up off of my toilet today because she did not have

her raised seat here. She said in her desperate voice that she

couldn't get up and started to cry. I told her I couldn't lift her

and that she had no choice but to get up on her own. When she

insisted she couldn't, I told her I would get my husband in if she

still could not do it on her own...miraculously she found a way to

get up. Surprise, surprise.

I've explained to my cousins what has been going on and that my mom

has a mental disorder. They finally get it as their father has just

died ,(my mother's brother) and they found out he was a hoarder.

They couldn't find the floor in his house after he died. He hadn't

let them in his apartment in over ten years. They have taken dozens

of Hefty bags of garbage out so far and aren't even close to being

done.

We all finally understand that all three of the siblings, (My mom,

her sister, and their father) had-have some form of mental disorder

and I think my cousins finally understand that the arguing that goes

on between my mother and I has been a product of my moms illness.

They never realized how serious her mental abuse was because I had

never told them everything. I thought now with me having LC I needed

the family to understand about the boundaries I've put in place and

that I am doing this for my own sanity and for my children's sake.

Here's the dilemma. I never want anyone to be rude or disrespectful

to my mother. I know she has no one except for me and them. She is

widowed and now both of her siblings are dead. (Even though she was

never really close with them to begin with. We didn't have contact

with them for years because of a grudge my mother had agianst them.

It was only at my instence that we all reunite as a family again.)

Regardless, my cousins love her and don't want to hurt her and they

don't want to hurt me either. What should they say to her when she

splits me black to them? How do they say, " I don't want to discuss

this with you, " without seeming rude?

I told them I would ask you all what is a good strategy for them to

use when she starts ranting about me to them. Any ideas?

Thanks.