Re: Also new, almost NC

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the group. Congratulations on leaving that awful situation and

finding a great

partner to support you with it!!

I also have a chronic illness it is really under control with medication but

every time I see

NADA, I start to feel like crap again. My blood work actually changes. It

usually takes me

about 2 months to feel better again.

My dr. and I finally figured out that was what is causing my ups and downs. SO

now when

I have to see her (she lives far) I start a month before getting adjustments,

therapeutic

massages and taking lots of relaxing baths. It hasn't really worked yet but I

can't get

myself to go NC.

She did ask me to come for a visit yesterday. THrough e-mail beause she knows

how mad

I am at her for yelling at me last week. I was so glad b/c it was really easy

to write back

no.

If only that would be the end of it. I am going to stand strong and not see her

for a while.

I would like to get better and finally be able to go back to work.

> >

> > Hi all,

> >

> > I just joined the group today. I hope it's okay if I share what's

> going on like this. I just

> > don't feel like anyone else can understand what is going on and

> tell me if I am crazy or a

> > bad person or not, because I don't know what normal is.

> >

> > A couple of years ago, my therapist (the first one I've been to)

> told me that what I

> > described about my mother sounded like BPD. I read stuff about BPD

> online and it seemed

> > to fit, but I put it aside, thinking I didn't have to deal with it

> and that if I just went along,

> > smoothing things over with my mom and apologizing so that things

> would go back to

> > " normal " after I disappointed her, it would be easier.

> >

> > Fast forward to now. My mom has had a lot of hip and back problems

> for a few years and

> > has required me to help her with a lot of different things -- all

> kinds of shopping, heavy

> > and light cleaning, driving her places, spending time with her

> when she felt bad, helping

> > her with money, etc . Doing these things for her was not strange

> to me because I have

> > always had to help her with these kind of things, ever since I was

> 8 years old -- because

> > she was an alcholic on and off, or had anxiety disorders, or was

> depressed, and there was

> > no father around and I had no siblings. If I didn't help her

> however she asked, she would

> > either scream at me at the top of her lungs, or guilt-trip

> me: " You can't even do that? My

> > god, after all I've done for you. Pathetic. " . She would

> alternately heap loving praise on me

> > and then tell me I was worthless. When I was overweight as a

> child, she would walk in on

> > me when I was dressing or in the bathroom and make comments about

> like " Wow, so

> > those are what " thunder-thighs " look like. " When she was an

> alcholic, she couldn't drive

> > me to school, so I dropped out in 6th grade. My grandmother helped

> me get my GED when

> > I was old enough to do that.

> >

> > Since I wasn't in school, and didn't live in a neighborhood with

> other kids, I didn't really

> > have any friends. When I did make friends later on, I tried not to

> bring them around the

> > house at all because she would ask them to do things for her, and

> if they didn't, tell me

> > how worthless they were and how they were bad friends and only

> used me. It was also

> > difficult to bring friends over because the house we lived in was

> absolutley filthy. I just got

> > used to it and didn't really know what to do because it was so

> dirty. My mom always

> > blamed me for the mess, screaming at me non-stop about it. I

> finally realized weeks ago

> > that ever since I stopped living with my mom, I keep my living

> area clean, and my mom's

> > house is still filthy.

> >

> > When I wanted to move out of the house when I was 20, it was a

> major problem for her.

> > She screamed at me non-stop, telling me I'd only be able to live

> in a " sh*t-hole " , that

> > children from other cultures live with their parents and help them

> with family expenses,

> > etc. Thankfully, I had friends who supported me, and I did move

> out.

> >

> > Ever since I've moved out, I've had to go to her house and clean

> up for her, or do

> > shopping, or things like that. Every time I talk to her or see her

> she asks me to do

> > something for her, from scrubbing her outside picnic table down

> with bleach to scrubbing

> > her kitchen floor.

> >

> > Anyway, back to what's happening now, my mom was finally able to

> have the surgery she

> > needed to help solve her physical problems. Since she lives two

> hours away from the

> > hospital, this meant me driving her back and forth to and from

> various appointments at

> > the hospital. After only a few trips I thought I would lose it. My

> mom is diagnosed with

> > anxiety disorder of some kind (and has also been disagnosed with

> bi-polar disorder) and

> > her anxiety level on these trips was 10 on a scale of 1-10. She

> would scream and grab the

> > dashboard while I was driving, or scream about how we were going

> to be late, or what I

> > was doing wrong.

> >

> > I didn't handle this well, and I would tell her to shut up, I just

> couldn't take it anymore. I

> > would shut down, it was awful. She would be in a rage and talk

> about how awful people

> > were and how evil they were, and be so negative I thought I just

> couldn't take it.

> >

> > I couldn't drive her to the hospital the morning of her surgery

> because I was sick with the

> > flu and besides that I couldn't get her sick right before her

> surgery, but she was in a hotel

> > near the hospital and took a cab to the hospital. At the hospital

> she fell down in the

> > bathroom. She was OK but when she called me she told me that if I

> had been there she

> > wouldn't have fallen.

> >

> > While my mom was in the hospital doing physical therapy and rehab

> after her surgery, she

> > started receiving the support of people she knew and family and

> the nurses, and she felt

> > really cared for by a lot of people, and I was really happy for

> her. But at the same time, the

> > more she felt like other people were taking care of her, sending

> her flowers, calling her

> > multiple times a day, etc. the more she made little comments to me

> about how I wasn't

> > doing that much for her. She would call me, full of anxiety and

> almost hysterical, about

> > how I had to do this or that. Or, she would call me, and tell

> me " Now here's what you're

> > going to do to get me home. " She had been really negative about

> her recovery and

> > complaining that she always felt like she was going to hurt

> herself while walking around,

> > and that her pain was awful, and my car was too uncomfortable for

> her to sit in, so I would

> > have to rent a car to drive her home, etc.

> >

> > I for it, or how much it would

> > cost if it didn't, etc. When I told her I was doing this she

> became hysterical and said " What!

> > We had a plan! We decided! What is so wrong? Why is everything so

> hard with you? " . I tried

> > to tell her I was just figuring out the options but she was

> already so upset.

> >

> > She called various family member and friends and told them about

> how awful I was. They

> > agreed to pay for her transport. After this, she was ice cold to

> me for days.

> >

> > Now she's home. I talked to her on the phone last night and she

> was friendly, and then

> > said, " We're not going to have you do too much cleaning this

> weekend, but if you could

> > scrub down the picnic table with bleach, that'd be great. " I told

> her that I really needed a

> > weekend off from doing stuff like that and that I needed to make

> dinner and would call her

> > tomorrow, and we hung up.

> >

> > Then this morning I received emails from her that say things like:

> >

> > " Nothing has been demanded of you. That's all in your own mind. "

> >

> > " If only you knew how afraid I am -- and have been for some time --

> to

> > ask anything of you because your reactions are so emotional, and

> > everything is such a big deal. "

> >

> > " You have been great many times -- many, many times! and I'm so

> very,

> > very grateful -- but, compared to what I have seen other family

> > members do for others at the hospital, you've had it pretty easy. "

> >

> > " I've learned a lot from this experience. And it BROKE MY HEART --

> but

> > only the nurses and doctors at the hospital know how incredibly,

> > terribly sad I was and comforted me. "

> >

> > " I couldn't eat for nearly two days, and I lost my desire to do

> > anything or get better. Thank god that the family members came

> through

> > for me in helping me get home, and were so glad to help. "

> >

> > " I'm still your mother and will always be your mother. But I'm

> wary

> > now. And it makes me incredibly sad. That's life. Lesson

> learned. "

> >

> > " That you chose to react like this while I was still in the

> hospital is

> > utterly shocking to me, and shocking to others. It could have, and

> > should have, waited. But so be it. Like I said, lesson learned. "

> >

> > And now I feel like my heart is broken. I just don't know what to

> do. I don't know if I am a

> > bad person or not. I don't know if I could have done more or

> should have done more or

> > not. I don't know if I should apologize and beg for forgiveness

> from her or if she is

> > manipulating me and asking for so much more beyond what a mother

> should ask of from

> > her daughter.

> >

> > For years I saw my mother treat a family member or friend as an

> amazing, valued person

> > and then turn on them and say they were evil and abusive and

> awful. Now I think I am that

> > person and I wonder if my mother ever really loved me or if I just

> gave in to her every time

> > and did what she wanted and that is why she was nice to me when

> she was.

> >

> > I am sorry this is so long. I just don't know who else to talk to.

> I don't think anyone else I

> > know can understand. Most other people seem to think I am an awful

> person for not

> > helping my mother more.

> >

> > Thank you for reading this.

> >

>

>

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, your husband is a saint!

> >

> > Hi all,

> >

> > I just joined the group today. I hope it's okay if I share what's

> going on like this. I just

> > don't feel like anyone else can understand what is going on and

> tell me if I am crazy or a

> > bad person or not, because I don't know what normal is.

> >

> > A couple of years ago, my therapist (the first one I've been to)

> told me that what I

> > described about my mother sounded like BPD. I read stuff about BPD

> online and it seemed

> > to fit, but I put it aside, thinking I didn't have to deal with it

> and that if I just went along,

> > smoothing things over with my mom and apologizing so that things

> would go back to

> > " normal " after I disappointed her, it would be easier.

> >

> > Fast forward to now. My mom has had a lot of hip and back problems

> for a few years and

> > has required me to help her with a lot of different things -- all

> kinds of shopping, heavy

> > and light cleaning, driving her places, spending time with her

> when she felt bad, helping

> > her with money, etc . Doing these things for her was not strange

> to me because I have

> > always had to help her with these kind of things, ever since I was

> 8 years old -- because

> > she was an alcholic on and off, or had anxiety disorders, or was

> depressed, and there was

> > no father around and I had no siblings. If I didn't help her

> however she asked, she would

> > either scream at me at the top of her lungs, or guilt-trip

> me: " You can't even do that? My

> > god, after all I've done for you. Pathetic. " . She would

> alternately heap loving praise on me

> > and then tell me I was worthless. When I was overweight as a

> child, she would walk in on

> > me when I was dressing or in the bathroom and make comments about

> like " Wow, so

> > those are what " thunder-thighs " look like. " When she was an

> alcholic, she couldn't drive

> > me to school, so I dropped out in 6th grade. My grandmother helped

> me get my GED when

> > I was old enough to do that.

> >

> > Since I wasn't in school, and didn't live in a neighborhood with

> other kids, I didn't really

> > have any friends. When I did make friends later on, I tried not to

> bring them around the

> > house at all because she would ask them to do things for her, and

> if they didn't, tell me

> > how worthless they were and how they were bad friends and only

> used me. It was also

> > difficult to bring friends over because the house we lived in was

> absolutley filthy. I just got

> > used to it and didn't really know what to do because it was so

> dirty. My mom always

> > blamed me for the mess, screaming at me non-stop about it. I

> finally realized weeks ago

> > that ever since I stopped living with my mom, I keep my living

> area clean, and my mom's

> > house is still filthy.

> >

> > When I wanted to move out of the house when I was 20, it was a

> major problem for her.

> > She screamed at me non-stop, telling me I'd only be able to live

> in a " sh*t-hole " , that

> > children from other cultures live with their parents and help them

> with family expenses,

> > etc. Thankfully, I had friends who supported me, and I did move

> out.

> >

> > Ever since I've moved out, I've had to go to her house and clean

> up for her, or do

> > shopping, or things like that. Every time I talk to her or see her

> she asks me to do

> > something for her, from scrubbing her outside picnic table down

> with bleach to scrubbing

> > her kitchen floor.

> >

> > Anyway, back to what's happening now, my mom was finally able to

> have the surgery she

> > needed to help solve her physical problems. Since she lives two

> hours away from the

> > hospital, this meant me driving her back and forth to and from

> various appointments at

> > the hospital. After only a few trips I thought I would lose it. My

> mom is diagnosed with

> > anxiety disorder of some kind (and has also been disagnosed with

> bi-polar disorder) and

> > her anxiety level on these trips was 10 on a scale of 1-10. She

> would scream and grab the

> > dashboard while I was driving, or scream about how we were going

> to be late, or what I

> > was doing wrong.

> >

> > I didn't handle this well, and I would tell her to shut up, I just

> couldn't take it anymore. I

> > would shut down, it was awful. She would be in a rage and talk

> about how awful people

> > were and how evil they were, and be so negative I thought I just

> couldn't take it.

> >

> > I couldn't drive her to the hospital the morning of her surgery

> because I was sick with the

> > flu and besides that I couldn't get her sick right before her

> surgery, but she was in a hotel

> > near the hospital and took a cab to the hospital. At the hospital

> she fell down in the

> > bathroom. She was OK but when she called me she told me that if I

> had been there she

> > wouldn't have fallen.

> >

> > While my mom was in the hospital doing physical therapy and rehab

> after her surgery, she

> > started receiving the support of people she knew and family and

> the nurses, and she felt

> > really cared for by a lot of people, and I was really happy for

> her. But at the same time, the

> > more she felt like other people were taking care of her, sending

> her flowers, calling her

> > multiple times a day, etc. the more she made little comments to me

> about how I wasn't

> > doing that much for her. She would call me, full of anxiety and

> almost hysterical, about

> > how I had to do this or that. Or, she would call me, and tell

> me " Now here's what you're

> > going to do to get me home. " She had been really negative about

> her recovery and

> > complaining that she always felt like she was going to hurt

> herself while walking around,

> > and that her pain was awful, and my car was too uncomfortable for

> her to sit in, so I would

> > have to rent a car to drive her home, etc.

> >

> > I for it, or how much it would

> > cost if it didn't, etc. When I told her I was doing this she

> became hysterical and said " What!

> > We had a plan! We decided! What is so wrong? Why is everything so

> hard with you? " . I tried

> > to tell her I was just figuring out the options but she was

> already so upset.

> >

> > She called various family member and friends and told them about

> how awful I was. They

> > agreed to pay for her transport. After this, she was ice cold to

> me for days.

> >

> > Now she's home. I talked to her on the phone last night and she

> was friendly, and then

> > said, " We're not going to have you do too much cleaning this

> weekend, but if you could

> > scrub down the picnic table with bleach, that'd be great. " I told

> her that I really needed a

> > weekend off from doing stuff like that and that I needed to make

> dinner and would call her

> > tomorrow, and we hung up.

> >

> > Then this morning I received emails from her that say things like:

> >

> > " Nothing has been demanded of you. That's all in your own mind. "

> >

> > " If only you knew how afraid I am -- and have been for some time -

-

> to

> > ask anything of you because your reactions are so emotional, and

> > everything is such a big deal. "

> >

> > " You have been great many times -- many, many times! and I'm so

> very,

> > very grateful -- but, compared to what I have seen other family

> > members do for others at the hospital, you've had it pretty easy. "

> >

> > " I've learned a lot from this experience. And it BROKE MY HEART --

> but

> > only the nurses and doctors at the hospital know how incredibly,

> > terribly sad I was and comforted me. "

> >

> > " I couldn't eat for nearly two days, and I lost my desire to do

> > anything or get better. Thank god that the family members came

> through

> > for me in helping me get home, and were so glad to help. "

> >

> > " I'm still your mother and will always be your mother. But I'm

> wary

> > now. And it makes me incredibly sad. That's life. Lesson

> learned. "

> >

> > " That you chose to react like this while I was still in the

> hospital is

> > utterly shocking to me, and shocking to others. It could have, and

> > should have, waited. But so be it. Like I said, lesson learned. "

> >

> > And now I feel like my heart is broken. I just don't know what to

> do. I don't know if I am a

> > bad person or not. I don't know if I could have done more or

> should have done more or

> > not. I don't know if I should apologize and beg for forgiveness

> from her or if she is

> > manipulating me and asking for so much more beyond what a mother

> should ask of from

> > her daughter.

> >

> > For years I saw my mother treat a family member or friend as an

> amazing, valued person

> > and then turn on them and say they were evil and abusive and

> awful. Now I think I am that

> > person and I wonder if my mother ever really loved me or if I just

> gave in to her every time

> > and did what she wanted and that is why she was nice to me when

> she was.

> >

> > I am sorry this is so long. I just don't know who else to talk to.

> I don't think anyone else I

> > know can understand. Most other people seem to think I am an awful

> person for not

> > helping my mother more.

> >

> > Thank you for reading this.

> >

>

>

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

I have been NC for 2 months. Have enjoyed every moment, other then the

first couple weeks of stress and torture..............................I have

been

doing well, I need HELP RIGHT NOW!!!

Had lunch with my Dad last friday. His best friend went to China & Japan

w/his son for 28 days. He brought my Dad a little hand painted pill box, from

Japan; heart felt gift to my Dad.

Tonight my husband went to nada's & fada's to fix a bi-fold door for them.

He cam e home with the hand painted pill box and inside was a tiny note

written by nada to me. It says " Drop by some time & say " hi " Love, Mom " .

I do not want to be dragged into her world again. It makes me so mad and

crazy that she thinks she can just write a stupid little note to me and

everything's all better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT! Like nothing ever happened?

She

has wished me dead, hurt me to no end by calling me names, bashing me to

relatives, slammed me in every way possible...........................and a

little

1 " x 2 " note is to put the " ball in MY court " . HELP ME. I want no parts of

her. Thought I had this under control, was calm, getting on with my life,

liking my life, [proud of my

life.............................................HELP!!!!!!!!

Appreciate any help u can give me. Love u all!!!!!

LL

************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com

[Guest guest]

Oh my goodness, LL! This is one of those mind-bender games that

they play! My own parents are playing this one --

They are the ones who don't give a rip about my life, can't be

botherd or troubled to come visit (especially nada). I finally woke

up to the fact that I'm spinning my wheels and getting myself all

worked up for a relationship that I'm holding up singlehandedly.

(There's nobody on the other end!) I finally had enough of being yo-

yo'd in and out of favor by her.

So, anyway, my dad does the same thing: starts e-mailing me to come

around and to call my mother. I refuse. etc., etc.... Now that he

knows I'm not playing that game anymore, he has the GALL to

say: " Come by or not, it's your choice. Hearts are hurting on this

end. "

See how they brush all her hurtful behavior to the side and act like

it's ME who's a petulant child having a tantrum?

Anyway -- I feel your pain at this mind game they play, and the best

I can tell from all the good books on this subject just say to

ignore it. You'll never convince them they're part of the problem.

I know in " Emotional Blackmail " by Forward, she warns about

getting dragged into a tit-for-tat as to who's responsible for

what. I think that's what's behind the non-emotional phrases that

are listed in her book to use with their attempts to ramp up the

emotion and manipulate us. Don't take the bait -- and keep the

emotions out of it. The arguments are over. We can't reason with

them. So, there's no use in trying. Just keep your LC/NC and go on

with your life.

Your parents (and mine, too) are under the illusion that if they

could just convince you that YOU are being cruel, you'll come around

and you can move forward like nothing every happened. It's their

fantasy -- not yours. Leave them to it.

We all know THEY are the troublemakers and we've merely decided not

to play the game anymore. The price for that, apparently, is a spin

campaign by them to make us look like ungrateful children. So be it.

We know the truth.

I'd say " Take a breath -- step back and let them go. "

-Kyla

>

> I have been NC for 2 months. Have enjoyed every moment, other

then the

> first couple weeks of stress and

torture..............................I have been

> doing well, I need HELP RIGHT NOW!!!

>

> Had lunch with my Dad last friday. His best friend went to China

& Japan

> w/his son for 28 days. He brought my Dad a little hand painted

pill box, from

> Japan; heart felt gift to my Dad.

>

> Tonight my husband went to nada's & fada's to fix a bi-fold door

for them.

> He cam e home with the hand painted pill box and inside was a

tiny note

> written by nada to me. It says " Drop by some time & say " hi "

Love, Mom " .

>

> I do not want to be dragged into her world again. It makes me so

mad and

> crazy that she thinks she can just write a stupid little note to

me and

> everything's all better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT! Like nothing

ever happened? She

> has wished me dead, hurt me to no end by calling me names,

bashing me to

> relatives, slammed me in every way

possible...........................and a little

> 1 " x 2 " note is to put the " ball in MY court " . HELP ME. I want

no parts of

> her. Thought I had this under control, was calm, getting on with

my life,

> liking my life, [proud of my

> life.............................................HELP!!!!!!!!

>

> Appreciate any help u can give me. Love u all!!!!!

>

> LL

>

>

>

> ************************************** See what's new at

http://www.aol.com

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

This totally just happened to me. I've been LC/NC for 9 weeks now, and this

morning I got an email with links to cookie recipes that says " Just thought you

might enjoy this. Love, Mom. " Give me a break, like that's supposed to smooth

things over and I'm just supposed to forget about everything. Maybe, if you had

talked to me, like, six, nine months ago. But not now!

See my response to " distance " .

Re: Re: Also new, almost NC

I have been NC for 2 months. Have enjoyed every moment, other then the

first couple weeks of stress and torture..... ......... ......... .......I have

been

doing well, I need HELP RIGHT NOW!!!

Had lunch with my Dad last friday. His best friend went to China & Japan

w/his son for 28 days. He brought my Dad a little hand painted pill box, from

Japan; heart felt gift to my Dad.

Tonight my husband went to nada's & fada's to fix a bi-fold door for them.

He cam e home with the hand painted pill box and inside was a tiny note

written by nada to me. It says " Drop by some time & say " hi " Love, Mom " .

I do not want to be dragged into her world again. It makes me so mad and

crazy that she thinks she can just write a stupid little note to me and

everything's all better!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!! NOT! Like nothing ever happened?

She

has wished me dead, hurt me to no end by calling me names, bashing me to

relatives, slammed me in every way possible.... ......... .......... .....and a

little

1 " x 2 " note is to put the " ball in MY court " . HELP ME. I want no parts of

her. Thought I had this under control, was calm, getting on with my life,

liking my life, [proud of my

life......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .HELP!!!! !!!!

Appreciate any help u can give me. Love u all!!!!!

LL

************ ********* ********* ******** See what's new at http://www.aol. com

[Guest guest]

Argghhhh, I know how you feel. I've been NC for 2.5 weeks (just

wrapping up that whole stress and torture thing you described) and am

choosing to ignore phone messages that aren't open to addressing the

incident that caused the NC in the first place. I hate that they think

they can act like amoral creatures and then sweep it under the rug to

talk about the weather. I say ignore the note; as long as you made it

clear when the NC began as to why you are NC, the ball is in her court

to address the problem. I know how it feels! It sucks! But hang in

there!

[Guest guest]

Thanks Kyla. I appreciate your input. I honestly thought I was done with

their torment; and fully believe it's going to start all over again. Last

night I couldn't sleep and decided while I was awake I might as well figure out

what to do should they start with their guilt trips on me again. I think

I'll ignore the note from nada. If fada says something about it (which I'm

sure she'll nag him until he does) I'll just say " I'm not ready to see her " .

In the real world, that would be enough. In their world they will try to

make you feel like you're causing them such grief and pain. I am so sick and

tired of a one-sided relationship; and it's not even a pleasant one at that.

When I got the note from nada I felt complete panic. I've had such a good

last couple months with NC; was getting on with my life, not stressing every

minute of every day. Learning about the fleas I've picked up along the way,

correcting things about myself. Truely the best I've felt in years. And now

she's trying to pull me back in..................NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Thanks again for your insight. Very sweet of you to respond.

LL

************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com

[Guest guest]

Honestly, I just have the hardest time understanding how they can possibly

think a 'little note' cures everything. No one in my life has treated me as

poorly as nada; no one has ever talked to me so cruel. And in their mind, a

little note makes everything OK?????????? How in the world is that

logical??? I can't ignore her poor behavior towards me anymore. It's not OK.

I

can't hand her my self respect on a silver platter anymore.

good luck to u,

LL

************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com

[Guest guest]

Kyla has given you the best advice - just ignore it. Anything else

feeds into their dysfunctional behavior.

Take care,

Sylvia

> >

> > I have been NC for 2 months. Have enjoyed every moment, other

> then the

> > first couple weeks of stress and

> torture..............................I have been

> > doing well, I need HELP RIGHT NOW!!!

> >

> > Had lunch with my Dad last friday. His best friend went to

China

> & Japan

> > w/his son for 28 days. He brought my Dad a little hand painted

> pill box, from

> > Japan; heart felt gift to my Dad.

> >

> > Tonight my husband went to nada's & fada's to fix a bi-fold door

> for them.

> > He cam e home with the hand painted pill box and inside was a

> tiny note

> > written by nada to me. It says " Drop by some time & say " hi "

> Love, Mom " .

> >

> > I do not want to be dragged into her world again. It makes me

so

> mad and

> > crazy that she thinks she can just write a stupid little note to

> me and

> > everything's all better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT! Like nothing

> ever happened? She

> > has wished me dead, hurt me to no end by calling me names,

> bashing me to

> > relatives, slammed me in every way

> possible...........................and a little

> > 1 " x 2 " note is to put the " ball in MY court " . HELP ME. I

want

> no parts of

> > her. Thought I had this under control, was calm, getting on

with

> my life,

> > liking my life, [proud of my

> > life.............................................HELP!!!!!!!!

> >

> > Appreciate any help u can give me. Love u all!!!!!

> >

> > LL

> >

> >

> >

> > ************************************** See what's new at

> http://www.aol.com

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Dear LL.

I so totally relate to this. After all that happened after my mom's last visit,

with me leaving the house & her having to take a plane home early, she then

sends me a card with a gift certificate in it, saying how beautiful our new

house is & we should be proud, & thanks for the trip out! Unbelievable! Such a

manipulative move on her part. We have to ignore these seemingly kind gestures

LL. These are not sincere gestures but a ploy to get us to give them attention.

We have to stay strong & resist, though we long for a real relationship with our

parent, we must remind ourselves that it's not possible.

angel

Re: Re: Also new, almost NC

I have been NC for 2 months. Have enjoyed every moment, other then the

first couple weeks of stress and torture..... ......... ......... .......I have

been

doing well, I need HELP RIGHT NOW!!!

Had lunch with my Dad last friday. His best friend went to China & Japan

w/his son for 28 days. He brought my Dad a little hand painted pill box, from

Japan; heart felt gift to my Dad.

Tonight my husband went to nada's & fada's to fix a bi-fold door for them.

He cam e home with the hand painted pill box and inside was a tiny note

written by nada to me. It says " Drop by some time & say " hi " Love, Mom " .

I do not want to be dragged into her world again. It makes me so mad and

crazy that she thinks she can just write a stupid little note to me and

everything's all better!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!! NOT! Like nothing ever happened?

She

has wished me dead, hurt me to no end by calling me names, bashing me to

relatives, slammed me in every way possible.... ......... ......... .....and a

little

1 " x 2 " note is to put the " ball in MY court " . HELP ME. I want no parts of

her. Thought I had this under control, was calm, getting on with my life,

liking my life, [proud of my

life........ ......... ......... ......... ......... .HELP!!!! !!!!

Appreciate any help u can give me. Love u all!!!!!

LL

************ ********* ********* ******** See what's new at http://www.aol. com

[Guest guest]

You worded that so well! I'm going through the same thing. I still

have moments of panic, too. The approach of Thanksgiving has

stirred it up again. I know that it's because I see them blaming me

that we aren't getting together.

You're smart to have an answer ready when they keep picking up that

stinkin' bait (note from nada) off the floor and keep trying to hook

you with it. The more it's ignored and you're detached from it, the

better. If your dad brings it up again, that's your proof that it

was more than " just a note " . It was bait.

I don't know if that panic ever goes away. But I feel it, too.

-Kyla

>

> Thanks Kyla. I appreciate your input. I honestly thought I was

done with

> their torment; and fully believe it's going to start all over

again. Last

> night I couldn't sleep and decided while I was awake I might as

well figure out

> what to do should they start with their guilt trips on me again.

I think

> I'll ignore the note from nada. If fada says something about it

(which I'm

> sure she'll nag him until he does) I'll just say " I'm not ready

to see her " .

>

> In the real world, that would be enough. In their world they will

try to

> make you feel like you're causing them such grief and pain. I am

so sick and

> tired of a one-sided relationship; and it's not even a pleasant

one at that.

> When I got the note from nada I felt complete panic. I've had

such a good

> last couple months with NC; was getting on with my life, not

stressing every

> minute of every day. Learning about the fleas I've picked up

along the way,

> correcting things about myself. Truely the best I've felt in

years. And now

> she's trying to pull me back in..................NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

>

> Thanks again for your insight. Very sweet of you to respond.

>

> LL

>

>

>

> ************************************** See what's new at

http://www.aol.com

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

When you figure that one out, let the rest of us know! LOL

-Kyla

>

> Honestly, I just have the hardest time understanding how they can

possibly

> think a 'little note' cures everything. No one in my life has

treated me as

> poorly as nada; no one has ever talked to me so cruel. And in

their mind, a

> little note makes everything OK?????????? How in the world is

that

> logical??? I can't ignore her poor behavior towards me anymore.

It's not OK. I

> can't hand her my self respect on a silver platter anymore.

>

> good luck to u,

>

> LL

>

>

>

> ************************************** See what's new at

http://www.aol.com

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

angel,

You are so right. Seemingly 'kind gestures' should be ignored. Can't

believe after what your mother did on her visit w/u, she has the nerve to even

attempt to step back in your life like nothing happened.

I've decided to ignore the tiny little note my nada sent me. Although, I

have to admit, my skin is crawling at the thought of what's ahead.

LL

************************************** See what's new at http://www.aol.com