Re: big blow up...need help

[Guest guest]

Sara Jo --

First, take a deep breath. You walked into a trap -- and she was

waiting to pounce. Your intentions were kind and sharing exciting

news is what NORMAL daughters are able to do with their mothers.

But you and I aren't in that situation, unfortunately.

I'm sorry she chose to " smack " you around when you tried to share

your excitement with her. Now you know what to expect -- and it's

not someone on the other end of the line who is excited about your

good news. Maybe next time, find someone else to share it with.

Next time you're on the phone with your mother and she starts to

drag out the " ways you've disappointed me " speech, end the

conversation and get off the phone. You can't skip down

conversation lane with these people. And you CANNOT reason with

them. They're going to think the world is against them ALWAYS --

because it keeps them from having to look at themselves. Through no

fault of yours, it's a system set up for you to fail, so don't even

try. Your mistake was to try to debate each point -- SHE ALREADY

KNOWS who the victor in the debate will be: HER.

As far as " the rest of the family " -- I'd exercise caution when

accepting this just on her word. Unless they've agreed to let her

be her spokesperson, this is nothing more than another common tactic

the BPD uses to fight you setting down healthy boundaries: it's

emotional blackmail. Sweeping generalizations like that are

standard operating procedure with them. Ignore it. Don't fear it.

Breathe......

I'm sorry if she's talking to the " rest of the family " but that's

her choice, and she's free to do that, and there's nothing you can

do about it. It's a free country. You have to let that go. It has

to be let go, or she will keep it in her toolbox to use against

you. Those members of the family that will accept her rantings

about you (and what have you done, exactly -- draw the line against

her devouring you up anymore? That's a HEALTHY thing. You have

nothing to apologize for. Only in her warped way of thinking have

you done something " wrong " .)

As far as the Holidays go -- do you have to give up being a healthy

adult in order to pretend you guys are all one big happy family,

like in a Hallmark commercial or something? How about seeing what

happens, but don't let her twist you around just because you're

afraid of losing some utopian version of " holidays " .....Rewrite what

it means to have a holiday. Spend it alone or with friends if you

have to -- that way she'll know you truly are going into your own

life. Have your own holiday meal at your house -- take a trip --

whatever you choose, but don't think that there is only ONE way to

spend a holiday. Be thankful that you're finally leaving the nest

and respecting yourself, even if you're saying grace over Stouffer's

Turkey & Dressing -- you've got your self-respect and you're not a

victim anymore. THAT is something to be thankful for. Let your

angry, mean mother spend it spitting nails and muttering to herself

how the world's against her.

As for the rest of the family, I wouldn't go around trying to

convince them all that you're not what nada is making you out to

be. It gives dignity to an otherwise distasteful situation, most of

which is probably in her imagination. It just sounds like too much

of a convenient generalization (and BPDs are fond of those --

remember the " Black/White " thinking they do?).

It sounds ridiculous to say " ALL of the family is against you. "

C'mon. Let that go. Interact with each member as the opportunity

presents itself and I wouldn't discuss ANY of this with them. Just

be gracious, affectionate and polite and have your OWN interaction

with them. The reality before them won't match up with the crazy

rantings that nada has fed them, and they'll make up their own mind.

What she did to you on the phone was MEAN -- and it stepped all over

your excitement. Notice how she totally ruined that for you? To

drive her agenda down your throat? She was wrong to do that and you

don't deserve to be treated that way by ANYBODY. The fact that you

stood there and took it from her should make you realize how badly

it makes you feel when you get off the phone, and the value in

hanging up next time and leaving her to rant to the cat should look

more like the healthy thing to do.

And for her to believe that you owe her your soul just because she

did her job as a parent, reminds me (and please excuse the

distasteful analogy, but it seems to parallel a blackmailer's

thinking) of the pedophile who buys the kids thousands of dollars

worth of toys and tickets to shows, etc. and when the kid says " NO! "

to sexual abuse, the adult says " But I BOUGHT YOU ALL THIS STUFF!!! "

Sorry -- but there are certain things that are not for sale, no

matter how much someone has done for you. And you're right to

remember that what she did for you as a parent was what she was

SUPPOSED to do. It was her duty that she agreed to when she decided

to raise you. Next time she brings it up, say " And how is your

parenting NOW? "

Sorry to go on so long, but it grieves me that she trampled all over

a phone call that was kindly intended to share joy with her.

Remember that next time -- and call someone else. Your mother is

angry, loaded up and ready to fire. Keep drawing your boundaries --

you're doing the right thing. If she doesn't like it, then she's

too selfish to mother you right now.

-Kyla

>

> So....another fabulous day in the land of OZ.

>

> I called my mom to tell her that I made my first offer on the

house I

> want to buy. I wanted to share my excitement with her. She gave me

a

> sarcastic " good for you " response. She sounded all sniffly like

she

> had been crying or something. And she was all silent. I

said " what's

> going on? what are you up to? " and she says " i don't know, you

tell

> me! " . So pretty much, we got into it. I know I allowed it to

happen.

> But I was calm the whole time if that helps. But it didn't. She

told

> me how ashamed she was of me because of how i " treat my mother " .

And

> the one thing she said that hurt the most was " the rest of the

family

> is done with you, they don't want anything to do with you because

of

> how you treated me! " . This was so hurtful. So I know she has been

> talking to them and dragging my name through the mud. I asked what

> she has been telling everyone, and she said she was " telling them

the

> truth! " which, we all know, her truth isn't the truth. she threw

in

> my face AGAIN how she bent over backwards to raise me, and how she

> doesn't deserve to be treated like this, and how i don't respect

her.

> i told her that we have very different ideas on what it is to

respect

> a parent. And i told her how it upsets me when she throws it in my

> face about how she had to " bend over backwards " to raise me..what

am

> i supposed to do? Spend the rest of my life paying her back for

it?

> She did her job as a parent, and it was a good job. I always told

her

> how much i appreciated her and love her and how thankful i was to

> have her in my life. i asked her what i could be doing different

to

> make her happy (not with the intention of doing it, i just wanted

to

> know) and of course there were no suggestions. All she said

was " you

> just keep doing what the crazy doctor and jeremy have been telling

> you to do " (the " crazy doctor " is my therapist, and jeremy is my

> fiancee).

>

> Her car broke down and is not fixable. She told me on the

phone " all

> i want is compassion! I don't see how you can do this to me! " I

asked

> her what she was talking about and she said " im all alone here

> without a car!! " i told her it wasnt my fault that her car broke

> down, and I've been offering to give her a ride anywhere she needs

to

> go. it's not good enough.

> she ended up hanging up on me. So here are my big dilemmas (other

> than the hurt I feel from her doing this to me).

>

> 1) What am I supposed to do about the Holidays? I want to spend

them

> with my family, but i don't know if that is going to happen now.

> Should I give her a few days and try to call her again to talk

about

> it?

> 2)what should i do about the rest of my family? If they are " done "

> with me like NADA says they are, should i make an attempt to try

and

> talk to them about this?

>

> I dont know what to do next. Thank you all so much for reading,

and

> for any advice.

>

[Guest guest]

OOPS! I failed to finish this paragraph:

" Those members of the family that will accept her rantings

about you (and what have you done, exactly -- draw the line against

her devouring you up anymore? That's a HEALTHY thing. You have

nothing to apologize for. Only in her warped way of thinking have

you done something " wrong " .) aren't worth your time. And the ones

who DO have affection for you and KNOW your mother, won't accept her

crap at face value. Each family member has to make their own,

individual judgement of you. Show them who you are, and don't talk

about your mother. Let YOU shine through and establish your OWN

independent relationship with each one, free of her tyranny and

influence peddling.

> >

> > So....another fabulous day in the land of OZ.

> >

> > I called my mom to tell her that I made my first offer on the

> house I

> > want to buy. I wanted to share my excitement with her. She gave

me

> a

> > sarcastic " good for you " response. She sounded all sniffly like

> she

> > had been crying or something. And she was all silent. I

> said " what's

> > going on? what are you up to? " and she says " i don't know, you

> tell

> > me! " . So pretty much, we got into it. I know I allowed it to

> happen.

> > But I was calm the whole time if that helps. But it didn't. She

> told

> > me how ashamed she was of me because of how i " treat my

mother " .

> And

> > the one thing she said that hurt the most was " the rest of the

> family

> > is done with you, they don't want anything to do with you

because

> of

> > how you treated me! " . This was so hurtful. So I know she has

been

> > talking to them and dragging my name through the mud. I asked

what

> > she has been telling everyone, and she said she was " telling

them

> the

> > truth! " which, we all know, her truth isn't the truth. she threw

> in

> > my face AGAIN how she bent over backwards to raise me, and how

she

> > doesn't deserve to be treated like this, and how i don't respect

> her.

> > i told her that we have very different ideas on what it is to

> respect

> > a parent. And i told her how it upsets me when she throws it in

my

> > face about how she had to " bend over backwards " to raise

me..what

> am

> > i supposed to do? Spend the rest of my life paying her back for

> it?

> > She did her job as a parent, and it was a good job. I always

told

> her

> > how much i appreciated her and love her and how thankful i was

to

> > have her in my life. i asked her what i could be doing

different

> to

> > make her happy (not with the intention of doing it, i just

wanted

> to

> > know) and of course there were no suggestions. All she said

> was " you

> > just keep doing what the crazy doctor and jeremy have been

telling

> > you to do " (the " crazy doctor " is my therapist, and jeremy is my

> > fiancee).

> >

> > Her car broke down and is not fixable. She told me on the

> phone " all

> > i want is compassion! I don't see how you can do this to me! " I

> asked

> > her what she was talking about and she said " im all alone here

> > without a car!! " i told her it wasnt my fault that her car broke

> > down, and I've been offering to give her a ride anywhere she

needs

> to

> > go. it's not good enough.

> > she ended up hanging up on me. So here are my big dilemmas

(other

> > than the hurt I feel from her doing this to me).

> >

> > 1) What am I supposed to do about the Holidays? I want to spend

> them

> > with my family, but i don't know if that is going to happen now.

> > Should I give her a few days and try to call her again to talk

> about

> > it?

> > 2)what should i do about the rest of my family? If they

are " done "

> > with me like NADA says they are, should i make an attempt to try

> and

> > talk to them about this?

> >

> > I dont know what to do next. Thank you all so much for reading,

> and

> > for any advice.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sara Jo: I wish I could construct a flow chart for these things!!

LOL!

Next conversation:

Sara Jo: (excitedly) " Mom, I made an offer on a HOUSE!! "

Mom: (sarcastic & flat) " Whoop-de-do. "

Sara Jo: " Oooooh, looks like I've caught you at a bad time. So

sorry. I'll let you go. CLICK. "

OR....

Sara Jo: " What's wrong? Sounds like you've been crying? "

Mom: (unleashing pent-up anger now) " YOU TELL ME!!! "

Sara Jo: " Oh -- I have caught you at a bad time. You don't need me

bothering you on the phone. I'm so sorry -- I'll let you go.

CLICK. "

Sara Jo dials phone to call best friend......(excitedly) " Hey, I

made an offer on a HOUSE!!!!! "

(Mom sits and waits in her spider web for next call or interaction

from Sara Jo.......poised to strike.)

Sara Jo: Poised and ready to either hang up, ignore attacks or walk

away. Repeat as needed.

If interaction is positive, continue!!!

-Kyla

>

> So....another fabulous day in the land of OZ.

>

> I called my mom to tell her that I made my first offer on the

house I

> want to buy. I wanted to share my excitement with her. She gave me

a

> sarcastic " good for you " response. She sounded all sniffly like

she

> had been crying or something. And she was all silent. I

said " what's

> going on? what are you up to? " and she says " i don't know, you

tell

> me! " . So pretty much, we got into it. I know I allowed it to

happen.

> But I was calm the whole time if that helps. But it didn't. She

told

> me how ashamed she was of me because of how i " treat my mother " .

And

> the one thing she said that hurt the most was " the rest of the

family

> is done with you, they don't want anything to do with you because

of

> how you treated me! " . This was so hurtful. So I know she has been

> talking to them and dragging my name through the mud. I asked what

> she has been telling everyone, and she said she was " telling them

the

> truth! " which, we all know, her truth isn't the truth. she threw

in

> my face AGAIN how she bent over backwards to raise me, and how she

> doesn't deserve to be treated like this, and how i don't respect

her.

> i told her that we have very different ideas on what it is to

respect

> a parent. And i told her how it upsets me when she throws it in my

> face about how she had to " bend over backwards " to raise me..what

am

> i supposed to do? Spend the rest of my life paying her back for

it?

> She did her job as a parent, and it was a good job. I always told

her

> how much i appreciated her and love her and how thankful i was to

> have her in my life. i asked her what i could be doing different

to

> make her happy (not with the intention of doing it, i just wanted

to

> know) and of course there were no suggestions. All she said

was " you

> just keep doing what the crazy doctor and jeremy have been telling

> you to do " (the " crazy doctor " is my therapist, and jeremy is my

> fiancee).

>

> Her car broke down and is not fixable. She told me on the

phone " all

> i want is compassion! I don't see how you can do this to me! " I

asked

> her what she was talking about and she said " im all alone here

> without a car!! " i told her it wasnt my fault that her car broke

> down, and I've been offering to give her a ride anywhere she needs

to

> go. it's not good enough.

> she ended up hanging up on me. So here are my big dilemmas (other

> than the hurt I feel from her doing this to me).

>

> 1) What am I supposed to do about the Holidays? I want to spend

them

> with my family, but i don't know if that is going to happen now.

> Should I give her a few days and try to call her again to talk

about

> it?

> 2)what should i do about the rest of my family? If they are " done "

> with me like NADA says they are, should i make an attempt to try

and

> talk to them about this?

>

> I dont know what to do next. Thank you all so much for reading,

and

> for any advice.

>

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

I love this! Printing it out for next to the phone. Thnx

L

> >

> > So....another fabulous day in the land of OZ.

> >

> > I called my mom to tell her that I made my first offer on the

> house I

> > want to buy. I wanted to share my excitement with her. She gave me

> a

> > sarcastic " good for you " response. She sounded all sniffly like

> she

> > had been crying or something. And she was all silent. I

> said " what's

> > going on? what are you up to? " and she says " i don't know, you

> tell

> > me! " . So pretty much, we got into it. I know I allowed it to

> happen.

> > But I was calm the whole time if that helps. But it didn't. She

> told

> > me how ashamed she was of me because of how i " treat my mother " .

> And

> > the one thing she said that hurt the most was " the rest of the

> family

> > is done with you, they don't want anything to do with you because

> of

> > how you treated me! " . This was so hurtful. So I know she has been

> > talking to them and dragging my name through the mud. I asked what

> > she has been telling everyone, and she said she was " telling them

> the

> > truth! " which, we all know, her truth isn't the truth. she threw

> in

> > my face AGAIN how she bent over backwards to raise me, and how she

> > doesn't deserve to be treated like this, and how i don't respect

> her.

> > i told her that we have very different ideas on what it is to

> respect

> > a parent. And i told her how it upsets me when she throws it in my

> > face about how she had to " bend over backwards " to raise me..what

> am

> > i supposed to do? Spend the rest of my life paying her back for

> it?

> > She did her job as a parent, and it was a good job. I always told

> her

> > how much i appreciated her and love her and how thankful i was to

> > have her in my life. i asked her what i could be doing different

> to

> > make her happy (not with the intention of doing it, i just wanted

> to

> > know) and of course there were no suggestions. All she said

> was " you

> > just keep doing what the crazy doctor and jeremy have been telling

> > you to do " (the " crazy doctor " is my therapist, and jeremy is my

> > fiancee).

> >

> > Her car broke down and is not fixable. She told me on the

> phone " all

> > i want is compassion! I don't see how you can do this to me! " I

> asked

> > her what she was talking about and she said " im all alone here

> > without a car!! " i told her it wasnt my fault that her car broke

> > down, and I've been offering to give her a ride anywhere she needs

> to

> > go. it's not good enough.

> > she ended up hanging up on me. So here are my big dilemmas (other

> > than the hurt I feel from her doing this to me).

> >

> > 1) What am I supposed to do about the Holidays? I want to spend

> them

> > with my family, but i don't know if that is going to happen now.

> > Should I give her a few days and try to call her again to talk

> about

> > it?

> > 2)what should i do about the rest of my family? If they are " done "

> > with me like NADA says they are, should i make an attempt to try

> and

> > talk to them about this?

> >

> > I dont know what to do next. Thank you all so much for reading,

> and

> > for any advice.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sara Jo,

I have learned to never, ever, believe what a BP has told me, unless

I check it out first. Especially in situation where they are

telling you what others think. You can never tell if they are just

out and out lying, or are misinterpreting what they have heard.

I would not even try to talk to her about this. Talking about

something implies that both people are able to discuss something

rationally. Your mother is not able to do that.

Did you notice how she took the focus off of you and onto her? You

were excited and wanted to SHARE with her this excitement. But she

isn't capable of feeling good for your good fortune. You have

something to be very happy about, and she turns it around to how

ashamed she is of you! Sara, healthy moms do not do this! A

healthy mom says, 'Sara, that is great. This is such a wonderful

accomplishment that you are able to buy your own home. You have

worked hard, and saved your money, and now you are seeing the

results of your efforts. I am very proud of you. I really hope the

offer is accepted.'

When your mom got all sniffly, that would have been a good time to

follow the advice of someone else (I don't remember who), who would

say, " Oh, I caught you at a bad time. I'll let you go now, and we

can talk later " . CLICK! Don't get into it with her, don't even try

to get her to understand - she is not willing to do so.

By the way, I think it is really awesome that you are in a position

to buy a home. Good for you! I wish you much success in this

endeavor.

Sylvia

>

> So....another fabulous day in the land of OZ.

>

> I called my mom to tell her that I made my first offer on the

house I

> want to buy. I wanted to share my excitement with her. She gave me

a

> sarcastic " good for you " response. She sounded all sniffly like

she

> had been crying or something. And she was all silent. I

said " what's

> going on? what are you up to? " and she says " i don't know, you

tell

> me! " . So pretty much, we got into it. I know I allowed it to

happen.

> But I was calm the whole time if that helps. But it didn't. She

told

> me how ashamed she was of me because of how i " treat my mother " .

And

> the one thing she said that hurt the most was " the rest of the

family

> is done with you, they don't want anything to do with you because

of

> how you treated me! " . This was so hurtful. So I know she has been

> talking to them and dragging my name through the mud. I asked what

> she has been telling everyone, and she said she was " telling them

the

> truth! " which, we all know, her truth isn't the truth. she threw

in

> my face AGAIN how she bent over backwards to raise me, and how she

> doesn't deserve to be treated like this, and how i don't respect

her.

> i told her that we have very different ideas on what it is to

respect

> a parent. And i told her how it upsets me when she throws it in my

> face about how she had to " bend over backwards " to raise me..what

am

> i supposed to do? Spend the rest of my life paying her back for

it?

> She did her job as a parent, and it was a good job. I always told

her

> how much i appreciated her and love her and how thankful i was to

> have her in my life. i asked her what i could be doing different

to

> make her happy (not with the intention of doing it, i just wanted

to

> know) and of course there were no suggestions. All she said

was " you

> just keep doing what the crazy doctor and jeremy have been telling

> you to do " (the " crazy doctor " is my therapist, and jeremy is my

> fiancee).

>

> Her car broke down and is not fixable. She told me on the

phone " all

> i want is compassion! I don't see how you can do this to me! " I

asked

> her what she was talking about and she said " im all alone here

> without a car!! " i told her it wasnt my fault that her car broke

> down, and I've been offering to give her a ride anywhere she needs

to

> go. it's not good enough.

> she ended up hanging up on me. So here are my big dilemmas (other

> than the hurt I feel from her doing this to me).

>

> 1) What am I supposed to do about the Holidays? I want to spend

them

> with my family, but i don't know if that is going to happen now.

> Should I give her a few days and try to call her again to talk

about

> it?

> 2)what should i do about the rest of my family? If they are " done "

> with me like NADA says they are, should i make an attempt to try

and

> talk to them about this?

>

> I dont know what to do next. Thank you all so much for reading,

and

> for any advice.

>

[Guest guest]

Great advice Kyla!

Kelley

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: kylaboo728@...: Fri, 16 Nov

2007 03:32:45 +0000Subject: Re: big blow up...need help

Sara Jo: I wish I could construct a flow chart for these things!!LOL!Next

conversation:Sara Jo: (excitedly) " Mom, I made an offer on a HOUSE!! " Mom:

(sarcastic & flat) " Whoop-de-do. " Sara Jo: " Oooooh, looks like I've caught you at

a bad time. So sorry. I'll let you go. CLICK. " OR....Sara Jo: " What's wrong?

Sounds like you've been crying? " Mom: (unleashing pent-up anger now) " YOU TELL

ME!!! " Sara Jo: " Oh -- I have caught you at a bad time. You don't need me

bothering you on the phone. I'm so sorry -- I'll let you go. CLICK. " Sara Jo

dials phone to call best friend......(excitedly) " Hey, I made an offer on a

HOUSE!!!!! " (Mom sits and waits in her spider web for next call or interaction

from Sara Jo.......poised to strike.) Sara Jo: Poised and ready to either hang

up, ignore attacks or walk away. Repeat as needed.If interaction is positive,

continue!!!-Kyla>> So....another fabulous day in the land of OZ. > > I

called my mom to tell her that I made my first offer on the house I > want to

buy. I wanted to share my excitement with her. She gave me a > sarcastic " good

for you " response. She sounded all sniffly like she > had been crying or

something. And she was all silent. I said " what's > going on? what are you up

to? " and she says " i don't know, you tell > me! " . So pretty much, we got into

it. I know I allowed it to happen. > But I was calm the whole time if that

helps. But it didn't. She told > me how ashamed she was of me because of how i

" treat my mother " . And > the one thing she said that hurt the most was " the

rest of the family > is done with you, they don't want anything to do with you

because of > how you treated me! " . This was so hurtful. So I know she has been >

talking to them and dragging my name through the mud. I asked what > she has

been telling everyone, and she said she was " telling them the > truth! " which,

we all know, her truth isn't the truth. she threw in > my face AGAIN how she

bent over backwards to raise me, and how she > doesn't deserve to be treated

like this, and how i don't respect her. > i told her that we have very different

ideas on what it is to respect > a parent. And i told her how it upsets me when

she throws it in my > face about how she had to " bend over backwards " to raise

me..what am > i supposed to do? Spend the rest of my life paying her back for

it? > She did her job as a parent, and it was a good job. I always told her >

how much i appreciated her and love her and how thankful i was to > have her in

my life. i asked her what i could be doing different to > make her happy (not

with the intention of doing it, i just wanted to > know) and of course there

were no suggestions. All she said was " you > just keep doing what the crazy

doctor and jeremy have been telling > you to do " (the " crazy doctor " is my

therapist, and jeremy is my > fiancee). > > Her car broke down and is not

fixable. She told me on the phone " all > i want is compassion! I don't see how

you can do this to me! " I asked > her what she was talking about and she said

" im all alone here > without a car!! " i told her it wasnt my fault that her car

broke > down, and I've been offering to give her a ride anywhere she needs to >

go. it's not good enough. > she ended up hanging up on me. So here are my big

dilemmas (other > than the hurt I feel from her doing this to me). > > 1) What

am I supposed to do about the Holidays? I want to spend them > with my family,

but i don't know if that is going to happen now. > Should I give her a few days

and try to call her again to talk about > it?> 2)what should i do about the rest

of my family? If they are " done " > with me like NADA says they are, should i

make an attempt to try and > talk to them about this? > > I dont know what to do

next. Thank you all so much for reading, and > for any advice.>

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[Guest guest]

Hi Sara Jo,

I agree with what everyone else has shared, just wanted to share my own

experience too. I just started going through this with nada a few months ago,

and it seems I kind of went through the same thing. Nada never mentioned " all "

the family to me, but she did send me an admonishing email stating, " I want you

to know this between us is affecting your relationship with your brother. I wish

you or your husband would at least call him.. " I cannot tell you how many emails

and myspace messages and text messages I have sent and have NEVER gotten a

response, and this started an entire year before I ever even realized nada was a

BP. I personally think that it's because he's 17, a senior in high school, and

just has much better things to do than talk to his older boring married sister

all the time. I mean, you know how they can be at that age. Or if he does have a

problem with me, it started looooong before my confrontation with nada. So, if

" all " of your family

includes members that could still be very easily enmeshed, remember that. I try

to remember how hard it was for me to see past the enmeshment when I still lived

under their roof, and have some pity on my brother for that.

As for other family members, like others have said, they have to make their own

choices. You can't stop your nada from telling them anything she wants to. I

think it was Kyla who said that if you were to talk to the other family members

about it, it would give the situation dignity that it otherwise doesn't deserve.

From my own experience, that's exactly right. If someone asks questions about

it, I'll just give a vague answer like, " We have our differences, and those need

to remain between us. " She dragged my father into our confrontation when he had

nothing to do with it, and that's what I told him when he started quizzing me.

Of course, that didn't mean he stayed out of it, but I held my own dignity by

refusing to " make " him choose sides. Family members appreciate that. My nada has

created strife between herself and almost every member of the extended family at

one point in time or another, and as this seems to be a characteristic of BPs,

your nada may

have done the same thing. I know that mine told my father's parents about it,

because in the letters my grandparents and I exchange, they don't even mention

my parents anymore. My parents were in a serious car accident about a month ago,

and my grandparents don't even mention it. They don't mention me coming back for

the holidays or anything. But they are very nice, polite letters like we have

always exchanged. So they have made their choice without putting me down to nada

or nada down to me. However, my nada has given them a lot of crap over the

years, so I think they're probably not surprised. She actually threatened to not

let my grandmother " see me " whenever we go visit them if she wouldn't straighten

up and act how she wanted (she was p/o'd about some little thing). I imagine

that was just about the last straw. Now, we have no plans to ever go back and

visit my parents. If we do return to the area, we will stop and see my

grandparents, but until

nada can prove that she can straighten up a bit, I won't see her. So my point

is, the family will decide for themselves. I struggled to accept it at first,

because it seems unfair. But I am a firm believer in the saying, " Actions speak

louder than words. " I think it's true in any and every situation, and the people

that are actually worth having in your life that aren't going to bring you a lot

of unnecessary pain and drama will see how you rise above the situation and

respect you for it.

I'm sorry you're going through this with the holidays literally right around the

corner. I just confronted/stood up to my nada the first part of August, and have

been extremely LC with her since Labor Day weekend. I don't talk on the phone, I

don't respond to emails (she only sends me forwards anyways). I only mail her

letters or cards when I feel that I want to, and I don't feel guilty about it.

It is hard, because last year, we went to visit my parents and brother and

grandparents for Thanksgiving. I have a tendency to think, " Man, I'm going to

miss those good times and happy holidays together. " Ha! Right. The entire time

we were there last year, my nada wouldn't cook, but she wouldn't take us out to

eat. It got to the point that my dad had to go get pizza because there was no

food in the house. Literally nothing, no frozen stuff to heat up, nothing. They

wouldn't take us to do anything, so we sat around their house and talked for 6

straight days. Talk

about hell. When I look back on my memories of the holidays with them, I

realize there aren't many good ones. There was always some sort of drama and

chaos and nada was always mad at someone. I think that, because we KOs have so

many painful memories, we almost, in a way, alter our own memories and remember

them as the " Hallmark " commercials where everyone's happy and loves each other,

and that's simply not the case. And while I hate it because it will just be my

husband and I for both of the holidays this year, it will be nice to make dinner

and use the time to relax and enjoy our time together and be thankful for what

we do have, even if that doesn't include the greatest parents in the world. Do

what makes you happy. Spend it with your fiance and his family, your friends,

yourself, whomever you want, and do whatever you want! It's YOUR holiday, not

hers. Enjoy it!

I know this will be a tough holiday season. I wish you all the peace and

happiness.

big blow up...need help

So....another fabulous day in the land of OZ.

I called my mom to tell her that I made my first offer on the house I

want to buy. I wanted to share my excitement with her. She gave me a

sarcastic " good for you " response. She sounded all sniffly like she

had been crying or something. And she was all silent. I said " what's

going on? what are you up to? " and she says " i don't know, you tell

me! " . So pretty much, we got into it. I know I allowed it to happen.

But I was calm the whole time if that helps. But it didn't. She told

me how ashamed she was of me because of how i " treat my mother " . And

the one thing she said that hurt the most was " the rest of the family

is done with you, they don't want anything to do with you because of

how you treated me! " . This was so hurtful. So I know she has been

talking to them and dragging my name through the mud. I asked what

she has been telling everyone, and she said she was " telling them the

truth! " which, we all know, her truth isn't the truth. she threw in

my face AGAIN how she bent over backwards to raise me, and how she

doesn't deserve to be treated like this, and how i don't respect her.

i told her that we have very different ideas on what it is to respect

a parent. And i told her how it upsets me when she throws it in my

face about how she had to " bend over backwards " to raise me..what am

i supposed to do? Spend the rest of my life paying her back for it?

She did her job as a parent, and it was a good job. I always told her

how much i appreciated her and love her and how thankful i was to

have her in my life. i asked her what i could be doing different to

make her happy (not with the intention of doing it, i just wanted to

know) and of course there were no suggestions. All she said was " you

just keep doing what the crazy doctor and jeremy have been telling

you to do " (the " crazy doctor " is my therapist, and jeremy is my

fiancee).

Her car broke down and is not fixable. She told me on the phone " all

i want is compassion! I don't see how you can do this to me! " I asked

her what she was talking about and she said " im all alone here

without a car!! " i told her it wasnt my fault that her car broke

down, and I've been offering to give her a ride anywhere she needs to

go. it's not good enough.

she ended up hanging up on me. So here are my big dilemmas (other

than the hurt I feel from her doing this to me).

1) What am I supposed to do about the Holidays? I want to spend them

with my family, but i don't know if that is going to happen now.

Should I give her a few days and try to call her again to talk about

it?

2)what should i do about the rest of my family? If they are " done "

with me like NADA says they are, should i make an attempt to try and

talk to them about this?

I dont know what to do next. Thank you all so much for reading, and

for any advice.

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[Guest guest]

> I have learned to never, ever, believe what a BP has told me, unless

> I check it out first.

Ha! I have a great example of that from the past weekend. My mother told me

once (or

maybe more than once, it really stuck with me) that when my dad got his wisdom

teeth

pulled (in his 30s) that he went through a lot of pain. It was the one time,

according to her,

that she felt pity for him because it really seemed agonizing. Let's skip ahead

to last Sunday

when I was talking to my dad and I asked him about this since it looks like I'm

going to have

to get at least one wisdom tooth pulled, if not more. This event did not

happen. Not at all.

He thinks that he got one pulled and doesn't remember any of the details (which

seems

different from my mother's version of my father in writhing pain). Why? WHY???

is