Re: Father issues

October 18, 2007

All u can really do is set your own boundries. I had to come to terms with

the fact that fada married her; he's accepted his 'role' as enabler to her

and in doing so, has hurt me many times over. I've learned that I can't be a

part of their twisted logic. ALL I CAN DO is set my own boundries. I can be

here for them when they need me (they are elderly), but I'm learning to

protect myself.

I honestly don't think nada can hurt me anymore. She's lost her control

over me. I never thought I'd be able to say that because they will go

completely out of their way to hurt you. I'm not joining in the games anymore.

As

far as my fada goes, I love him but he's chosen his life. Now I'm choosing

mine.

LL

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October 18, 2007

Kelley -- I have experienced EXACTLY this. My mother did her usual

Silent Treatment, but, unlike what I usually did (come running), I

drew the line and didn't call. The Silent Treatment dragged on and

on, which probably scared my mother.

So what does she do? Gets my Dad to try and get me to come back to

the fold. (She won't lower herself to contact me) I did not -- told

him I wasn't responsible for her misery, and I was finished putting up

with her emotional blackmail. His reaction was to lose his temper AT

ME. Had a tantrum when I dared to have my own opinion. That is just

plain bullying.

He has always defended her -- my whole life he always stood with her

against me. He is very selfish -- even though it's hard to see for

everyone else. He's the " nicest " , most " easygoing " guy -- but you

should have seen him when I dared venture an opinion about Mom and her

games that didn't go along with the family script.

I just never saw it until I dared to break free of being a victim of

emotional blackmail.

This just happened a year ago. I know this place you're in -- the

uncertainty about what to do if it keeps dragging on. I would urge

you to stay with it. Break the pattern. You know taking up for

yourself, respecting yourself and expecting others to respect you, is

the right thing to do. That's all you need to know. This place that

you're in right now -- while uncomfortable -- is the right place.

I have learned that he really is her ally, not mine. (I keep

remembering things from the past that illustrate this) So, I have no

choice but to make my own judgements about how to interact with my mom

(it has settled into Low Contact). I won't be bullied by him

anymore. And the truth is, I've figured out, we're not that close.

That stung, but at least it's real. It's the truth. I was sick of

hiding behind the lie.

Hang with it. It'll be uncomfortable for awhile. Your view of them

will start to match the reality, and the conflicting feelings will

subside. It's good that you're standing up for yourself. Stand firm.

The book " Understanding the Borderline Mother " also describes the

types of men that marry the different types of Borderlines, and

explains why they do. It was eerie how they described my dad

EXACTLY. Your Dad's probably in there, too!

Hang in there -- Keep taking care of yourself --

{hugs}

Kyla

>

> As many of you know my mother has been giving me the silent

treatment

> now for around 3 weeks. THis is the first time I have actually not

> gone to her begged and pleaded for her company after one of our

> disagreements. It as if I'm not only dead to her but also my father.

> He has not called me or spoken to me or my son in 3 weeks. He is

> narcissistic and has some BPD traits. I was wondering if any one

else

> had experienced this. It's bad enough to be exhiled from your mother

> but your father also. However, he has never been there for me so in

a

> way his behavior is no diffent.

>

> Kelley

>

October 18, 2007

My father is a wimp about this whole situation and I am having to work

through my anger towards him too. When my mother is in one of her bad

phases, he will call me and talk about how she needs professional help

and laugh about how crazy she is. Then, when they get back together

and she acts somewhat normal again, he sides with her and calls and

leaves sad messages about how my mother needs me, etc. etc.

I have had to conclude that he married her and he chooses to still live

with her. He knows what he is dealing with and chooses not to make

changes. I have to let go of my expectations that he will " see the

light " and do something different. Last time things were bad for her,

he even listened to part of SWOE and said someone must have been

looking in his windows for the past 38 years. I told him what the book

suggested and he is doing the exact opposite.

Right now I am dealing with trying to set up boundaries with my mother

and realizing that my father is just as bad as her. It makes the

situation twice as difficult.

le

>

> As many of you know my mother has been giving me the silent treatment

> now for around 3 weeks. THis is the first time I have actually not

> gone to her begged and pleaded for her company after one of our

> disagreements. It as if I'm not only dead to her but also my father.

> He has not called me or spoken to me or my son in 3 weeks. He is

> narcissistic and has some BPD traits. I was wondering if any one else

> had experienced this. It's bad enough to be exhiled from your mother

> but your father also. However, he has never been there for me so in a

> way his behavior is no diffent.

>

> Kelley

>

October 18, 2007

le,

Hi I'm new at this, but I just wanted to say, in the book daughters of

borderilne mothers, it talks about how the Borderline wife usually picks a nice

husband, one that they can control. My dad is in the same boat. I just went

through the same thing you are going through, just as of yesterday and I'm

confused and a bit frustrated. I thought my dad and I were on the same page,

but he like me, is also afraid.

Tgirl

Re: Father issues

My father is a wimp about this whole situation and I am having to

work