Guest guest Posted October 24, 2007 Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 This is what I am currently going through right now. It was been 4 weeks since my mother put my son's life at risk and she has refused to acknowledge what she did or even talk about it. She has tried to talk to me a few times but she just talks on and on about nothing. I have decided not to let my son around her until she addresses what she did even if this means she will never see him again. I believe it is time for her to face some of her issues and I must protect my son no matter what. Kelley To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: writermanque@...: Wed, 24 Oct 2007 11:10:29 +0000Subject: Classic Recently I discovered that my mother has been verbally berating my children's appearance in my absence, telling them they look like orphans and singling out my five year old daughter to tell her she looks " hideous " . When my husband and I confronted her about it, her initial response was " You know me, you grew up with me, I always say stuff like that. " She then progressed to " Well her hair *was* hanging in her eyes, " and " I don't understand why you're making such a big deal of this, " and when she said " I think you need to keep in mind that you might be blowing this out of proportion " we got up and left. My dad, witness to this conversation, initially apologized profusely, stating he never saw Mom say that to the kids (which I believe). However, 24 hours later there was a message on my answering machine from Dad wondering how " two supposed adults " would make a special trip to their house to " demean their mother " . He informed us that Mom had " cried all night, and she's still breaking down at work today " . He then magnanimously offered to " forget this ever happened " and go on about our lives. Of course I didn't respond. A few days passed, and there was another message from Dad, just wanting to see how things are going, how's the weather, yada yada. Finally yesterday there was a message from Mom, wanting to know if my five-year-old was still interested in participating in a fashion show that she was hosting this weekend. No mention, of course, of our conversation the previous week.So, I'm curious as to how you all would proceed. Personally, I don't want to speak to either of them until they're willing to acknowledge that taking jabs at my kids' personal appearances is inappropriate. As far as I'm concerned I made my point, and my Dad undid his initial apology. Thoughts? _________________________________________________________________ Windows Live Hotmail and Microsoft Office Outlook – together at last. Get it now. http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/outlook/HA102225181033.aspx?pid=CL100626971033 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 24, 2007 Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 My thoughts are to get your sweet, beautiful children away from that monster of a woman. She and her dishrag husband are not remorseful at all, in fact they blame you and your husband for their behavior. She *will* do it again, and your children will be affected. And even if she does acknowledge her behavior, which she actually did ( " You know me... I always say stuff like that " ), she won't change it. If you want your children to visit them, make sure the visits are brief and that you are always there to supervise. She can't be trusted to act like a decent human being to your kids. qwerty > > Recently I discovered that my mother has been verbally berating my > children's appearance in my absence, telling them they look like > orphans and singling out my five year old daughter to tell her she > looks " hideous " . When my husband and I confronted her about it, her > initial response was " You know me, you grew up with me, I always say > stuff like that. " She then progressed to " Well her hair *was* > hanging in her eyes, " and " I don't understand why you're making such > a big deal of this, " and when she said " I think you need to keep in > mind that you might be blowing this out of proportion " we got up and > left. My dad, witness to this conversation, initially apologized > profusely, stating he never saw Mom say that to the kids (which I > believe). However, 24 hours later there was a message on my > answering machine from Dad wondering how " two supposed adults " would > make a special trip to their house to " demean their mother " . He > informed us that Mom had " cried all night, and she's still breaking > down at work today " . He then magnanimously offered to " forget this > ever happened " and go on about our lives. Of course I didn't > respond. A few days passed, and there was another message from Dad, > just wanting to see how things are going, how's the weather, yada > yada. Finally yesterday there was a message from Mom, wanting to > know if my five-year-old was still interested in participating in a > fashion show that she was hosting this weekend. No mention, of > course, of our conversation the previous week. > > So, I'm curious as to how you all would proceed. Personally, I don't > want to speak to either of them until they're willing to acknowledge > that taking jabs at my kids' personal appearances is inappropriate. > As far as I'm concerned I made my point, and my Dad undid his initial > apology. Thoughts? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 24, 2007 Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 You've taken a courageous step. Good for you! But be prepared for your mother to never face her issues, or if she does, deny them again right after. qwerty > > > This is what I am currently going through right now. It was been 4 weeks since my mother put my son's life at risk and she has refused to acknowledge what she did or even talk about it. She has tried to talk to me a few times but she just talks on and on about nothing. I have decided not to let my son around her until she addresses what she did even if this means she will never see him again. I believe it is time for her to face some of her issues and I must protect my son no matter what. > > Kelley > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 24, 2007 Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 I think you have assessed this situation DEAD RIGHT. You sound strong and you have identified their invalidating behaviors exactly as they are. My opinion? Once I found out that ANYONE demeans my kids in my absence, it is then up to me to protect my child. Period. Your parents don't want to own up to what they've done, in fact, they've basically stated that they have no problem with how they talk to the kids. That means they'll do it again. DEALBREAKER. ( " you know I always talk like that " .... " You know me " ....etc..etc. are similar to what my dishrag dad said when I finally said " ENOUGH! " to my mother's behavior. He said " Well, that's just how she is and I've accepted that. " Translation: " See how mature I sound? See what you should be doing when dealing with your mother? Accepting her crap because that's just how she is? " ) I would not let anyone degrade and demean my kids that way. You could also mitigate some of the damage by telling the kids (in a manner appropriate for their age) that " grandma " has a problem with saying rude things -- or words to that effect. Something that lets them know the problem is with Grandma, and her words can be discounted because of a problem with HER. Your parents have chosen to close ranks and dismiss your accurate depiction of bad behavior. You can't reason with that mindset. You gave them a chance when you showed the maturity to sit down with them and bring it up. Good on you! If they won't take responsibility (and they hardly ever do -- my parents didn't. They attacked my character just like yours did you.), then you are FORCED to protect your children from injuring, demeaning verbal assaults. You showed emotional maturity both in your assessment of the situation, your handling it head-on with them, and your assessment of their shirking responsibility for it. I applaud you. -Kyla > > Recently I discovered that my mother has been verbally berating my > children's appearance in my absence, telling them they look like > orphans and singling out my five year old daughter to tell her she > looks " hideous " . When my husband and I confronted her about it, her > initial response was " You know me, you grew up with me, I always say > stuff like that. " She then progressed to " Well her hair *was* > hanging in her eyes, " and " I don't understand why you're making such > a big deal of this, " and when she said " I think you need to keep in > mind that you might be blowing this out of proportion " we got up and > left. My dad, witness to this conversation, initially apologized > profusely, stating he never saw Mom say that to the kids (which I > believe). However, 24 hours later there was a message on my > answering machine from Dad wondering how " two supposed adults " would > make a special trip to their house to " demean their mother " . He > informed us that Mom had " cried all night, and she's still breaking > down at work today " . He then magnanimously offered to " forget this > ever happened " and go on about our lives. Of course I didn't > respond. A few days passed, and there was another message from Dad, > just wanting to see how things are going, how's the weather, yada > yada. Finally yesterday there was a message from Mom, wanting to > know if my five-year-old was still interested in participating in a > fashion show that she was hosting this weekend. No mention, of > course, of our conversation the previous week. > > So, I'm curious as to how you all would proceed. Personally, I don't > want to speak to either of them until they're willing to acknowledge > that taking jabs at my kids' personal appearances is inappropriate. > As far as I'm concerned I made my point, and my Dad undid his initial > apology. Thoughts? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 24, 2007 Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 " If you want your children to visit them, make sure the visits are > brief and that you are always there to supervise. She can't be trusted to act like a decent human being to your kids. " Excellent points, qwerty -- and it made me think: I wouldn't be surprised if, during one of those supervised visits, grandma takes a passive-aggressive " joking " shot at the child about her appearance in front of the mother. Wouldn't it be funny if the mother turned the tables on her mother and said loudly to her child " Remember how grandma can't help but say rude things. " I remember a mom who rudely told my son to " quit touching " the cinnamon rolls at a beach getaway. They had just come out of the oven, and he was excited and pointed to the one he wanted, accidently touching it. The mother " over corrected " him in front of everybody else while I was standing there! Gave him a big, punishing lecture about germs. (Pleaze, lady. Get over yourself) He was shamed and kept saying " I'm sorry -- I'm so sorry. " So I said very loudly " Hey, it's not a big deal at all -- don't torture yourself over it. " The mother heard me loud and clear. She shut her trap after that. Bullies only understand one thing: standing up to them. I'm sick of people thinking my kids are fair game. Screw that -- I'm fighting back. -Kyla > > > > Recently I discovered that my mother has been verbally berating my > > children's appearance in my absence, telling them they look like > > orphans and singling out my five year old daughter to tell her she > > looks " hideous " . When my husband and I confronted her about it, her > > initial response was " You know me, you grew up with me, I always say > > stuff like that. " She then progressed to " Well her hair *was* > > hanging in her eyes, " and " I don't understand why you're making such > > a big deal of this, " and when she said " I think you need to keep in > > mind that you might be blowing this out of proportion " we got up and > > left. My dad, witness to this conversation, initially apologized > > profusely, stating he never saw Mom say that to the kids (which I > > believe). However, 24 hours later there was a message on my > > answering machine from Dad wondering how " two supposed adults " would > > make a special trip to their house to " demean their mother " . He > > informed us that Mom had " cried all night, and she's still breaking > > down at work today " . He then magnanimously offered to " forget this > > ever happened " and go on about our lives. Of course I didn't > > respond. A few days passed, and there was another message from Dad, > > just wanting to see how things are going, how's the weather, yada > > yada. Finally yesterday there was a message from Mom, wanting to > > know if my five-year-old was still interested in participating in a > > fashion show that she was hosting this weekend. No mention, of > > course, of our conversation the previous week. > > > > So, I'm curious as to how you all would proceed. Personally, I don't > > want to speak to either of them until they're willing to acknowledge > > that taking jabs at my kids' personal appearances is inappropriate. > > As far as I'm concerned I made my point, and my Dad undid his initial > > apology. Thoughts? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 24, 2007 Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 Ironically, I worry that my mom will do exactly that: take cheap shots in a " joking " way during a supervised visit. I mean, the only thing worse than being insulted is being insulted, in public, as if it's a joke (I'm sure you all can relate), and I'd hate to put my daughter through that. Moreover, my mother has a serious vindictive streak, and when she feels she's been wronged she attacks everyone, regardless of age. I could see her making nasty remarks to my kids for telling me about her behavior in the first place. > > > > > > Recently I discovered that my mother has been verbally berating > my > > > children's appearance in my absence, telling them they look like > > > orphans and singling out my five year old daughter to tell her > she > > > looks " hideous " . When my husband and I confronted her about it, > her > > > initial response was " You know me, you grew up with me, I always > say > > > stuff like that. " She then progressed to " Well her hair *was* > > > hanging in her eyes, " and " I don't understand why you're making > such > > > a big deal of this, " and when she said " I think you need to keep > in > > > mind that you might be blowing this out of proportion " we got up > and > > > left. My dad, witness to this conversation, initially > apologized > > > profusely, stating he never saw Mom say that to the kids (which > I > > > believe). However, 24 hours later there was a message on my > > > answering machine from Dad wondering how " two supposed adults " > would > > > make a special trip to their house to " demean their mother " . He > > > informed us that Mom had " cried all night, and she's still > breaking > > > down at work today " . He then magnanimously offered to " forget > this > > > ever happened " and go on about our lives. Of course I didn't > > > respond. A few days passed, and there was another message from > Dad, > > > just wanting to see how things are going, how's the weather, > yada > > > yada. Finally yesterday there was a message from Mom, wanting > to > > > know if my five-year-old was still interested in participating > in a > > > fashion show that she was hosting this weekend. No mention, of > > > course, of our conversation the previous week. > > > > > > So, I'm curious as to how you all would proceed. Personally, I > don't > > > want to speak to either of them until they're willing to > acknowledge > > > that taking jabs at my kids' personal appearances is > inappropriate. > > > As far as I'm concerned I made my point, and my Dad undid his > initial > > > apology. Thoughts? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 24, 2007 Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 Ironically, I worry that my mom will do exactly that: take cheap shots in a " joking " way during a supervised visit. I mean, the only thing worse than being insulted is being insulted, in public, as if it's a joke (I'm sure you all can relate), and I'd hate to put my daughter through that. Moreover, my mother has a serious vindictive streak, and when she feels she's been wronged she attacks everyone, regardless of age. I could see her making nasty remarks to my kids for telling me about her behavior in the first place. > > > > > > Recently I discovered that my mother has been verbally berating > my > > > children's appearance in my absence, telling them they look like > > > orphans and singling out my five year old daughter to tell her > she > > > looks " hideous " . When my husband and I confronted her about it, > her > > > initial response was " You know me, you grew up with me, I always > say > > > stuff like that. " She then progressed to " Well her hair *was* > > > hanging in her eyes, " and " I don't understand why you're making > such > > > a big deal of this, " and when she said " I think you need to keep > in > > > mind that you might be blowing this out of proportion " we got up > and > > > left. My dad, witness to this conversation, initially > apologized > > > profusely, stating he never saw Mom say that to the kids (which > I > > > believe). However, 24 hours later there was a message on my > > > answering machine from Dad wondering how " two supposed adults " > would > > > make a special trip to their house to " demean their mother " . He > > > informed us that Mom had " cried all night, and she's still > breaking > > > down at work today " . He then magnanimously offered to " forget > this > > > ever happened " and go on about our lives. Of course I didn't > > > respond. A few days passed, and there was another message from > Dad, > > > just wanting to see how things are going, how's the weather, > yada > > > yada. Finally yesterday there was a message from Mom, wanting > to > > > know if my five-year-old was still interested in participating > in a > > > fashion show that she was hosting this weekend. No mention, of > > > course, of our conversation the previous week. > > > > > > So, I'm curious as to how you all would proceed. Personally, I > don't > > > want to speak to either of them until they're willing to > acknowledge > > > that taking jabs at my kids' personal appearances is > inappropriate. > > > As far as I'm concerned I made my point, and my Dad undid his > initial > > > apology. Thoughts? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 24, 2007 Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 I say used Kyla's great response when that happens... > > > > > > > > Recently I discovered that my mother has been verbally > berating > > my > > > > children's appearance in my absence, telling them they look > like > > > > orphans and singling out my five year old daughter to tell her > > she > > > > looks " hideous " . When my husband and I confronted her about > it, > > her > > > > initial response was " You know me, you grew up with me, I > always > > say > > > > stuff like that. " She then progressed to " Well her hair *was* > > > > hanging in her eyes, " and " I don't understand why you're > making > > such > > > > a big deal of this, " and when she said " I think you need to > keep > > in > > > > mind that you might be blowing this out of proportion " we got > up > > and > > > > left. My dad, witness to this conversation, initially > > apologized > > > > profusely, stating he never saw Mom say that to the kids > (which > > I > > > > believe). However, 24 hours later there was a message on my > > > > answering machine from Dad wondering how " two supposed adults " > > would > > > > make a special trip to their house to " demean their mother " . > He > > > > informed us that Mom had " cried all night, and she's still > > breaking > > > > down at work today " . He then magnanimously offered to " forget > > this > > > > ever happened " and go on about our lives. Of course I didn't > > > > respond. A few days passed, and there was another message > from > > Dad, > > > > just wanting to see how things are going, how's the weather, > > yada > > > > yada. Finally yesterday there was a message from Mom, wanting > > to > > > > know if my five-year-old was still interested in participating > > in a > > > > fashion show that she was hosting this weekend. No mention, > of > > > > course, of our conversation the previous week. > > > > > > > > So, I'm curious as to how you all would proceed. Personally, > I > > don't > > > > want to speak to either of them until they're willing to > > acknowledge > > > > that taking jabs at my kids' personal appearances is > > inappropriate. > > > > As far as I'm concerned I made my point, and my Dad undid his > > initial > > > > apology. Thoughts? > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 24, 2007 Report Share Posted October 24, 2007 No need to " worry " -- just keep watch over the situation. Next time, if she is passive aggressive and says crappy things -- you don't have to spend much time with her anymore. If the relationship is just a bunch of strife and passive aggressive barbs and jabs -- why subject yourself to that? You don't have to offer yourself up as a sacrifice so she can indulge her need to be rude. Take a stand for tranquility in your life. Just watch and take action as needed. No need to further torture yourself and fret about it -- handle it as it comes. You can do it. {hugs} Kyla > > > > > > > > Recently I discovered that my mother has been verbally > berating > > my > > > > children's appearance in my absence, telling them they look > like > > > > orphans and singling out my five year old daughter to tell her > > she > > > > looks " hideous " . When my husband and I confronted her about > it, > > her > > > > initial response was " You know me, you grew up with me, I > always > > say > > > > stuff like that. " She then progressed to " Well her hair *was* > > > > hanging in her eyes, " and " I don't understand why you're > making > > such > > > > a big deal of this, " and when she said " I think you need to > keep > > in > > > > mind that you might be blowing this out of proportion " we got > up > > and > > > > left. My dad, witness to this conversation, initially > > apologized > > > > profusely, stating he never saw Mom say that to the kids > (which > > I > > > > believe). However, 24 hours later there was a message on my > > > > answering machine from Dad wondering how " two supposed adults " > > would > > > > make a special trip to their house to " demean their mother " . > He > > > > informed us that Mom had " cried all night, and she's still > > breaking > > > > down at work today " . He then magnanimously offered to " forget > > this > > > > ever happened " and go on about our lives. Of course I didn't > > > > respond. A few days passed, and there was another message > from > > Dad, > > > > just wanting to see how things are going, how's the weather, > > yada > > > > yada. Finally yesterday there was a message from Mom, wanting > > to > > > > know if my five-year-old was still interested in participating > > in a > > > > fashion show that she was hosting this weekend. No mention, > of > > > > course, of our conversation the previous week. > > > > > > > > So, I'm curious as to how you all would proceed. Personally, > I > > don't > > > > want to speak to either of them until they're willing to > > acknowledge > > > > that taking jabs at my kids' personal appearances is > > inappropriate. > > > > As far as I'm concerned I made my point, and my Dad undid his > > initial > > > > apology. Thoughts? > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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