26 Minute Telephone Conversation

[Guest guest]

Nada called today to talk about the fires in California. The

conversation only lasted 26 minutes (which is nothing for this nada),

but I had just talked to her yesterday.

I'm trying a new tactic of not speaking unless asked a question. My

thought process is that if she doesn't have any real information about

my life she can't use it against me. She droned on for ages then asked

me what I was doing. Before I could answer she got confused about what

time it was here (I live overseas), got caught up over what time she

had called me then droned on some more. It wasn't too bad as I surfed

the internet and e-mailed a friend while she jabbered.

To all of us KOs, this description of a nada conversation should not be

surprising (except maybe she didn't insult me which is remarkable).

She doesn't rage at me anymore because years ago I adopted a policy of

hanging up on her the second I hear the change in her voice (works like

a charm, I highly recommend this tactic).

What is strange is that there are huge things going on in my life - I'm

trying to get pregnant for the first time, thinking about going back to

school, recently quit my job and am contemplating what to do with the

rest of my life, am relatively newly married and have moved to a new

country.

Why would a " mother " be interested in any of that?!

I try to keep my chin up, but sometimes it's really demoralizing to go

through times like this and not have a mother to turn to (even though

I'm middle aged). Or being reminded that the mother I've been dealt

only seizes upon these opportunities to find new ways to insult and

invalidate me.

Thanks for listening to me vent. Anybody else have these

feelings/experiences?

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry you had to experience that. I am 37 weeks pregnant and have just

gone through the " silent treatment " from my mother because she completely

ignored my request to not let my 2 year old play outside because he has asthma

and put his life in danger. Ever since this incident over 4 weeks ago she has

not addressed the situation whatsoever. Yesterday she called while I was on the

way to the doctor (to see if I was in labor). I ignored her phone call. Later

when I got home I checked her message and she said, " Hi Kelley, haven't spoken

to you in a while. Call me when you get a chance. " So finally after things

settled down I called her. In the back of my mind I was hoping she would finally

address the fact that she put my son's life in danger but oh was I wrong. She

asked me about my doctor's visit then told me to call my old doctor to get him

to do my c-section tomorrow (this type of thinking is completely insane). She

went on and on projecting all her fears and anxiety onto me about if the baby is

big enough etc. She never once asked about my 2 year old, whom she was obsessed

with until she put his life in danger. She tried to start flooding me with her

words by saying, " You are never going to guess what happened to us yesterday.

I..... " Then I interupted her and said, " My back is really hurting and I just

got back from the doctor. I need to get off the phone and talk to you later. "

She said, " Okay. I love you. " I thought oh no here we go again and I muttered an

" I love you too. " I also thought it would be nice to have a real mom who was

understanding, thoughtful, interested, and could for 10 minutes focus on someone

or something other than herself. Although she was " nice " during this

conversation I still was left feeling very empty.

Kelley

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: maternallydetached@...:

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 08:10:52 +0000Subject: 26 Minute Telephone

Conversation

Nada called today to talk about the fires in California. The conversation only

lasted 26 minutes (which is nothing for this nada), but I had just talked to her

yesterday.I'm trying a new tactic of not speaking unless asked a question. My

thought process is that if she doesn't have any real information about my life

she can't use it against me. She droned on for ages then asked me what I was

doing. Before I could answer she got confused about what time it was here (I

live overseas), got caught up over what time she had called me then droned on

some more. It wasn't too bad as I surfed the internet and e-mailed a friend

while she jabbered.To all of us KOs, this description of a nada conversation

should not be surprising (except maybe she didn't insult me which is

remarkable). She doesn't rage at me anymore because years ago I adopted a policy

of hanging up on her the second I hear the change in her voice (works like a

charm, I highly recommend this tactic).What is strange is that there are huge

things going on in my life - I'm trying to get pregnant for the first time,

thinking about going back to school, recently quit my job and am contemplating

what to do with the rest of my life, am relatively newly married and have moved

to a new country. Why would a " mother " be interested in any of that?!I try to

keep my chin up, but sometimes it's really demoralizing to go through times like

this and not have a mother to turn to (even though I'm middle aged). Or being

reminded that the mother I've been dealt only seizes upon these opportunities to

find new ways to insult and invalidate me. Thanks for listening to me vent.

Anybody else have these feelings/experiences?

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[Guest guest]

Wow, this is trippy. You just described every phone conversation I

have with my mother. I too have the same tactic of giving her as

little substantive information as possible, to avoid having her use it

against me or hear it twisted in a way that suits her needs but is

factually incorrect. She drones on and on about nothing. I've

recently come to the realization (courtesy of one of her rages when I

told her not to call my children names) that I need to have a much more

distant relationship with her, and am going through something of a

grieving process. I wish I had a real mother, and I wish my kids had

real grandparents (my in-laws have their own set of issues), but the

fact of the matter is that she is emotionally unstable and has the

potential to inflict great psychological harm. I have to keep

reminding myself that, especially when she puts on her June Cleaver

game face.

[Guest guest]

Isn't it sad to think what they are missing. You both sound like nice

people and good mothers. Too bad the nadas couldn't focus on something

other than themselves and be a part of yur lives in a meaningful way.

Imagine enjoying a conversation that was filed with love, warmth, and

positive energy rather than treating it as something you have to brace

for.

[Guest guest]

Yeah! It's kind of sad in a way.

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: maternallydetached@...:

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 20:07:47 +0000Subject: Re: 26 Minute

Telephone Conversation

Isn't it sad to think what they are missing. You both sound like nice people and

good mothers. Too bad the nadas couldn't focus on something other than

themselves and be a part of yur lives in a meaningful way.Imagine enjoying a

conversation that was filed with love, warmth, and positive energy rather than

treating it as something you have to brace for.

_________________________________________________________________

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[Guest guest]

Yes, maternally detached, I have often wondered how nice it would be to have a

real mother to turn to. I find comfort in knowing how much stronger it makes me

to navigate this crazy world on my own. I also hope that accepting the loss of

a real mother allows me to help other people who need love and compassion.

Coincidently I chose health care as my profession. I like to think that growing

up with nadas make us special in many ways, good and bad.

maternallydetached wrote: Nada called

today to talk about the fires in California. The

conversation only lasted 26 minutes (which is nothing for this nada),

but I had just talked to her yesterday.

I'm trying a new tactic of not speaking unless asked a question. My

thought process is that if she doesn't have any real information about

my life she can't use it against me. She droned on for ages then asked

me what I was doing. Before I could answer she got confused about what

time it was here (I live overseas), got caught up over what time she

had called me then droned on some more. It wasn't too bad as I surfed

the internet and e-mailed a friend while she jabbered.

To all of us KOs, this description of a nada conversation should not be

surprising (except maybe she didn't insult me which is remarkable).

She doesn't rage at me anymore because years ago I adopted a policy of

hanging up on her the second I hear the change in her voice (works like

a charm, I highly recommend this tactic).

What is strange is that there are huge things going on in my life - I'm

trying to get pregnant for the first time, thinking about going back to

school, recently quit my job and am contemplating what to do with the

rest of my life, am relatively newly married and have moved to a new

country.

Why would a " mother " be interested in any of that?!

I try to keep my chin up, but sometimes it's really demoralizing to go

through times like this and not have a mother to turn to (even though

I'm middle aged). Or being reminded that the mother I've been dealt

only seizes upon these opportunities to find new ways to insult and

invalidate me.

Thanks for listening to me vent. Anybody else have these

feelings/experiences?

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Hi Maternallydetached

So sorry to hear about your phone call. I do know exactly what you are going

through. I moved to a new state about 18 months ago and have found it very

difficult being away from everyone and everything I know - even more difficult

knowing I can't call my mother for comfort, advice or just to vent because it

will just be used to put me down for moving away in the first place. Now that

we have decided to move back to our home state she is in heaven - I have failed

and she can rub my nose in it at every opportunity. I know I haven't failed,

but she believes I have and she loves it.

Congratulations to you for all the wonderful things you are about to embark

on! Trying for your first baby, going back to school, those are all huge things

and its awful that she doesn't ask you about these things and revel in your

excitement. I decided to go to Uni in my late 20s after dropping out of school

at 16. When I stupidly told mother about my decision she told me - and I quote:

" You don't have a snowballs' chance in hell of getting into Uni coz you just

aren't smart enough and if you do, you'll never finish coz you never finish

anything! " Well, in one year, I finished high school, got a Diploma in Business

Studies, completed a Uni bridging course and got a place in my first option at

University, with a scholarship! When I was awarded the scholarship, she came to

the award ceremony because the local paper was going to be there and she gushed

to them about how proud of me she was and how she had always supported me in my

dreams!! What a load of garbage!!

I'm in my 30s now, I have two babies, I haven't finished Uni because I had my

kids instead (and yes, I did cop an 'I told you so' over that one) and even

though I've been a parent to my parent my whole life, even though she has never,

ever been there to support me and love me like I wanted her too, I still wish

for 'mummy cuddles' every now and then. I find myself drawn to older, kindly

women to be like surrogate mums to me so I can get just a little of what I

missed out on.

So yes, I totally know what youa re going through. I am right now throwing my

arms around you and giving you a HUGE hug! You are brave and strong and are

having a great adventure in a new country, a new marriage, maybe a new baby,

school, job - you go girl!

Bec

maternallydetached wrote:

Nada called today to talk about the fires in California. The

conversation only lasted 26 minutes (which is nothing for this nada),

but I had just talked to her yesterday.

I'm trying a new tactic of not speaking unless asked a question. My

thought process is that if she doesn't have any real information about

my life she can't use it against me. She droned on for ages then asked

me what I was doing. Before I could answer she got confused about what

time it was here (I live overseas), got caught up over what time she

had called me then droned on some more. It wasn't too bad as I surfed

the internet and e-mailed a friend while she jabbered.

To all of us KOs, this description of a nada conversation should not be

surprising (except maybe she didn't insult me which is remarkable).

She doesn't rage at me anymore because years ago I adopted a policy of

hanging up on her the second I hear the change in her voice (works like

a charm, I highly recommend this tactic).

What is strange is that there are huge things going on in my life - I'm

trying to get pregnant for the first time, thinking about going back to

school, recently quit my job and am contemplating what to do with the

rest of my life, am relatively newly married and have moved to a new

country.

Why would a " mother " be interested in any of that?!

I try to keep my chin up, but sometimes it's really demoralizing to go

through times like this and not have a mother to turn to (even though

I'm middle aged). Or being reminded that the mother I've been dealt

only seizes upon these opportunities to find new ways to insult and

invalidate me.

Thanks for listening to me vent. Anybody else have these

feelings/experiences?

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

My therapist urged me to have a sort of " mother/daughter "

relationship with someone else in my life. To look around my own

circle and be watchful for someone who is somewhat motherly toward

me. That person is my mother in law.

As a nurse (which is understandable, given your history!), you might

have mother figures moving through your life along the way. Or

someone else who's in your life already -- or soon to be.

-Kyla

Nada

called today to talk about the fires in California. The

> conversation only lasted 26 minutes (which is nothing for this

nada),

> but I had just talked to her yesterday.

>

> I'm trying a new tactic of not speaking unless asked a question.

My

> thought process is that if she doesn't have any real information

about

> my life she can't use it against me. She droned on for ages then

asked

> me what I was doing. Before I could answer she got confused about

what

> time it was here (I live overseas), got caught up over what time

she

> had called me then droned on some more. It wasn't too bad as I

surfed

> the internet and e-mailed a friend while she jabbered.

>

> To all of us KOs, this description of a nada conversation should

not be

> surprising (except maybe she didn't insult me which is

remarkable).

> She doesn't rage at me anymore because years ago I adopted a

policy of

> hanging up on her the second I hear the change in her voice (works

like

> a charm, I highly recommend this tactic).

>

> What is strange is that there are huge things going on in my life -

I'm

> trying to get pregnant for the first time, thinking about going

back to

> school, recently quit my job and am contemplating what to do with

the

> rest of my life, am relatively newly married and have moved to a

new

> country.

>

> Why would a " mother " be interested in any of that?!

>

> I try to keep my chin up, but sometimes it's really demoralizing

to go

> through times like this and not have a mother to turn to (even

though

> I'm middle aged). Or being reminded that the mother I've been

dealt

> only seizes upon these opportunities to find new ways to insult

and

> invalidate me.

>

> Thanks for listening to me vent. Anybody else have these

> feelings/experiences?

>

>

>

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Or you can designate yourself as your own surrogate mother. Tell

yourself all the things you'd want to hear from a mother figure.

qwerty

>

> My therapist urged me to have a sort of " mother/daughter "

> relationship with someone else in my life. To look around my own

> circle and be watchful for someone who is somewhat motherly toward

> me. That person is my mother in law.

>

> As a nurse (which is understandable, given your history!), you might

> have mother figures moving through your life along the way. Or

> someone else who's in your life already -- or soon to be.

>

> -Kyla

[Guest guest]

This is interesting to me, because my nada's telephone conversations

are so different. My nada is a waif/hermit/witch combination

from 'Understanding the Borderline Mother. It is the hermit and

waif that probably makes her conversations different.

She never calls unless she needs to ask something - Are you coming

to Thanksgiving Dinner (usually asked on a Tuesday/Wednesday, and

the dinner is Thursday! Or - would you like to go to lunch with us

today/tomorrow. (Usually calling at 10 AM). See the pattern - last

minute calls. She has probably had the idea in her head for weeks,

but it is only at the last minute that she must realize she hasn't

talked to anyone about it! When I was in contact, I would make sure

I would get invitations out in time, and my sister and I took turns

with the holidays. Nada always had Christmas Eve dinner, however -

we were traumatized enough over that to not even consider having it

instead of her.

Conversations would go like this:

Nada: Are you coming to (holiday) dinner tomorrow?

Me: Yes, what time should we be there?

Nada: Oh - whenever you want.

Me: What time will you be serving dinner?

Nada: Whenver people get here.

Nada: Okay, see you tomorrow.

(and it could go on and on.) Usually, my sister and I would talk

and plan it out and then tell nada. She could not commit to

anything. BUT - if you were late, you were in trouble. The

typical, your in trouble, but I'm not going to tell you why set up.

I have so enjoyed my holiday dinners since I went NC. I recently

began LC, but I have already told nada that I will not join them for

holidays.

Back to the phone conversations - whenever nada called, it was to

ask a question, and as soon as she got the answer she was ready to

hang up. She has no concept of how to carry on a conversation.

Sylvia

>

> Nada called today to talk about the fires in California. The

> conversation only lasted 26 minutes (which is nothing for this

nada),

> but I had just talked to her yesterday.

>

> I'm trying a new tactic of not speaking unless asked a question.

My

> thought process is that if she doesn't have any real information

about

> my life she can't use it against me. She droned on for ages then

asked

> me what I was doing. Before I could answer she got confused about

what

> time it was here (I live overseas), got caught up over what time

she

> had called me then droned on some more. It wasn't too bad as I

surfed

> the internet and e-mailed a friend while she jabbered.

>

> To all of us KOs, this description of a nada conversation should

not be

> surprising (except maybe she didn't insult me which is

remarkable).

> She doesn't rage at me anymore because years ago I adopted a

policy of

> hanging up on her the second I hear the change in her voice (works

like

> a charm, I highly recommend this tactic).

>

> What is strange is that there are huge things going on in my life -

I'm

> trying to get pregnant for the first time, thinking about going

back to

> school, recently quit my job and am contemplating what to do with

the

> rest of my life, am relatively newly married and have moved to a

new

> country.

>

> Why would a " mother " be interested in any of that?!

>

> I try to keep my chin up, but sometimes it's really demoralizing

to go

> through times like this and not have a mother to turn to (even

though

> I'm middle aged). Or being reminded that the mother I've been

dealt

> only seizes upon these opportunities to find new ways to insult

and

> invalidate me.

>

> Thanks for listening to me vent. Anybody else have these

> feelings/experiences?

>

[Guest guest]

With my hermit/witch nada, it is a 45 minute interrogation, with

interspersed commands that I watch certain TV shows and movies,

followed by a list of housework she has accomplished that day.

This is all followed by, " do you want to talk to your father? " and if

I still have the strength to be on the phone, she runs to the other

room to listen in on the line.