Re: When will bros get it?

[Guest guest]

It sounds like they see the forest, but they just don't want to call

it by name. It's practically just semantics. Be glad you all see eye

to eye on it! Lucky you!

>

> Just had my 912 millionth conversation with one of my brothers about

> nada. (It was actually kind of funny, he got so frustrated with her

> that he told her to f*#k off! He felt bad for doing it, but I'm

> certainly not going to blame him - that woman would try a saint).

>

> I've mentioned BP to all three of my bros several times. I've

> said, " we aren't alone, there is a name for it, there is a whole

> universe of people with the same experiences we had. You should read

> Understanding the Borderline Mother. You should consider how her

> illness has affected you, blah, blah, blah. "

>

> They never do any of it. Instead we waste several more hours of our

> lives talking about how annoying/crazy/weird she is. It always

> includes some form of " why doesn't she (act like a normal, healthy

> person). " Since she has never acted normal, compassionate, loving or

> caring, it's stupid of us to expect, at age 76, she'll suddenly

> change.

>

> The number of hours we have spent as a family talking about her is

> staggering - it's probably a life time in dog years! I feel a lot

> better since I've reached some understanding of her illness (mostly

> through this board - thanks guys). I want them to " get it " as well.

>

> Not sure why they won't acknowledge the problem or try to put a

> name to it. Maybe they are just lazy (the most likely reason) or are

> avoiding the " mental illness " label. However, based on the way she

> acts, there is no avoiding that conclusion.

>

> My youngest brother likes to say she's not crazy, she's

> just " unique. " A funny assessment but what a crock.

>

> Despite the fact that I cap on my brothers frequently, I love them

> very much and hope that they finally see the forest for the trees and

> start healing or coping or whatever we're supposed to do.

>

> Thanks for listening to my rant. Any other similar experiences out

> there?

>

[Guest guest]

my sister does the same thing. I keep thinking when and if she is ready to face

the truth which took me 30 plus years then I'll be here waiting.

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: vegdeanna@...: Thu, 25 Oct

2007 05:37:04 +0000Subject: Re: When will bros get it?

It sounds like they see the forest, but they just don't want to callit by name.

It's practically just semantics. Be glad you all see eyeto eye on it! Lucky

you!>> Just had my 912 millionth

conversation with one of my brothers about > nada. (It was actually kind of

funny, he got so frustrated with her > that he told her to f*#k off! He felt bad

for doing it, but I'm > certainly not going to blame him - that woman would try

a saint).> > I've mentioned BP to all three of my bros several times. I've >

said, " we aren't alone, there is a name for it, there is a whole > universe of

people with the same experiences we had. You should read > Understanding the

Borderline Mother. You should consider how her > illness has affected you, blah,

blah, blah. " > > They never do any of it. Instead we waste several more hours of

our > lives talking about how annoying/crazy/weird she is. It always > includes

some form of " why doesn't she (act like a normal, healthy > person). " Since she

has never acted normal, compassionate, loving or > caring, it's stupid of us to

expect, at age 76, she'll suddenly > change. > > The number of hours we have

spent as a family talking about her is > staggering - it's probably a life time

in dog years! I feel a lot > better since I've reached some understanding of her

illness (mostly > through this board - thanks guys). I want them to " get it " as

well.> > Not sure why they won't acknowledge the problem or try to put a > name

to it. Maybe they are just lazy (the most likely reason) or are > avoiding the

" mental illness " label. However, based on the way she > acts, there is no

avoiding that conclusion. > > My youngest brother likes to say she's not crazy,

she's > just " unique. " A funny assessment but what a crock. > > Despite the fact

that I cap on my brothers frequently, I love them > very much and hope that they

finally see the forest for the trees and > start healing or coping or whatever

we're supposed to do.> > Thanks for listening to my rant. Any other similar

experiences out > there?>

_________________________________________________________________

Help yourself to FREE treats served up daily at the Messenger Café. Stop by

today.

http://www.cafemessenger.com/info/info_sweetstuff2.html?ocid=TXT_TAGLM_OctWLtagl\

ine

[Guest guest]

I have the same problem with my 2 brother's and my father. They all

love to complain about NADA but when I recommend looking up BPD on

the web nobody listens. I have even bought " Walking on Eggshells " for

my father and I don't think he's read maybe 10 pages. What else can

you do?---Carlie

>

> Just had my 912 millionth conversation with one of my brothers

about

> nada. (It was actually kind of funny, he got so frustrated with

her

> that he told her to f*#k off! He felt bad for doing it, but I'm

> certainly not going to blame him - that woman would try a saint).

>

> I've mentioned BP to all three of my bros several times. I've

> said, " we aren't alone, there is a name for it, there is a whole

> universe of people with the same experiences we had. You should

read

> Understanding the Borderline Mother. You should consider how her

> illness has affected you, blah, blah, blah. "

>

> They never do any of it. Instead we waste several more hours of

our

> lives talking about how annoying/crazy/weird she is. It always

> includes some form of " why doesn't she (act like a normal, healthy

> person). " Since she has never acted normal, compassionate, loving

or

> caring, it's stupid of us to expect, at age 76, she'll suddenly

> change.

>

> The number of hours we have spent as a family talking about her is

> staggering - it's probably a life time in dog years! I feel a lot

> better since I've reached some understanding of her illness (mostly

> through this board - thanks guys). I want them to " get it " as well.

>

> Not sure why they won't acknowledge the problem or try to put a

> name to it. Maybe they are just lazy (the most likely reason) or

are

> avoiding the " mental illness " label. However, based on the way she

> acts, there is no avoiding that conclusion.

>

> My youngest brother likes to say she's not crazy, she's

> just " unique. " A funny assessment but what a crock.

>

> Despite the fact that I cap on my brothers frequently, I love them

> very much and hope that they finally see the forest for the trees

and

> start healing or coping or whatever we're supposed to do.

>

> Thanks for listening to my rant. Any other similar experiences out

> there?

>

[Guest guest]

Nothing. You've tried -- you've got to let them find it, if at all,

on their own time. Don't make it your problem -- detach, take care

of yourself, and leave it with them. It's their business.

-Kyla

> >

> > Just had my 912 millionth conversation with one of my brothers

> about

> > nada. (It was actually kind of funny, he got so frustrated with

> her

> > that he told her to f*#k off! He felt bad for doing it, but I'm

> > certainly not going to blame him - that woman would try a saint).

> >

> > I've mentioned BP to all three of my bros several times. I've

> > said, " we aren't alone, there is a name for it, there is a whole

> > universe of people with the same experiences we had. You should

> read

> > Understanding the Borderline Mother. You should consider how

her

> > illness has affected you, blah, blah, blah. "

> >

> > They never do any of it. Instead we waste several more hours of

> our

> > lives talking about how annoying/crazy/weird she is. It always

> > includes some form of " why doesn't she (act like a normal,

healthy

> > person). " Since she has never acted normal, compassionate,

loving

> or

> > caring, it's stupid of us to expect, at age 76, she'll suddenly

> > change.

> >

> > The number of hours we have spent as a family talking about her

is

> > staggering - it's probably a life time in dog years! I feel a

lot

> > better since I've reached some understanding of her illness

(mostly

> > through this board - thanks guys). I want them to " get it " as

well.

> >

> > Not sure why they won't acknowledge the problem or try to put a

> > name to it. Maybe they are just lazy (the most likely reason)

or

> are

> > avoiding the " mental illness " label. However, based on the way

she

> > acts, there is no avoiding that conclusion.

> >

> > My youngest brother likes to say she's not crazy, she's

> > just " unique. " A funny assessment but what a crock.

> >

> > Despite the fact that I cap on my brothers frequently, I love

them

> > very much and hope that they finally see the forest for the

trees

> and

> > start healing or coping or whatever we're supposed to do.

> >

> > Thanks for listening to my rant. Any other similar experiences

out

> > there?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi MD,

Not to type by gender or anything...but women do tend to want to talk over

issues more

than men and find reasons for behavior. Men often just want to find a way to

solve the

problem. So it could be that by talking it over, your brothers are hoping to

eventually have

a eureka moment and figure out how to 'fix' your mother. I would say that it

could be

much worse and at least everyone is aware that she does have a problem. If you

are tired

of talking around the same thing over and over, it sounds like you might be able

to ask

them to change the topic.

is

>

> Just had my 912 millionth conversation with one of my brothers about

> nada. (It was actually kind of funny, he got so frustrated with her

> that he told her to f*#k off! He felt bad for doing it, but I'm

> certainly not going to blame him - that woman would try a saint).

>

> I've mentioned BP to all three of my bros several times. I've

> said, " we aren't alone, there is a name for it, there is a whole

> universe of people with the same experiences we had. You should read

> Understanding the Borderline Mother. You should consider how her

> illness has affected you, blah, blah, blah. "

>

> They never do any of it. Instead we waste several more hours of our

> lives talking about how annoying/crazy/weird she is. It always

> includes some form of " why doesn't she (act like a normal, healthy

> person). " Since she has never acted normal, compassionate, loving or

> caring, it's stupid of us to expect, at age 76, she'll suddenly

> change.

>

> The number of hours we have spent as a family talking about her is

> staggering - it's probably a life time in dog years! I feel a lot

> better since I've reached some understanding of her illness (mostly

> through this board - thanks guys). I want them to " get it " as well.

>

> Not sure why they won't acknowledge the problem or try to put a

> name to it. Maybe they are just lazy (the most likely reason) or are

> avoiding the " mental illness " label. However, based on the way she

> acts, there is no avoiding that conclusion.

>

> My youngest brother likes to say she's not crazy, she's

> just " unique. " A funny assessment but what a crock.

>

> Despite the fact that I cap on my brothers frequently, I love them

> very much and hope that they finally see the forest for the trees and

> start healing or coping or whatever we're supposed to do.

>

> Thanks for listening to my rant. Any other similar experiences out

> there?

>

[Guest guest]

hi there, I agree with is, you might want to start changing the subject.

I had the

same thing with my brother, he knows she is crazy but doesn't want to talk

about the

BPD. When I first figured out what it was, I told him about all thebooks, signs,

et, he didn't

want to hear of it. I think it would be better for him if he understood what we

went

through but since I can't force (I tried, I even read him passages from UBM, I

just let it go

and we still have a great relationship!

L

-- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " the_real_scoop_249385736 "

wrote:

>

> Hi MD,

>

> Not to type by gender or anything...but women do tend to want to talk over

issues more

> than men and find reasons for behavior. Men often just want to find a way to

solve the

> problem. So it could be that by talking it over, your brothers are hoping to

eventually

have

> a eureka moment and figure out how to 'fix' your mother. I would say that it

could be

> much worse and at least everyone is aware that she does have a problem. If

you are

tired

> of talking around the same thing over and over, it sounds like you might be

able to ask

> them to change the topic.

>

> is

>

>

> >

> > Just had my 912 millionth conversation with one of my brothers about

> > nada. (It was actually kind of funny, he got so frustrated with her

> > that he told her to f*#k off! He felt bad for doing it, but I'm

> > certainly not going to blame him - that woman would try a saint).

> >

> > I've mentioned BP to all three of my bros several times. I've

> > said, " we aren't alone, there is a name for it, there is a whole

> > universe of people with the same experiences we had. You should read

> > Understanding the Borderline Mother. You should consider how her

> > illness has affected you, blah, blah, blah. "

> >

> > They never do any of it. Instead we waste several more hours of our

> > lives talking about how annoying/crazy/weird she is. It always

> > includes some form of " why doesn't she (act like a normal, healthy

> > person). " Since she has never acted normal, compassionate, loving or

> > caring, it's stupid of us to expect, at age 76, she'll suddenly

> > change.

> >

> > The number of hours we have spent as a family talking about her is

> > staggering - it's probably a life time in dog years! I feel a lot

> > better since I've reached some understanding of her illness (mostly

> > through this board - thanks guys). I want them to " get it " as well.

> >

> > Not sure why they won't acknowledge the problem or try to put a

> > name to it. Maybe they are just lazy (the most likely reason) or are

> > avoiding the " mental illness " label. However, based on the way she

> > acts, there is no avoiding that conclusion.

> >

> > My youngest brother likes to say she's not crazy, she's

> > just " unique. " A funny assessment but what a crock.

> >

> > Despite the fact that I cap on my brothers frequently, I love them

> > very much and hope that they finally see the forest for the trees and

> > start healing or coping or whatever we're supposed to do.

> >

> > Thanks for listening to my rant. Any other similar experiences out

> > there?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

No one in my extended FOO will even google bpd or read a book.

Finally my cousin told me this week she had had a chance to look it

up on the internet and definitely thinks that's the problem with my

nada. It was hard to keep from crying!! I didn't realize how much I

needed someone to support me just a little. My brother recently told

me that he isn't going to do anything about it and he is fine with

being an enabler. Now I just need to get up enough never when he

calls and is freaking out about her latest behavior to remind him of

his words. But no, I'm afraid he'll get mad so I never stand up to

him either.

le

>

> Just had my 912 millionth conversation with one of my brothers

about

> nada. (It was actually kind of funny, he got so frustrated with

her

> that he told her to f*#k off! He felt bad for doing it, but I'm

> certainly not going to blame him - that woman would try a saint).

>

> I've mentioned BP to all three of my bros several times. I've

> said, " we aren't alone, there is a name for it, there is a whole

> universe of people with the same experiences we had. You should

read

> Understanding the Borderline Mother. You should consider how her

> illness has affected you, blah, blah, blah. "

>

> They never do any of it. Instead we waste several more hours of

our

> lives talking about how annoying/crazy/weird she is. It always

> includes some form of " why doesn't she (act like a normal, healthy

> person). " Since she has never acted normal, compassionate, loving

or

> caring, it's stupid of us to expect, at age 76, she'll suddenly

> change.

>

> The number of hours we have spent as a family talking about her is

> staggering - it's probably a life time in dog years! I feel a lot

> better since I've reached some understanding of her illness (mostly

> through this board - thanks guys). I want them to " get it " as well.

>

> Not sure why they won't acknowledge the problem or try to put a

> name to it. Maybe they are just lazy (the most likely reason) or

are

> avoiding the " mental illness " label. However, based on the way she

> acts, there is no avoiding that conclusion.

>

> My youngest brother likes to say she's not crazy, she's

> just " unique. " A funny assessment but what a crock.

>

> Despite the fact that I cap on my brothers frequently, I love them

> very much and hope that they finally see the forest for the trees

and

> start healing or coping or whatever we're supposed to do.

>

> Thanks for listening to my rant. Any other similar experiences out

> there?

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks everyone for your comments. I agree that it is their problem

and not mine. I've been working on living that lesson for the last

few

years. Even though I'm the " baby " and the only girl in the family,

I've been the fixer of everyone's problems for years. Not sure how

it

happened but I've officially quit that job and feel a lot better for

it.

I think le nailed it - it would be nice to have support in the

battle. Or even just an official acknowledgement that there is a

battle in the first place.

As I've discussed in other posts, I've been split black my entire

life. She's messed up all four of us in different ways. But her

venom

toward me has been particularly vicious and she has blamed me or my

dad

for almost all of her problems. My brothers have all blamed it

on " normal " mother/daughter stuff. None of them has ever pointed out

how I contribute to the madness other than to say she's jealous of

me -

wtf?!

The funny thing is that I'm pretty close to all of my brothers and I

think all of them like and respect me as a person, not just as their

sister. But for some reason they don't see the disconnect between

their good opinion of me and the bullsh*t she has spewed at me all

these years. Maybe it's some primal sibling rivalry - I'll be

friends

with my sister outside the family but inside the family she's my

competition. It doesn't help that nada is constantly trying to pit

us

against each other - we're all in our 40's how pathetic is that?!

I should change the subject but I don't because I hope that sometime

or

other they might get frustrated enough to actually looking in to

BPD.

All three bros have personal issues that I think are a direct result

of

nada and I don't think they can address those issues effectively

without

understanding BP.

Thanks again for listening and for your input.