Hi Everyone

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry you're ill, Becky. I hope it breaks quickly and you're

feeling better very soon.

Cheryl in AZ

[Guest guest]

Hi, my name is and I am a new member to the group. I have

been doing Tae Bo for about 3 years now and have lost 45 lbs. I love

the energy Tae Bo gives me every day. I recently purchased AMPED and

am working my way through the workouts. Tough but energizing.

[Guest guest]

Hi Tigress,

I agree with what deanna said about not confiding ANY negative information about

your

fiance or his kids. If you need a confidant trust me your nada (mom) is not a

good choice.

You have to lay down the law about the way she speaks about them and anyone else

you hold

dear. This is hard because some nadas are very perceptive of peoples flaws and

it is easy to

agree with them when they happen to be right.

YOU DON'T have to listen to her trash ANYONE, of course that means you have to

refrain too.

Double edged sword aint it? Sarcasm, sorry. Not nitpicking is one of the

things I am working

on so this is me projecting a bit, but valid none the less.

Stick to your guns girl! Good luck.

xoxo Carla

[Guest guest]

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I think that is the hardest

thing I'm coming to terms with - I'm going to have to go NC with her

in order to save my sanity and my relationship with my fiance'. She

has called him screaming and calling him names, stalked his old

apartment, etc. It is ridiculous. I love his girls, and there's no

way I want them to be subjected to the hateful words I grew up with.

Plus, they have already been through so much, and it's not fair to

them to have that kind of stepgrandmother. I just hate it because I'm

not close with my dad, and the rest of my mom's family avoids her as

much as possible, so I feel guilty because she doesn't have anyone

else. We were so close when I was younger, but I moved out because

she started being physically abusive. I've learned the hard way that

I can't tell her anything remotely negative about my fiance' or his kids.

It is just really difficult because my mom has turned the few people

in my family who do know about my fiance' away from me, so I feel like

I have no support. It's taking me a lot to come to terms with the

fact that I'll never have a relationship with my mom unless a) she

gets help or I don't have a life of my own. And I'm not willing to

go for option B.

>

> Hi Tigress,

>

> I agree with what deanna said about not confiding ANY negative

information about your

> fiance or his kids. If you need a confidant trust me your nada

(mom) is not a good choice.

> You have to lay down the law about the way she speaks about them and

anyone else you hold

> dear. This is hard because some nadas are very perceptive of

peoples flaws and it is easy to

> agree with them when they happen to be right.

>

> YOU DON'T have to listen to her trash ANYONE, of course that means

you have to refrain too.

> Double edged sword aint it? Sarcasm, sorry. Not nitpicking is one

of the things I am working

> on so this is me projecting a bit, but valid none the less.

>

> Stick to your guns girl! Good luck.

>

> xoxo Carla

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for your kind words, Kyla. You don't know how much

they mean to me. I'm telling my grandparents this weekend about my

fiance' this weekend (I kept it a secret to most of my family because

my nada didn't want to be embarrassed! And now I wonder why I allowed

her to squash my happiness over something she shouldn't be embarrassed

over!). There is a 12 year age difference between him and me, but I

have never seen it as an issue. He respects me and is 100% supportive

of me. Why wouldn't I want to marry a man like him, especially seeing

what a great father he is and knowing how important that is in light

of my own bipolar dad's absence from most of my life?

I have been letting my mom's hateful words about my life and my

decisions seep into my thinking. It's been putting a major toll on

our relationship too. It's been especially difficult these past few

months because my best friend has been away on an internship. I'm

becoming more excited about the life ahead of me though, and I think I

just need to focus on strengthening my new family rather than focusing

on my old.

It has been really difficult lately because nada has been calling

endlessly, crying about spending the holidays without my dad (they've

been divorced for over 15 years now!), how she's just going to move

away if I don't want her around anymore, how she might as well die

since no one wants her around, etc. My grades have taken the beating

for it; between her nonsense since I moved out and taking on 2 jobs to

support myself so I wouldn't have to rely on her whims anymore, it was

a rough semester.

I feel like a big weight will be lifted off my shoulders when I tell

my family. And if they can't accept it and be happy for me, then

fine. I guess it's a bit selfish of me to be telling them so close to

Christmas, but honestly, I don't think I can go through another

holiday sneaking off to be with my fiance' and the girls just to

satisfy my mother.

Thanks again, Kyla. I hope you have a great Christmas.

>

> " ...so I feel guilty because she doesn't have anyone

> else. "

>

> Stop right there! It's not your situation to feel guilty over! She

> doesn't have anyone else because she's constructed it that way. If

> she wanted to, she'd make new relationships. That's not your

> responsibility, it's hers.

>

> " I'm going to have to go NC with her in order to save my sanity and

> my relationship with my fiance'. She has called him screaming and

> calling him names, stalked his old apartment, etc. It is

> ridiculous. I love his girls, and there's no way I want them to be

> subjected to the hateful words I grew up with. "

>

> Now, you're starting to think clearly. Stalking your fiance should

> be a dealbreaker. That's insanity, and you shouldn't accept it.

> Thank you for protecting your fiance's girls from this. They're

> helpless -- it's up to you to protect them. They will be your

> family when you're married. Your PRIMARY allegiance is to them --

> your mom goes down in the pecking order.

>

> " It is just really difficult because my mom has turned the few people

> in my family who do know about my fiance' away from me, so I feel

> like I have no support. "

>

> If they're that easily turned against you, then they weren't close

> to you to begin with. You can form your own support system --

> there's no magic pixie dust just because they're " family " . Define a

> new family for yourself -- made up of loyal friends and any family

> members who realize she's cuckoo and reach out to you outside of

> your mother. It's not as dark as you're making it in your mind.

> Relationships are what count, not necessarily blood.

>

> " It's taking me a lot to come to terms with the fact that I'll never

> have a relationship with my mom unless a) she gets help or I

> don't have a life of my own. And I'm not willing to go for option B.

>

> Good job! You sound more in control -- now go design and live the

> life you WANT. Any insane people try to muck it up, YOU are the

> gatekeeper and have the power to keep them out. You're in charge,

> now. Not only for yourself, but you're now a role model for your

> stepdaughters.

>

> And please don't think I say this lightly, tigress -- I know it

> hurts to let your " family " go. I'm in the midst of it myself, and

> Christmas is just around the corner. Last night I had a great

> session in group therapy, and it came up about how my parents are

> such pitiful figures, especially now that my brother moved out of

> town a few weeks ago, and I'm not speaking to mom & dad.

>

> My therapist answered " THEY are responsible for whether or not

> they're pitiful figures -- not you. From the time you were a little

> girl, you were taught that you were to serve them emotionally. You

> now are grown (I'm 45!!) and don't need to fulfill that role

> anymore. "

>

> Tigress, you can save yourself a LOT of heartache if you start

> detaching now -- and just concentrate on building a great life for

> your new husband and children. I wish you the very best.

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

Hey, -- I'm so sorry you were going along so well. I would

have felt the same way -- and in fact my mother has apologized to my

brother in the past, saying " Well, I guess I didn't do that well as

a mother. " But, her old ways always pop back up. It's like someone

in a coma who briefly gains full cognizance and everyone is amazed,

then the person lapses back into the coma and " leaves " them again....

I think that's the root of the residual guilt I feel from going NC,

despite my father's desperation to get me over there to placate and

comfort my nada. The guilt comes from those happy times nada and I

have had in the past -- just like you have had recently with your

mother. I think all relationships that end badly must have had

their good times, or they wouldn't produce so much hurt in the

breakdown.

I know that a death in the BPDs life can trigger a BPD meltdown, so

your mother could, in fact, have meant everything she said when she

was loving and kind to you -- it's just that the " beast " of BPD is

too strong when something that is emotionally trying comes along

(especially a death). My own mother is in her deepest, darkest

depression yet, and her mother died last February. My mother's

reaction seems to be a little over the top, considering that her

mother was 90 years old and had been in badly declining health for

years -- constant battles to get her in the hospital, into rehab,

back home, back to the hospital, etc....Her quality of life was down

to nothing, etc.....My point of saying all that is that my mom's

reaction seems out of measure to the actual circumstances -- a sick,

90 year old woman's passing is sad, but hardly a tragedy. The

extremity of her reaction is probably due to her BPD, as is your

mother's.

And YOU seem to be the target she focuses on when she has a

breakdown. You don't deserve to be treated that way.

Please don't lump all humans into the " can't trust 'em " category --

sounds like you're reacting in anger to your mother's turnabout, and

that's completely understandable. Go ahead and be angry at your

mother and her BPD -- learn not to trust HER, but believe me, I have

a GREAT husband who has helped me navigate the minefield of my

parents, and I met him when I was young and had no clue what BPD was

or how terribly manipulative my parents were. It took another 20

years for me to see it, and my patient, wise, trustworthy husband

has been there every step of the way. He saw it almost immediately

in our courtship.

Once your anger has abated, with time, you'll come to some

understandings and, if anything, you'll learn to trust the " red

flags " when you see them in others, and take care of yourself

accordingly.

I'm not saying place blind trust in everyone, but at some point,

you're going to have to trust some people along the

way.....Otherwise, your mother's BPD will have claimed another

casualty. If I were you, I'd refuse to give up on people. Have the

confidence that, along with the bad, there's good out there, too,

and that you can handle what comes along.

I'm sorry you're going through this now -- I can feel empathy pains

along with you. I know these " turnabouts " are hurtful. My mother's

famous for them -- and I finally declared enough is enough and don't

come around for more. For that, I've been declared the bad child by

both parents, but so be it. The truth is the truth.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Hi Kyla,

As usual you have very good insight. Ive always been the " bad " child

too even if I didnt do anything bad. My brother is the all good one. I

always thought of him as mommas boy. He has tried to distance himself

from her too but he has always jumped to the forefront if she needs

anything. Like this last time she had to go into the hospital she told

everybody she didnt want to talk to me and I hadnt said anything! I

could not believe it. even thinking back right now it brings tears to

my eyes it was so hurtful. She is like jekyl and hyde. hate it. I have

distanced myself now 1-2 times a month is way more then enough. And I

keep myself guarded the whole time, so far so good. She hasnt said

anything bad. Its like after she got out of the hospital and a couple

months later she talked to me again like nothing had happened and at

this point it wouldnt even be worth discussing as she just doesnt hear

what I say, and twists things I say around to mean something else.I

hate that all of you went through similar things but also am glad to

have people that understand. I went so many years with no one

understanding like my friend. I even gave her walking on eggshells to

read which she did. But still doesnt get the concept of severe mental

abuse. So just choose to not talk to her about my mom for the most part.

Interesting about your mom after her moms death. My mom wasnt even

this depressed after her own mom died but then she didnt like her. She

was totally dependent on Harvey she bossed him around and he put up

with it. And obviouvsly it has had an extreme effect sad to say.

I wasnt that close with him but was very sad as he was a nice guy. I

lost him and felt I lost my mom too at the same time:(

Thanks again

>

> Hey, -- I'm so sorry you were going along so well. I would

> have felt the same way -- and in fact my mother has apologized to my

> brother in the past, saying " Well, I guess I didn't do that well as

> a mother. " But, her old ways always pop back up. It's like someone

> in a coma who briefly gains full cognizance and everyone is amazed,

> then the person lapses back into the coma and " leaves " them again....

>

> I think that's the root of the residual guilt I feel from going NC,

> despite my father's desperation to get me over there to placate and

> comfort my nada. The guilt comes from those happy times nada and I

> have had in the past -- just like you have had recently with your

> mother. I think all relationships that end badly must have had

> their good times, or they wouldn't produce so much hurt in the

> breakdown.

>

> I know that a death in the BPDs life can trigger a BPD meltdown, so

> your mother could, in fact, have meant everything she said when she

> was loving and kind to you -- it's just that the " beast " of BPD is

> too strong when something that is emotionally trying comes along

> (especially a death). My own mother is in her deepest, darkest

> depression yet, and her mother died last February. My mother's

> reaction seems to be a little over the top, considering that her

> mother was 90 years old and had been in badly declining health for

> years -- constant battles to get her in the hospital, into rehab,

> back home, back to the hospital, etc....Her quality of life was down

> to nothing, etc.....My point of saying all that is that my mom's

> reaction seems out of measure to the actual circumstances -- a sick,

> 90 year old woman's passing is sad, but hardly a tragedy. The

> extremity of her reaction is probably due to her BPD, as is your

> mother's.

>

> And YOU seem to be the target she focuses on when she has a

> breakdown. You don't deserve to be treated that way.

>

> Please don't lump all humans into the " can't trust 'em " category --

> sounds like you're reacting in anger to your mother's turnabout, and

> that's completely understandable. Go ahead and be angry at your

> mother and her BPD -- learn not to trust HER, but believe me, I have

> a GREAT husband who has helped me navigate the minefield of my

> parents, and I met him when I was young and had no clue what BPD was

> or how terribly manipulative my parents were. It took another 20

> years for me to see it, and my patient, wise, trustworthy husband

> has been there every step of the way. He saw it almost immediately

> in our courtship.

>

> Once your anger has abated, with time, you'll come to some

> understandings and, if anything, you'll learn to trust the " red

> flags " when you see them in others, and take care of yourself

> accordingly.

>

> I'm not saying place blind trust in everyone, but at some point,

> you're going to have to trust some people along the

> way.....Otherwise, your mother's BPD will have claimed another

> casualty. If I were you, I'd refuse to give up on people. Have the

> confidence that, along with the bad, there's good out there, too,

> and that you can handle what comes along.

>

> I'm sorry you're going through this now -- I can feel empathy pains

> along with you. I know these " turnabouts " are hurtful. My mother's

> famous for them -- and I finally declared enough is enough and don't

> come around for more. For that, I've been declared the bad child by

> both parents, but so be it. The truth is the truth.

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Carla,

Thanks for your response. Ive been in therapy for 7 plus years dont

know where I would be without her:) I have slowed down on how much I

go this last year however. Wasnt having alot to talk about or was

talking about same thing over and over and getting no where with it.

Yes the worst part with my nada was learning to trust her over a 2

year period and then get blasted out of no where.. and when I have

picked people to be in relationship with same thing happens and has

always happened they portray they are one way for 6 months or so till

they feel they have me so to speak then they change. I dont trust

myself to pick people anymore but only through this last exp with nada

realized why I picked it .. Just dont have a clue how to know if

someone is telling the truth anymore so am sad over that.

> >

> > Hi everyone I havent written in quite some time. Have been reading the

> > last couple days. Want to say Happy holidays to all of you. Im having

> > a dilemma inside myself right now. I only figured out my nada was BPD

> > maybe 6 -8 months ago. Explains alot!

> > For those of you who never heard my recent story my adopted dad died

> > in March. Before that for the previous 2 years I had gotten along with

> > my nada famously, she had apologized to me for not being a mom when I

> > was young etc. I forgave her and finally felt I had a mom for the

> > first time in my life. It wa really nice. It is all but a memory now

> > After Harvey died I went to the funeral all was fine. I got home

> > and about a week later my nada started having a meltdown. She has had

> > a couple of psychotic breaks in the past seem to be triggered when she

> > is alone. I live out of state from her and have since age 14 when she

> > checked herself into the hospital and I was told she wasnt coming home

> > till I was gone. Was told at age 16 in a letter that I was the cause

> > of her so called agoraphobia. and the cause of all her problems. Well

> > that same thought pattern on her part resurfaced when she was having a

> > breakdown in March. She wrote me a nasty email telling me almost word

> > for word the same things she told me when I was 16! This was out of no

> > where one day we got along next day I got the nastygram! Almost like

> > she was regressing. She was checked into the hospital and had to be

> > put on meds I know she is mentally ill. As was her mother. My mom not

> > only has PBD but has psychotic episodes now and again. A couple years

> > back she was hospitalized for 3 months while trying to get her meds

> > under control. She didn't even know who people were was sad.

> > the problem for me is I realize logically she is sick in the head but

> > my trust of her was totally shattered beyond repair this last time

> > she blasted me as I wasn't expecting it. I had finally thought she had

> > changed and grew up. We talked daily and got along. I confided things

> > to her I never had before. Now I dont trust anyone. And I wont ever

> > trust her again.

> > Dr Phil said something the other day which resonated with me he said

> > how can you forgive someone who is stepping on your foot if they are

> > still doing it? Sooo true!

> > All of a sudden I had a light bulb moment and realized why I didnt

> > feel forgiveness. Then I told a close friend about that, she thinks

> > diff then I do and thinks I should love my mother no matter what and

> > forgive her and put up with it because she is mentally ill just like

> > if she was physically ill the difference being if physically ill she

> > wouldn't be emotionally hurting me. She has hurt me to the very core

> > of my being. I'm 44 and have no desire to be with anyone in a

> > relationship even because of her. I have picked people just like her

> > and no longer trust anyone

> > I wish I didn't feel this way as I feel so sad to think I am going to

> > be alone the rest of my life. I have no kids never wanted them. Im not

> > close with any of my family and over the holidays felt quite alone.

> > Sad there is no one that loves me unconditionally. Im at war inside on

> > talking with my nada I have talked to her since about 1-2 times a

> > month is all its brief and nothing in depth, I find I get irritated

> > just hearing her voice now. I wish I could have back the relationship

> > I thought we had built, but basically it was a lie

> > Well am just rambling now. thanks for listening any insight is

> > appreciated

> > R

> >

>