RE: appearance

January 1, 2007

This sounds like a great deal of growth to me. It is hard to get from the

should, coulds and woulds and our reactions to them to find out who we really

are, and that we are ok! Delana.

________________________________

From: tae-bo_on on behalf of Charlotte

Sent: Thu 12/21/2006 11:03 PM

Subject: appearance

I've been watching American's Next Top Model with my daughter -- it's

incredible how average girls get transformed into polished beautiful women in

just twelve weeks. Week by week there isn't a big change but by the end...all

these changes add up to amazing. Sometimes they even have plus size models...

They use a lot of kickboxing to tone the girls up.

I've been experimenting with myself -- listening to what they are saying and

trying to absorb some of it. I've become aware of how much I crunch my body,

and how I don't have as strong of posture as I could. Little things...telling

how you feel about yourself, and how you think you appear to others. I wonder

if I could be beautiful like that...going from plain to beautiful, little by

little. Sooo, I keep up my exercise, and let Abigail continue to do my nails. I

put on Makeup, even though I'm not really " into that. " I'm never going to be

" American's Next Top Model " but I can be the best version of myself. I'm trying

to find my style, and who I am..really, not what I thought a " girl who barely

deserves the oxygen she breaths and needs to be ultra conservative religious

modest look.... " etc. At 44, to still be struggling with this.

This came out of the fatigue that I had...at first, I was simply trying to knock

myself out of the " depression " (I thought I had) into my old " fierce warrior

princess " mindset...so that now that I'm feeling relatively normal -- I can see

parts that no longer work for me. I don't want to be " timid, shy fat girl in the

corner, don't look at me " anymore. But " Warrior princess " is no longer me,

either. I want to be somewhere in the middle...a self-confident mature woman who

likes ducks and writing. I find that thought to be strangely attractive for the

first time in my life.

Charlotte

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