the blues

[Guest guest]

Hello to all...I could use some advice from anyone on this great group.I

have been in a total " blue funk " all day!!!!I went to maintenance rehab

( that follows Pulmonary rehab) did every thing I was supposed to do

including the stuff needed to keep my knee strong ( lateral miniscus

tear of right knee) and even had a 30 minute massage later in the day

as a New Year treat for myself...still I have felt really down inspite

of all of that positive stuff. I found myself very teary and listless

most of the day and snapped at my very patient husband a lot. I have no

appetite. Nothing in the meds has changed, the weather in the

Philadelphia area was nice ( 45 degrees in December is great), nothing

really hurt, I wasn't having more SOB than usual. I usually can talk

myself out of these down days..but not today!!! I've had the feeling of

just wanting to wave the white flag and give up...but I won't do that

because I need to be here for when ( not if) my daughter gets pregnant (

she's been having so much trouble with fertility issues)...I just want

to see her become the Mom she is meant to be. Honestly I haven't been so

down since I first was diagnosed with NSIP in July 05 2005. I have

recently figured out that where I am physically today is probably the

best I'm going to be and that is not great. To be o2 dependent, on

enough medications to kill an elephant, not working, having little or no

energy most of the time is really a miserable way to live. I had taught

for the last 18 years in a community college, been active in volunteer

work for literacy in our library, did loads of needle work and spent

many fulfilling hours in the pottery studio at school. I can't do most

of that anymore.I cannot follow directions on needlework because of the

horrid prenisone making me ADD. Talking is the most difficult thing for

me to do...and I admit that I was quite a talker...so teaching is out

and phone calls are short. I still get tp the studio but need a big

respirater mask and the portable Helios for o2 and have difficulty with

the activity needed to throw clay on the wheel and just do hand work

now. Basically this is not ME!!!Finding another ME is quite difficult

after 63 ( in January) years . I'm rambling, I'm sorry for that..the

prednisone has caused this too. I do go for counseling and it's not

getting me anywhere right now.. The psychologist wants me to write down

all the things I can do...all that does is highlight what I can no

longer do. I don't get the purpose of this at all. She says that after a

while I should be able to refocus on what I can do instead of what I

can't. I told her that the energy needed to do this is

counterproductive...I use up what positive energy I have on the

negatives. I don't have enough energy to be wasting like that or this

really negative email for that matter!!! So, I'm going to try to end

this on a positive note...I wish everyone a Happy 2007 with Better

Health for all. Z./05