Woe is me--pity party

February 28, 2009

Hi all you smiling faces, and special love to you who are weighed down.

I have been weighed down lately, and decided to share some of it with you. I

feel like having a pity party. OK? Do Y'all want to join me? If someone

would bring Lemon drops that would be nice.

Last week I was with Don, and my daughter, on Sunday. I brought Don home for

the afternoon. The day was too much for me. So Monday I stayed home. I did

laundry, and yet still relaxed at home, but was tired.

Tuesday I was with Don, and then went to the grocery store. Wednesday was

shot. I couldn't visit Don. He really put me through it on the phone. Most of

the time, I tell a nurse to tell him I can't come in. I feel so bad for him

that I cry quite often.

I visited Don on Thursday, and he was worried that I had a boy friend, and

was drifting away from him. He can't communicate very much, but that part was

clear.

Trying to comfort him and reassure him seemed to do no good, so I tried to

divert his attention. He was right back on feeling unloved and that I have

someone else. Oh goodness! Me, have someone else?

All this time I feel bad and have a very bad stomach, plus a lot of misery

with my bones. I am 76 so little things take a toll on me. I do continue to

have Chronic Eosenophelia pneumonia which drains my strength.

He was standing, one time, so I asked him to close the door. He put his

hands on the TV, and felt around. I said Close the door honey, he put is hands

on

a small table. I said darling close the door to your right, so he went over

two feet, and found the door. He carefully closed it against the wall, and

tried to figure out why it wouldn't latch shut. I said Darling close the door

the other way, He looked at me questioningly, and then he finally pulled it

shut.

That is how any instructions are with him. He is so sweet and tries so hard,

but

He just can't follow instructions. I got up from the chair and hugged and

kissed him. He finally took a nap.

As I was leaving he was trying to figure out a way that we could be together

all the time. He went on the kick of me having a boy friend, so much so that

I left crying.

Then yesterday, I was TOLD to leave a meeting for a few patients.

That made me instantly angry. I walked out with Don following me. He didn't

know I was mad as I have attended that metting before, but he expressed how

mad he was. So I had to soothe him. When we were alone in Don's room, I bawled.

When I saw the girl that said it, she said to see THE DON, so I did. She

was patient with me, and told me that it was a patient's only meeting, where

they air their grievances and they don't want outsiders in the meeting, not

anyone, not even nurses. So then I understood. The way I was kicked out was a

low blow.

Then, I was signing Don out to come home with me and Don's daughter told me

the Doctor is coming so Don should remain at the NH. Another negative. So I

waited for lunch and instead of fried fish that they do just right, they had a

batter on the fish and baked it. Mush. Nothing about the meal was good. That

is unusual for the NH.

Don't forget all the time I am with Don he is tugging at my nerves every

second that he isn't asleep. He is terribly hard to follow in what he is

saying,

but If I miss something then it's lost, and it may have been something I

need to know. So, I can't ignore him. I strain hard to hear, as he speaks so

softly and the NH is so noisy, it makes my blood pressure soar. Trying to hear

is very trying.

I came home and just bawled, and am going to lay low for as long as I need

in order to feel better. I guess I need to see the doctor. But, then again

getting away and resting may be all that is needed. It's just nerves.

Thank you for allowing me to be at a pity party. It may not seem like such a

big deal to most of you, but it was heavy on my nerves.

Love you all,

Imogene

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March 1, 2009

Dear , I am usually a positive happy person. Many have called me strong.

But, like most of us, I lay low for a spell to regain my strength and

composure, and pull my boot straps up and head out for more until that gets me

down

again. So, I use the list to help, to play sometimes, and to vent.

Thank you so much for your great support. It is needed. My darling has been

through a lot with two open heart surgeries, and several surgeries on an AVF

that resulted in his getting an MRSA infection. He has been near deaths door

many times. All the years of it, and now LBD, are finally wearing me down. I

can't take what I did at 50 or 60 anymore. I am beginning to want to stay

curled up in my robe.

I can't give up even if I am only 3 1/2 years from 80. I need to care for

him as my heart breaks for him. He is so alone in this terrible disease.

I love you for your understanding. And thank you about the book. It is my

first attempt to write other than letters, and it is very simple like the 17

year old I wrote about. but I have enjoyed writing, and it developed into a 360

some page book. My family love it, as I have named birth days and deaths and

times of events, yet made a story instead of just listing genealogy.

Thanks again, ,

And, love a lot, it makes the heart glow and troubles seem less, as mine are

beginning to feel.

Imogene

In a message dated 3/1/2009 1:34:08 PM Central Standard Time,

NJKourides@... writes:

Dearest Imogene, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time lately.

Sometimes it's difficult to focus on the positive and so easy to

wallow in the negative. I find this especially true in the winter.

I've been doing nothing but lurking lately, because it seems to take

too much energy to reply to anyone's post. But I've been reading

every day, and smiling over everyone's joys or hurting right along

with the pain. I hope now that it's March, and the days will be

getting longer and the weather warmer, I'll be coming out of my " dark

place " and be able to once again participate fully in the group.

Although that may be easier said than done, since here in NJ they're

predicting a huge snowstorm for tonight and tomorrow!

But enough about me! This is supposed to be support and encouragement

for you. You have been so strong for a long time. You deserve a " pity

party " once in a while. That way you can express all your negative

feelings, and then pick yourself up again and do what you do best,

taking care of your darling Don. I can't say I understand exactly

what you're going through, because my MIL, not my husband, is

affected. However, since I've met Lewy, I have imagined what it would

be like going through this with my husband, and it gives me

nightmares. It must be incredibly painful for you. Just keep venting

here, and you'll have the strength to carry on. And remember, it's

not Don talking, it's that evil Lewy.

I hope you're feeling better very soon.

Love, hugs and appreciation,

PS--I was very happy to read another portion of your book when you

posted it recently! You really have a gift.

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March 1, 2009

Thank you dear , I hate having generated attention to myself, Yet, if I

don't talk, I'll explode, and the whole U.S. will feel it. That is pretty

bad. Maybe not the whole U.S. How about this county? No? Then how about this

city? Still no? Alright how about my neighbor? That is possible as I live in a

very small apartment.

Thank you dear, this too shall pass,

Love a lot,

Imogene

In a message dated 3/1/2009 4:36:02 PM Central Standard Time,

dsd1@... writes:

Dearest Imogene,

It's okay to have a pity party once in a while. Think I had one of my own a

few days ago, but I thank God for all of you! You all give me strength to

go on. Like said, you have been a very strong person and even though I

joined the group not too long ago, you have been there for me and for so many

others! So my Dear Imogene, go ahead and let your feelings out. We are

here to support you and comfort you in these trying times. Though we've never

personally met I feel you as part of my family and I'm sure I can speak on beha

lf of the rest of your family here, you can always count on us for anything!

May God bless you always and give you the strength to continue being the

beautiful person you are. Below is a saying I read quite often and I somehow

find comfort.

SERENITY

God, light of my light, grant me the

SERENITY

to accept the things I cannot change, the

COURAGE

to change the things I can, and the

WISDOM

to know the difference.

AMEN

Sending you tons of 'feel-better' hugs!!!

**************You're invited to Hollywood's biggest party: Get s

updates, red carpet pics and more at Moviefone.

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March 1, 2009