When the Car Keys Are the Last Means to Independence

[Guest guest]

When the Car Keys Are the Last Means to Independence

Among the principles that Dale Carnegie noted in How to Win Friends

and Influence People was, " Let it be the other man's idea. "

Several years ago my 78 year-old mother had a serious fall and lost

the sight in her left eye. It was a difficult adjustment but she

temporarily gave up driving, relying on family and local

transportation. I suggested that she undergo a driving assessment

which included both on the road and a simulated reaction time

evaluation. At that time she had a hearing loss but no apparent

cognitive deficits, so I did not feel that a cognition test was

indicated. She passed them both, although the gentleman who took her

on the highway said she was a little slow but compensated well for

the blind left eye.

Fast forward a few years, the hearing loss got worse and it seemed

that family members preferred they drive instead of Mom. She moved

into an assisted living as memory difficulties were emerging, but she

still took the car out occasionally to run errands. She was a very

independent woman and always enjoyed driving, so when discussions

came up about giving up her car, she was not pleased and said she

would know when it was time to give up the keys.

Eventually, when Mom could not recall how to get to familiar places,

I knew it was time – for her safety and the safety of others – to

approach this topic again, but differently. Also with her hearing

loss getting worse, she was not able to hear approaching sirens or,

once close, determine the direction from which they were coming.

To date there had been some limited family discussions and different

opinions – no one wanted to " take away " Mom's keys. I lived in Ohio

but had been coming out the last few years at Christmas since she

seemed to be overwhelmed. I decided this was something I wanted to

try, with winter setting in, and her driving minimal due to the

weather.

I believe that synchronicity played a part in this – it seems that

she also forgot to pay her insurance premium after all these years.

During the time I was there, I introduced several discussions about

driving but from a different perspective. First of all, I told her I

was concerned for her safety. Her hearing was not as good and

sometimes she did not hear the sirens or if someone was honking at

her. And if she had a minor accident and her air bag went off, she

could be hurt. In addition, because of the hearing loss, she could

not use a cell phone. She was getting a little more forgetful and I

told her that although she stuck close to the assisted living, if

there was a detour she might get lost and could not call for help.

She already knew about alternative transportation, so that part was

never brought up. Then I hugged her, told her I loved her, wanted her

to think about it and went away for a few days to visit a friend.

When I returned I talked to her a little more about the driving,

asking her what would be her biggest concerns. Since she was in

assisted living, they were not as extensive but very important to

her. So I addressed each one with a possible solution to consider. As

for her favorite snacks, my sister-in-law could get them for her. As

for her lactaid milk, the assisted living had a supply. When it came

to getting to doctor's appointments, the van at her facility could

take her or the transportation service she used. Actually someone

from the family now always accompanied her unless it was for a B12

shot because of her hearing and increased memory problems. The big

issue was the banking. She did not want to change banks and the

concept of keeping her bank and having a separate account offered by

the facility for her odds and ends was not something she was able to

grasp at this point – so I just let it go.

Then I went to work on a plan. I contacted a non medical companion

service and hired them for 3 hours a week to take Mom wherever she

needed to go for the next 3-4 months. Then, since matchbox cars were

part of a tradition with my son when he was little, I found a

matchbox van and wrapped it up with a note explaining that she was

getting this service as a gift from the family. My thought was if we

could make it work for at least a little while, perhaps she would be

willing to continue with the plan since she did not want to

inconvenience her family.

On Christmas Eve as we gathered in her apartment, Mom said she had an

announcement. I thought: this cannot be medical because I just took

her to the doctor and everything was okay, it cannot be moving

because she had done that already, and then my heart skipped a beat –

could she be giving up the car keys? Her exact words were – I am

giving up the car keys - it is my choice. That was it and she never

fussed about it again.

Again, I think a little luck helped. The driveway out of her facility

is very long and with the traffic and a curve at the end of the

driveway, a left turn is risky at best and she is blind in her left

eye. Sometime prior to Christmas Eve one of the residents had a minor

accident pulling out of that driveway.

So Mom gave up the keys willingly and she never mentioned wanting to

drive again.

What a Christmas gift it was for all of us.

For more information on Kilpatrick and her work involving

Alzheimer's go to www.connectionsincommunication.com/pages/home.htm .

Editor's Note: Driving with a diagnosis of Alzheimer's is always a

difficult issue and each person reacts differently. Some agree and

relinquish driving easily, while others put up a stubborn and

relentless fight. In some cases, even removing or selling the car can

result in the clandestine purchase of a new one. Logic may no longer

be a factor in these conversations, but one thing is certain: When

you have a disease that affects your brain, ability to process

information and to make quick decisions, driving becomes a

progressively important safety issue.

Source:

http://tinyurl.com/cggp69