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My mother was diagnosed with dementia in October but upon looking back, I

can now see she's had this insidious problem for many years. She has always

had a volatile personality and distorted thinking all my life so when this

began, I did not recognize it at all. Her husband is in an nursing home in

the last stages of dementia.

I need help in making a serious decision and it has to be made in the next

week.

I can leave my mother in long term care at the nursing home where she is

getting great care (bathing, hair done, nails, toenails, etc., which she had

neglected doing) wherein she'll lose all she has, including her home, or put

her in an apartment with some in home care.

The problem is my mother shuts people out. She had totally isolated herself

in her home (200 miles away.now I've moved her to a nursing home 10 minutes

from me) and has an extremely volatile temper. She can be calm one minute

and then threatening to kill people the next, and also is extremely

paranoid. In the nursing home she's finally on medication which has

drastically reduced these tendencies and actually, for the first time in

twenty years, seems content and peaceful, although she does go on rages

wanting to go home. Whenever I see her she wants to go home. Sometimes she

chases me down the hall in her wheelchair accusing me and my husband of

stealing everything from her. When she lived at home, she accused the

neighbor of sneaking in and stealing from her, like her panties, nightgowns,

drinking her wine and stealing her pepsi. Before him she thought my son was

tunneling under her house, and prior to that she thought it was her

husband's daughter and grandson who were stealing from her. She has, all my

life, been a paranoid person so this was nothing new to me.

IF I put her in an apartment, as she can do the self care things like go to

the bathroom and dress herself, I am worried she might not take the meds as

needed. Also, that she might shut out any in home care providers, or even

myself, but shouldn't I at least give her a chance and she is still in the

early stages of dementia; her short term memory is shot. She doesn't

remember the major surgery she had in October, nor any other surgeries.

Well, I could go on and on but I am at wits end. If she gets wind that she

might be in a nursing home for long term care she will go totally ballistic

and might revoke my durable power of attorney. To go for guardianship is

just too costly as it takes money to file, and more money to pay the ad

litum attorney.

She cannot go back to her house. She mortgaged her house, which was paid

off, failed to pay the taxes, has a judgment against her, and spent every

dime and more on QVC and HSN. Not to mention the house is a mess and needs

at least $15,000 to bring it up to code. We would have to let the house go

into foreclosure.

This has been a nightmare and put me on an emotional roller coaster I just

cannot believe, and am having a hard time handling, making me literally

sick. My husband does not want her to live with us as she has a strong

personality and can be so angry being physically and emotionally abusive.

On the flip side she can be the nicest person you'd ever want to meet.

Long term is ok if that is what is best for her but I know she doesn't want

to be there. I am going to look at an apartment tomorrow, but again, what

would I do if things did not go right?

Any suggestions from anyone who understands this horrendous problem is so

welcome. I am just beside myself and it's causing great distress in my

marriage of only four years.

Thanks,

Darlene