Wrong thing

[Guest guest]

I did the wrong thing.

What wrong thing is that?

Crying. I'm not supposed to cry. And if I do cry, I'm not supposed

to cry hard or loudly.

Is that true, Sweetheart? That you're not supposed to cry hard or

loudly?

Yes. And I don't know where I first got that thought.

You don't have to know where you got it. Thought happens. We don't

need to know the thought's past to ask the four questions.

Ok.

So, you're not supposed to cry hard or loudly. Can you really know

that that's true? Ask you.

No, I really can't know that I'm not supposed to, but I still

believe it.

Just sit with that for a bit. You can't know for sure that you're

not supposed to cry hard and loud. Just let yourself play with the

idea that maybe...just maybe...this belief you've had isn't true.

Close your eyes. Breathe.

Tell me, Sweetheart...how do you react when you think this

thought...that you're not supposed to cry loud and hard...and you're

crying!

It is complete agony.

I torture myself.

My throat feels like it wants to explode.

I'm very self-conscious.

I'm in other people's business trying to make them more comfortable.

Meanwhile, I'm making myself so unbelievably uncomfortable!

It makes me cry more.

It's more work to hold back the noise.

I am violent with myself.

I fight with tears.

I fight with sound.

And they aren't even trying to hurt me!

I tell myself that I'm a crybaby.

I tell myself that I should know better.

I tell myself that I'm too old to be acting like that.

I try to talk myself out of it.

I wait for the other person to give me permission: *It's ok...just

let it out. Cry all you want. Everything's ok. You're doing so good.

Just let it have you.*

And when the permission from the other person doesn't come - I feel

unsupported.

What's the worst that could happen if you cried and it was loud and

hard?

The other person would get sick of me and leave. I'd feel unsafe to

cry around them anymore.

Well, it sounds like you already feel unsafe to cry around other

people sometimes.

Yeah, that's true.

And if the other person got sick of you and left, can you see that

you'd be spared!? They'd leave and then you wouldn't have to be self-

conscious about crying loud and hard anymore. You'd just be doing it

with yourself!

LOL...that's pretty funny.

Yeah, the worst case scenario is often the best case scenario when

you look at it from reality's perspective. Let's take a look at who

you'd be without the thought that you're not supposed to cry loud

and hard.

I would cry!

As much as was in me, for as long as it was there, and as loud as it

could come.

The crying is for me.

I would release the energy instead of fighting with it.

I would be in my own business.

I'd let other people tend to their business -- staying/not staying,

whatever.

I'd be so much more gentle with myself.

I'd take each time I cry as a separate episode instead of thinking

of the last time I cried and thinking that it's too close together.

I'd be present.

I'd thank myself big time.

I'd see crying as rebirthing -- not a cop out.

I'd stop trying to control something that feels unnatural to control.

TA> I am supposed to cry loud and hard. (Yes...when it seems like

that's what's happening, who am I to argue with my process?)

TA> I am supposed to laugh loud and hard. That sounds fun!

TA> Other people are supposed to cry loud and hard. Hmmm. Sometimes

I find myself telling people to Let it out, etc...and that might not

be for them. Good lesson in staying in my business.