weight, black holes and so much more

[Guest guest]

--- cathyfbeth@... wrote:

---------------------------------

Dear ,

I cut my nada out of my life when my children were

very young also. I didn't have to go the restraining

order route but I thought about it. We moved and

left no forwarding address. I guess that's pretty

serious. I have always told the truth to my children

even when they were really young and didn't

understand. The reason we don't see Grandma is

becuase she is mentally ill and I'm protecting myself

and my children from her. That was enough

explanation for them until they could understand

better. If you don't give your 6 year old a

reasonable explanation he'll fill in the blanks by

thinking it's his fault. Kids don't have the capacity

to reason the way adults do. It doesn't matter

whether nada loves or not, she's sick and must be kept

away for everyone's protection. My older daughter was

watching the Sally Field character on ER and asked me

if that was what my mother was like. That was close

enough. I know she understands and so does her

sister. My 17 year old son is still not sure what's

wrong with nada but he doesn't know her at all and he

sees how nuts I get when ever we let our guard down

and allow any contact. nada is smart, manipulative

and sneaky. I feel very strongly that

it's my duty to protect my 3 kids from her lunacy. Of

course there's no right way or wrong way to explain to

the little ones. My kids never had any

normal grandparents. My father died when they were

really little. My mil is narcissistic and never did

the grandparently things with them. She did

however favor her other grandchildren (from her

daughter). My FIL has been very good to them

financially and I am extremely greatful. He's nicer

to me than anyone else in the family and he's

generally considered pretty scary. He's no match for

my nada which is why he never scared me. We explained

that we promise to be grandparently to their children

when they grow up. We can

pay it forward that's the best we can do in that

department. lol, PS I think you were very

brave and it doesn't matter if strangers in the world

don't get it about your nada and fada, we get it and

the people who matter in your life and love you get

it. Your kids will understand in time.

.................................................

You are fantastic

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[Guest guest]

--- Fingeroot wrote:

---------------------------------

Hi all,

I may not have much time because my little one (16

months) is napping and my oldest son, 6, came home

sick at lunch time --so I may be needed at any minute.

I'm stealing a few minutes because I so needed to

correspond with y'all. I have comments about having

the big black hole (mine is huge) and weight (I have a

lifelong battle and nada became like a woman possessed

trying to make me gain back weight when I lost down to

a size 8), but mostly I needed you to know that I

received my restraining order against nada that keeps

her from contacting me, husband or kids in any manner.

After 3 postponements and dealings that make nada's

home county look like a cartoon, we finally went to

court on Monday and our attorneys (at judge's

instruction) worked out a deal. I don't know how the

woman managed it, but nada appeared on speaker phone

instead of in person. I'm sure she gave the court a

bunch of incredible bull**** about being needed at her

business and that's why she couldn't attend in my

state that is about a 5-hour drive from her.

Whatever ...

This week has been a nightmare. I had no idea the

emotions would be this powerful, that I would hurt,

ache, be angry, be sick to my stomache, be so

exhausted that I can hardly walk across the room. And

finally, today, start coming back to my senses that

the woman left me no choice and this pain I've felt

this week is only a drop in the bucket to the ongoing

torture she causes in my life.

The first day was surreal. I felt like I feel when a

member of the my family dies (and unfortunately I have

had it happen enough that I am familiar with the

emotions). I slept for 3 hours in the middle of the

day and cried hysterically for hours. I won't go on

and on with the details of each day, but it has been a

painful episode. I'm still not right, but have found

myself remembering episodes of my life that I had

forgotten about that remind me of how crazy she is and

how much of my life has been wrapped up in her

craziness.

This morning, for example, I remembered her throwing a

fit and raging once because she came to visit and the

television shows my first husband and I were watching

on TV depicted mothers in a bad light. I was in my

20's so that must have been the nighttime soap years

with Dynasty and Knots Landings -- shoot, everybody

was bad in those things. I remembered helping her out

at a country fair and later being raged out because I

told her not slide greasy equipment under an evening

dress I had hanging in her storage area. That day I

was not allowed to leave until I was curled up in the

fetal position betweena her sink and her toilet, at

which point she threw some things and told me to

leave.

The result of my restraining order is that I no longer

have to go to my mailbox in fear. The stabbing pain

that Hania described about her nada's letter will not

get a chance to strike my heart again. She can't reach

out by phone, mail or email to call me the crazy one

to make incredible accusations, to say things no human

should say to another especially a mother to a child.

Good riddance!

Of course, she had to get one last slap in before she

could let me go. The stupid B**** asked the judge if

this would be binding on me too -- meaning she wanted

to know if I would be prevented from contacting her.

For God's sake! She just wanted to make sure everyone

in the courtroom knew she was throwing me away not the

other way around. Of course, it's not binding on me.

She also said in her legal response that she had

instructed her attorney in her home state (she had to

get one in my state also) to research ways to

" disavow " her daughter. I geuss she's trying to cut me

out of her will. Hey, maybe I will sue saying she was

not in her right mind when she made it. LOL!!!

I was left very validated, however. We could tell that

she and her sorry, good for nothing, insane, mean and

did I say sorry and good for nothing? husband had

written the legal response and had an attorney file it

for them because it was such a piece of narcistic

work. Anyway, when her attorney meets up with mine in

the hallway her own attorney says " Did you read that

piece of work? " about the legal response he has filed

for her.

I laughed out loud. I couldn't help it. It was so

VALIDATING!! Later, my own attorney says he is no

therapist, but the narcissism and projection in her

document is so evident that even he can see it. THANK

YOU GOD!

Her response included all this info about what she and

her husband used to be when they were alleged

professionals. I think the point was -- look at us,

we're smart so we must be right and the daughter is

the stupid one. Of course, she hasn't worked at a one

of those jobs in about 30 years, but that's beside the

point. It also said I suffered from mental illness and

had become increasingly paranoid and delusional during

the last several years. Oh yeah, I was deluded into

thinking I had a mother. She flat out lied and said

she never put her hand on my throat and that she did

not attack me, only slapped me in a " parental manner "

(keep in mind I am 41 years old) because I had become

hysterical and was speaking to her in a threatening

manner. I couldn't believe the lies she told. She also

said she had just put her hand on my shoulder in an

effort to rock me and soothe me the way she had done

when I was a child. I thought I would faint when I

read it.

Wow. I really needed to tell you guys about this. I

feel better just talking about it. Now I've got to

figure out how to help my son. He asked me last night

why his grandparents would do this if they really

loved him as much as they said they do.

I was as honest as I know how to be. I said " I don't

know. I think about that all the time and I don't

understand what makes them do these things. "

I've very worried about the message this sends,

though. Is he home sick because he thinks mothers and

and children can so easily separate from one another.

That I can leave him, that he can leave me?

Love and hugs and kisses are all I know to do. Well,

some ice cream might help us all.

Thanks for listening. I want to join the conversations

soon, I just haven't been able to lately. This weight

thing is very interesting to me, though, because I

honestly believe weight is much more of an emotional

issue than people realize.

Got to run.

................................................

You are absolutely inspiring .

When my daughter came home with messages from her

BPDfather (and this was after the first Domestic

Vioence Order) saying tell your mother I love her, I

would say to her that his love and my love were very

different, and that behaviour is the best indicator of

how much someone loves you. These messages continued

for a very long time.

3 1/2 years later, my daughter sat down with me

recently and said 'you know mum, I don't think dad is

capable of loving anyone' wow lights on, bingo, she

worked it out.

Hope this helps

Ellie

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[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I am glad to hear that you got your restraining order to keep your

nada away. You must be enormously relieved.

I feel an enormous relief just hearing about it. One of my most

difficult issues is fear of the legal system. It is rare that I hear

about it actually protecting someone. When I do hear about something

like that, it lifts a little of the enormous weight of fear.

- Dan