Re: Comparisons to the BPM

[Guest guest]

The same thing has happened to me Scout. I felt 'spine chilling cold' once

when my aunt told me that I am 'just like my mom'...she was referring to

cooking, sewing, and such. I think she just meant to compliment me; I still

don't

know how to accept praise without paranoia.

BUT, my DH said to me not long ago in the midst of a 'disagreement' that I

should go look at my face in a mirror, that I 'looked just like my mother then';

it was NOT a complement but did make me think about what I was doing/saying.

I had to concede that I was using some unfair tactics. Just when I thought

I'd worked through all my childhood garbage, I realized that I've retained more

of it. It might be that we rely on those old coping strategies learned in

childhood without realizing we are doing it until someone courageous, who cares

about us, makes us look at it. Carol

[Guest guest]

<< I used to have to

pretend to be complimented by the comparison to my mom (not that I

ever really WAS, but it was easier to deal with positive compliments

than comparisons to someone as disturbed as she is). >>

Yo Other KOs,

Let's see. I can remember one incident when I was at a booksale with my

aunt, nada's sister and she introduced me to another person who not only knows

my

nada but lives on the same floor with her in the apartment building. Auntie

and uncle introduced me as D's daughter, Rita, our niece. The other lady just

stared at me for the longest time without saying a word. I was pleasant,

kind, friendly, outgoing as usual and after awhile of watching me and sizing me

up

and making idle chit chat, she sputtered a 'hello' she blurted out, " My, but

you are so *nice*. You aren't anything like your mother " . I said, " I

certainly hope not. "

Nice and not nada,

Rita

" And she'll have fun, fun, fun 'till her daddy takes the keyboard away " .

[Guest guest]

> BUT, my DH said to me not long ago in the midst of a 'disagreement'

that I

> should go look at my face in a mirror, that I 'looked just like my

mother then';

> it was NOT a complement but did make me think about what I was

doing/saying.

> I had to concede that I was using some unfair tactics. Just when I

thought

> I'd worked through all my childhood garbage, I realized that I've

retained more

> of it. It might be that we rely on those old coping strategies

learned in

> childhood without realizing we are doing it until someone

courageous, who cares

> about us, makes us look at it.

And see I don't think I could even see the support in this... I

guess because I try so hard to completely separate myself from my

mom. Whereas who she is comes from the fact that she wears her

life's tragedies on her sleeve, constantly needing, wanting,

expecting people to care for and pay attention to her; I push

everything away so as to avoid doing what she does, probably to the

point where I do not allow myself to get help when it would not

be " mom-like " to do so. When I am unfair to people, when I respond

harshly and when I judge people, I take responsibility for that, I

don't say " well this is because of my mom and my awful childhood " .

Again I guess that is to be anti-her, to NOT blame anything or anyone

besides myself for how I respond. I don't see that as all bad, but

it makes it very difficult for me to come to an understanding of what

parts of me and my coping skills (or mechanisms) are due to my mom,

are due to bad experiences in my life that I have pushed away, or are

due to a character defect/flaw that is solely my responsibility.

I guess I would rather think that I have been in complete control of

myself and my actions than buy into my 'childhood' tragedies as being

to blame. Therein lies the risk of becoming like her, thinking like

her, and passing along my personal responsibility to her.

[Guest guest]

> Oh, God.... some time ago my therapist did an imitation of

> me getting irritated, and she was doing my mother as the

> witch. It scared me sh!tless and I honestly didn't know

> what to do with myself. Or with my therapy, for that

> matter. I feel like what I have gotten out of therapy so

> far is a huge lessening of self-esteem, loss of power, and

> no sign of how to change things.

I can totally relate to this... With my therapist, I spent the first

few months talking endlessly and receiving very little feedback

except some slight affirmations in regards to my thoughts or

actions. Then, the one session I decide it's time for HER to do a

little more talking, she starts asking whether we should cut back on

sessions because she thought I was uncomfortable and that's why I

wasn't saying much. SHE was uncomfortable. Don't these people

realize that some of us go to therapy because WE don't know exactly

what to do to make things better???

But anyway the part I related to is feeling worse since the therapy

began. That's either because I expected more and am disappointed or

because I have never had to focus on myself and in some ways I think

it's actually better for me to not have to rewind my whole life in

order to get some help. Is it wrong to think that we can start with

the now, with the reactions to problems and helping to modify that

without having to pinpoint exactly what caused the problem? It just

makes me feel so hopeless and less confident and less encouraged when

I come out of therapy asking more questions than when I went in.

Like maybe I am being told to be like my mom and create problems

where they don't exist. Normally I will do what is expected of me

but in this instance, it's interrupting my sleep and I'm getting

headaches and I'm feeling worse than I ever have about myself. It

just doesn't seem that it's supposed to be like that.