Mothers, relationships, and random thoughts

[Guest guest]

I posted a little on the role model thread, but when it comes down to

it for me, what I wanted more than any role model was a mother.

Especially in my situation, where I had no other parent and was

extremely aware of the problems with my mother early on, I feel that

I had a much-older sister rather than a mother. And I know maybe

that's not the biggest tragedy in all of this, but in many ways I

just did not have a mother. I find that in some relationships I feel

the need to be mothered almost and it's irritating to me let alone to

whoever the other person is-- I have had no successful relationship

with a man and I keep my friends at an arm's length for fear of

expecting too much from them. It's like I'm aware that I need much

more than it would be fair to ask any other human being to provide to

me. And I don't know what to do with that-- I either push people

away or suffocate them. That's a reason I've pushed most men away--

I don't want to EVER need ANYONE as much as my mom needed a 'man',

and I don't want to EVER let ANYONE treat me as badly as people who

grow up in my situation often let men treat them. Which is a whole

OTHER subject, but sometimes I feel like this is who I am and it's

never going to get better, and I'm constantly practicing damage

control to avoid allowing myself to hurt people like my mom hurts

everyone she supposedly loves. My whole life is about depriving

myself because it's worth it if it means people don't have to suffer

because of me. I never really feel like a very good person.

I have been extremely comforted by being on this list and just

reading the messages, as well as reading the couple of replies to

me. I just hope I can figure things out because I'm starting to get

this feeling that I just have to settle for how things are, not ever

expect anything better, and be ready to take whatever consequences

dealt to me because of it. My life has already been to a certain

extent ruined by some of my pathetic and stupid decisions relating to

my mother, and I have trouble getting passed the shame and feeling

stupid and guilty and not knowing WHO is the most important person to

please. It is just exhausting sometimes.

Thanks for listening to me go on and on.