So Alone

[Guest guest]

I have never felt so alone as I do tonight.  And, I don't know where else to

turn.  So, please excuse my " feeling sorry for myself " vent.

Today the Doctor called about my daughter, and the ENTIRE team agrees that a

hemispherectomy is advised.  I had held out hope that at least ONE or TWO of the

doctors would say no - maybe even the neurosurgeon.  That would make the

decision for me. 

That was not to be.  So, the doc calls. My husband is working on the car - and I

am dealing with a screaming three year old while trying to talk to the doctor

and ask question.  Then, when I'm finished talking I come out to tell him.  I

start - and he says " Can you run to the parts store for me?  Oh, sorry.  Go

ahead. "   Ok, now I know that men cope differently - but I was sitting there with

tears running down my face.  That all happened 6 hours ago.  He still will not

talk about it - beyond, wow, that's going to be hard. 

I call my " best friend " who claims to love my daughter like she is her own.  She

says " I'm at a friends house.  Let me call you right back. "   She asks if I'm

okay and I say No. I'm not.  Because, well, I'm not.  Didn't hear back from her.

At all.  Again 6 hours ago.

Then I call my daughter's father.  Yes, her FATHER.  Who at the beginning told

me this was all my decision and he trusted me to do what was best.  Hasn't

spoken to me since.  Has only talked to our daughter twice in 2 months.  I had

to call his BROTHER to get him to call me.  And I get " I'm in line at the

pharmacy, let me call you back. "   That was 5 hours ago - and he is not answering

his phone.

What have I done in my life that is making me face all of this so alone?  The

people who should be standing by me have all suddenly disappeared and there is

only me - and the thoughts that keep going around in my head.....

I'm sorry for the pity rant.  But, I just am so tired of facing all of this

alone - and I don't know how much more I can take. I feel like everything is

coming too fast all at once.

Thank you for tolerating my self pity and whining.