Choices, honesty and empowerment

[Guest guest]

I have realized over the past few months that some of the

characteristics of my mother have resinated within me. When I first

realized she was bp, I was on one side of the fence and she was on

another. She was bp and I was not. Since then I have let go of some

of the labels and simply looked at the situation with honesty and a

committment to find the real me and change what isn't me. I don't

want to be a victim of anything or anyone anymore. Within me and all

of us is the power to change and create our selves and our happiness.

The difference between a bp and me is not behavior, but the ability

to be honest about the behavior and the willingness to change. I

don't believe change happens by focusing on what we don't want, but

by acting the way we DO want. And I have realized that I was getting

a reward by holding onto some of my FOO behaviors/beliefs. By

believing that I was limited by my foo, I didn't have to take risks

and break out of the destructive patterns. I didn't have to take

responsibility for my life. Today I am able to say that I have some

bp characteristics and while I may not have them to the degree of a

bp, I am not free of insecurity, emotional imbalances, fear of

abandonment/rejection, etc. In order to let go of a behavior I must

not only see it, but own it. I was raised by a bp mother. It seems

only likely that I would have some of her traits/tendencies and for a

long time I was not willing to see that. I felt like if I had ANY

tendencies like her, then I was a a bp or all bad (I think thats a

tendency in itself: black & white thinking.)So it feels like I have

come full circle (within this circle anyway). I began feeling

responsible and angry at my mother and now I feel responsible for

myself and I feel some compassion for her. I have a vision of my

highest self and I choose to live that today knowing that I have the

power to be whomever I choose, regardless of my past. It is tough to

act differently than I always have in a certain situation. It feels

scary and uncomfortable and there is resistance, but I believe that

when I do it anyway, I plug into that real part of myself that was

lost so many years ago. I remember that person and her enthusiasm for

life and her joy. I also believe that as I heal myself I am helping

to heal the past and future and that is a great motivator.