Guest guest Posted November 29, 2003 Report Share Posted November 29, 2003 Hey gang, I got a response back from nada yesterday. I mentioned in a post on Nov. 18 that I had sent her a letter telling her I thought she had BPD and then I blackmailed her by telling her to get help or leave me alone. Most of you told me not to expect much and I haven't. In reading her response, I don't know what to think now. I think she may be playing the 'I'm such a loving mother and I'm so happy we can talk about this' card, but she really doesn't say much. Here are some excerpts, tell me what you think. My Dear Tammy, I am thrilled and encouraged by your letter. I like this correspondence. Writing - we can't interrupt each other (face-to- face she does all the talking and I do all the crying) and lose and not profit from important thoughts. We can share in completeness. I hope you will bear with me thru this. I am, however, open to new ideas. And some you have mentioned (I don't know which ones she's referring to) I agree with. Thank you for your understanding and your concern for my mental health. Yes, Tammy, I recognize I am a defective human being. I know that now. I haven't always. I used to assume I was normal. (She thought it was 'normal' to beat the shit out of me?) I was deeply impressed by the title of the book you read. " Borderline Mother " . As I look back on our lives together - that seems to describe me precisely. I feel now that I was so inattentive to you that borderline mother (caregiver) was exactly what I was. You were so often in the background - the boys in the foreground. If I could go back and change that I would - and I have in my mind. I've replayed scenes in which I respond to you in a more appropriate, loving way. I could have done it all better! But at the time I didn't know how! I will look at the websites you mentioned. (I told her about bpdcentral.com and 1-800therapist.com) I hope there are some new treatments - other than drug therapy. (I also told her about DBT or dialectical behavior therapy) Thank you for the letter, for loving me, for caring enough to want to help me. I think I've done much to improve my mental health over the past 30 years. But I'm sure room for improvement still exists. I am very proud of what you have done with your life and I'm certain you will emerge from this difficulty a stronger more highly evolved being - and I will love you as I have always loved you. And perhaps I will be capable of loving you even more. I look forward to being your friend, forever. Love and Blessings, Your Mother My gut instincts are screaming at me that she STILL refuses to acknowledge the abuse. No where in this letter or the last one does she admit to it. If she wants us to be friends, she has to acknowledge the abuse. She can admit she's 'defective' but she can't seem to bring herself to admit she's also a criminal. I have pointed out to her that child abuse is a crime and she is guilty of that crime. I have written a response, but I haven't mailed it yet. In it I am very adamant that she acknowledge SPECIFICALLY the abuse. Am I living a pipe dream here? Is it worth the effort? What do you guys think? Tammy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 29, 2003 Report Share Posted November 29, 2003 That's an inspired response. I did the same thing with my mom, she wanted to write and part of my communication included that the only way we could continue writing was if she was getting therapy during our times of communication. I wanted her to get at least 6 months of therapy. She agreed, but then fell off the program twice. She said that I was abusive for bringing up issues of the past and that she didn't respect what I had to say. I can understand some of it because I did let her see the pain and anger it caused. Tried to be objective and explain it from a problem/solution base...but it still is a sensitive subject. My mom can put on a great " mother of the year/martyr " show and also knows how to write the right things. Your letter seems a little more sincere than the ones I was getting because your mom accepts blame and validates your point of view and that's pretty good--now if she gets help, you'll know she is walking the walk. My mom would always drop out about session 6 of therapy--I think that was where the facade started to come down. The letter is very nice and loving, cautious optomism I think...tiki Letter from Nada Hey gang, I got a response back from nada yesterday. I mentioned in a post on Nov. 18 that I had sent her a letter telling her I thought she had BPD and then I blackmailed her by telling her to get help or leave me alone. Most of you told me not to expect much and I haven't. In reading her response, I don't know what to think now. I think she may be playing the 'I'm such a loving mother and I'm so happy we can talk about this' card, but she really doesn't say much. Here are some excerpts, tell me what you think. My Dear Tammy, I am thrilled and encouraged by your letter. I like this correspondence. Writing - we can't interrupt each other (face-to- face she does all the talking and I do all the crying) and lose and not profit from important thoughts. We can share in completeness. I hope you will bear with me thru this. I am, however, open to new ideas. And some you have mentioned (I don't know which ones she's referring to) I agree with. Thank you for your understanding and your concern for my mental health. Yes, Tammy, I recognize I am a defective human being. I know that now. I haven't always. I used to assume I was normal. (She thought it was 'normal' to beat the shit out of me?) I was deeply impressed by the title of the book you read. " Borderline Mother " . As I look back on our lives together - that seems to describe me precisely. I feel now that I was so inattentive to you that borderline mother (caregiver) was exactly what I was. You were so often in the background - the boys in the foreground. If I could go back and change that I would - and I have in my mind. I've replayed scenes in which I respond to you in a more appropriate, loving way. I could have done it all better! But at the time I didn't know how! I will look at the websites you mentioned. (I told her about bpdcentral.com and 1-800therapist.com) I hope there are some new treatments - other than drug therapy. (I also told her about DBT or dialectical behavior therapy) Thank you for the letter, for loving me, for caring enough to want to help me. I think I've done much to improve my mental health over the past 30 years. But I'm sure room for improvement still exists. I am very proud of what you have done with your life and I'm certain you will emerge from this difficulty a stronger more highly evolved being - and I will love you as I have always loved you. And perhaps I will be capable of loving you even more. I look forward to being your friend, forever. Love and Blessings, Your Mother My gut instincts are screaming at me that she STILL refuses to acknowledge the abuse. No where in this letter or the last one does she admit to it. If she wants us to be friends, she has to acknowledge the abuse. She can admit she's 'defective' but she can't seem to bring herself to admit she's also a criminal. I have pointed out to her that child abuse is a crime and she is guilty of that crime. I have written a response, but I haven't mailed it yet. In it I am very adamant that she acknowledge SPECIFICALLY the abuse. Am I living a pipe dream here? Is it worth the effort? What do you guys think? Tammy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 30, 2003 Report Share Posted November 30, 2003 Tammy, My recommendation is to accept and acknowledge the good in your mother's letter and not insist that she acknowledge anything. If she really looks at the web sites or starts therapy she may see herself more clearly and won't have you to blame directly for it. I think this is essential in our recovery. We can learn to accept the scraps of good that occasionally come from our BPD parents, without expecting more or opening ourselves up for disappointment. - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 30, 2003 Report Share Posted November 30, 2003 well said! tiki Re: Letter from Nada Tammy, My recommendation is to accept and acknowledge the good in your mother's letter and not insist that she acknowledge anything. If she really looks at the web sites or starts therapy she may see herself more clearly and won't have you to blame directly for it. I think this is essential in our recovery. We can learn to accept the scraps of good that occasionally come from our BPD parents, without expecting more or opening ourselves up for disappointment. - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 30, 2003 Report Share Posted November 30, 2003 Dear Tammy, I rarely respond anymore and often don't have time to keep up with the list like I used to , but your letter got to me. Years ago I read a book called Toxic Parents by Forward. She writes about writing to your parent and about what kind of responses most of her patients received. I think you might find the book very interesting at this juncture. Just curious when you confronted her did you mention abuse? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 30, 2003 Report Share Posted November 30, 2003 > Tammy, > > My recommendation is to accept and acknowledge the good in your > mother's letter and not insist that she acknowledge anything. If she > really looks at the web sites or starts therapy she may see herself > more clearly and won't have you to blame directly for it. > > I think this is essential in our recovery. We can learn to accept > the scraps of good that occasionally come from our BPD parents, > without expecting more or opening ourselves up for disappointment. > > - Dan Thanks Dan, you made a valid point. I think I'll give it some more time because I am definitely opening myself up for more disappointments if it doesn't work. I think the wise thing to do at this point is to follow her timetable instead of my own. I've had several months to research this stuff and absorb some of the less- pleasant aspects of it. If I were in her shoes, I would have a very hard time swallowing some of the more negative aspects of her behavior. If I try to shove it down her throat, she'll just lash out - not that I would blame her, ya know? Thanks again for the sage advice! Tammy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 30, 2003 Report Share Posted November 30, 2003 > Dear Tammy, > I rarely respond anymore and often don't have time to keep up with the list > like I used to , but your letter got to me. Years ago I read a book called > Toxic Parents by Forward. She writes about writing to your parent and > about what kind of responses most of her patients received. I think you might > find the book very interesting at this juncture. Just curious when you > confronted her did you mention abuse? > I did more than just mention the abuse, I cited specific examples and told her that she what she did to me was unnatural, immoral, and illegal. I told her that she should have gone to prison, that it was called assault and battery and that child abuse is a felony. I will definitely check out the book. Thanks for the info. Tammy > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 30, 2003 Report Share Posted November 30, 2003 Hey Tammy, I agree with Dan that you should embrace the good things about this letter and there really are some good things. It does seem far too easy or too sugar coated somehow, but it is certainly a a barve response for someone with BPD. As you say, there are some tough days ahead for her if she is to take this diagnosos seriously. If she does seek help and works hard, she can get better, so I would encourage you to give some positive reinforcement to her scknowledgement of your feelings and openess to change (no matter how syrupy it is). I think boundaries have to work both ways or they become walls. I'm really happy for you that a glimmer of progress is at least possible! I don't even have the guts to bring up BPD with my Nada, for fear her head would explode. She was diagnosed with BPD by a psychologist (whom she promptly fired and ran from in a rage, naturally) almost 7 years ago. It is still something she brings up during rages (who in the family defended her sanity and who took my father's side in " labeling her a borderline. " ) She always defended herself in saying " Do you see any cuts on my wrists? " as if that were the only criteria. But I digress. My point, is, you should celebrate this progress, no matter how temporary it may be. Blessings, years ago > > Tammy, > > > > My recommendation is to accept and acknowledge the good in your > > mother's letter and not insist that she acknowledge anything. If > she > > really looks at the web sites or starts therapy she may see herself > > more clearly and won't have you to blame directly for it. > > > > I think this is essential in our recovery. We can learn to accept > > the scraps of good that occasionally come from our BPD parents, > > without expecting more or opening ourselves up for disappointment. > > > > - Dan > > Thanks Dan, you made a valid point. I think I'll give it some more > time because I am definitely opening myself up for more > disappointments if it doesn't work. I think the wise thing to do at > this point is to follow her timetable instead of my own. I've had > several months to research this stuff and absorb some of the less- > pleasant aspects of it. If I were in her shoes, I would have a very > hard time swallowing some of the more negative aspects of her > behavior. If I try to shove it down her throat, she'll just lash > out - not that I would blame her, ya know? > > Thanks again for the sage advice! > > Tammy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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