Re: Mothers, relationships, and random thoughts

[Guest guest]

i was just thinking about that today-- i had friends who considered their mother

their absolute best friend--they would talk, do nice things together--my mom

would say that the kid was spoiled and she'd never do that. i agree with

you--everyone needs a present, loving and protective mother that thinks you walk

on water. It's a big hole that no role model can fill, it's only a job for a

mother. and you're not alone in wanting that. i wanted it more than anything.

tiki

Mothers, relationships, and random thoughts

I posted a little on the role model thread, but when it comes down to

it for me, what I wanted more than any role model was a mother.

Especially in my situation, where I had no other parent and was

extremely aware of the problems with my mother early on, I feel that

I had a much-older sister rather than a mother. And I know maybe

that's not the biggest tragedy in all of this, but in many ways I

just did not have a mother. I find that in some relationships I feel

the need to be mothered almost and it's irritating to me let alone to

whoever the other person is-- I have had no successful relationship

with a man and I keep my friends at an arm's length for fear of

expecting too much from them. It's like I'm aware that I need much

more than it would be fair to ask any other human being to provide to

me. And I don't know what to do with that-- I either push people

away or suffocate them. That's a reason I've pushed most men away--

I don't want to EVER need ANYONE as much as my mom needed a 'man',

and I don't want to EVER let ANYONE treat me as badly as people who

grow up in my situation often let men treat them. Which is a whole

OTHER subject, but sometimes I feel like this is who I am and it's

never going to get better, and I'm constantly practicing damage

control to avoid allowing myself to hurt people like my mom hurts

everyone she supposedly loves. My whole life is about depriving

myself because it's worth it if it means people don't have to suffer

because of me. I never really feel like a very good person.

I have been extremely comforted by being on this list and just

reading the messages, as well as reading the couple of replies to

me. I just hope I can figure things out because I'm starting to get

this feeling that I just have to settle for how things are, not ever

expect anything better, and be ready to take whatever consequences

dealt to me because of it. My life has already been to a certain

extent ruined by some of my pathetic and stupid decisions relating to

my mother, and I have trouble getting passed the shame and feeling

stupid and guilty and not knowing WHO is the most important person to

please. It is just exhausting sometimes.

Thanks for listening to me go on and on.

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[Guest guest]

Again, I hear you, I can relate.

My mom said that I didn't trust her because I have a " trust issue "

due to things other than her (she's so mean!). Usually, that refers

to a person being afraid to be close to others because they are

afraid of getting hurt by them.

I've never heard of a name for the fear of hurting others. I have at

times been totally consumed by the fear that my every move is

potentially dangerous, especially to those I love. I've been

suicidal over it before. I've laid in bed, thinking, " Oh boy -

another day to fail in, another day to hurt those I love, another day

to do more evil than good. I wish I could just stay here in bed and

never have to hurt anyone. " I'm not afraid of being hurt - that I

can deal with, no problem (it's my duty, right? - I mean, that's what

my brain says because of how I was raised). But I'm so afraid that

I'll hurt others the way my mom hurt me.

Somehow, I've (over time) become convinced that I'm just not the same

as her, and that I'm not a curse to the world.

I still don't have any true words of support or advice or whatever.

I wish so much that I did! But, you're not alone in your fears and

wants.

Kya-Amorita

> I posted a little on the role model thread, but when it comes down

to

> it for me, what I wanted more than any role model was a mother.

> Especially in my situation, where I had no other parent and was

> extremely aware of the problems with my mother early on, I feel

that

> I had a much-older sister rather than a mother. And I know maybe

> that's not the biggest tragedy in all of this, but in many ways I

> just did not have a mother. I find that in some relationships I

feel

> the need to be mothered almost and it's irritating to me let alone

to

> whoever the other person is-- I have had no successful

relationship

> with a man and I keep my friends at an arm's length for fear of

> expecting too much from them. It's like I'm aware that I need much

> more than it would be fair to ask any other human being to provide

to

> me. And I don't know what to do with that-- I either push people

> away or suffocate them. That's a reason I've pushed most men away--

> I don't want to EVER need ANYONE as much as my mom needed a 'man',

> and I don't want to EVER let ANYONE treat me as badly as people who

> grow up in my situation often let men treat them. Which is a whole

> OTHER subject, but sometimes I feel like this is who I am and it's

> never going to get better, and I'm constantly practicing damage

> control to avoid allowing myself to hurt people like my mom hurts

> everyone she supposedly loves. My whole life is about depriving

> myself because it's worth it if it means people don't have to

suffer

> because of me. I never really feel like a very good person.

>

> I have been extremely comforted by being on this list and just

> reading the messages, as well as reading the couple of replies to

> me. I just hope I can figure things out because I'm starting to

get

> this feeling that I just have to settle for how things are, not

ever

> expect anything better, and be ready to take whatever consequences

> dealt to me because of it. My life has already been to a certain

> extent ruined by some of my pathetic and stupid decisions relating

to

> my mother, and I have trouble getting passed the shame and feeling

> stupid and guilty and not knowing WHO is the most important person

to

> please. It is just exhausting sometimes.

>

> Thanks for listening to me go on and on.