New & Venting

[Guest guest]

My Dad and Mom moved across the street from us 7 years ago when my

Dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Being even closer was

something we all wanted. We wanted to be there if we were needed to

help out and this was a nice arrangement at the time. I felt very

close to my Dad. We thought very much alike. He was a hoot and I

enjoyed his company. We didn't need to check in with each other

everyday there were no demands we just enjoyed each other.

I always thought I was close to my Mother as well, but she and I are

so different that she can really rub me the wrong way. She is overly

concerned with looks and pretentious stuff. My Dad died only 9

months after they had lived there. That was a little over 6 years

ago. At the time both of my kids were still living at home.

The first year I tried to really tend to my Mom by spending a lot of

time with her and including her in almost everything we did. My

heart was breaking from the loss of my Dad but I tried to focus on my

Mother and her loss. There were times I would have rather it would

have been only my husband myself and my children alone (my husband

would have preferred it that way for sure) but I felt she needed to

be very close with us at this time. I am the only child. She is an

only child and so was my Dad. That makes for a very small family. I

felt I should cater to her and we did. She had something that needed

tending then we took care of it. We included her in most everything.

The problem is she gives me no credit for any of this. She truly

beleives I have done nothing for her. She asked me what I thought I

had done for her one time. She said she has tried to be helpful to

me. She truly thinks the special attention she has received is

because she is so F@*%$$! special. My husband would disagree. He

would say that she is especially annoying.

She is retired and spends 90% of her time doing exactly what

she wants to do and I am happy for her but by God she has the nerve

to try and act like she is working her ass off. She is so tired every

time she is around me and then she is in such a big hurry out the

door after she has wasted much of my time hearing absolutely

everything she has been doing and all about so and so and this and

that until I want to scream. The minute I try to get a word in she

is out the door . . . . she just hates it but she has to be some

where now.

She brown noses my husband though I never get any credit for anything

I do. Does she think my kids and husband would have voluntarily been

so attentive to her needs without me shoving them over there most of

the times? I have actually had days where she will come in and I

might be on the verge of collapsing I'm so tired and stressed out

with demands anyone with an inkling of care for me could see it. I'm

glad she is having fun but do I have to hear every detail of

everything she does. All her thoughts and on and on and on. My

husband can walk in and she will say something like Oh He looks so

tired he just works so hard and I want to scream yes and can you see

that I am about to drop too. My husband can't stand to hear her

ramble on and she doesn't seem to notice that he usually leaves the

room shortly after she starts into a story. I on the other hand

can't do that it would be disrespectful.

It starts out each day when she brings me the newspaper first thing

every morning. She will wait until my husband leaves. Many of these

morning talks have turned into explosions on my part. Then I get the

silent treatment and then she will play the martyr. How can I hurt

her so bad? Unfortunately I have a really bad temper I will wait

until this bothers me to the point of a nervous breakdown. I can't

criticize the woman in any way shape or form because I have seen what

the results of that are. You criticize her and you get the look of

hate like you've never seen and then you get to hear how wrong you

are and how downright cruel your are and how really good she is. The

days to follow you will have to be made to feel like you are shit and

should be so ashamed of yourself. The lights will be turned low at

her house as though she is in a deep depression of some kind that is

of your making. You are just so awful. This scene has been played

out so many times. This sort of crap has gone on my entire life.

What I am learning is it's all part of the game she plays. To keep

me doing exactly as she wants me to do. During the blowups (I am the

one who finally blows up. I am bad like my Dad. He would have fits

of rage) of the last year I have heard her say maybe she should

move. She does it in a way to make me feel like poor Mom I am so

terrible she has to move. She will really be able to play the martyr

thing for ever if she moves. I am getting to the point I don't even

care. I have screamed at her in the heat of these encounters to move

PLEASE!!!!!!MOVE!!!!!! We are looking to move but we really love our

home and our neighborhood we have been here for 15 years and we can't

find a house or area we like as well that we can afford right now.

If we move it will probably mean we will have to work longer until we

will be able to retire because to find a home similar for the price

won't be possible for us we have tried and know it will cost more for

another similar home. Our daughter lives just a few block from

here. She is expecting her first baby and her husband has just

decided he doesn't think he wants to be married anymore. It would

have been a short drive for her to get here. I will probably be

watching the baby our first grandchild when she goes back to work.

That is the other thing my Mother seems to have some sort of

competition with me and any other relationships I have. Here she has

tons of friends and a new boyfriend and she will still try to get all

into my kids business like she is just as much their mother or

something. Anytime I have told her that this is my family she says

it is her family too. I tell her yes but there is but there is a

difference. My grandmothers weren't all up our butts when I was

growing up. There would have never been allowed to be involved in

some things that were just between us. But now she doesn't see it

that way. No everything always changes to suit her present needs.

She will lie and even go behind my back and undermine me to my

husband children and grandmothers. I have seen it happen recently.

The new thing is the boyfriend who is an old family friend which

makes it even weirder. He is a nice man. But GEEZE she cannot cram

him and his family down my throat far enough. She works him or them

into every conversation somehow. It's all that's on her mind and it

is so transparent what she is trying to do. The reason she is

working so hard on this is because this is where I draw the line. I

am happy she has someone to have fun with and a companion that's

great. Thank God she has other stuff to do most of the time

otherwise I'd be completely crazy. Mom has always needing a lot of

stroking and I am just so tired, she doesn't even realize it. I have

never in my life met anyone who could tell a story of some sort each

time that nearly always leads to them bragging about themself in one

way or another. As a child I found it embarrassing as an adult it

annoys me. I feel she is very insecure somewhere deep down but If I

ever dared mentioned it . . OMG look out. It's very confusing. My

new problem is it hurts like hell every time I see her and her

boyfriend together as a couple. It's every F$$$!!! day and night.

All this from a woman who is so damn tired she just can't stand it

when she is at something with our family over here she must leave

early. It amazes me that she has the stamina for all this late night

stuff now. I realize she is in some sort of heaven at the moment

with all the new attention. Well, Good for her. She seems to need a

great deal of attention & compliments to be happy. Life is wonderful

as long as it is all about her and I am glad if she can have those

needs met for a while somewhere else. It just makes life easier for

me. Apparently this mans family is so wonderful (UNLIKE ME). His

family is apparently just crazy about her an include her in

everything. I am a bad person because I am not bending far enough to

make her happy. It has been made absolutely clear to me that I ought

to include him in all our family occasions and holidays. Look I have

ate dinner with him and my Mother on several occasions. I went to

the Birthday party he threw for her and felt so uncomfortable and

awkward. I do things that I don't enjoy often enough to make her

happy but I know it's never going to be enough until I put him into

my inner private just-family times. If he comes she will be so

pretentious it will make me sick not to mention the fact that it

hurts my heart. These are personal -private family times that I

don't feel like I should have to share with someone I don't know that

well. It will just makes the rest of us feel uncomfortable. I made

her unhappy when my son turned 21 she asked to bring her friend out

to dinner with us that evening. I said

I'd rather it just be family tonight. I'm am still hurting over my

Dad he thought so much of his grandson. I miss him terribly and I

felt like if he couldn't be with us on that special occasion then I

didn't want another man there. Her friend doesn't even know my Son.

Since when does my Mother have to have a date to go to a family

function? I tell her how I feel. I've told her I am happy for her

but I can't help feeling hurt when I see them together. Why should

I have to have them both now stuck in the middle of everything my

family does together? Don't my feelings count for anything? Isn't

the 24-7 with him enough? Can't we have our little ritual family

thing just be family? I am tired of doing what makes her happy all

the time and she so obviously doesn't care a damn bit if I'm happy or

not. Never ever has. She knows my heart is still broken over my Dad.

He was my buddy, we could hang together. He could make things fun

and he could also keep my Mother real somehow. She is another story

without him. I don't even know who she is to tell you the truth. I

don't think we have much of anything in common. The social scene

really turns her on and the more affluent she thinks someone is the

more she is enamored with them. The way she acts sickens me. I am

not into this at all.

What she wants always takes precedent over what I want. I have

always been slotted into a small time frame. I've always felt as

though when she does something for me for my Birthday or something it

will have to be fitted into her busy schedule. It always been that

way.

Now I am made to feel like something is wrong with me and this man's

children are just wonderful. @#$$, if she wanted more family why

didn't she have another child. I begged her to when I was a child.

I was a latch key kid and I would have liked to have shared my

childhood with someone. She hates it when I point that out. I

always knew the day would come when I had no family left. Children

can be and are work and they can take time away from you BUT THEY

ARE SO VERY VERY WORTH IT . . THERE IS NOTHING MORE PRECIOUS OR

IMPORTANT. It would have cramped her style to have more children.

Heck, I cramped her style and knew it. She was to self centered to do

the kid thing again . . . . to much self sacrifice involved there.

Now, she has found this wonderful family that will be put on such a

pedestal like many people before them. I don't want to be a part of

any of this. I wish her well but I just want her to leave me alone.

All the fake B.S. for show just sickens me. I don't have the time or

energy for this nonsense. Nothing personal to her friend , I like

him and will be with them on occasion. Isn't that enough. Thanks

giving she tried to work him in in a sneaky way and it backfired. I

got mad, not so much because he was going to be here but becasue she

lied and twisted things around for it to get to that. I called her

on it and she said she never said any of the things she said. Long

story short, I was not duped. The lieing stuff back fired on her

and I blew up completely. She chose to not come to Thanksgiving

dinner mostly in hopes that everyone would feel just terrible for her

abscence. This actually freed her up to spend the entire with him and

his family. It turned into a WIN- WIN situation for her. She got to

play the martyr and do what she really wanted to be doing

anyhow . . . . be with him and his family where she is being treated

extra special. For us It was one of the most peaceful holidays

we've had. No one monopolising the conversation very loudly. We had

a quiet peacful day and just sort of relaxed and layed around and

watched TV together later. Something she could never do . . .

Relax. It is something nearly impossible to do when she is there.

Isn't it just awful? God this is my Mother I'm talking about!! But

it's all absolutly true. She really beleves she does nothing but

good for me. OH MY GOD. How much manipulation I've had to deal

with. She wants me to be just like her and I am NOT!!!

I don't want to be. I don't do the phonney bologna bit. I am not

going to get up at 6:00 in the morning to have extra time to spend on

my hair and makeup. I don't have to work at being extra cute and

pretty. If you don't think I'm looking good enough I don't care.

Appearing extra attractive at all times is not a priority to me. She

has worried me about her hair and looks all my life. I've had to

assure her about this stuff all through my chiuldhood. I learned

that her hair and her appearance are monumentally important. She

is attractive.

Isn't that enough. Geeze!!!

Impressing other people is not important to me. I am what I am. I'm

OK the way I am. I'm just fine the way I am. I don't want to watch

her act fake with other people and I will not join in. That is what

makes her continually work on me. All this just makes me miss my Dad

that much more which she really seems to resent. God I want her to

just leave me alone but feel guilty at the same time for feeling this

way. I love my Mother but she is drving me crazy. I hate it when I

hurt her feelings but I am now recognizing that I have always put her

feelings ahead of my own. Then I finally will have some ugly

outburst. . When will my feelings matter to her? When will my

life or my feelings be as important as hers?

Christmas is pretty much screwed up and I will be the one responsible

for that.