Re: Holly - compassion vs guilt

[Guest guest]

I, too was full of guilt if " mother wasn't happy " until a therapist said what

about you? it isn't your responsibility to make your parents happy or fix

their problems.

D.

In a message dated 8/8/2003 12:08:50 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

MKane29041@... writes:

> or anyone else with this experience,

> That is exactly my dilemma. This is all very new to me and if I

> called my mom and she was in one of her moods I would solve her

> problem, visit, take a gift or all 3. This would last for a while and

> it would be another problem.

> I called this moring and she was complaining about everything. I

> said " Yeah I'm sure that bothers you " , she cuts the conversation

> short and now I feel guilty. I usually would call back to see if she

> is better or go visit.

> It's only been a week since I started letting her with her

> problems. The first few days this happened she would call back in a

> few hours in a good mood. I just feel so guilty not helping her, does

> it ever get better. You seem to be further along in this journey.

> Thanks for any info. Have a great day! -

>

[Guest guest]

I used to try to solve all my Mother's problems - until I realized I was

parenting her. Now if she presents me with a problem, (or a 1000), I say,

" That's

rough, how are YOU going to deal with it? "

I have always felt very compassionate towards my Mother. Even when I was a

little girl, I used to feel sorry for her that she was unable to get me out of

the orphanage - but looking back, I guess that was a defense mechanism. If I

told myself she Couldn't come and get me, it was a whole lot better than

believing she Wouldn't. I still feel sorry for her - I just can't beleive a

happy

person could have made her choices.

.

[Guest guest]

or anyone else with this experience,

That is exactly my dilemma. This is all very new to me and if I

called my mom and she was in one of her moods I would solve her

problem, visit, take a gift or all 3. This would last for a while and

it would be another problem.

I called this moring and she was complaining about everything. I

said " Yeah I'm sure that bothers you " , she cuts the conversation

short and now I feel guilty. I usually would call back to see if she

is better or go visit.

It's only been a week since I started letting her with her

problems. The first few days this happened she would call back in a

few hours in a good mood. I just feel so guilty not helping her, does

it ever get better. You seem to be further along in this journey.

Thanks for any info. Have a great day! -

[Guest guest]

Hi . Yes, the guilt does get easier and it seems to come in

waves (get out your big surf board and hold on for dear life, because

you can ride it out). Clarity has a way of diffusing what is false

(guilt)and I think when we are ready to receive it, clarity comes

with a vengance. And then it's like..ooohhh..I get it, it is all so

clear now. So its like turning a corner, everything looks different

and is clear and that is the moment of truth. And once we see it and

know it, it becomes harder to fool ourselves into believing the old

lies. One day we think we could never walk away and the next day

we're walking. And then comes the guilt, anger, more anger,

grief...and on and on. But we are healing and had I stayed I would be

going through a bunch of abuse/frustration with no end in sight. Even

though recovery is difficult, it has a purpose and meaning and I am

healing and getting stronger and I hold on tightly to that. -

> or anyone else with this experience,

> That is exactly my dilemma. This is all very new to me and if

I

> called my mom and she was in one of her moods I would solve her

> problem, visit, take a gift or all 3. This would last for a while

and

> it would be another problem.

> I called this moring and she was complaining about everything.

I

> said " Yeah I'm sure that bothers you " , she cuts the conversation

> short and now I feel guilty. I usually would call back to see if

she

> is better or go visit.

> It's only been a week since I started letting her with her

> problems. The first few days this happened she would call back in a

> few hours in a good mood. I just feel so guilty not helping her,

does

> it ever get better. You seem to be further along in this journey.

> Thanks for any info. Have a great day! -

[Guest guest]

your insight is wonderful, thanks for the encouragement

and support. Wish me luck. -