Re: nada & fada tricks and helpers

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

BLECH. That whole scene sounds so typically FOO. Your sister crossed

some serious boundaries there, she knew where you stood with your

parents and yet she let your nada use her account to reach you?

That's precisely why I have so little contact with most of my FOO,

they're like a big spiderweb, you can't have contact with one of them

without getting tangled up in the whole family mess again. I'm sorry

that you have to deal with that junk, especially on the holidays (but

it seems that's when the FOO likes to strike). Having a nada and a

fada is bad enough, it really hurts when the people who SHOULD be on

your side - your siblings - desert you like that. The FOO can hurt

just as much as nada/fada.

As for your bf, I'll be careful here because I don't know what your

relationship is with him, but if he comes from a " normal " family

background, he's probably completely bewildered by what just

happened. When I was dating my husband, I was *fiercely* protective

of him, to the point where he didn't even meet any family members

until I felt our relationship was strong enough, and that he

understood the insanity of my family well enough, to not be totally

shocked by it. Even then, he thought I was exaggerating - until he

actually met them, and nada's witch came out and she raged at me and

disowned me right in front of him, and afterward he looked at me and

said, " I'm so sorry that I ever doubted you " . Interestingly enough, I

put up boundaries to protect him, and that's how I began to realize

the need for my own boundaries.

Protect the people you care about from the mess of the FOO. Protect

your healthy relationships. And protect yourself. Don't be too hard

on yourself for trying to anticipate their reactions - after all,

we're all experts at that and it's HARD to turn it off, especially

around them. But they don't deserve that kind of attention - God

knows you've given them enough of that. Turn your attention to the

people in your life who deserve it.

> My nada tricked my b/f into talking to her, she was online with my

> sister's account and sent him a message, not telling him who she

was,

> so he thought it was my sister. Twenty minutes into the

> conversation, she tells him who it is. She also tells him that my

> brother in law wants him to call him in 30 minutes. B/f gets mad

and

> turns off computer, tells me what happend and that he's not going

to

> call BIL because it may be another " trick. "

>

> BIL calls here, asks bf to come help him move some furniture from

my

> fada's house (who bf and I have no contact with in over a year) to

my

> BIL's house, where nada is (who bf and I have had no contact with

> (knowingly) in over a year.) Bf says OK, figuring he can just

avoid

> nada and fada. We talk about it and I explain to him that it is

not

> likely he would be able to avoid those two idiots. He changes his

> mind about helping and calls BIL and says he " forgot he already has

> plans. "

>

> This annoys me because I figure that BIL (and therefore my sister)

> will think that BF was OK with helping-- until he talked to me.

> Which I guess is true.. But like they'll be angry with me, as if I

> TOLD him to say NO, which I didn't. So then I get mad at BF for

> being wimpy and not just saying " I changed my mind, so NO. " Then

BF

> gets hurt feelings, then I feel bad because I was blaming him for

> what they *might think* his reason for cancelling is. It just

became

> a big stupid mess. I am mad at myself for trying to anticipate

what

> their reaction will be based on what he said and even more mad at

> myself for blaming that on him. He's mad because he's been

tricked,

> first by nada and then by BIL yanking on his " nice helpful guy "

hook

> and also now feels guilty for saying " NO " the " wrong " way, because

> I'd been upset about it. Even though I've apologized and explained

> why I was wrong to do that in the first place.

>

> It is just so infuriating that even though he and I have NO contact

> with nada or fada, here they are in our living room stirring things

> up! I am also really mad and disappointed in BIL and sister

> for " helping " nada and fada get thier crap in here. They both know

> that BF and I have chosen not to have contact with fada and nada,

yet

> they still allow her to use sister's screen name AND pass messages

> through her AND ask my BF to do a favor for fada! I don't even

trust

> them enough to tell them that I have a problem with any of this. I

> feel like running away again and changing my name. I'm so angry

that

> it seems like no matter what I do, I end up spending time and

energy

> dealing with these two people, just not in the first person.

>

> I really thought I would have been able to deal with this nada

visit

> a little better than this. At least now I *know* I am so not ready

> to have " real " conatct with nada again. I just want to scream I

HATE

> HER!! I WISH SHE WOULD JUST DROP OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH AND

TAKE

> FADA WITH HER!!! But I know when I do that I'm splitting, as if

> *everything* " bad " in my life is because of them, so if I get rid

of

> the " bad " then everything will be " good. " It just seems like such

a

> good idea right now though.

[Guest guest]

> Hi ,

>

> BLECH. That whole scene sounds so typically FOO. Your sister

> crossed some serious boundaries there, she knew where you stood

> with your parents and yet she let your nada use her account to

> reach you?

Hi ,

I don't think my sister knew nada would use her ID to " trick " my b/f,

(although, common sense and past experience should have told her).

My sister wasn't home at the time, but my BIL was. He can be

incredibly jerky sometimes, so I don't really expect any better from

him than that. I had an urge to call my sister and tell her what

nada did, I would have done that in the past. I didn't do it this

time, now that I know that my sister gives nada free reign of her

online ID, I will act accordingly (like ask who it is before I talk

to them). Nada does stuff like this on purpose, she wants to create

as much tension as possible between me and my sister. My sister lets

her, but I'm just not interested in that game any more.

> I'm sorry that you have to deal with that junk, especially on the

> holidays (but it seems that's when the FOO likes to strike).

Thanks , and same to you. I haven't posted much, but I've

been reading and I know the whole thing with your brothers and fada

has got to be really draining.

>

> As for your bf, I'll be careful here because I don't know what your

> relationship is with him, but if he comes from a " normal " family

> background, he's probably completely bewildered by what just

> happened.

Oh, gee.. NO worries there. He's no stranger at all to family

dysfunction.

> When I was dating my husband, I was *fiercely* protective

> of him, to the point where he didn't even meet any family members

> until I felt our relationship was strong enough, and that he

> understood the insanity of my family well enough, to not be totally

> shocked by it. Even then, he thought I was exaggerating - until he

> actually met them, and nada's witch came out and she raged at me

> and disowned me right in front of him, and afterward he looked at

> me and said, " I'm so sorry that I ever doubted you " . Interestingly

> enough, I put up boundaries to protect him, and that's how I began

> to realize the need for my own boundaries.

Yes, I did this a little at first too. But then I got so tired of

him NOT seeing it, I was actually very relieved when *finally* he saw

a nada fit. He called me at work and wanted to move back to Missouri

that same day! LOL (He soon changed his mind after realizing that

if we did that we'd be dealing with HIS crazy FOO again. At least

here the weather is nice! haha)

>

> Protect the people you care about from the mess of the FOO. Protect

> your healthy relationships. And protect yourself. Don't be too hard

> on yourself for trying to anticipate their reactions - after all,

> we're all experts at that and it's HARD to turn it off, especially

> around them. But they don't deserve that kind of attention - God

> knows you've given them enough of that. Turn your attention to the

> people in your life who deserve it.

>

>

We've been living together for over four years now, so he " gets it. "

But that is part of the reason that was able to take a break from

nada and fada. I thought, gosh, it just seems so unfair for me to go

around these wack-o's, get all upset and let it affect OUR home. Now

that he knows how they are and why I have made the choice to stay

away from them right now, it is up to him to protect himself. Just

like I have to protect myself from his FOO, I can't leave that up to

him, or don't want to I guess. He's a big boy. He may not have had

the whole story when he got involved with me, but he's still here on

his own accord. (The chains in the basement where I keep him aren't

THAT strong.. hehe)

You are right, they don't deserve the time and attention I give them

in trying to figure them out. That's what made me so mad that day!

But I did better than I would have done a year ago, or six months

ago, and so did he. It is hard to turn off, but only if I don't

realize I'm doing it. Once I catch on that I'm doing that, I can

usually stop and choose to do something else.

[Guest guest]

> , I think it would be nice if your nada and fada

> disappeared off the face of the earth, too - and mine as

> well, while we're at it :-) I don't think you're splitting,

> and I know you're not going out after them with an axe or

> anything. Feeling like this is OKAY and also PERFECTLY

> NORMAL.

>

> Hugs,

> =====

> Hope

Sigh, I know.. I just really, really liked it when I didn't care

where they were or what they were doing so much better. It's funny

that I get more angry with them over being angry with them than

whatever it was that made me angry with them in the first place.

I don't have an axe.